Friends In Spy Places

by Diane Henders

  Reluctantly easing one limb at a time over the edge of the mattress into the unkind chill of the room, I momentarily debated slithering to the floor and crawling to the shower to avoid the effort of standing, but that seemed a little too pathetic.

  I hauled myself to my feet and shuffled to the bathroom, trailing invective all the way.

  In the parking lot of the Silverside Hotel, I yawned and shivered as I plodded toward the building. What the hell was I going to say to Nora? ‘So tell me, Nora, are you a lying murdering adulterous self-centred bitch?’

  No, the direct approach was definitely out.

  But she wouldn’t believe me if I flung my arms around her and proclaimed my joy at the return of my long-lost mother. And how could I ask about things she wasn’t even supposed to know?

  “Dani-dear!” Nora carolled from the front steps of the hotel, her cultured British accent grating on my ears now that I knew it was fake. “I’m so glad to see you!”

  “Hi.” I yanked my lips into a smile-like grimace as I climbed the stairs to meet her. “I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to come and see you. Work’s been crazy.” Eyeing her parka and boots, I added, “Can we go up to your room and talk…?”

  “Oh, I’m sick of that hotel room!” she exclaimed. “Let’s go to one of those little restaurants you were telling me about.”

  “I’d really rather talk to you…” I lowered my voice as a man emerged from the hotel door, giving Nora a smile and nod as he passed. “…somewhere we won’t be overheard.”

  “Oh, piffle.” Nora smiled and waved off my words with an insouciant hand. “We’ll have lots of time for that later. Let’s go. I’d kill for a decent cup of coffee right now!”

  I pressed my lips together so I wouldn’t blurt out, ‘Did you kill for the job as Weapons Director?’ and motioned her toward my car.

  “Isn’t this a lovely day?” She gazed around at the sparkling whiteness with a smile. “London is so grimy in winter. I’ve missed the sight of sunshine on clean snow!”

  The bereft girl hidden in my psyche cried out at the stab of pain. My mother had missed the snow, but not her only daughter.

  I slammed the door on my inner child. Cry later. Do your job now.

  “I guess it must have been a big change for you,” I said. “Talk about culture shock, moving from a Saskatchewan farm to London, England.”

  “Oh, it was wonderful!” Nora beamed, then sobered. “Except that I missed you terribly, of course.”

  Too little, too late. I hardened my heart and did my job.

  “We missed you terribly, too.” I forced my lips into a bittersweet smile. “Everyone did. It’s too bad you didn’t get to hear all the nice things people said at your funeral.”

  “You’re trying to make me feel guilty, aren’t you?” Nora snapped as she yanked open my car door.

  I didn’t have to fake my surprised blink. “Um… no. Sorry, I thought you’d want to hear how much everybody loved you and missed you.”

  “Oh.” Her smile came back. “Thank you, dear, that was very thoughtful.” She slid into the passenger seat and closed the door, leaving me standing uncertainly beside the car.

  What game was she playing?

  I got into the driver’s seat and buckled up, literally and metaphorically. This was going to be a seriously weird ride.

  “So did you find a place to live right away in London?” I asked as I put the car in gear. “Or did you wait until Sam arrived so you and he could pick out a place together?”

  She gave me a sharp glance, but I had kept my tone innocuous. She replied in the same carefully-neutral tone, “Sam already had a country estate in the Cotswolds. We lived there for a couple of years, but it was almost as boring as living on the farm in Saskatchewan. I was thrilled when I got my first job with MI5 and we had to move to London.”

  Injecting a note of incredulity that I hoped wouldn’t sound too insulting, I exclaimed, “How on earth did you end up working for MI5? I wouldn’t think that being a farm wife and occasional bookkeeper would prepare you for anything like that.”

  Nora sniffed. “Yet here you are, a bookkeeper living on a farm; and you’re a government agent.”

  “That was an accident,” I muttered. “I never wanted this job.”

  “Then you’re a fool,” she snapped. “Women as smart as you and I shouldn’t waste our intellect on…” She waved a derisive hand at the small-town scenery around us. “…backward hicks.”

