Dork Diaries 5: Tales From a Not-So-Smart Miss Know-It-All

by Rachel Renée Russell

  “But what about YOUR customers? How are you going to have time to run your own business AND work for Mr. Hollister?”

  “Actually, he said I could set my own hours. And I get to use his new van and all of his fancy equipment. But the best part is the extra income. Working for Mr. Hollister is a fantastic opportunity, and I plan to take full advantage of it.”

  That’s when I had the most horrible thought!

  What if my dad quits his job to work full-time for Mr. Hollister?!! Then I’d lose my scholarship at WCD and have to transfer to a new school!!

  Maybe that was MacKenzie’s master plan?!! I felt my heart drop into my boots.

  I could NOT believe my dad was ruining my life like this! But I knew this was NOT really about him.

  It was about that big blowout I’d had with MacKenzie on New Year’s Eve.

  And now Dad’s fairy godfather, Moneybags Marshall Hollister, had appeared out of thin air and offered to turn him into a bug-zapping Cinderella.

  It was MACKENZIE who was ruining my life!! As USUAL!

  “Don’t worry, dear. I’m completely in control. Just call me—”

  I finished his sentence. “Mr. Biz! The shrewd and savage business shark, right?”

  “Right!” Dad said, giving me a big hug. Then he went back to spraying water on his pretend snow bugs or something.

  And I went straight to my bedroom and cried for an entire hour.

  Now I’m sitting on the edge of my bed sulking. Which for some reason always makes me feel a lot better.

  I’m just totally bummed about the possibility that I might have to leave my friends at WCD.

  WHY is my life just one deep . . . dreary . . . cesspool of . . . heartbreak and . . . disappointment?!

  ME, GAZING INTO THE CESSPOOL THAT IS MY LIFE!

  Judging by how much my dad is loving his new job, I’ll probably be transferring for SURE!

  I guess my only option is to try and hold on to my bug extermination scholarship for as long as possible.

  Which is going to be next to impossible with MacKenzie out to destroy my life.

  !!

  THURSDAY, JANUARY 9

  AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

  That was me screaming in frustration!

  I’m supposed to be in my first-period class right now. But instead, I’m hiding out in the bathroom, writing in my diary, and trying NOT to have a nervous breakdown.

  I just had a big fight with MacKenzie, and now this whole Great Toilet Paper Caper thing has turned into a major FIASCO!!

  It all started when I stopped by the office to get a copy of our WCD student handbook. I was SUPERworried and was dying to find out what the school policy was on pranks.

  And guess who was the student office assistant?

  JESSICA !! Who, BTW, is MacKenzie Hollister’s BFF. Jessica is supposed to work in there only ONE hour a day during her study hall.

  But I’m starting to suspect she SECRETLY lives in the school office or something . . . .

  I just knew Jessica was going to blab all of my personal business to MacKenzie.

  But she didn’t have to, because the very last person I wanted to see was sitting right there with Jessica, gossiping and doing her nails . . . .

  MACKENZIE !!

  Maybe I’m just paranoid, but it seems like those two girls are forever popping up in my life at exactly the WRONG time!

  Like some kind of living, breathing, talking, gloss-addicted, um . . . PIMPLES!

  I wanted to turn right around and run out of that place screaming. But instead, I cleared my throat, smiled, and said really friendlylike, “Um, sorry to interrupt you guys. But I’d like a copy of the student handbook, please.”

  Jessica looked up from polishing her nails and just glared at me like I was something that had just crawled out of the sewer. I could tell she was SUPERannoyed when she said . . .

  I could not believe Jessica actually said that right to my face. She’s, like, the WORST office assistant EVER!

  That’s when MacKenzie glared at me all evil-like. Then she grabbed a handbook from the back counter and very rudely tossed it right at me . . . .

  “Actually, Jessica, Nikki really needs a handbook right now so she can read the part about how student pranks and destroying personal property are an automatic suspension from school. It’s on page one twenty-eight. Read it and weep, Nikki!”

