Zero Dwarfs Given (Dwarf Bounty Hunter Book 4)

by Martha Carr

  “You bet. In case we need to contact y’all in the future.”

  “Um…what?” Yarren stood slowly and the severed ropes dropped around his body as he stared at Johnny. “You came here for me, didn’t you?”

  “Sure. But what I got was the truth. I see no reason to take y’all in as peaceful as y’all have been. Well, for the most part. And whoever has those photos needs to send ʼem along when y’all finish exchangin’ numbers, understand?”

  “Yeah.” The Kilomea glanced at his friends as they all moved slowly toward Lisa, frowned at each other in confusion, and rubbed their wrists. “I… Thanks, man. I don’t know what else to say.”

  “You’ve said enough. Sorry y’all had to be tied up for anyone to hear it.”

  “I want all of you out of my house.” Hugh snarled with barely suppressed rage. “This is a violation—”

  “Y’all get in here and get a good shot of this magical-hater, huh?” Johnny pointed at the senator with his blade, then flicked the utility knife shut and returned it to his belt. “As close as you like. Maybe even get that pulsin’ vein in his temple.”

  Without waiting for anyone else’s permission, Cody stepped nimbly across the broken glass to zoom in on Senator Hugh. The man tried to jerk away from the camera but was held fast in his chair. “Let me out, dwarf!”

  “Naw. You need some coolin’-off time to think about your choices.” The bounty hunter stepped past the film crew and nodded once at Yarren and his buddies who shared their numbers with Lisa. “It’s time to get on, boys.”

  “Aw, Johnny. Can’t I at least bite a chunk out of him?” Luther snarled at Hugh, then darted out of Cody’s way.

  “What about his gun, Johnny?” Rex asked as he leapt onto the leather sectional and trotted down the length of it. “He wasn’t using it the right way.”

  Johnny snapped his fingers and waved for his hounds to catch up without turning to look at them.

  “Untie me this instant!” the senator bellowed. “This is why none of you deserve the same rights. You’re monsters.”

  The dwarf snorted.

  “You…you can’t do this!”

  “Watch me.” He threw the knob-less front door open with a bang and stepped out onto the front porch.

  Chapter Thirteen

  After Lisa got all the information she needed from the magicals Johnny had deemed perfectly innocent, she joined him on the sidewalk beside their rental car. Yarren, Percy, and Evan hurried down the street toward their vehicle and glanced over their shoulders. The half-wizard raised a hesitant hand in thanks and farewell, and he nodded.

  “Johnny.”

  “Lisa.”

  She turned toward him and folded her arms. “You took a federal case and flipped it completely on its head.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “The Department will lose their shit when they see this report.”

  He glanced at her and sniffed disdainfully. “I’m the one callin’ the shots, darlin’. I always have been and always will be.”

  “That’s not the way they see it.”

  “I ain’t worried ʼbout how they see it. And I ain’t workin’ for the Department. I work for myself. I sure as shit didn’t come out of retirement to be the Bureau’s lapdog.”

  Lisa raised an eyebrow. “You won’t get paid for a bounty you don’t bring in either.”

  “If I did, it’d make me as bad as Senator Earthist in there.”

  Despite the odd turn of events, she couldn’t hold back a laugh. “Earthist?”

  “Well, it ain’t entirely racist, is it? If he had his way, you and I would both be outta here with every other magical.”

  “Huh.” She glanced at the front door of Hugh’s house as the last of the film crew hurried down the long driveway and gathered beside their vans, waiting for the next adventure. “You could probably coin that phrase, you know.”

  “I don’t want nothin’ to do with it. But I do wanna take a look at those photos Yarren and his pals snapped of Hugh’s muscle. Did you get those?”

  “They told me I’d get an email later today. Is this something you want to take to the Department?”

  “With recorded proof of their story and the senator makin’ an even bigger ass of himself? Sure.”

  “Well, that little snippet of video has you letting three magicals—including the bounty you were sent after—go free while you left a senator tied up in his living room.”

  Johnny snorted and stepped around the front of the rental truck to open the driver’s door. “Let ʼem see, darlin’. I don’t give a damn ʼbout what the Department might make of it.”

