The Surprising Adventures of Baron Munchausen

by Rudolf Erich Raspe

  CHAPTER XXXIII

  _The Baron goes to Petersburgh, and converses with the Empress--Persuades the Russians and Turks to cease cutting one another's throats,and in concert cut a canal across the Isthmus of Suez--TheBaron discovers the Alexandrine Library, and meets with HermesTrismegistus--Besieges Seringapatam, and challenges Tippoo Sahib tosingle combat--They fight--The Baron receives some wounds to his face,but at last vanquishes the tyrant--The Baron returns to Europe, andraises the hull of the "Royal George."_

  Seized with a fury of canal-cutting, I took it in my head to form animmediate communication between the Mediterranean and the Red Sea, andtherefore set out for Petersburgh.

  The sanguinary ambition of the Empress would not listen to my proposals,until I took a private opportunity, taking a cup of coffee with herMajesty, to tell her that I would absolutely sacrifice myself for thegeneral good of mankind, and if she would accede to my proposals,would, on the completion of the canal, _ipso facto_, give her my hand inmarriage!

  "My dear, dear Baron," said she, "I accede to everything you please, andagree to make peace with the Porte on the conditions you mention. And,"added she, rising with all the majesty of the Czarina, Empress ofhalf the world, "be it known to all subjects, that We ordain theseconditions, for such is our royal will and pleasure."

  I now proceeded to the Isthmus of Suez, at the head of a million ofRussian pioneers, and there united my forces with a million of Turks,armed with shovels and pickaxes. They did not come to cut each other'sthroats, but for their mutual interest, to facilitate commerce andcivilisation, and pour all the wealth of India by a new channel intoEurope. "My brave fellows," said I, "consider the immense labour of theChinese to build their celebrated wall; think of what superior benefitto mankind is our present undertaking; persevere, and fortune willsecond your endeavours. Remember it is Munchausen who leads you on, andbe convinced of success."

  Saying these words, I drove my chariot with all my might in my formertrack, that vestige mentioned by the Baron de Tott, and when I wasadvanced considerably, I felt my chariot sinking under me. I attemptedto drive on, but the ground, or rather immense vault, giving way, mychariot and all went down precipitately. Stunned by the fall, it wassome moments before I could recollect myself, when at length, to myamazement, I perceived myself fallen into the Alexandrine Library,overwhelmed in an ocean of books; thousands of volumes came tumblingon my head amidst the ruins of that part of the vault through which mychariot had descended, and for a time buried my bulls and all beneath aheap of learning. However, I contrived to extricate myself, and advancedwith awful admiration through the vast avenues of the library. Iperceived on every side innumerable volumes and repositories of ancientlearning, and all the science of the Antediluvian world. Here I met withHermes Trismegistus, and a parcel of old philosophers debating upon thepolitics and learning of their days. I gave them inexpressible delightin telling them, in a few words, all the discoveries of Newton, and thehistory of the world since their time. These gentry, on the contrary,told me a thousand stories of antiquity that some of our antiquarianswould give their very eyes to hear.

  In short, I ordered the library to be preserved, and I intend making apresent of it, as soon as it arrives in England, to the Royal Society,together with Hermes Trismegistus, and half a dozen old philosophers.I have got a beautiful cage made, in which I keep these extraordinarycreatures, and feed them with bread and honey, as they seem to believein a kind of doctrine of transmigration, and will not touch flesh.Hermes Trismegistus especially is a most antique looking being, with abeard half a yard long, covered with a robe of golden embroidery, andprates like a parrot. He will cut a very brilliant figure in the Museum.

  Having made a track with my chariot from sea to sea, I ordered my Turksand Russians to begin, and in a few hours we had the pleasure of seeinga fleet of British East Indiamen in full sail through the canal. Theofficers of this fleet were very polite, and paid me every applause andcongratulation my exploits could merit. They told me of their affairs inIndia, and the ferocity of that dreadful warrior, Tippoo Sahib, on whichI resolved to go to India and encounter the tyrant. I travelled down theRed Sea to Madras, and at the head of a few Sepoys and Europeans pursuedthe flying army of Tippoo to the gates of Seringapatam. I challenged himto mortal combat, and, mounted on my steed, rode up to the walls of thefortress amidst a storm of shells and cannon-balls. As fast as the bombsand cannon-balls came upon me, I caught them in my hands like somany pebbles, and throwing them against the fortress, demolished thestrongest ramparts of the place. I took my mark so direct, that wheneverI aimed a cannon-ball or a shell at any person on the ramparts I wassure to hit him: and one time perceiving a tremendous piece of artillerypointed against me, and knowing the ball must be so great it wouldcertainly stun me, I took a small cannon-ball, and just as I perceivedthe engineer going to order them to fire, and opening his mouth to givethe word of command, I took aim and drove my ball precisely down histhroat.

