All We Left Behind

by Danielle R. Graham

  ‘What does that mean?’

  ‘Nothing can be done about it.’

  ‘Like giving up?’

  ‘No. Flowing with the current, accepting what cannot be changed and making the most of whatever is left afterwards.’

  I nodded, but I wasn’t ever going to accept losing her. We walked in heavy silence along the road towards Bennett Bay. Once we reached the pebbly beach, I guided her to sit on a log. ‘There is one precious family memento I would very much wish for you to take with you, if you don’t mind.’ I kneeled on one knee, removed my cap, and pulled a box out of my pocket.

  ‘Hayden.’ She smiled hesitantly. ‘What’s this?’

  ‘You’ll have to open it to find out.’

  She tipped the lid open and gasped. ‘Oh, my goodness.’

  I clasped her hand in mine. ‘It’s safer for you to stay with your family for now, but I am going to marry you as soon as this is all over if you’ll let me. Will you?’

  Her mouth gaped open as she stared down at the engagement ring. ‘It is stunning.’

  ‘It was my grandmother’s.’

  She slid the ring onto her finger and held her hand up to the light to admire the sparkle.

  ‘So, what’s your response?’

  ‘Yes. Of course. Yes.’ She threw her arms around my neck and squeezed tightly.

  Chapter 25

  I wished our barrack was able to mingle with Gordie’s. I longed for someone different to talk to, especially since all the fellows in my barrack talked endlessly about their sweethearts. Talking about Chidori only made me more downhearted, so I preferred to keep my thoughts about her private. I often wondered if she still wore her charm bracelet and her engagement ring. If I were to get out alive and make it all the way back home only to find out Chidori was sweet on some other bloke, it would literally kill me.

  ‘An extra slice of black bread for whoever guesses closest to the time that Pierce wakes up from his nightmare shrieking,’ Matt hollered.

  I lowered my book and watched as they placed their bets. ‘I want quarter past one,’ I said.

  ‘You can’t bet on yourself.’

  ‘Why not? It’s not as if I can control it.’

  Matt contemplated for a second, then nodded to agree. ‘All right. Quarter past one for Hayden.’

  ‘Couldn’t we wager something better than a slice of black bread that tastes like sawdust?’

  ‘We would if we had anything better.’

  Chapter 26

  On 20 April 1942, Chidori and I spent her last day before the evacuation together. We ate lunch at the Springwater Lodge and then spent the afternoon exploring the entire island, all of our favourite childhood haunts – tidal pools of starfish, beaches of sea glass and meadows of wild flowers. The last thing we did was hike the highest peak in the middle of the island to take in the view of the surrounding islands. I carved our initials in the flesh of an arbutus tree. She etched a heart around our initials and then picked up two small pebbles.

  ‘Here.’ She handed me one of the pebbles. ‘You take one and I’ll take one so I’ll always have a little piece of Mayne Island with me wherever I end up.’

  I tucked the pebble into my pocket and gave her a kiss, but unfortunately because of the government-imposed curfew we had to leave so she would be home before dusk. We walked as slowly as possible to delay the inevitable, then as the sun set, I stood on her porch and rested my forehead on hers. She wrapped her hands around mine and we just breathed.

  ‘Today has been a perfect day,’ I finally said.

  She nodded to agree but also sighed.

  ‘I already miss you.’

  She tilted her head back and held my face. ‘Promise you will be here when I come back home.’

  ‘I promise.’ I had to gulp back the emotion that crept up my throat.

  ‘And promise you won’t get tired of waiting and marry someone else.’

  I laughed. ‘I’m not going to marry anyone other than you, even if I have to wait until I’m one hundred years old.’

  Pleased with that answer she grinned. ‘Well, I hope the war ends quickly so I don’t have to marry an old man.’ As quickly as it had glimmered, the brightness in her eyes faded again. ‘In all seriousness, please wait for me.’

  ‘You don’t even need to ask me to do that.’

  She leaned in and kissed my cheek. ‘Will you be at the dock to see us off tomorrow morning?’

