Dork Diaries 5: Tales From a Not-So-Smart Miss Know-It-All

by Rachel Renée Russell

  But the most exciting news today came from Mr. Zimmerman himself.

  Just as we were finishing up, Lauren rushed in to tell me that Mr. Zimmerman wanted to see me ASAP. Although I was finally starting to get used to him, he still made me SUPERnervous.

  I didn’t have the slightest idea why he wanted to talk to me. Unless MacKenzie was stirring up some kind of trouble.

  Maybe she had finally submitted that article about the Great Toilet Paper Caper with all of those lies about her house being egged.

  OMG! What if Mr. Zimmerman gives the article to our principal? And the principal calls our parents?!

  Chloe, Zoey, Brandon, and I could get kicked out of school !!

  My heart started pounding, and I broke into a cold sweat. I knocked on Zimmerman’s door, and he asked me to come in.

  “Thanks for stopping by, Nikki. Please have a seat. I must admit, I was really shocked and surprised when I heard about what you’d done. And Lauren tells me you had two of your friends helping you.”

  “I’m really sorry, Mr. Zimmerman. It’s not as bad as it seems. I can explain!”

  “Young lady, there’s no logical or reasonable explanation for what you’ve done! Not only is your advice column the most popular thing in our newspaper, but it’s increased our readership by 42%! I KNEW you had it in you! Congratulations, Sparky!”

  I just stared at Zimmerman with my mouth dangling open. “Um, that IS great news, actually. Thanks!”

  Then the weirdest thing happened. Zimmerman’s eyes started to tear up a bit as he held up a large certificate with a red ribbon around it.

  “Each month I select an MVP from the newspaper staff. It’s my pleasure to award this certificate to you based on your outstanding contribution to the WCD newspaper as the advice columnist Miss Know-It-All. May you live long and prosper, Sparky!”

  MR. ZIMMERMAN PRESENTS ME WITH A CERTIFICATE FOR MVP OF THE MONTH!

  OMG! I was SOOOO happy!

  But more than anything I was relieved.

  Me and my friends weren’t in trouble after all.

  And now Miss Know-It-All is an award-winning columnist!

  EAT YOUR HEART OUT, MACKENZIE!!

  There was even more good news.

  Because I was getting swamped with letters, Mr. Zimmerman suggested that I select and answer only six to eight letters a day, just like a real syndicated advice columnist. EASY PEASY!!

  So now I no longer have to kill myself trying to answer two hundred letters a day. WOO-HOO!

  !!

  WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 29

  I should be asleep right now. But unfortunately, I’m wide awake, trying NOT to freak out!

  I knew I should have just waited and checked my help boxes after school like I always do. But I didn’t have time today because I STILL needed to get Brandon a birthday present.

  That’s when I decided to request a bathroom pass from geometry class. Since the hallways were usually totally empty during class hours, I could gather my letters and keep my identity a secret.

  I had made my rounds around the school and had only one box to go.

  I crept up to it like a ninja, and in a flash, snatched off the top and stuck my hand inside to grab my letters.

  But that’s when I ran into a major unexpected complication. Namely . . .

  MACKENZIE HOLLISTER !!

  MACKENZIE CATCHES ME TAKING LETTERS OUT OF MY HELP BOX!

  “Nikki, WHAT are you doing?! Aren’t you supposed to be in the bathroom?”

  “Um . . . I was on my way there right now, actually. But it’s none of your business. Who do you think you are? The BATHROOM POLICE?!”

  “Well, who do you think YOU are? Miss Know-It-All? I’m sure she wouldn’t appreciate you snooping around in her letters like—”

  That’s when MacKenzie stopped midsentence and stared at me VERY suspiciously.

  “Wait a minute! Are YOU Miss Know-It-All?!”

  “No way! I wrote a letter to her because I need her advice. I was just putting it inside the box.”

  “So why is the top off and your hand inside? Couldn’t you just drop it through the slot?”

  “Actually, I had to take the top off because . . . you know, um . . . the little slot thingy was . . . clogged up.”

  MacKenzie looked at the top. “The slot doesn’t look clogged to me.”