  Tippoo, fearing that all would be lost, that a general and successfulstorm would ensue if I continued to batter the place, came forth uponhis elephant to fight me; I saluted him, and insisted he should firefirst.

  Tippoo, though a barbarian, was not deficient in politeness, anddeclined the compliment; upon which I took off my hat, and bowing, toldhim it was an advantage Munchausen should never be said to accept fromso gallant a warrior: on which Tippoo instantly discharged his carbine,the ball from which, hitting my horse's ear, made him plunge with rageand indignation. In return I discharged my pistol at Tippoo, and shotoff his turban. He had a small field-piece mounted with him on hiselephant, which he then discharged at me, and the grape-shot coming in ashower, rattled in the laurels that covered and shaded me all over, andremained pendant like berries on the branches. I then, advancing, tookthe proboscis of his elephant, and turning it against the rider, struckhim repeatedly with the extremity of it on either side of the head,until I at length dismounted him. Nothing could equal the rage of thebarbarian finding himself thrown from his elephant. He rose in a fit ofdespair, and rushed against my steed and myself: but I scorned to fighthim at so great a disadvantage on his side, and directly dismounted tofight him hand to hand. Never did I fight with any man who bore himselfmore nobly than this adversary; he parried my blows, and dealt home hisown in return with astonishing precision. The first blow of his sabreI received upon the bridge of my nose, and but for the bony firmness ofthat part of my face, it would have descended to my mouth. I still bearthe mark upon my nose.

  He next made a furious blow at my head, but I, parrying, deadened theforce of his sabre, so that I received but one scar on my forehead, andat the same instant, by a blow of my sword, cut off his arm, and hishand and sabre fell to the earth; he tottered for some paces, anddropped at the foot of his elephant. That sagacious animal, seeing thedanger of his master, endeavoured to protect him by flourishing hisproboscis round the head of the Sultan.

  Fearless I advanced against the elephant, desirous to take alive thehaughty Tippoo Sahib; but he drew a pistol from his belt, and dischargedit full in my face as I rushed upon him, which did me no further harmthan wound my cheek-bone, which disfigures me somewhat under my lefteye. I could not withstand the rage and impulse of that moment, and withone blow of my sword separated his head from his body.

  I returned overland from India to Europe with admirable velocity, sothat the account of Tippoo's defeat by me has not as yet arrived by theordinary passage, nor can you expect to hear of it for a considerabletime. I simply relate the encounter as it happened between the Sultanand me; and if there be any one who doubts the truth of what I say, heis an infidel, and I will fight him at any time and place, and with anyweapon he pleases.

  Hearing so many persons talk about raising the "Royal George," I beganto take pity on that fine old ruin of British plank, and determined tohave her up. I was sensible of the failure of the various means hithertoemployed for the purpose, and therefore inclined to try a methoddifferent from any before attempted. I got an
immense balloon, made ofthe toughest sail-cloth, and having descended in my diving-bell, andproperly secured the hull with enormous cables, I ascended to thesurface, and fastened my cables to the balloon. Prodigious multitudeswere assembled to behold the elevation of the "Royal George," and assoon as I began to fill my balloon with inflammable air the vesselevidently began to move: but when my balloon was completely filled, shecarried up the "Royal George" with the greatest rapidity. The vesselappearing on the surface occasioned a universal shout of triumph fromthe millions assembled on the occasion. Still the balloon continuedascending, trailing the hull after like a lantern at the tail of a kite,and in a few minutes appeared floating among the clouds.

  It was then the opinion of many philosophers that it would be moredifficult to get her down then it had been to draw her up. But Iconvinced them to the contrary by taking my aim so exactly with atwelve-pounder, that I brought her down in an instant.

  I considered, that if I should break the balloon with a cannon-ballwhile she remained with the vessel over the land, the fall wouldinevitable occasion the destruction of the hull, and which, in its fall,might crush some of the multitude; therefore I thought it safer totake my aim when the balloon was over the sea, and pointing mytwelve-pounder, drove the ball right through the balloon, on which theinflammable air rushed out with great force, and the "Royal George"descended like a falling star into the very spot from whence she hadbeen taken. There she still remains, and I have convinced all Europe ofthe possibility of taking her up.