  “Wow, Mom.” Despite my best efforts, my words came out loaded with bitter sarcasm. “I’m surprised you didn’t murder Dad and me in our beds if you were that fucking desperate to get out of Dodge.”

  Her chin lifted. “Watch your language, young lady. I’m still your mother, and you will treat me with respect.”

  I braked to an abrupt halt in the Melted Spoon’s parking lot. “With all due respect, you can blow that right out your ass,” I snarled. “I’m not young anymore; I’ve never been a lady; and you sure as hell don’t get to show up here expecting to be treated like the fucking Queen of England just because you gave birth to me forty-some years ago and fucked off for thirty of them.”

  “I did not ‘eff off’!” Nora faced me, eyes blazing. “I gave you everything! My love, my full attention, seventeen years of my life when I could have been developing a career instead! And it was a sacrifice I was happy to make because you were everything to me! You were my child, my world, my reason for living!” Her eyes brimmed with sudden tears as she reached out to caress my cheek with trembling fingers. Her voice fell to a choked whisper. “My one and only daughter.”

  My throat squeezed shut and my face tilted into her touch despite my best efforts.

  Dammit, stop acting like a kid desperate for affection.

  I began, “But why did you-”

  “Let’s talk about this later.” Nora pulled away and reached for her door handle. “First I need coffee. You know how I get when I’m not properly caffeinated. You used to be such a love, bringing me my first cup in bed. Come, Dani-dear.”

  As she got out of the car, a memory-flash of the child I had been obscured my vision.

  Carefully balancing the hot mug so none of its precious contents would escape while I tiptoed down the hallway. Eager for her extravagant praise and radiant smile when I delivered it, fearful of her wrath if I spilled a few drops on the sheets…

  I got out of the car, locking it behind me with the electronic fob as I headed for the coffee-shop entrance. Damn this stupid childish hope that she would give me her smile and approval when she tasted the Melted Spoon’s custom-blended house brew.

  When we stepped inside Nora stopped and inhaled deeply, the familiar smile spreading across her face. “Oh, I think I’m going to like this,” she exclaimed. “What’s your favourite coffee, Dani-dear?”

  “I don’t actually drink coffee…” As a frown wrinkled her forehead, I spotted a saviour ahead of us in the lineup. “…but we can get advice from a connoisseur,” I finished hurriedly before Nora could express her disappointment. “Hey, Lola!”

  A tiny figure in a neon-orange parka topped by vibrant purple hair turned at the sound of my voice, a smile splitting her wrinkled face.

  “Aydan!” She vacated her spot in line to hurry back to us. “It’s great to see you, honey!” She hugged me warmly. “I missed you last week.”

  “Yeah, I’m sorry I had to skip out on your bookkeeping,” I replied, hugging her in return. “I missed you, too.”

  “Big John was disappointed that you didn’t show up,” Lola deadpanned with a wicked twinkle in her eye. “He was looking positively… droopy.”

  I sucked in a breath of mock horror. “Oh, no. Well, I’ll be there tomorrow at the usual time to perk him up.”

  Nora had watched our exchange with a frown. “Excuse me,” she said, extending her hand to Lola. “I’m Nora, Aydan’s mother. And you are…?”

  Lola gaped at her, then turned a confused face up to me. “I thought you said your mothe
r had, um… passed away when you were seventeen…?”

  “I thought she had,” I said, hoping Lola wouldn’t notice that my words came out through clenched teeth. “I was wrong.”

  “I had to go into witness protection when Aydan was seventeen,” Nora lied glibly. “Believe me, it was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done, leaving my child behind.”

  Lola’s frown deepened. “I can imagine,” she said slowly. “And… you never contacted her? In all this time?”

  Nora drew herself up. “Her life was at stake. It was the only way.”

  “And you couldn’t take her with you? Or at least tell her what was happening so she knew you weren’t dead?” Lola demanded. “Seventeen is old enough to keep a secret.”

