How to Build a Boyfriend from Scratch

by Sarah Archer

  “I know,” Kelly said quickly, with a high laugh that seemed to say, “Of course I knew that, of course we are on the same wavelength, you ultimately inconsequential yet formidable woman, you.” “But diamond is my mom’s favorite stone. I think this is what she’d like.”

  “Well, let’s see if we can find one that doesn’t look like an engagement ring,” the woman said, eyes skimming the rings over her sculptural nose.

  Kelly hemmed, pursing her lips. Her eye landed on a ring toward the left of the case. It was gorgeous. A sparkling diamond ringed by a flurry of smaller stones, like a corona, floating above a band made of tiny, twisted filaments of white gold. “Could I see that one?” she asked casually.

  “That one? For your mother?”

  “Yeah, I mean, I’m just curious.”

  The shop owner handed Kelly the ring with the air of doing her a great favor. Kelly took an extra moment to drink in its details so it didn’t look like she was racing to check the price tag. When she did, she nearly felt her eyes bug out like in a cartoon. She carefully handed the ring back and quickly began searching for the smallest alternative. “How much is that one?” she asked, pointing at a sad little band of silver supporting a small chip of stone. It looked slightly dingy, as if it had been here unwanted for a long time and nobody had bothered to dust it.

  “That one is two hundred and fifty dollars.”

  “It’s nice,” she said, trying to fake genuine interest in the ring, which was more like a Cracker Jack box prize than anything worth two hundred and fifty dollars. When the lady took it out and presented it to her, she peered at it with what she hoped looked like a practiced eye.

  “Yes. I think this will do nicely,” Kelly said in her best person-who-eats-chateaubriand-and-knows-how-to-pronounce-it voice. But as the saleswoman took the little ring to the cash register, Kelly’s eye was caught by the laser-like sparkles of the gem she had first noticed. It glimmered and winked at her, demure on its bed of blue velvet.

  Her mind went back to the magazine headline—“The Ultimate Bond.” She was sure that if Ethan were really buying her a ring, he wouldn’t go for the Cracker Jack prize. He would get this one. This ring was him—perfect, pure, dazzling—and he wouldn’t look right next to a woman wearing anything less.

  “On second thought …” she said.

  nineteen

  As Kelly drove home, she reasoned that the shop must do returns. With engagement rings, it was probably something they ran into all the time, actually. Things didn’t work out. People made mistakes. Of course, she hadn’t been so gauche as to ask if they did returns when she was there. But they definitely did. To do otherwise in their competitive, service-based market would be dangerously illogical. Coasting up to a stoplight, she lifted her finger to admire how the diamonds glittered in the setting sun.

  All she had to do was show the ring off to her mom; prove that Ethan really did want her, like, really, really wanted her; then get rid of it and get her money back when she called the whole thing off. Because of course Diane had immediately moved family dinner up to midweek to congratulate Kelly and Ethan and hear about (or more likely inform them of) their wedding plans. Kelly had given a firm “I’ll be there,” but the only catch was that she couldn’t bring Ethan. After all, he still hadn’t been notified of his own engagement, and Kelly was in no hurry to break the news. So she informed Diane that Ethan had just left town for a conference and couldn’t make it.

  Having told Ethan that she needed to go put in some extra time at the office, she waited until just before heading out the door to slip her ring on. She knew it wasn’t a real ring for a real engagement, but she still felt a little thrill looking at it, its brilliance almost absurdly out of place next to the backdrop of her oatmeal wrap dress.

  “What’s that?”

  She whirled around to see Ethan watching as she approached the door, twisting the ring on.

  “Oh, it’s a ring. It’s a type of jewelry. I’ll see you later.”

  But Ethan frowned. “I know what a ring is, but it looks like an engagement ring, and you’re wearing it on the ring finger of your left hand. Isn’t that supposed to be a sign that you’re engaged?”

  Kelly laughed too loudly. “Funny. Right, yeah, I guess you’re right.” She hurriedly tried to slip the ring onto her right hand instead, but it didn’t fit. She awkwardly stuffed it back onto her left hand. “It’s just a ring.”

