by Portia Moore
“I called Blue and he found me, and he told me more about my family. He said I had a brother here in Chicago, and out of all of my siblings, he seemed like the best one to try to contact. And Blue has family here too.” She hesitates, and I can tell she’s thinking of something, deciding what to tell me. I want her to be honest with me, entirely honest, like I always have been with her. But I also promised not to push her.
“I met Calvin—my brother,” she continues, “and it was a little bit of a rocky start, but once we were sure of the family connection, he warmed up. He has a wife, and she’s lovely, and he’s helped me with all of this. This is his apartment complex he’s letting me stay in, and he got me a job, and he’s set me up with a really good doctor.” She looks at me, her eyes wide and faintly hopeful. “That’s why I asked you to come, Kam. Cal has the same condition that we are fairly certain that I have, and my psychiatrist thinks that you should sit in on a therapy session with me. She can help walk you through my diagnosis, and we can try to come up with a plan for how to handle it.”
Condition. My father’s words echo through my head, but I push them away. If a doctor is helping her, then there’s a solution. It doesn’t have to mean the end. I reach forward and take her hand, squeezing it gently in mine. “Of course, Megan,” I tell her, trying to be reassuring. “That’s what I want, to understand so that I can help you through this. I think your doctor has a really good idea, and I’m glad you called me.”
She lets out a long, slow breath, and I can tell she’s relieved, that she was afraid of how I would take it. Honestly, I don’t know how I would feel if it were anyone else. It’s a lot to take in, and I’m afraid of what else will be confirmed along the way. Alana’s picture and the words Code Black run through my head, but I shake it off. This is Megan. This is the woman I love. What else can I do?
“What is the condition?” I ask quickly, before I chicken out. “If you want to tell me.”
“Maybe it’s better if you hear it from Helen—my doctor.” Megan frowns, looking nervous. “It’s kind of weird, but she can explain better, or help me explain. Is that alright?”
“Of course,” I assure her, threading my fingers through hers. “I talked to my professors and made arrangements to stay for a week, as long as that’s alright with you. And there’s only a few weeks left before spring break, I can come back and stay with you then as well, and we can be together for a little while. We can start to adjust to this new normal.”
For a second, I’m afraid she’s going to tell me that she doesn’t want me to stay so long, or to come back during spring break. That she needs more space. But she just squeezes my hand, and looking at her soft, hopeful face, I can’t help myself. I’ve waited this long to kiss her again, but I need to touch her. I need to remember what it felt like for us, before all of this.
I lean forward, touching her cheek gently. I feel her hesitate for a fraction of a second, and it hurts to realize it. But then she leans forward too, and I don’t argue. I kiss her, my lips brushing over hers softly, and I feel her breathe in sharply. She reaches up, her fingers threading through my hair, and pulls my mouth down to hers.
I can feel the kiss in every part of my body. It’s been a long time, and I can feel myself harden immediately, suddenly desperate for the feel of her naked skin, her underneath me. Her lips part under mine as my tongue brushes over her lower lip, sliding into her mouth and tasting her. She tastes sweet and minty, and I breathe in sharply, gasping as we finally break the kiss. “Bed?” I ask, barely able to think of how to form a sentence as I pull her up from the couch.
She nods wordlessly and reaches for my hand, leading me towards the bedroom.
If I’d had any doubts before as to whether or not this was Megan’s apartment, they’re multiplied when I see the bedroom. The furnishings are sparse and clean, mid-century modern style, and the bed is done in dark greys, looking more like a showroom than the kind of cozy, soft, feminine space I know Megan likes. I assumed she was borrowing the apartment from someone, but I feel a flash of jealousy. Is it this family that she’s mentioned finding? Or someone else?
