Nocere

by Max Ellendale

  "You're okay. C'mon," she whispered, and toted me back to the sofa.

  "You both treat me like a child," I said when I sat in her lap. Soft sobs left me and Rebecca came to sit beside Sam now.

  "Rosie." Rebecca took my hands, pulling my attention to her. "We both know you're very upset right now. It's okay to be angry and scared. Samirah and I are here to protect you. Right?"

  I watched the words tumble from her mouth, and visions of all the other times she made the same promise bubbled to the surface. In that moment, I felt like a child. A twelve-year-old sitting on the edge of a bed in a group home, with Rebecca crouched in front of me, promising the same thing.

  "I've always kept you safe, haven't I?" She gave my hands a squeeze and I nodded. "Now, I have Samirah to help me, too."

  Sam leaned her head against mine and I settled against her. The arms she had around my waist trembled faintly.

  "There's one difference now, isn't there?" asked Rebecca, drawing my gaze to hers.

  "What?"

  "You can keep yourself safe now, too. Remember? You're not a child, Rosie. You're not helpless. You have a voice." Rebecca's mantra reminded me of what my panic stole away. It settled me, and I could hear my rapid breathing.

  I closed my eyes and snuggled against Sam when I finally calmed down. "I'm okay," I told them, and wiped my eyes on my sleeve.

  "Where's your medicine?" asked Rebecca, glancing over to my purse by the door. "There?"

  "I don't want it. I'm fine." I let out a slow breath. "I'll stay here with Sam today and be fine."

  "Are you sure?" Rebecca glanced between us and we both nodded. "Okay." She stood up and kissed my forehead. "I'll check on you after work, sweetie."

  "All right."

  "Let me know if anyone contacts you." Rebecca appeared hesitant to leave me when she stood up and glanced to Samirah. "Do you have my number?"

  "No, but I'll put it in my phone today. I'm sorry to have met you under tense circumstances," she said, her voice firm and doctorly.

  Rebecca smiled and glanced between us. "Well, perhaps I'll see you Thursday under better circumstances?"

  "We're working on it." Sam smiled and hugged me.

  "Bye, girls." Rebecca blew us a kiss then, with caution and one last look at me, she closed the door.

  Samirah poked my nose and I scrunched it up at her. "She really loves you."

  "I know. I'm sorry I got so upset. Anita says I regress when I'm really upset." I stood from her lap and smoothed down my dress.

  "Well, you regress and I get angry. And extremely bossy. So we'll figure it out, Rosie. Come back here." She held her hands to me, her expression almost pouty.

  "I don't want you to have to mother me or take care of me. I want you to be my girlfriend." I sighed and stepped closer to her. She placed her hands on my hips and stroked my sides.

  "I am your girlfriend, and girlfriends take care of each other. Emotionally and physically," she said, and tugged me back into her lap, though now straddling her thighs. "Rebecca's news was a difficult thing for you."

  "Yeah," I admitted and laced my fingers with hers. "I might be thirty-three, but sometimes I feel thirteen again, especially when I'm freaked out."

  "I might be thirty-seven, but when I'm upset about seeing my mother and such, I feel twenty-seven again. I think it's pretty normal considering…"

  "Anita says that trauma can stunt growth. Sometimes emotionally we get stuck at the age of our traumas until we learn to heal and cope. I believe that, especially when I'm upset," I told her and draped my arms over her shoulders.

  "I can understand that, baby." She nipped my chin and let out a soft breath. "I'm sorry you're hurting and scared."

  "You've made it easier, Sam." I tucked her hair behind her ears and sighed again. "Being with you has been the best month, almost two, of my life."

  "You know, I'm inclined to say the same." She stroked my chin with her index finger. "Want to be brave with me?"

  Her question brought a smile to my face. "How so?"

  "Well, since we're both dressed with nowhere to be, would you care to accompany me to lunch today? I know a quiet little sandwich shop not far from here," she said, tilting her head as she traced my lips.

  I drew in a deep breath then offered her a firm nod. "Yes. I will. I'm so annoyed right now all I want to do is tell everyone to go fuck themselves."

  Samirah laughed and caught me in a sweet kiss. "You do that, my sweet. Tell them all."