  My hands were shaking so badly, I could barely hold the book. I turned to page 128 and quickly read the page.

  “Wait a minute!” I said. “It says right here, ‘Student pranking and practical jokes are discouraged and punishable by after-school detention. Purposely destroying property may result in a suspension from school.’ No one destroyed any property, MacKenzie.”

  “Well, I think you DESERVE to be kicked out of school! Putting toilet paper in trees is not so bad. But EGGING a house can damage property. And I thought I saw eggs all over the place that night. Didn’t you see them? Those eggs probably damaged my property.”

  “OMG, MacKenzie! You know good and well there WEREN’T any EGGS in your yard. And WE didn’t throw any . . . !”

  “Well, SOMEBODY did! And if it wasn’t you guys, maybe it was . . . I don’t know . . . my secret admirer . . . ?!” she said as an evil grin spread across her face.

  “I can’t believe you’re actually accusing Brandon of toilet-papering your house AND throwing EGGS?!! How can you just LIE like that?! Especially knowing he could be suspended from school!” I screamed at that girl.

  MacKenzie stared at me with her beady little eyes for what seemed like FOREVER.

  “Actually, Nikki, I’m sure I could totally forget about the whole egg thing if someone was able to get me and Jessica invitations to Brandon’s party . . . . ”

  Then she batted her eyes at me all innocentlike.

  I was so shocked I almost fell over.

  I could NOT believe my ears!

  I had to restrain myself from reaching over and SLAPPING that girl SILLY.

  I would never, ever egg anyone or anything because it’s wrong.

  But right then I was so MAD at MacKenzie for being such a deceitful, manipulative, pathological LIAR that I couldn’t help but imagine what I’d love to do with a dozen eggs . . . .

  “Okay, MacKenzie. And what if someone DOESN’T come up with invites . . . ?” I asked.

  “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just write about the entire event in my little gossip column—er, I mean Fashion and Current Events column for the school newspaper. Once Principal Winston finds out, SOMEONE is going to be suspended! That’s for sure. So it’s YOUR choice.”

  Hey, you do the crime, you do the time. Toilet-papering MacKenzie’s yard was wrong, and I don’t mind doing after-school detention for it. I totally deserve that.

  But no one threw eggs or destroyed her property.

  And MacKenzie making up malicious LIES to get us suspended unless we cough up party invites is just WRONG on so many levels!

  Losing my WCD scholarship because my dad decides to work full-time for MacKenzie’s dad is really BAD! But the possibility of Brandon getting kicked out of school because of MY stupid prank would be horrendously UNFAIR!

  There’s just no way I can let this happen.

  There has to be SOMETHING I can do to stop MacKenzie?!!

  AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

  That was me screaming in frustration.

  AGAIN! !!

  FRIDAY, JANUARY 10

  I barely got any sleep last night.

  I just lay there, wide awake, trying to figure out how to stop MacKenzie.

  I realize I could simply ask BEG Brandon to invite MacKenzie and Jessica to his party.

  But then it would be MY fault if those snobby little drama queens RUINED his birthday.

  I wouldn’t blame Brandon for wondering whether I was a true friend of his or just a mindless little puppet for MacKenzie.

  So my ONLY option is to try and get a position on the school newspaper.

  That way, I could
at least try to stop her from printing stuff in her gossip column about Brandon, Chloe, Zoey, and me that could get us kicked out of school.

  If I kept a really close eye on MacKenzie, I could shut her down BEFORE she made any trouble, by reporting her to the newspaper adviser.

  The BAD news is that I know nothing whatsoever about writing for a school newspaper. Except for maybe THREE things:

  1. It has writing, and I’m seriously addicted to writing in my diary.

  2. It has comic strips and cartoons, and I’m seriously addicted to drawing.

  3. It has my crush, Brandon, and I’m seriously addicted to him.

  However, the GOOD news is that there’s a meeting next week for students interested in joining the newspaper staff.

  I’m just praying all of this works!

  During gym I casually mentioned my plan to Chloe and Zoey, and they thought it was a wonderful idea.