  ‘Of course.’

  She nodded and let my hands drop as she turned away, but I tugged her arm and spun her around to kiss her one more time.

  ‘I love you as much as God does,’ she whispered before rushing into the house. She blew me a kiss and then closed the door.

  My heart sunk into my belly with a thud and the contents of my stomach churned as I walked home in the dark.

  There were chores to be done, so I finished my work by the light of a lantern. I had missed dinner but wasn’t much in the mood to eat anyway. Dreading the following morning, I built up the fire in the living room instead of going upstairs to turn in for the night. A letter addressed to me from Rosalyn was set at my place at the table, so I sat down and opened it.

  Dear Haydie,

  I worry how you are coping during these last days before saying goodbye to Chidori. As your big sister, I have watched your love for each other grow from the innocent joy shared between childhood friends into the adorable flirtations of puppy love and finally into the unbreakable bond of true love. To find a soul you can share all of yourself with is such a beautiful thing. It is heart-wrenching to have that person taken from you and I am truly sorry you have to feel the pain that comes from being uncertain whether you will ever see her again.

  I’m saddened to report that all of the Japanese-Canadian nurses I work with were relieved of their positions at the hospital. As a result, we are very short-staffed and I have been assigned to do a special rotation at the Hastings Park facility where they are holding the Japanese Canadians before they are relocated to the internment camps. There has been an outbreak of lice at Hastings Park due to the uncomfortably close living conditions. Extra nurses are needed to make sure it is brought under control. I hope Chidori and her family will not be there long. I will write you after my shift to let you know the conditions inside the facility. Then you can inform Chidori’s family so they will know what to expect and what to pack to come prepared.

  If I could give you one word of advice, it would be to not let one moment of your time with Chidori be wasted. Put aside disagreements, feel the touch of her hand in yours frequently, and speak the words from your heart freely. We only have the present moment, so treasure it before it becomes the past.

  I love you,

  Rose

  I dropped the letter on the table and shot up. My parents were asleep, so I snuck out and carefully clicked the front door shut behind me, then ran all the way to Chidori’s house. I jumped to grab the roof of the porch and pulled myself up the same way I had pulled myself out of the Issei Sun’s cold storage hundreds of times. Chidori’s bedroom window was open a crack, so I lifted the sash and stepped into the darkness. The sheets rustled as if she had been startled.

  ‘It’s me,’ I whispered.

  ‘Hi,’ she whispered back, and her smile was audible. She shifted over on the bed to make room for me.

  I kicked off my boots and climbed under the cover with her. ‘I know it’s improper to be here, but I received a letter from Rosalyn that made me realize we shouldn’t waste even one minute of our time together. Is that fine with you?’

  ‘Yes.’

  I searched for her hand and when I found it, I pulled it up to hold it against my heart. Her fingers intertwined with mine and she squeezed them tightly. I inhaled to smell her hair and pressed my cheek against hers to commit to memory the smoothness of her skin. My lips searched for hers and she kissed me back with an intensity that I had never felt before. Being that close to her was the best feeling in the world. But I knew it was going t
o be followed with the worst the following day.

  Chapter 27

  F/O Pierce Duration as POW: 254 days.

  In my nightmare last night, I got sucked right through the earth into hell and was consumed by flames. I woke up screaming at twenty minutes after two.

  Virgil won the bet.

  I’m quite certain there is something wrong with my mind.

  F/O Pierce Duration as POW: 260 days.

  Today, I dropped the rock from Mayne Island that Chidori gave me before she left. It mixed in with the other stones in the yard and I couldn’t tell which one it was. I searched on my hands and knees, but all the rocks look the same. It’s lost here. Forever.

  F/O Pierce Duration as POW: 270 days.

  I have a craving for chocolate, which is strange since I never much cared for chocolate before. A mouse ran across the floor the other day in search of food. It didn’t find anything, obviously. It squeezed back out through a crack in the floorboards and I bitterly envied it because it could just leave and find some food outside the gate. If I used a tin can like a shovel, I could probably dig a tunnel under the fence. I wonder how long it would take.