  “I wish that had been possible,” Nora said stiffly. “But it wasn’t.”

  Lola stared at her.

  I broke the chilly silence. “Lola, we need your coffee expertise. What’s the best brew here?”

  She followed my redirection gracefully, turning a polite smile on Nora. “That depends on what you prefer. I love the espresso here, but if you just want good regular coffee you’ll probably like their house blend. It’s robust but not bitter.” She turned back to me. “I’m sure you and your… mother…” Her gaze slid sideways to Nora, her usual cheerful expression darkening. “…have a lot of catching up to do. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Absolutely,” I assured her. “Thanks, Lola.”

  “Any time, honey.” She slipped an arm around my waist to give me a one-armed squeeze, turning a benign smile on Nora as if daring her to make something of it.

  Fortunately Nora said nothing. A catfight between Lola and Nora might be fun to watch, but only if I knew for sure Lola would win. And if Nora was actually a cold-blooded murderer, I sure as hell didn’t want to take the chance.

  “Well, how nice to meet one of your… friends,” Nora said coolly as Lola walked away. “Now I really need some coffee.”

  “Lola’s a bit protective,” I mumbled. “She’s one of my favourite clients, and she always looks out for me.”

  “Charming. It’s a bit of an insult to you, though, considering that she’s twice your age and half your size.”

  My temper flared and I clamped my teeth on my tongue before I could explode. “She’s the same age as you,” I said. “And even if she can’t actually protect me, it’s nice to know she’s there.” As soon as the words left my mouth, I realized how they would sound to Nora, but it was too late. “I didn’t mean…” I began, but Nora’s eyes had filled with tears.

  “I had forgotten how cruel you could be,” she said softly. “I know you’re only thinking of your own pain, but imagine for a moment how much I suffered. You knew I was dead, so you had closure and you went on with your life as best you could. I had to live every day, every month, every year, knowing that you were here but I couldn’t contact you without risking your safety. Can you imagine how that made me feel?”

  My heart twisted despite my efforts to harden it. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that as a dig.”

  “Oh, maybe not consciously, but some part of you definitely meant it the way it came out.” Nora sighed. “I was hoping you’d be more understanding; but it’s all right. I know what a shock this has been for you, and…” She gave me a wobbly smile. “I’m your mother. I will always love you and forgive you, no matter what. Now, let’s get some coffee and talk about more pleasant things.” She turned away and headed for the coffee counter.

  Feeling like a rebuked ten-year-old, I hid behind the neutral mask I’d perfected through years of practice and followed her.

  A few minutes later we sat at my favourite corner table, eyeing each other warily over the rims of our mugs.

  Do your job. Get her talking.

  “I’m sorry I’ve been so prickly,” I said. “I’m just… having a really hard time with all of this. Would you please start from the beginning? Tell me all about what happened with you and Dad and Sam when I was young?”

  She hesitated. “Are you sure you truly want to know?”

  “I really do.” I leaned forward and lowered my voice. “I grew up without a clue. I never knew that my whole childhood was this weird double life, and I’m only beginning to piece together the real story. Stemp might know part of it; but he won’t tell me. Sam and Dad are dead. You’re my only hope.” I had intended to fake earnestness, but the need behind my plea took me by surprise.

  “Please.” My voice trembled. “Please tell me.”

  Nora hesitated again, and my fist clenched on the handle of my mug.

  Tell me, dammit!

  Eyeing my whitening knuckles, she let out a sigh. “You’re right. I owe you that.”

  “Thank you.” I gulped some tea to hide my emotion.

  “Can I speak freely?” she asked.

  I unzipped my waist pouch and consulted my bug detector. “Yes.”

  “Then I’ll begin at the beginning.” Nora took a swallow of her coffee as though to fortify herself for the task ahead.

  “When I was pregnant with you,” she said, “I was terrified.”

  Chapter 19

  “Why were you terrified?” I demanded. “Was someone threatening you?”