  CHAPTER XXXIV

  _The Baron makes a speech to the National Assembly, and drives out allthe members--Routs the fishwomen and the National Guards--Pursues thewhole rout into a Church, where he defeats the National Assembly, &c.,with Rousseau, Voltaire, and Beelzebub at their head, and liberatesMarie Antoinette and the Royal Family._

  Passing through Switzerland on my return from India, I was informedthat several of the German nobility had been deprived of the honoursand immunities of their French estates. I heard of the sufferings ofthe amiable Marie Antoinette, and swore to avenge every look that hadthreatened her with insult. I went to the cavern of these Anthropophagi,assembled to debate, and gracefully putting the hilt of my sword to mylips--"I swear," cried I, "by the sacred cross of my sword, that if youdo not instantly reinstate your king and his nobility, and your injuredqueen, I will cut the one half of you to pieces."

  On which the President, taking up a leaden inkstand, flung it at myhead. I stooped to avoid the blow, and rushing to the tribunal seizedthe Speaker, who was fulminating against the Aristocrats, and taking thecreature by one leg, flung him at the President. I laid about me mostnobly, drove them all out of the house, and locking the doors put thekey in my pocket.

  I then went to the poor king, and making my obeisance to him--"Sire,"said I, "your enemies have all fled. I alone am the National Assembly atpresent, and I shall register your edicts to recall the princes andthe nobility; and in future, if your majesty pleases, I will beyour Parliament and Council." He thanked me, and the amiable MarieAntoinette, smiling, gave me her hand to kiss.

  At that moment I perceived a party of the National Assembly, who hadrallied with the National Guards, and a vast procession of fishwomen,advancing against me. I deposited their Majesties in a place ofsafety, and with my drawn sword advanced against my foes. Three hundredfishwomen, with bushes dressed with ribbons in their hands, camehallooing and roaring against me like so many furies. I scorned todefile my sword with their blood, but seized the first that came up, andmaking her kneel down I knighted her with my sword, which so terrifiedthe rest that they all set up a frightful yell and ran away as fast asthey could for fear of being aristocrated by knighthood.

  As to the National Guards and the rest of the Assembly, I soon put themto flight; and having made prisoners of some of them, compelled them totake down their national, and put the old royal cockade in its place.

  I then pursued the enemy to the top of a hill, where a most nobleedifice dazzled my sight; noble and sacred it was but now convertedto the vilest purposes, their monument _de grands hommes_, a Christianchurch that these Saracens had perverted into abomination. I burst openthe doors, and entered sword in hand. Here I observed all the NationalAssembly marching round a great altar erected to Voltaire; there washis statue in triumph, and the fishwomen with garlands decking it, andsinging "Ca ira!" I could bear the sight no longer; but rushed uponthese pagans, and sacrificed them by dozens on the spot. The membersof the Assembly, and the fishwomen, continued to invoke their greatVoltaire, and all their masters in this monument _de grands hommes_,imploring them to come down and succour them against the Aristocrats andthe sword of Munchausen. Their cries were horrible, like the shrieksof witches and enchanters versed in magic and the black art, whilethe thunder growled, and storms shook the battlements, and Rousseau,Voltaire, and Beelzebub appeared, three horrible spectres; one allmeagre, mere skin and bone, and cadaverous, seemed death, that hideousskeleton; it was Voltaire, and in his hand were a lyre and a dagger. Onthe other side was Rousseau, with a chalice of sweet poison in his hand,and between them was their father Beelzebub!

  I shuddered at the sight, and with all the enthusiasm of rage, horror,and piety, rushed in among them. I seized that cursed skeleton Voltaire,and soon compelled him to renounce all the errors he had advanced;and while he spoke the words, as if by magic charm, the whole assemblyshrieked, and the pandemonium began to tumble in hideous ruin on theirheads.

  I returned in triumph to the palace, where the Queen rushed into myarms, weeping tenderly. "Ah, thou flower of nobility," cried she, "wereall the nobles of France like thee, we should never have been brought tothis!"

  I bade the lovely creature dry her eyes, and with the King and Dauphinascend my carriage, and drive post to Mont-Medi, as not an instant wasto be lost. They took my advice and drove away. I conveyed them withina few miles of Mont-Medi, when the King, thanking me for my assistance,hoped I would not trouble myself any farther, as he was then, hepresumed, out of danger; and the Queen also, with tears in her eyes,thanked me on her knees, and presented the Dauphin for my blessing. Inshort, I left the King eating a mutton chop. I advised him not to delay,or he would certainly be taken, and setting spurs to my horse, wishedthem a good evening, and returned to England. If the King remained toolong at table, and was taken, it was not my fault.