  ***

  The day before Thanksgiving, work for me became eight hours of catching up and cleaning up. No one bothered me because no one worked. Other than essential calls, staff loped around as they awaited their time off. Not everyone had Thanksgiving off, obviously, since we were a police department, but most of the civilian staff did.

  While I tidied up the tables and pin board in my office, Ainsley's idly humming voice echoed down the hall. I chuckled before turning around, awaiting her appearance. She hopped into the doorway, smiling ear to ear as if she attempted to surprise me.

  "Oh, boo. You were waiting for me," she said, a dramatic pout curling her mouth.

  I laughed as I shook my head at her. "You were humming. I heard you coming."

  "Well, that would do it." She snickered and bounced over to me, grabbing me in a hug. "Hi, nugget. How are you?"

  "I'm okay." I squeezed her longer than usual and when she leaned back, she rubbed my arms. Her expression, though laden with a smile, carried the weight of knowledge in the way she looked at me. "Rebecca told you."

  "She did. Are you okay?" She held both of my hands in a firm, assuring grip.

  "I can't be anything else but okay, Ainsley. Can I?"

  "You can be." She gestured for me to join her and we sat together at my desk like usual. I crossed my legs when I sat in the rolling chair and she perched on the armchair adjacent to it.

  "I can't. Where's Jordan? I thought you both were going camping for the holiday."

  "We are. She's picking me up in an hour. And don't deflect." She whipped her finger in the air.

  "I want to deflect."

  "You know me well enough that I can't be distracted." She wagged her brows at me and I huffed. "Rebecca is worried about you."

  "She always is. I'm fine," I said, leaning back in my chair. "I'm not a child."

  "We know, Rosie. But you're our sweet little Rosie who we all love and want to protect and kiss and hug." When she said the latter, she rose from her seat to hug me and smooch me all over my face. I couldn't help laughing as I swatted at her. "And cuddle and tickle and love."

  "Ainsley! Stop that." I pretended to sputter while gently shoving at her. "What does Jordan usually shout at you?"

  "Nothing!" She hugged me around the neck while snickering in my ear.

  "Oh, yeah. Boundaries!" I laughed and hugged her arms once she calmed down.

  "Want me to kill your biological mom for you? I know just how to hide the evidence. And I'd stage it well enough that I'd have to conduct the autopsy myself." She lifted her brows at me, and my jaw fell slack with surprise.

  "Ainsley. That's devilish."

  "Well, I cut up bodies for a living. What do you expect?" Ainsley's smile, as perky and delighted as ever, never wavered.

  "Oh my God." I laughed so hard that my stomach ached. "Ainsley!"

  "Everyone always shouts my name." She let out a happy sigh. "My job here is done."

  "Dork." I shoved her shoulder and she snickered.

  "It made you smile."

  "Yeah. You usually do."

  "Good. Now, no more deflecting. How are you really?" Her expression softened and she patted my hand.

  "Okay. Rebecca said she'd get a representative to go to the parole hearing."

  "Not in the mood to show up and tell her to go fuck herself?"

  "Not very."

  "How old would your mom be now?" she asked, tilting her head to the side.

  "Not sure. Probably mid-sixties." I shrugged.

  "Im
agine that. An old lady, gray-haired, sour. Sitting up there facing all the horrors she's responsible for over the past two decades." Ainsley clucked her tongue. "Knowing she could spend the rest of her waking life behind bars. Kind of satisfying if you ask me."

  "Depends. Not if you don't have any remorse or whatever. You and I both know that there are more drugs in jail than anywhere else. She could've spent the last twenty years still shooting heroin, finding other young women in prison to pass off to fuel her addiction. She could've stayed just the same without knowing any pain." Pressure built behind my eyes as I fought the tears that my disclosure encouraged. "The only thing prison has done successfully is keep her away from me."

  "Do you ever imagine her feeling pain or remorse for what she did to you, Rosie?" Ainsley's hand encased mine.

  "No. Because even before she did what she did, she was never warm to me. Never kind. I was a burden to her always. She never wanted me. If it wasn't for my grandmother, I wouldn't have known kindness. If she hadn't died when I was eight and forced me back into my mother's care, I would've had a good life." I swiped at my eyes and Ainsley scooted closer to me.