  Of course, I purposely left out the part about me needing to join the newspaper because MacKenzie was ruthlessly plotting to get all of us kicked out of school by spreading lies and untruths!

  And when I explained to them that I was really worried because the only serious writing I’d ever done was in my diary, Chloe and Zoey assured me that I’d do just fine.

  They said only an insanely untalented person could obsessively write in a diary like I did and STILL be a superCRUDDY writer.

  It was SO SWEET of them to compliment me like that.

  I think.

  I got really emotional and my eyes started to tear up a little during our deep knee bends . . . .

  ME, GETTING SUPEREMOTIONAL DURING OUR DEEP KNEE BENDS

  And get this!!

  Chloe and Zoey said they would help with my newspaper projects.

  I can ALWAYS count on them to be there for me. I’m SO lucky to have BFFs like Chloe and Zoey!

  They also mentioned how joining the school newspaper would be the perfect opportunity for Brandon and me to spend more quality time together.

  OMG! I hadn’t really thought about THAT !!!

  I bet MacKenzie is going to be SO jealous!

  And it was Chloe and Zoey’s brilliant idea for me to ask Brandon to help me find a position, since he’s SUPERfamiliar with the newspaper and the way it works.

  He’s going to be shocked and surprised when I pop up at the newspaper office during lunch on Monday.

  We haven’t really talked much this week because he’s been unusually quiet.

  I’m sure he’s heard all of the ridiculous gossip about him toilet-papering MacKenzie’s house and leaving her lavish gifts because he’s crushing on her.

  But the CRUELEST thing about all of this is that MacKenzie is actually setting Brandon up to take the blame for something I did unless I compromise our friendship and arrange for her to get invited to his party.

  I really want to set the record straight and tell everyone what REALLY happened that night.

  But the last thing I need right now is to get into World War III with MacKenzie. Especially when the casualties could end up being people I really care about.

  Like Chloe and Zoey.

  And Brandon, too.

  And OMG! I almost forgot. Even my DAD!

  Anyway, I can’t imagine Brandon and me working together on the newspaper.

  EVERY. SINGLE. DAY!

  SQUEEEE!! Who would have thunk such an awful situation could turn out so . . . GOOD?!

  !!

  SATURDAY, JANUARY 11

  For once, I’m actually looking forward to going to school on Monday.

  I can’t wait to tell Brandon my plans.

  And once I join the newspaper staff, I’ll be able to watch MacKenzie like a hawk so she can’t stir up trouble.

  The only thing that STILL worries me is my writing skills. Because I AM joining a NEWSPAPER.

  I mean, this could be as disastrous as signing up for an ice-skating charity event when you don’t even know how to ice-skate. DUH!

  I remember the time I had to write my secret family recipe for Crispy Squares in our class recipe book back in second grade. The recipe book was a Mother’s Day present.

  My grandma said that recipe had been in my family for sixteen generations. Apparently my ancestor, who was a Pilgrim, served it as the official dessert at the very first Thanksgiving feast back in 1621.

  So I was more than a little SURPRISED when, a couple of months ago, I was reading the back of the cereal box and found the EXACT SAME RECIPE!!

  ME, READING OUR SECRET FAMILY RECIPE ON THE CEREAL BOX

  Can you believe that?!

  OMG!

  Especially after all of that stuff my grandma had said about it being in our family since 1621.

  I was SHOCKED and APPALLED that people could actually be so blatantly DISHONEST!

  Whatever happened to honesty and integrity?!

  I mean, that huge cereal company should be ASHAMED of themselves for STEALING our secret family recipe for Crispy Squares and plastering it all over their cereal boxes like that.

  I personally think we should consider taking legal action or something.

  However, since my writing skills weren’t that good, the secret family recipe I wrote back in second grade was actually a little A LOT different from the one on the cereal box . . . .

  THE FAMILY RECIPE I WROTE BACK IN SECOND GRADE

  It was actually kind of embarrassing because I accidentally left out one of the main ingredients from the recipe.