  “Of course it doesn’t! I just UNCLOGGED it. DUH!”

  I slammed the top back on the box and glared at MacKenzie.

  Then we both walked back to class.

  But get this! She started staring at me really evil-like and whispering to Jessica.

  And everyone knows Jessica is the biggest gossip in our school.

  Since she works in the office, she gets all the juicy inside information straight from the teachers and staff.

  I actually think Jessica must have blabbed to MacKenzie about Mr. Zimmerman naming me MVP of the month or something.

  Because when I saw her at my locker after class, she was SO mad, fire was practically shooting out of her ears.

  Personally, I think MacKenzie is just SUPERjealous because:

  1. Brandon’s party is in two days and she STILL doesn’t have an invitation.

  2. She suspects I’m Miss Know-It-All, and MY advice column is way more popular than HER very LAME fashion column.

  3. Zimmerman gave ME the MVP award.

  4. Brandon and I are becoming really good friends.

  I just knew that girl was going to say something to me by the way she was looking me up and down like that.

  And boy, was I right.

  She slammed her locker shut and suddenly got all up in my face like acne cream or something.

  I just looked at that girl like she was crazy . . . .

  MACKENZIE, GETTING ALL UP IN MY FACE FOR NO REASON!

  “Jessica tells me Zimmerman gave you a little award. Congratulations! But I wouldn’t get too comfortable around here if I were you. I have a meeting with Principal Winston tomorrow morning about a little toilet paper incident. Personally, I think the three perpetrators deserve a permanent suspension.”

  “It’s about time you FINALLY figured out it was me, Chloe, and Zoey, and NOT Brandon,” I said.

  “Are you kidding? I’m NOT stupid! I knew it was you guys all along. I was watching you clowns through my bedroom window the entire time.”

  “You actually saw us?! Then why didn’t you try and stop us before we toilet-papered your house?!”

  “Why would I want to interrupt your little shenanigans? Especially when I could use it against you guys to get you thrown out of this school? Like I’m going to do tomorrow!”

  “So, why did you blame it all on Brandon if you knew it was us all along?” I asked.

  “I knew he wouldn’t want me to get you and your little friends in trouble. And I was going to keep you out of it as long as he played along and agreed to hang out with me and invite me to his party. Everyone says we’d make such a CUTE couple! But he wasn’t interested. Guys are fickle like that!”

  MacKenzie was using ME to try to manipulate HIM into a relationship. AGAIN! But I totally trusted Brandon and knew he was a true friend.

  “MacKenzie, you’re a sick little cookie! I can’t believe you’re playing all of these mind games just to get an invitation to a party!”

  “You say that like it’s a bad thing! Anyway, I can hardly wait for you to leave so my BFF, Jessica, can move in to your locker. When Winston kicks your butt out of here, we’ll FINALLY be rid of the very foul stench in this hallway.”

  I just stared into her beady little eyes and didn’t say a word.

  I’d been through SO much drama trying to stay at WCD. And NOW I was about to get kicked out because of the Great Toilet Paper Caper?! A harmless prank! That MacKenzie had milked for all it was worth.

  But more than anything, I felt really bad for Chloe and Zoey. They were getting dragged into this mess only because MacKenzie was trying to hurt ME!

  I knew I needed to find m
y BFFs and warn them, but right then I just felt exhausted and overwhelmed.

  The past month has been one wild roller-coaster ride. And it was about to come to an end. As it derailed, crashed, and crushed all of my hopes and dreams into tiny pieces.

  Later that night I had the most awful nightmares one after another.

  But only ONE of them was horrible enough to actually wake me up . . . .

  After MacKenzie talks to Principal Winston tomorrow, I’m pretty sure I’m going to get in really big trouble. And maybe even kicked out of school.

  If that happens, not even my bug extermination scholarship can help me stay at WCD.

  And to make matters worse, when my parents find out about all of this, they’re going to KILL ME!!

  All I can do right now is bury my head in my pillow and have a really good cry.

  My situation is HOPELESS!

  I GIVE UP!

  !!