  Nora gazed back through time. “No; no one was threatening me; but I had miscarried so many times. I barely breathed for nine months, always wondering ‘what if I do something to cause another miscarriage’.” She grimaced. “Barely breathed; and vomited the rest of the time. If I had known how awful pregnancy was, I might not have been so eager for it.”

  “That sounds horrible,” I said sincerely.

  “It was. And then you were born. The culmination of my dreams.” She sighed and sipped again, gazing into the past. “You were a colicky baby. You used to scream for hours and you never slept more than an hour or two at a time. And you were so stubborn and quick-tempered as a toddler. Your tantrums were just… I wanted to walk out the door and never come back.”

  My heart clenched. “And you did.”

  She sat up quickly, her hand flying over to squeeze mine. “Oh, Dani-dear, no! Never believe that my leaving had anything to do with you! You outgrew your health problems, and I outgrew my mothering problems. By the time you were four, we were inseparable.” She fell back in her chair. “And then Sam appeared. The cause of some of the worst days of my life…” She sighed, and smiled. “…and the best.”

  I clamped down on the urge to tell her exactly what I thought about her days with Sam.

  Let her talk.

  Nora leaned closer and lowered her voice below the hum of conversation around us. “When Sam first told us he thought you would grow up to replace a super-computer, we pooh-poohed the whole idea. It was ridiculous. Computers were the size of entire buildings; and they were only used by places like NASA. But… he persisted. And your father and I didn’t see the harm in going along with his tests. After all…” She smiled at me, her face softening. “All parents want to believe their children are special.”

  “When did you start to believe him?”

  Nora frowned. “When you turned twelve Sam introduced the idea that we should move to Alberta to be closer to his lab. Your father would never consider leaving the farm that had been handed down to him through three generations; and when he told Sam that, Sam began to hint that perhaps the government might take an active role in relocating you. As if they might… take you away.” She sighed. “We panicked.”

  “So Sam hadn’t mentioned the government before that?” I asked. “He made it sound as though it was just him and his research?”

  “Well, yes. And he seemed like such a nice man…” She smiled, her eyes softening. “He was a nice man. Your father and I both liked him, and you adored him and called him Santa Claus. We believed we were helping him with his research, and we included him in our social circle. He was always welcome in our home.”

  Yeah, she’d welcomed him with open arms. And open legs, the cheating bitch.

  I swallowed my ang
er along with another mouthful of tea and managed to keep my tone neutral. “Until he threatened to take me away.”

  “He never threatened, but your father and I became frightened when he mentioned government involvement. That was when your father got the government job to try to protect you, and I took on the responsibility of deterring Sam.” She gave me a twisted smile. “I had nothing but good intentions in the beginning; but Sam was so sweet, and so smart. Worldly and wealthy and attentive. He made me feel intelligent and beautiful and… worthwhile.”

  She fell silent, and I reluctantly considered what it must have been like for her to glimpse the big world beyond the farm. To be valued for her intellect. To find a new sense of purpose at an age when most farm wives were resigned to another couple of decades of hard labour in the fields and barn and garden.

  “And that’s when I realized there was only one solution,” Nora went on. “I had to lure Sam away from you. Convince him to leave Canada forever. It was the only way to save you.”

  Bullshit.

  Furious accusations fought to escape, but I clenched my teeth on them.

  Stay detached.

  Move in for the kill.

  “So when you left with Sam, was that when he told you what he was really doing?” I asked.

  “Yes.” She blinked. Almost a twitch. Hesitated as though realizing she had said too much…

  She knew. A caustic mixture of triumph and disappointment stung my soul.

  “Yes,” she repeated firmly, leaning forward and lowering her voice even more. “That was when he told me that the project to turn you into a super-computer had been diverted into research on brainwave-driven networks, and that he was studying how you could be used to power virtual reality simulations instead.”

  Shit, maybe she didn’t know.

  Keep her talking.

  “So, did Dad know you were still alive?” I blurted. “Was he in on it, too?”

  “Oh, Dani-dear, don’t be silly. Of course your father didn’t know. I had to protect him, too. I would never have hurt him by leaving him for someone else.”