  They both climbed into the cab and he looked in the rearview mirror at Rex and Luther sniffing the open bed.

  “Besides, the whole damn Bureau owes me much more than lookin’ the other way on this. I ain’t opened my mouth about Dawn’s murder and Operation Deadroot and the fact that they let me think her murderer was walkin’ round free for fifteen years. They’ll be gettin’ a helluva bargain when we’re done in Baltimore.”

  “Oh, yeah?” Lisa closed her door and buckled up.

  “You bet. A two for one special. The Red Boar on a silver platter and the video of Senator Asshole incriminatin’ his own damn self. Maybe then they’ll stop sendin’ me bullshit cases with the wrong name fillin’ in that blank line under Bounty.”

  “And that’s all you want?”

  He shrugged and started the engine. “After we’re done here, I reckon I could ask for whatever I want simply to keep them thinkin’ they have me in their pockets.”

  “Like what?”

  “I dunno yet. I’ll hafta think about it.”

  The back door to the cab opened and Howie’s cane thunked onto the back seat. With a groan, the old man pulled himself into the cab and flopped down with a heavy sigh. “Well, wasn’t that exciting?”

  “It’s been a while for you, huh?” Johnny smirked at him through the rearview mirror.

  “Something like that. Listen, Johnny. I told that over-eager director that I’d get you to stick around and do another Q&A after you were done with this house.”

  “Why’d the hell you tell him that?”

  “Well, mostly to get him to stay the hell out of your way.”

  “Huh.” Johnny leaned toward his window and looked through the side mirror.

  Phil stood in front of his van and saw the dwarf looking at him. He spread his arms. “It’ll be quick!”

  “But they didn’t stay outside until we were done.” He shrugged. “So you’re off the hook with your promise. I think they have enough for a whole extra episode with what they caught inside just now. Close your door, Howie. We’re gettin’ outta here.”

  For a moment, the old man looked as if he couldn’t put two and two together. Then, he shrugged. “Yeah. Yeah, I guess that works.”

  His door clicked shut and he strapped himself in.

  “So should we tell them where we’re going?” Lisa asked.

  “Naw. They’ll get the hint.”

  “Do you know where we’re going?”

  He smirked at her, then took his black sunglasses from the center console and put them on. “We have the whole rest of the day to kill, darlin’. Is there any chance you made a list?”

  She laughed. “Tell me you’re not serious.”

  “Maybe.”

  They left their rentals at the hotel and walked through Baltimore city with the film crew tagging along behind Johnny, “Stephanie,” and the hounds. Howie made sure to keep the crew no less than ten feet away, but even the old man who used to run Dwarf the Bounty Hunter back in the day wasn’t fully prepared for the one week in August that couldn’t have been much stranger.

  “Oh, my God!” A woman shouted from the corner of the street on South Sharp Street. “Is that the bounty hunter?”

  Johnny tried to ignore the shouts, gawking, and pointing, but when they reached the Baltimore Convention Center, he could no longer restrain himself. “What the hell is goin’ on here?
”

  Lisa responded with an uncertain chuckle and scratched her head. “I honestly have no idea.”

  “Johnny. Hey, Johnny.” Luther stepped closer to his master and lowered his head, his ears and tail pressed down flat. “Are those horses walking on two legs?”

  “I’ve never seen horses like that, Johnny.” Rex barked twice. “I think they can talk.”

  “Look! Look—I knew it!” A man wearing a black costume with a horse head, rainbow-colored hooves, a tail, and fluttering sheer wings pranced toward them. “Guys, come on. Look who it is!”

  “What the fuck is this?” the dwarf muttered.

  From outside the convention center, a whole swarm of people followed the black-horse down the sidewalk toward the bounty hunter and his hounds. “Oh, my God. You’re Johnny Walker, right?”

  “I heard your show was coming back. It’s for real! Are you filming in Baltimore?”

  “Of course they are. Look at all the cameras.”