  THURSDAY, JANUARY 30

  When you’re waiting for something HORRIBLE to happen, time seems to slow down. Which means the school day drags on and on and on.

  I am so exhausted I can barely keep my eyes open. That’s because I was up most of the night either crying or having nightmares.

  My life feels so out of control.

  Right now I’m supposed to be in the janitor’s closet getting a refill for that hand sanitizer thingy in the library.

  But I’ve been so stressed out all day that I need to write in my diary really, really bad.

  If I don’t take time to vent about what just happened, I feel like I’m going to . . .

  EXPLODE!!

  ME, HIDING OUT IN THE JANITOR’S CLOSET

  I’ve been a nervous wreck all day, wondering if MacKenzie was actually going to carry out her threat and report us for the Great Toilet Paper Caper.

  Since it was getting toward the end of the school day, I started thinking she was just playing more mind games. Maybe she had decided NOT to go through with it after all.

  But sure enough, while we were shelving library books, the office secretary sent down three passes for Chloe, Zoey, and me to meet with Principal Winston right away.

  I SO wished we hadn’t toilet-papered MacKenzie’s house like that. Now we were going to have to suffer the consequences.

  Chloe, Zoey, and I hung our heads as we silently walked down the hall to the office. It felt like we were going to our executions or something.

  The worst part was not knowing whether our parents had been contacted or whether they were going to be there at the meeting.

  When we entered the office, the secretary smiled and asked us to have a seat right outside the principal’s office.

  “I have to run a quick errand,” she said, “but I’ll be back in a few minutes. Principal Winston is still on the telephone, and as soon as he gets done, he’ll meet with the four of you.”

  Four of us?! That’s when we turned around and saw MacKenzie sitting there staring at us with her beady little eyes.

  We took a seat right across from her.

  Then we tried our best to ignore that girl.

  OMG! We were so SCARED it was pathetic.

  But MacKenzie just sat there with this little smirk on her face.

  I think she was enjoying watching us squirm.

  Talk about AWKWARD!! . . .

  CHLOE, ZOEY, AND I WAIT NERVOUSLY FOR OUR EXECUTION!

  But more than anything, I wanted to slap that little smirk right off her face. And I seriously thought about doing it too.

  Hey! If it was left up to MacKenzie, Winston was going to give us the worst possible punishment, like being kicked out of school.

  So by slapping her silly, what did I have to lose? I’d just be expelled for TWO things instead of ONE. But I decided NOT to do it.

  Suddenly the door opened and Marcy rushed in.

  “OMG! I can’t believe I have all of you together!” she gasped. “Mr. Zimmerman wants me to do an investigative reporting piece on a controversy at school. I heard through one of my sources about an incident that happened between you guys a few weeks ago.”

  “YOU DID?!” the four of us responded, and blinked in surprise.

  “Yes, and it’s unbelievable! This story is breaking news and will be on the front page tomorrow. I’m hoping it’s going to get picked up by the local press, and maybe even AP national. MacKenzie, I’m here to interview you and get YOUR side of the story.”

  This was NOT good news for us.

  “You want to interview ME?!” MacKenzie asked as she smiled, batted her lashes, and slathered on five layers of Wretched Revenge Red lip gloss.

  Then, being the drama queen that she is, she sniffed and dabbed at fake tears. “OMG! It was just so . . . so . . . traumatizing! But I’m willing to share my very tragic story with the entire world. So, Marcy, why don’t you, um . . . call Brandon so he can get a close-up photo of my pure anguish?”

  That’s when I threw up in my mouth a little. Chloe and Zoey just rolled their eyes. That girl was SO full of GARBAGE her breath smelled like the city dump!

  “Do you mind if I tape this interview?” Marcy asked. “I’d like to have a permanent record.”

  “Sure!” MacKenzie answered.

  “That’d be great!” Marcy said. “Now let’s get started . . . . MacKenzie, I heard from a VERY reputable source that not only did you STEAL Nikki, Chloe, and Zoey’s costumes for the Holiday on Ice charity event, but you LOCKED the girls in a dark storage closet at the arena as well. What is your response to this allegation?!”