  If that mouse ever comes back, I’m going to catch it and cook it up.

  The lack of sleep must be muddling my thoughts. The melancholy that runs on my mother’s side of the family probably doesn’t help. The content of the letter in my pocket that I pretend to know nothing about doesn’t help either.

  The only thing keeping me sane enough to survive this miserable place is Chidori.

  F/O Pierce Duration as POW: I lost count recently.

  A rainbow arced over Chez Stalag Luft. It disappeared after only a few seconds, though. Who could blame it? It took a look around and realized it had no business being in a place like this.

  ‘Give to me,’ the guard with the white hair and nasty nose that Gordie had warned me about pointed at the picture of Chidori I was holding.

  I slid the photo back into my pocket and stared at the ground.

  The butt end of his rifle smashed between my shoulder blades and knocked me to my hands and knees. His long gnarly fingers rummaged through my pocket and he snatched the photo. I seized his arm and tried to stop him, but he kicked me in the stomach. Doubled over and gasping, I grabbed his ankle and yanked. My arms were too weak to pull him to the ground, but he stumbled briefly. Once he regained his footing, he kicked me in the ribs until I was lying on my back and then he held the gun to my head. His boot landed on my chest and he shifted his weight to apply more than enough pressure to prevent me from being able to sit up.

  He studied the picture of Chidori and grabbed his crotch. ‘Jap prostitute. I sex her for you.’

  My jaw muscles locked up as I resisted the urge to tell him to go to hell. The barrel of the gun pressed harder against my forehead. He glared at me right in the eye and waited for me to react. My chest heaved, attempting to breathe under the weight of his boot. A crowd of other inmates circled around us, but so did a bunch of nervous guards.

  The goon’s heel slid up higher until it crushed my throat. With the gun tucked under his armpit to free both hands, he held up the picture of Chidori, then sneered as he tore the photo into pieces and sprinkled the scraps down on my face.

  My arms wrapped around his leg and my rage fuelled enough strength to knock him off balance. Without his foot on my throat I was able to get my feet under me and yank him to his knees. He swung the gun around and caught me across the cheek, which sent me flying back. I landed on my backside.

  A gun fired in the air and everyone froze in a startled position, including my assailant. The shot had come from the rifle of his commanding officer. One glare from the skinny moustached officer made the white-haired guard stand down. Maybe the body count had been getting too high to justify to the authorities, or maybe the CO actually had some respect for international law, I didn’t know. But my life was spared and two other guards grabbed my arms to drag me to lock-up.

  I was thankful that the CO had stepped in, but that veil of protection ended when he left the compound in the evening. The white-haired guard ordered the guard on duty outside the cell to leave. Once we were alone he bound my arms and legs with rough twine. With his boot toe he slid a sloshing full steel bucket of urine across the floor and hoisted me by the armpits to force me to kneel. His palm thrust my head into the bucket and held me down as I struggled helplessly without the use of my arms. My lungs contracted in protest, pleading with me to inhale. He crushed all of his weight down on my shoulders, knowing my instinct would cause me to gulp back the urine if he held me down long enough. Instead of pulling my head up as he expected, I lurched my torso sideways and knocked the bucket over. Livid, he punted the empty bucket across the room and it ricocheted off the bars of the cell. Then he booted my ribs until I blacked out.

  Admittedly, it would have served me right if the goon murdered me. Chidori would become so cross if she found out I had gotten myself killed over a photograph. And all for nothing since the photo was already torn into confetti.

  I should have learned my lesson the first time I almost died from my own stubbornness. Chidori and I were about eight years old. We were swimming in Bennett Bay and got caught in a rip current that pulled us out into deeper water. I feverishly tried to swim back against the flow into shallow water but made no progress and exhausted myself in the process. She had calmly floated and let the current take her out until it weakened and then she swam perpendicular to the rip into calmer waters. She called to me to do the same but for some pig-headed reason I believed if I struggled hard enough I could out-power the current. I was wrong. A teenager who had been at the beach that day swam out to me, held me as he let the current take us both out further, then at the spot where the outflow lost its strength he cut across at an angle to free us from the drag, just as Chidori had done. I never did figure out why I had been too stubborn and stupid to surrender.