  "Do you feel like she ruined your life, Rosie?"

  I shook my head, sniffling while I met her gaze. "She ruined a portion of my life. Rebecca gave me a better life when she took me in. You know what she did ruin though?"

  Ainsley shook her head, her expression soft with the utmost care and tenderness. "I don't."

  "My heart." I hiccupped when I said it. "She ruined my heart."

  "Rosie…" Ainsley held her arms to me and I allowed myself to melt into her hug. "You have the kindest, most sensitive heart of anyone I've ever met. So many people love you." She rubbed my back and I held on to her arm while I absorbed her words. "And the way you love is so full and complete. There's nothing wrong with your heart."

  "Yes, there is." I sniffled and dabbed at my nose with a tissue. "I love Samirah so much, but I know she could walk away from me at any minute. I love everyone too much and it could end at any time."

  "There's no such thing as loving someone too much, sweetie." Ainsley pressed her index finger to the end of my nose and I swatted her hand. "No such thing at all."

  "Well, I think there is."

  "Well, you're wrong," Ainsley chirped in an indignant, yet playful way. "You can't over-love someone. It doesn't work like that."

  "Maybe not, but it leaves me vulnerable. I try not to love anyone." I wiped my eyes and sighed. "I mean, I love the people already in my life, but adding new people…"

  "Except Sami." Ainsley smiled. "You love her."

  I nodded, holding my hands in my lap and gazing at the tissue in my palms.

  "Have you told her?" she asked and I shook my head. "You should."

  "What if she doesn't love me? I know she likes me and cares about me, but what if she doesn't love me?"

  "Listen to what I'm about to tell you, Rosie Leigh Bryant." She poked my forehead and I huffed, but met her gaze again. "Sami is just as afraid to love someone as you are. She has let exactly no one into her life, including me. I might know her from our connections, but only when she slowly let Stella in, did things begin to change. She's known Stella for a few years and only in the past six months has she allowed herself to trust her enough to stay with her briefly, move to Seattle, come to parties, and stay for more than a hookup. Sami's changed and I think she has because of you."

  "What if I'm a hookup?"

  "Hookups don't last months, silly," she said, her smile ever-present. "You need to talk to Sam about how you feel."

  "Eventually I will. We're both a little…" I glanced over her shoulder while I searched for the word.

  "You both have injured hearts." Ainsley filled in for me. "What better to heal an injured heart than a heart that already knows what it needs?"

  "Yeah." Her words coaxed a small smile from me and she tossed me a wink.

  "You're one of the bravest people I know, Rosie." Ainsley leaned forward and smooched my cheek. "You're someone to look up to."

  "Thanks, Ainsley."

  "C'mon. Let's go outside and wait for Jordan to get here. She'll be happy to see you."

  "Okay." I cleaned myself up and followed her down to the parking lot.

  The workday ended with me feeling a little drained, but happy to go into a four-day weekend. Rebecca drove me home and the tidy apartment welcomed me like a friendly hug. Alex kept everything neat and the fridge stocked. Part of me wished she was home, too. The idea of being alone, usually a comfort, wasn't as much today. So instead of dwelling on it, I stole away for a quick shower, then got to work on the pies that I normally made for tomorrow's Thanksgiving dinner.

  While I worked on slicing the apples for the homemade apple pie, pumpkin pie baked in the oven. With busy hands, the speed of my mind slowed down enough to process the information tangled in it. Visions of the parole hearing, what it might look like, how my mother would appear, played over and over in my mind. Sometimes I imagined myself standing up and shouting profanities at her. Other times, I envisioned her with a sinister smile, having the entire courtroom under her thrall while she auctioned me off to the highest bidder.

  My phone rang, breaking my anxious reverie, and I swiped the answer button when I saw Samirah's name.

  "Hi, Sam."

  "Hi, my sweet. Where are you?"

  "At home."

  "Baby, how come you didn't answer my text?" Her question, unassuming at best, sprung a twinge of nervousness in my gut. I flipped through my phone to see about a dozen unanswered texts from pretty much everyone. I tapped Sam's and saw her warm greeting and request to have dinner tonight.