  MARCY INTERVIEWS MACKENZIE!

  OMG! At first Chloe, Zoey, and I just stared in shock.

  Then we couldn’t stop snickering.

  MacKenzie looked like she’d seen a ghost or something.

  But the funniest part was that her lips were moving but there was no sound coming out. Probably because she knew that every word she said was going to be recorded.

  That’s when Principal Winston finally opened the door to his office. “Good afternoon, girls. Come right in. I believe you requested this meeting, Miss Hollister?”

  MacKenzie looked at Principal Winston and us. And then she looked at Marcy.

  We looked at MacKenzie and Principal Winston. Then we looked at Marcy too.

  Marcy looked at Principal Winston and MacKenzie. Then she looked at us.

  Only, I could have sworn she winked.

  All of this looking at each other went on for what seemed like FOREVER!

  Suddenly MacKenzie cleared her throat.

  “Actually, Principal Winston, I just wanted to have a little meeting to . . . you know . . . ask you about . . . um, the . . . ” She looked around the office nervously and spotted an apple on the secretary’s desk. “ . . . the APPLES . . . in the . . . cafeteria. We really need more apple stuff! Like apple dumplings, apple pie, applesauce, apple turnover, apple . . . um, everything!” MacKenzie said nervously.

  I couldn’t help but imagine her standing there like an airhead with a huge tray of apple snacks . . . .

  “Don’t you agree, Nikki?” MacKenzie asked, and batted her eyelashes all innocentlike.

  I shrugged. “No, not really.”

  I was NOT about to bail her out of this one.

  Principal Winston looked highly annoyed and scratched his head. “Miss Hollister, you actually requested this meeting to discuss adding more apples to the cafeteria menu?”

  “Um, yes! Apples . . . ROCK!” MacKenzie said, and smiled really big.

  “Well, okay then. I’ll mention your idea to the head cook. Now, if you girls don’t have any other pressing matters to discuss, I do have quite a bit of work I need to tackle,” Mr. Winston said, glancing at his watch.

  “There’s nothing else I want to discuss,” MacKenzie rambled on, “and I’m pretty sure there’s nothing else my good friends here want to discuss either. Right, girls?!”

  We all just folded our arms and gave her a dirty look.

  Then she continued. “Thank you for your time, Principal W
inston. Now you get right back to work. We know you’re busy, busy, busy! And we’re all going back to class. Right, girls?! And we’re going to study, study, study!”

  Just like that, our meeting with Principal Winston was over even before it got started.

  When we finally got back to the library, we did a group hug! Only this time it included Marcy . . . .

  OMG! Chloe, Zoey, and I were SO relieved that fiasco was OVER.

  We thought for sure our parents were going to be called in and we were going to get expelled from school or worse.

  We couldn’t thank Marcy enough for helping us out of that big mess.

  “You guys are the only friends I have here,” she said shyly.

  “Well, we consider YOU a friend too!” I said.

  “Unequivocally!” Zoey said.

  “Absolutely!” Chloe added, and gave her jazz hands.

  That’s when my curiosity got the best of me.

  “Actually, Marcy, what I really want to know is this: HOW did you find out about MacKenzie stealing our costumes and locking us in that storage locker?”

  “Every investigative reporter has their secret sources. And mine is a SUPERreliable one!”

  Then she held up a very familiar newspaper . . . .

  We cracked up laughing.

  Apparently, Brianna has been handing out her Some Times newspaper to kids in her class. And Marcy’s little brother had brought one home.

  I could NOT believe Brianna was actually putting all of our personal family business in the streets like that. But thank goodness she had.

  Another strange thing was the timing of Marcy’s interview with MacKenzie. PERFECT!

  “I was in the girls’ bathroom and overheard MacKenzie bragging to Jessica that she had scheduled a meeting with Winston to get you guys kicked out of school,” Marcy explained. “MacKenzie also said she was pretty sure your dad was going to close his business to come work full-time for HER dad. And as soon as he did, she was going to convince her dad to transfer him to the other side of the state just to get rid of you.”

  I felt like I’d just been hit in the face with a bat.