  Why hadn’t I learned anything? I was stuck in a rip again. Chidori was calling to me. I needed to stop acting stubborn and stupid.

  When the guard returned, I didn’t fight back. Surprisingly, the beating didn’t hurt any worse. It didn’t hurt any less either. But my pacifism did seem to take some of the fun out of the abuse for the guard. And the following day, the minister from the International Red Cross arrived at the camp. Thankfully, someone had reported that I had been sent to solitary confinement after a scuffle in the yard. He inquired about my well-being and I was released. Whether my rescue was a coincidence or a result of my conscientious surrender, I didn’t know. I did know what Chidori would have believed the reason to be. And she would have been proud.

  F/O Pierce Duration as POW: No idea.

  Surrendering to my fate in solitary confinement might have saved my life but my body has not recovered from the shame of being brutally victimized. My hands have developed a tremor that doesn’t stop all day or night. The water spills out over the edge of my cup if I don’t hold it with two hands. And I can barely read my own writing because the pencil bounces around on the sheet like a telegraph tapping out Morse.

  I pray Chidori and her family are not being horribly mistreated by guards or forced to live in squalor. I have had to coerce myself to believe she is safe and well, otherwise I would die of guilt for not rescuing her.

  In my nightmare I was strapped, like an ox, to a huge wood cart and struggling to pull it up a steep hill. The cart was filled with the mangled bodies of all the pilots I have killed, along with all my squadron mates who were shot down. The British fellow from the train was also piled on top, clutching a broken doll coated in ceramic and barnacles. The mother seal from Mayne Island and Rose were in the cart, too, along with a load of other tragedies I didn’t want to remember. The cart grew heavier, and if I slowed down, it became more difficult to keep the forward momentum of the wheels. I stopped to take a break and the cart lurched backwards. It hurtled down the hill, dragging me with it. My skin burned off from the friction and my exposed bones snapped
against the rocks. I fought to free myself from the harness, but I was trapped.

  I woke up wrestling Nigel in the bunk next to me. It took three other fellows to pull me off him. It was eighteen minutes after three.

  Lloyd won the bet. And I was officially considered a danger to myself and others.

  Chapter 28

  Tuesday 21 April 1942 arrived. Fifty Japanese-Canadian men, women and children were to make their way to the dock at Miner’s Bay and wait for the Princess Mary to take them away from Mayne Island – the only home most of them had ever known.

  Early in the morning, I had slipped out of Chidori’s bedroom window and was standing on their porch when she and her family stepped out their front door with the 150 pounds of belongings they were permitted to take. I leaned against the post nonchalantly, as if I had just strolled up and was waiting on them. When our eyes met, Chidori blushed from our secret. Before anyone else could notice she reached over and fixed my hair, which was mussed from sleeping in her bed all night.

  While everyone was busy with the luggage, she kissed me and whispered, ‘Please don’t kiss me at the dock. I don’t want to cry in front of everyone.’

  I nodded to promise and lifted her bags to carry them to her father’s truck for her. Chidori’s grandmother and mother sat in the cab with her father. She, her brothers and I climbed onto the flatbed with the luggage. Tosh and Kenji both sat on trunks and rested their elbows on their knees, staring down at their shoes. Chidori and I sat next to each other on the floor of the flatbed with our backs rested against the cab of the truck. Her expression became layered with sorrow as we pulled away from the house and left it behind.

  Once we were at the dock, Mr Setoguchi handed me the keys to the truck. ‘Would you please drive it back to the house for us?’ His voice didn’t reveal any emotion, but his sadness was evident in his demeanour as he passed the responsibility over to me. ‘Park it in the barn.’