  Ethan lifted her hand, examining the “just a ring.” “It’s lovely,” he said. “Especially on you.” He looked her in the eyes. “You know you don’t need to lie to me,” he said. “You have the right to live your own life. Of course you do.”

  “Oh,” was all Kelly could manage to say. He dropped her hand and turned back into the apartment. This was probably the easiest way this conversation could have gone, and yet Kelly couldn’t just let it lie. “We’re engaged,” she burst out.

  “I’m sorry?”

  “Not really. Just a little bit. It’s just that I told my mom that we’re engaged to get her off my back, just like how I introduced you as my boyfriend.”

  Something in Ethan’s face relaxed. “Oh. You didn’t get that ring from anyone else, then?”

  “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you, I’m not trying to make decisions without you, it’s just, I mean, it’s not a real decision.” As soon as she said it, Kelly wondered if she was in some way being unfair to him by using him in this lie. But it was probably a bit late to be worrying about using him. “We’re not really going to get married, obviously,” she continued hurriedly. “I wouldn’t ask you to do that.”

  “Of course not,” Ethan said just as quickly.

  “I mean, it would be crazy. It wouldn’t be legally possible. Because you’re, um—” Kelly stopped. Despite it being simple fact, it somehow felt like an insult to call him a robot.

  “Because I’m not human,” Ethan finished for her easily. Clearly he had no compunctions about the issue. But as he observed the discomfort on her face, a cloud passed over his own. “Does that bother you?” he asked.

  “No, of course not,” said Kelly. They stood in mutual silence for a moment. An awkward silence, like watching-a-movie-with-your-parents-and-a-nude-scene-comes-on silence.

  “So your coworkers all know about the fake engagement too, right?” Ethan finally broke in. “If you’re wearing the ring at the office? I just want to know what my story should be in front of people. Not that I mind or care one way or the other.”

  “Oh, no, I’m actually not going to the office, I’m going to my mom’s for dinner. I told her you were out of town on business. I figured it would be easier to just handle this on my own.”

  “Right. I’d probably make things more difficult.”

  Kelly hesitated. “I should get over there, I don’t want to be late,” she said finally, and she was out the door.

  Kelly lingered outside the door of her parents’ house a minute, twiddling her skirt, smoothing her hair. She was inexplicably nervous.

  When Kelly made her way into the kitchen, Diane screamed and dropped her ladle. Kelly jumped before realizing that her mom had just spotted her ring.

  “Oh my word. Oh my word,” Diane said, lifting it closer and closer to her face with a hungry look.

  “Don’t eat it!” Kelly cried, yanking her hand back.

  “Oh, don’t be ridiculous. But Kelly—well, I knew you had done well with Ethan, but I guess I didn’t know how well!”

  Kelly beamed. Fake engagement or not, her mother had rarely given her such a glowing smile. In fact, the whole family seemed pleased. “Ethan seems all right,” her dad said, which from him was a love letter. Gary spread his hands on the table, clearing his throat dramatically.

  “All right,” he began. “You’re going to have to answer some questions about this guy you’re marrying after dating for two months. Number one of two hundred and forty: Is he a serial killer?”

  “Don’t you like Ethan?” Kelly asked.

  “Sur
e, he seems great, I just wish I’d known him a little longer.”

  “Gary, he’s a good guy, I promise,” she assured him.

  “Promise?” He gave her an unusually serious look.

  “Cross my heart.”

  “All right then. You have my blessing.” He lifted his water glass like a chalice.

  Clara even Skyped in from her honeymoon in Costa Rica to share in the celebration, joining them via Carl’s laptop, which sat on the table at her usual spot. Already her sunburn was bronzing into a tan. “I’m so happy for you, Kel,” she gushed.

  “Thanks. It all happened really fast, but it just felt right.”

  “Ethan is just perfect,” Clara continued. “Don’t you love him, Jonathan?”

  Jonathan shouted from offscreen. “I mean, he seems like a cool guy, but don’t know if I love him,” he said. “Don’t make it weird.”