She turns towards me, her soft breasts pressing into my chest again, and I forget about furnishings and apartment ownership and sheets, except for how badly I want to get on top of her. I slide my hands underneath her shirt, brushing over the curve of her waist, and I feel her gasp. I remember how she likes that, how sensitive she is there, and I stroke the curves there for a moment before I slide my hands up her ribs to her breasts. I groan as I feel them fill my hands, warm and soft, the hard nipples brushing against my palms. She reaches out to take off my shirt, too, but I gently push her back onto the bed, looking into her eyes as I lean over her. “Let me do this,” I murmur. I want her, all of her, and I want to take it slowly, no matter how desperately my body is screaming at me to take her clothes off, to bury myself inside of her. My dick is throbbing, aching with the need to feel her envelop me, but I ignore it. I want her to remember how good this can be.
I toss her shirt aside and reach for the waist of her leggings, pulling them down over her hips with her panties. I didn’t think I could be any more aroused, but I can feel myself harden even more as I look down at her on the bed, her naked body waiting and willing. I bend down, kissing each of her hipbones as I feel her shiver underneath me, and I slide my mouth lower, suddenly aching to taste her, to feel her writhe and go wild as I make her come. She gasps as my mouth moves between her legs, my tongue sliding over her clit as I tease her with my fingers, and her thighs spread wider, begging for me.
She’s not as vocal as she usually is, but her hips are moving under my hands, her body squirming as I find the spots I know she likes, my tongue swirling over her clit as I slide two fingers into her, stroking her as she whimpers.
It only takes a few minutes before she shudders, her entire body twitching, and although it’s not as wild as she usually is, I think she must have come. She’s making small noises, her head tossing on the pillow as her body squirms under my hands and mouth, and I can’t wait another moment. My cock is aching so badly that I think I might come before I even get inside of her if I wait another moment.
I move up her body, the taste of her still on my lips as I yank off my shirt. I see her eyes fix on my chest as I undo my belt and shove off my jeans, and then I’m pressed up against her, the tip of my dick against her. She’s so wet, the heat of her skin begging to draw me in, and I shudder with the need to feel her around me as I start to push forward, my whole body tense and rigid as I gasp at the first sensation of her lips starting to spread around me.
Her hands press against my chest, her eyes popping open, wide and suddenly frightened. “Kam, stop, please,” she whispers, and although it takes me a minute to register what she’s said, I pull back immediately, moving off of her. I frown, concerned, although I’m so dizzy with lust that I have a hard time thinking of what to say.
“Are you alright?” I whisper, reaching out to touch her hair carefully. “Did I hurt you?”
She shakes her head quickly. “No, you didn’t,” she reassures me. “It’s just the stress of everything…all the changes…I can’t right now. I’m too anxious.”
I can’t be upset with her, but my dick twitches, still hard as a rock. A second ago I was almost inside of her, but it doesn’t seem as if that’s going to be happening tonight.
“Okay,” I tell her gently, climbing awkwardly off of the bed and reaching for my boxers. It’s some effort to get my erection down into them, and I can see Megan watching me with a guilty expression.
“I’m sorry,” she says sadly. “I got you all worked up, and…”
“No,” I say firmly, regaining some of my composure. “No, Megan, you don’t need to apologize. I understand. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through right now.” I touch her face gently, pushing her hair behind her ear. “I’m going to go get my sweatpants and um…cool down a little.” I laugh shortly, glancing down at the still-obvious erection,
and then back at her. “And then I’m going to come back and we can cuddle and go to sleep, alright? Everything is okay, I promise.”
I go into the living room to retrieve my bag that has my clothes and everything else I need in it. I head into the bathroom to change, and sigh as I look down. A five minute shower might fix this. It’s certainly not going to take long. And if I so much as snuggle up against her, I’m going to have a raging hard-on all night, and that’s only going to make her feel worse.
I wonder if this is a new normal, if there will be a lot of nights where Megan has panic attacks in bed, where she’s too afraid of whatever is chasing her and I’m left jerking off in the shower. I feel guilty even thinking it, but I miss what we had. I miss the ease of our relationship, the way she was always happy, the way we came together so effortlessly in bed. Now I’m standing in a strange shower, my hand wrapped around my aching dick as I picture her body under mine and try to remember the feeling of her around me for just a second, the sensation of her wet, heated skin against mine as I hovered on the edge of thrusting into her.