  Hey, I was ONLY seven years old!

  Although, if it’s supposed to be a SECRET recipe, WHY would you BLAB all of the ingredients?

  Anyway, my yummy butter-fried Crispy Squares had a lot LESS calories than the ones slathered with those sugary-sweet melted marshmallows.

  Hmmm, now that I think about it . . .

  Maybe my first article for the WCD school newspaper could be my delicious secret family recipe for Crispy Squares.

  NOT!!

  !!

  SUNDAY, JANUARY 12

  I can’t believe it snowed another three inches today!

  I’m just so sick of this snow, and it’s only January. I don’t know if I can survive two more long, dreary, cold months of winter.

  For spring break, MacKenzie and most of the CCPs will be vacationing somewhere that’s warm, sunny, and exciting.

  But not me! I’ll probably be stuck at home helping my mom with SPRING CLEANING !!

  I’d give anything to be relaxing on a sunny, warm beach in Hawaii right now. How cool would THAT be?!

  So when Mom insisted that I take Brianna outside to let her play in the snow, I grabbed some sunglasses and beach toys and decided to make lemonade out of lemons! Right in our backyard . . .

  Suddenly the weather felt so tropical, I almost got a sunburn just standing there admiring our work.

  All Brianna and I needed were our swimsuits and a beach towel, and we could have joined in on the fun in the sun, surf, and snow.

  Am I not BRILLIANT?!

  !!

  MONDAY, JANUARY 13

  Today is the big day! I plan to drop in on Brandon and ask him for help with joining the newspaper staff.

  I wore a really cute outfit that my grandma bought me during her last visit. Chloe and Zoey said I looked really smart and professional.

  I think they were right, because while I was at my locker putting on lip gloss, MacKenzie stopped by to get lunch money and eyeballed me all evil-like.

  I knew she was dying to ask me why I was so dressed up. But I just ignored her.

  I definitely wouldn’t be surprised if she actually tried to spy on me.

  Hey, the little weasel has done it before!

  I decided to channel my inner “smart reporter” so I would feel more confident.

  A pencil behind the ear for emergency notes and flair? Check.

  Shimmery Savvy Girl lip gloss? Check.

  Spearmint-fresh breath for interviews? Check.

  Notepad for capturing my brilliant thoughts (and awesome do
odles)? Check.

  Intellectual-looking and slightly uncomfortable pumps? Check.

  I was trying my hardest to be a sassy, journalistic girl genius and NOT the slightly illiterate writer I felt like inside.

  Finally, I took a deep breath and headed down the hall and into the newspaper office.

  I scanned the room for Brandon, and as usual, I recognized his shaggy hair behind one of the computer monitors.

  OMG! I suddenly felt very queasy and light-headed. But in a really GOOD way !!

  Mostly I was worried that throwing up the strawberry-banana smoothie I had chugged at my locker for lunch would undermine my “smart reporter” image.

  “Nikki!” Brandon smiled, waved, and gestured for me to come over. “What’s up?”

  “Actually, I just decided to sign up for the newspaper. And since the new members meeting is after school today, I thought maybe you could help me find a position and give me some tips. Since you’re a SUPERtalented photojournalist and stuff,” I said, blushing profusely.

  Brandon blinked in surprise. “No way! You’re kidding! Right?”

  “Hey! I’ve got a pad of paper and a pen, and I’m NOT afraid to use ’em!” I teased.

  BRANDON AND I DISCUSS ME JOINING THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER!

  “Very cool! I’d be happy to help you out, Nikki. I can’t wait to read your first article.”

  “Um . . . thanks!” I plastered a big smile across my face, but inside I was a nervous wreck.

  Sure, I’m a scribbling whiz kid when it comes to my diary. But writing boring, serious, newsworthy-type stuff, NOT so much.

  I needed to pull off a major miracle or the only thing Brandon was going to get out of any article I wrote was a really good . . . NAP.

  Brandon quickly pulled up on his computer a list of the open positions and started reading them aloud.