  “Jonathan loves him,” Clara assured her. “Ooh, look!” She spun her phone so they could all see the view from her hotel window, where the sun was melting like magma over the ocean. “It’s so gorgeous here. Today we went horseback riding on the beach.”

  But Diane interrupted, her excitement too strong to hold back. Just as the rapture of Clara’s nuptials flagged, here came another wedding to catch her on its tailwind. She might never touch ground again. “Kelly, Kelly, we have to talk about dates! What are you thinking?” she asked busily, digging into her (actually good) roasted apple chicken.

  “Nothing yet. Next summer might be nice, or fall.” Kelly had a sudden thought. It was so rare that her entire family’s attention was turned toward her that she decided to seize the moment. “You know, I wanted to mention,” she began, “this investor presentation that I’m doing at work? It’s going to be broadcast online. I can give you the date and time and log-in if you might like to watch. You know, if you’re not doing anything else. You know.” Kelly winced at the sound of her own voice. If she couldn’t even invite her family to watch the presentation without sounding like a talking baby doll with a jammed motor, how was she going to do the presentation itself?

  But Diane just waved a hand. “Right, right, right, but first things first, the date.” Kelly sat back in her chair. “A long engagement is simply asking for second thoughts. Plus, I’m itching to do a winter wedding since Clara’s was spring. You should see the tablescapes in the last December Bride Magazine. If we get our butts in gear, we could shoot for Christmastime. Yes, certainly we could do that. How do you feel about flower girls throwing icicles?”

  “Terrified. Also we live in California.”

  “But the ice theme will be the perfect complement to that gorgeous ring! Let me get another peek.” She held out a hand, and Kelly offered her own hand for examination. She felt a bit like a show poodle at the judging table, but in a nice way.

  “Just gorgeous,” Diane murmured. “I’m so proud of you, Kelly. Of course there will be pine boughs …”

  Diane was off to the races, rambling something about winter weddingscapes or wedding winterscapes. But her words resounded in Kelly’s head: I’m so proud of you. Not until she actually heard those words from her mom did she realize just how deeply she’d been longing to hear them. But the affirmation had the hollowness of mockery. This was what her mother was proud of her for. Kelly couldn’t remember a single other time Diane had said she was proud of her: not for getting into Stanford, not for being hired by AHI, not for making E&T’s list of engineers to watch last year, an accomplishment that even Anita had congratulated her for, albeit in the same breath as asking her to find a janitor and inform them that the paper towels in the restroom were “the incorrect kind.” Just moments ago Kelly’s heart had lifted like a balloon, and now the balloon had popped. She would never be good enough.

  As she ate, she switched her fork to her left hand. That way at least she could watch the ring. Above the flicker, she caught sight of Clara’s still digital face on the laptop, watching patiently as they all ate and talked. Clara was too easygoing to take offense at her sister getting engaged so quickly on the heels of her own wedding, but Kelly did feel a little bad. She knew what it felt like to be the afterthought at this table. When Diane stopped talking just long enough to gather more oxygen to allow her to talk again, Kelly threw herself in.

  “So how was horseback riding, Clara?”

  “Oh, so cool!” Clara said brightly. “I can’t wait to show you the pictures …”

  The next morning, Kelly had to drag herself into work. Last night’s dinner had lasted long past the unwelcome unveiling of Diane’s improvised cheddar cheesecake. Fueled by wedding mania, eyes stretched and gleaming like a junkie’s, Diane had refused to let Kelly go until she got her fill of details and gave Kelly far more than her fill of tips and inspirations (and cheddar). So tired was Kelly this morning, in fact, that she forgot to take off her ring before heading into work.

  But it turned out she was a step behind anyway. The elevator doors opened onto their floor to reveal Priya standing there, apparently waiting for her, her face betraying some ominous combination of rage and excitement. “Um, hello,” she said emphatically.

  “Hi,” was Kelly’s only reply. She knew, logically, that her avoidance of Priya was unsustainable, but it was just so much easier, moment by moment, to continue it than to break the inertia and either address the tension between the two of them or come clean. She had hoped that Priya just wouldn’t notice what she had been doing. “I can’t talk right now, I have to work.” She tried to head toward her desk, but Priya grabbed her by the forearm.