“Fuck,” I moan, the word dragging out as I come in less than the five minutes I allotted myself.
She has her t-shirt and panties back on when I crawl into bed with her in just my sweatpants, reaching out to pull her into my arms. I press my face against her hair and breathe her in, feeling guilty all over again for my momentary frustration a few minutes ago. Even if this is something that happens more often, she’s worth it. This is just life. It’s never going to be perfect. “I’m here,” I tell her softly as she snuggles against me. “So you can sleep just fine tonight, Megan. I’ll be here when you wake up.”
I close my eyes and feel exhaustion wash over me. Whatever else happens, I’m with her again, falling asleep together. This is the way it’s supposed to be. And I’m not letting go of her again.
17
Kam
When I wake up, Megan is gone. My first instinct is that it was all a dream, and then I groggily take in the strange surroundings and remember that I’m in her apartment. My next thought is that she regrets me coming, and is just waiting for me to wake up to tell me this was all a bad idea, and that she wants me to go home.
Just as I’m rubbing the last of the sleep from my eyes, the bedroom door opens and she walks in. I sit up, the sheets sliding down around my hips, and although her face is a study in anxiety, her eyes immediately drift over my half-naked body with clear interest. Well, that’s a good sign.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, my brow creasing as I look at her.
She hesitates. “Um…it was just Blue. His cousin’s wife left him, and he’s having a hard time dealing with it. I guess Blue was over there talking him down and wanted to vent.” She looks as if she wants to say something else, but she doesn’t, just crawls into bed next to me and snuggles up against my chest. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
I give her a kiss on the forehead, frowning. “I feel bad for the guy,” I say thoughtfully. “I know how I felt when you left me. It was like my whole world broke apart.”
“I’m here now,” she whispers, and she leans up, wrapping her arms around my neck as she tugs my mouth down to hers. I hesitate for a second, thinking of the night before, but I’m not about to stop her. Especially after last night, my body is craving hers with an intensity that I haven’t felt for anyone before. I need her…all of her.
I kiss her softly, and then harder, my tongue trailing over her lower lip just before it slides into her mouth, tangling with hers. My hand is on the curve of her waist, pulling her against me, and my dick springs up instantly, hopeful that maybe we’ll get to finish what we started last night. I can feel the blood pounding through my veins, my entire body aching as I slide my hand down to grasp her hip, and as she leans into me and moans softly, my fingers dig into her soft flesh.
The lust washes over me in a wave at the sound of her whimper, and I grasp her, pulling her onto my lap to straddle me. Her legs are on both sides of me, and as she brushes against my erection I groan, my hips jerking up to rub against her. She leans forward, her hands on my face as she kisses me again, and I feel her hips rock purposefully against me, grinding down on the throbbing length of my dick as I gasp, my hands gripping her harder. Her breasts rub against my bare chest through her thin t-shirt, her hips moving more insistently now. I pull her shirt off without a second thought, suddenly needing to see her naked, to fill up my hands with her soft, warm breasts.
“Are you sure?” I whisper as I run my hands through her hair, pulling back a fraction. I desperately want to keep going, but I have to ask. I don’t want to do anything to hurt her. “Last night…”
“I’m sure,” she says decisively, and my cock hardens even more, relief washing over me as she fixes her eyes on mine. She reaches down into my sweatpants, pushing them down as her hand wraps around the length of me, and I groan at the warm touch of her hand squeezing me there. It feels like forever since it’s been anything but my own hand.
I gasp as she angles me upwards, guiding me into her as she sinks down, and I feel momentarily as if I might come then and there, the moment I feel the wet heat of her squeeze around me. I run my hand through her hair, pulling her mouth down hard to mine as I kiss her passionately. Her hips move faster, finding the familiar rhythm, and she moves slowly, as if she wants to make it last. I hope I can hold back long enough for her to get what she wants, I think as she kisses me again, her tongue tangling with mine as she moans against my lips.