  “Excuse me. Excuse me.” A woman dressed in a shimmering white sequined jumpsuit and a wig of purple curls shoved through the crowd closing in on the dwarf. Her eyes were plastered with blue makeup and glitter, and she brushed the wig over her shoulder and threw her head back to reveal a white unicorn horn in the middle of her forehead to round the ensemble off. “Johnny?”

  He studied her for a moment with a confused scowl. His gaze lingered on the extremely low cut of the white-sequined jumpsuit that almost exposed her whole chest. “Who’s asking?”

  The woman tossed her purple hair again and grinned. “I’m Rarity.”

  “That’s not your real name,” another horse weirdo shouted.

  “It’s close enough, okay?” The woman stepped toward the dwarf with her hands clasped in front of her chest, batted her lashes, and somehow widened her eyes at the same time. “I’ve been a huge fan ever since I was a little girl.”

  The bounty hunter raised an eyebrow and muttered, “Are you sure you still ain’t?”

  A high-pitched giggle escaped her. “Oh, my gosh. It would make me so happy to get your autograph. Can I? Please? Please?”

  “I don’t do autographs, darlin’. Sorry.”

  “Well, maybe you should start.” The woman pressed closer. “You brought the show back, right? Maybe now’s a good time to change things up a little.”

  “Johnny…” Luther crouched lower at his master’s side. “They don’t smell like horses but they’re closing in.”

  Lisa forced a laugh back as the people of Baltimore in outrageous horse cosplay formed a huge crowd around the bounty hunter. “It’s all on camera, Johnny,” she muttered. “Part of a good distraction, right?”

  He grunted. The Red Boar’s gonna see me signin’ autographs for a buncha crazies. Sure. That’ll draw him out.

  Shaking his head, Johnny sighed heavily. “Just the one then.”

  “Yes! Oh, my God. Thank you!” The woman screeched in delight and bounced up and down in her shiny purple heels.

  Rex cocked his head and stared up at her. “Johnny, that lady’s gonna fall out of her suit.”

  “It’s a lady?” Luther whined.

  “Got a pen or somethin’?”

  Lisa shook her head.

  “Oh, no, no.” The purple-haired woman reached into her dangerously low-cut jumpsuit and pulled out a purple marker. “I always have something on me.”

  “Is that right?” Johnny cleared his throat and took the marker from her. “Glitter?”

  “It’s the only way to go.” She winked at him, then turned and bent slightly forward and pointed at the small of her back just above the tail of purple hair sprouting from her suit. “Right here, please.”

  Lisa rolled her eyes and chuckled. “Wow.”

  “How about a better—”

  “No, that’s exactly where I want your name.” The woman looked over her shoulder at him and grinned. “Forever.”

  Holy shit. With wide eyes, Johnny scribbled a sloppy signature quickly that didn’t look anything like what he used for official documents, then thrust the marker at the woman and raised both hands in surrender. “There. Done. Now go back to…whatever you were doin’.”

  “You’re amazing!” The woman spun and dropped a heavy kiss on the dwarf’s cheek. “This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me!”

  She pranced through the crowd, practically skipping in her purple heels.

  “Dammit.” Johnny scowled at the horse-costumed people around him—the brightly colored wigs, the fake hooves, the face paint in rainbows and stars, stripes, moons, and hearts. The next woman who shoved toward him had added a cowboy hat to her ensemble.

  “Sign my hat?” She crouched on all fours in front of him and whinnied.

  “What’re you doin’?”

  “Please?”

  “Johnny…” Lisa pressed her lips together and pointed at the huge banner hanging over the front doors of the convention center.

  He looked at it intently for a moment and scowled. “What the fuck is BronyCon?”

  The woman with the cowboy hat handed him a sharpie as she stood, then removed her hat and handed that over too. “My Little Pony.” She grinned. “You have no idea what this is, do you?”

  “No, and I ain’t fixin’ to find out.” He snatched the hat and marker from her, scribbled, and shoved them back. “That’s it. No more.”

  “Friendship is magic.” She flashed him a peace sign, put her hat on, and skipped through the crowd, squealing in delight.

  “No.” Johnny pushed through the first row of people in front of him who chattered loudly amongst themselves and asked for autographs. “We’re out. To me, boys.”