  “No, ma’am. You are not avoiding me this time. Hell to the no.” Yeah, Priya had noticed.

  “Congratulations!” another coworker shouted enthusiastically.

  “Yeah, congrats,” echoed another engineer.

  For a wild second, Kelly wondered if her Confibot project had already secured some sort of early backing from the investors. Or maybe she had won the lottery? She hadn’t entered the lottery. But maybe she had done it on Ambien and didn’t remember. She had never taken Ambien, but then again, if she had, would she remember taking it?

  “This is a turn of events,” announced Robbie, appearing from nowhere. “This—this is a turn.” He looked as if he wanted to say something else but couldn’t find the means. He opened his mouth, soundlessly formed a word, and stopped, as if talking behind aquarium glass.

  “What are all of you talking about?”

  “Come on, you know you can’t play me,” Priya said. “I can’t believe I found out from your mom and not from you.”

  Kelly paled. “Please tell me she just told you about that third nipple I had removed in elementary school.”

  “No, but we’re putting a pin in that nipple story. Did you really think I wouldn’t know? It’s all over Facebook.” Priya pulled out her phone and showed Kelly Diane’s Facebook page, the top post of which proclaimed, “MY BABY IS GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Along with the post was a candid picture of Kelly taken at dinner last night with a mouthful of food, along with a grainy, paparazzi-style close-up of her ring.

  Kelly groaned. “I should have known this would happen.”

  “That you’d end up with Ethan? Because I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t get that vibe at all from seeing you together. Not that long-term vibe. Not what I got at all.” Robbie’s voice was a good octave higher than it should have been.

  Kelly shook her head. “This is not what it looks like, this was just supposed to be between me and my family. Please tell me you didn’t tell everyone in the office.”

  Priya and Robbie exchanged a guilty look. At that moment Anita appeared, because of course she did. “I hear congratulations are in order,” she told Kelly. She somehow made it sound like a command.

  “Thank you,” Kelly said.

  “Wedding planning can be quite a time suck, I’m told,” Anita went on. “Allocating your energies between that and the intense pressure of perfecting Confibot for the final rollout, with the date of our presentation clo
se at hand—you have my sympathies.”

  Kelly sensed more sympathy radiating from the trash can next to her. Perfect. Now on top of everything, she had called extra attention to her risky relationship, attention from a boss who clearly thought that any sign of a personal life was treason. “But congratulations,” Anita reiterated, and glided swiftly away in her Louboutins. Kelly sighed.

  “Did you really expect people not to find out? You’re not exactly being subtle.” Priya seized Kelly’s hand and brought the mammoth ring right up to her eye to inspect it, then started jiggling Kelly’s whole hand up and down to feel out the weight. “Why so secretive, anyway? Ethan’s hot as hell. From what little of your fiancé you’ve actually let me see.”

  Robbie looked suspiciously from Kelly to Priya. “There’s no need to be secretive with me, Kelly,” he said. “Whatever the reason for your concealment is—a green card situation, perhaps a sordid criminal history on Ethan’s part—I’m here to lend you my full ear.”

  “You can keep your ear, Robbie. And I’d like my hand.” Kelly wrested her hand back, trying pointlessly to hide the flashy ring, and started to maneuver away toward her desk, but Priya grabbed her arm again. She was shockingly strong. So much for the wimpy nerd stereotype.

  “Nice try. You’re telling me the full story, missy.”

  “Fine,” Kelly grumbled. “Can we at least go somewhere where the rest of the country can’t hear?” Priya steered her eagerly away.

  As soon as they got into the empty lab, Priya rounded on Kelly. “You know how much I hate to ever admit that Robbie’s right. But, like, seriously, what is this?”

  “It’s just a normal engagement,” Kelly insisted.

  “Just a normal engagement to a guy you’ve known for less than two months and who you suddenly made a lifelong commitment to even though you think it’s too risky to wear a brown belt with black shoes, or just a normal engagement that you totally saw coming and talked about in advance and still said nothing about to your best friend?”