She kisses me again and again, her forehead pressed against mine, and I can feel the quiver in her hips, the arch of her back that tells me she’s getting close. She grinds down onto me, moving faster and faster as I thrust up into her, wanting more. I want to keep going forever as she clenches around me, her hand hard on the back of my head as she pulls my mouth tightly to hers. I feel breathless as she pants and moans, her body tightening, and I feel her explode at the same time my dick throbs inside of her, harder than I ever thought possible, and I come with a rush that leaves me dizzy. I hear her moaning, her hips moving wildly atop of me as I thrust up into her hard, seeking every last bit of the blinding pleasure that races over my every nerve, better than anything I’ve ever felt. She’s moaning my name as I spill into her, and I hold her hips tightly down onto me as we convulse together, gasping and breathless.
We collapse onto the bed, and I look over at her, grinning. “That was worth waiting for,” I tell her, laughing softly. “Want to get into the shower again, with me this time?” I frown then, thinking of when I woke up. “Where did you go this morning anyway? Please tell me it was to get breakfast.”
She blinks at me, looking confused. “What? I didn’t go anywhere. I showered and then Blue called.”
I look at her. “I heard you come in from outside, right before you got in the shower. It woke me up.”
Something crosses her face, an expression I don’t understand. “Oh, I just went out onto the balcony,” she says carelessly, but she doesn’t quite meet my eyes. I feel my heart pound for an entirely different reason, but I push the anxiety away. Where would she have gone, anyway? There’s nothing for me to worry about.
She closes her eyes. “Yeah,” she whispers. “A shower sounds good.”
I pause for a minute, waiting for her to look at me or say something else, and when she doesn’t I stand slowly and go to turn on the shower, waiting for her to join me.
She does, after a few minutes. I don’t ask any questions as she steps under the hot water with me, and I try to just enjoy the fact that she’s there, that things seem to be getting back to normal.
As normal as they can be, under the circumstances.
After so long away from her, just seeing her in the shower, naked and soapy and wet, makes me want her again. But I don’t want to push, or make her feel like she has to do anything she doesn’t want to. So we just go through the motions of showering, and afterwards, as I dress, I give her a quick kiss. “I’ll go and get us breakfast.”
>
There’s a coffee shop not far from the apartment that I noticed when I arrived, and I get us two breakfast sandwiches and coffee for both of us. When I make it back up to the apartment she’s just getting off the phone, and she gives me a small smile.
“Thanks for going and doing that,” she says softly, taking a seat at the kitchen bar as I set down the bag of sandwiches and two coffees.
“Of course,” I tell her. I glance at her phone, feeling a little uneasy.
She glances at it a few times as we eat, and I hear it chime as she picks it up again, her calm expression turning to a frown.
“Is everything okay?” I set down my sandwich, some of my appetite leaving. I thought things were getting back to normal, but I’m reminded all over again of how not normal they are. She has an entirely different life she’s been living here in Chicago since she left, one that I don’t know anything about. It makes me think of Alana and the club, and the mysteries she still hasn’t explained.
“Helen moved up my appointment,” she says quickly, setting down her sandwich too. “We’ve got to be there in an hour, is that okay? I know it’s really fast…you just got here…”
“It’s just fine.” I touch her hand reassuringly, for myself as much as for her. “We’ll be there in an hour then, or before.”
Traffic is terrible, and our Uber driver drives like an old lady. We make it there almost exactly on the hour, and as we walk inside I see a pretty brunette woman with a professional air standing there waiting. She glances at me before smiling at Megan. “Megan, let’s talk privately for a moment before we start the joint session, alright? Kam I’ll come back out for you in a moment.”
Anxiety sweeps over me, but I squeeze Megan’s hand, nodding and smiling as I try to reassure her. She follows Helen and the door shuts behind them, leaving me to wait.