  “But Johnny…” Rex panted heavily and stared at the horse-dressed people towering over him as they cooed and scratched behind his ears and along his back. “They like hounds. Oh, yeah. Scratch right there—yeah, yeah, yeah.”

  Luther turned in a tight circle, his eyes wide, and barked at a man with his face painted black with yellow stars. “Johnny, I want out. Hey, back up, horse. Guy. Whatever.”

  The dwarf responded with a piercing whistle, and both hounds extracted themselves instantly from their quirky fans.

  Lisa wove through the cosplayers to catch up with him. “So what do you think?”

  “Right now, darlin’, my mind’s been wiped blank.” He snorted and shook his head. “I don’t get it.”

  “Is this weirder than Portland?”

  “Don’t you try to turn this around. I ain’t goin’ back to that damn city. And we’re avoidin’ the convention center like a plague.”

  She laughed and glanced over her shoulder at the crowd of people who stared after them and pointed. The film crew moved around the pedestrians to hurry after the bounty hunter. “Well, on the bright side, Dwarf the Bounty Hunter has one of the most eclectic fan bases I’ve ever seen.”

  “Those ain’t fans. Those are crazy people.”

  “You think so?” They turned the corner toward McKeldin Fountain, and Lisa regarded him speculatively. “Let me guess. You don’t even dress up on Halloween.”

  He sniffed and glanced at the sculpture that looked like a hunk of giant rocks stuck together on their left. “That’s months away and we ain’t talkin’ ʼbout it.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  They took a brief trip to see Oriole Park at Camden Yards, then paid a visit to the Maryland Science Center and the Gallery at Harborplace. Wherever Johnny Walker showed his face, the fans came out of the woodwork.

  “I can’t believe it. He’s back!”

  “I told you he wasn’t dead, Maggie. He only wanted to get out of the spotlight for a while.”

  “Oh, my God. They’ve been putting videos up for two days, and he’s still out here filming?”

  “This is even better than the last season. He has dogs with him!”

  “And a sexy sidekick too.”

  “Hey.” Johnny pointed at the man and cocked his head. “Watch your mouth.”

  Lisa laughed a
s they headed down East Cromwell Street after a walk along the water in Riverside Park. “So you’re trying to defend Stephanie’s honor now too, huh?”

  “What?” He scoffed. “Just because you’re showin’ up on everyone’s damn smartass devices don’t give folks the right to say whatever they want to your face.”

  “It’s not my face, though, Johnny.”

  “Huh. You’re still in there.”

  The crowds thinned by necessity when Howie began to swing his cane from side to side and spouted warnings about interference with the filming. “Do you want to be sued for this? No? Then back the hell up, buddy. Johnny has work to do!”

  “Okay, now I get why you wanted the old guy around.” Lisa chuckled. “Was he your bodyguard too back in the day?”

  The dwarf ran a hand through his hair and grimaced. “I don’t need a bodyguard, darlin’. That’s crowd control.”

  “But he has a cane this time.”

  The aforementioned cane whacked on the sidewalk behind them. “Move along, people! You’ll see it all when the episode airs. Get back!”

  “Yep.” Johnny glanced at the row of marquees stretched across the restaurants in front of them. “And he can handle it. Are you hungry?”

  She. “Are you?”

  “I could eat. It would take my mind off all the crazies tryin’ to run me down to sign their babies.”

  “That might be taking it a little too far. No one’s offered their baby today.”

  “Naw, I’m talkin’ about Season Four.”

  “What?”

  Luther and Rex turned to face away from Johnny and growled at anyone who tried to approach them or even pass them on the sidewalk.

  “You know what this is like, Johnny?” Rex wagged his tail and barked when a woman walking her golden retriever passed on the other side of the street. “Hey, how’s it goin’? Johnny, this is like going to the dog park when someone brought their bitch in heat.”

  Luther uttered a low whine. “Yeah, Johnny. And you’re the bitch.”

  The dwarf snorted and glanced at the smaller hound facing away from him. “Have you got that outta your system?”

  “I wanna get this city outta my system, Johnny.”