  "I-I'm sorry, I didn't see it. Ainsley caught me at the end of the day and I just kind of came home."

  "It's okay, Rosie. I was asking out of worry, not judgment. You don't owe me explanations for your whereabouts," she said, her voice still calm.

  "What time is it?"

  "Almost seven."

  "Oh." My brow furrowed and I turned around to check the pie that still had thirty minutes to go. "I lost track of time. I'm making pies for tomorrow."

  "Are you?" I could almost hear the smile in her voice.

  "Yeah. I'm cutting apples." I stammered for a moment then cleared my throat. "Sorry for the weird play-by-play."

  Samirah's chuckle echoed through the line. "It's okay. I like hearing you telling me what you're doing."

  "You...you can come over if you want."

  "Can we eat one of those pies tonight?"

  I laughed and nodded as if she could see me. "I can make two apple ones."

  "How about I pick up some whipped cream, and the two of us eat that second pie together."

  "Okay." A genuine smile broadened my resolve. "I'd like that."

  "What time will Alex be home?"

  "I'm not sure. We don't have to save her any." I snickered at my own wickedness. "She'll have some tomorrow."

  Samirah laughed heartily and it made me grin. "Good thing. I'll be there in about half an hour, okay?"

  "Okay." Instead of anxious tightness, my stomach flip-flopped with delight and excitement. The fact that Sam wanted to spend time with me, not at her place but here knowing someone else could show up, told me that she wanted to simply be with me rather than just… "Thanks for checking on me."

  "Of course, baby. See you soon."

  "Okay. Be safe."

  "I will."

  We ended the call and I continued to prep more apples for the third pie with my heart a flutter. I wasn't sure what it was about Samirah's commitment to coming over excited me so, but I went with it. Fixating on her arrival pushed the drawn emotions about my mother's potential release to a lower position in my thought process.

  Five minutes after the timer for the pumpkin pie binged to signal its readiness, Samirah arrived while it sat on the countertop to cool. The first apple pie in the oven took its place.

  I opened the front door to see Sam, wearing a sexy pair of skinny jeans and a s
lim-fitting sweater, and holding up a can of whipped cream. "I come bearing gifts," she announced, lifting a grocery bag as well.

  "My hero." I smiled, and felt the muscles lift my whole expression. "Hi."

  "Hi, my sweet." She captured me in a kiss, pulling me to her before I even shut the door. "Mmm. You taste like cinnamon."

  "I may have snuck a few tastes of the apple mixture." I grinned and waved her inside after locking up. "Get comfy."

  "I plan to in your cozy little purple fairy den. I love it." She smiled when she looked around and shrugged out of her coat. I took it from her and hung it on the rack by the door.

  "Do you?"

  "Yes. It's like walking through your mind and heart," she said and set the bags on the counter. "So, knowing you made apple pie, I may or may not have picked up some ice cream, too."

  I laughed and hugged her from behind while she unpacked the bags. I had to stand on my toes in order to gaze over her shoulder. "Yum. How much ice cream did you get, honey?"

  "Three different kinds." She grinned and turned her head toward me. "Vanilla because that goes with apple pie. Chocolate in case you didn't like vanilla, and then rocky road because I like the marshmallow part." We put the cartons in the freezer together and she chuckled at the pint of chocolate on the door.

  "How very well-rounded of you." I kissed her cheek and she turned to face me, her hands on my waist.

  "It smells delicious in here, but I can't tell if it's you or your baking." She smiled at me and her eyes twinkled in the overhead light.

  "Fake out. It's you."

  "Is not." She chuckled and leaned down to place a sweet kiss between my eyebrows. "How are you feeling today?"

  "Is too. Less freaked out. I have to see Anita on Saturday morning so I'll talk to her more about it. Ainsley spoke with me today. She's very kind to me."

  "You're worth being kind to, Rosie." She brushed her thumb over my cheek. "Where's Anita's office?"

  "Olympia."

  Her brow furrowed and she tilted her head. "How do you get there?"

  "Sometimes Rebecca drives me, but I don't like that. Usually a bus. Sometimes Uber." I shrugged and toyed with her hair.

  "The bus must take forever."

  "Sometimes."