A Case of Some Delicacy

by K C Kahler

  “I find Miss Lucas to be a very pleasant young woman,” said Mr Collins. Lydia remembered how grateful she was to Charlotte for occupying Mr Collins for nearly an hour yesterday.

  “Oh! Yes, but you must own she is very plain. Lady Lucas herself has often said so and envied me Jane’s beauty.” Mrs Bennet looked around the room before adding quickly, “and Lizzy’s wit and Lydia’s vivacity. I do not like to boast of my own children. It is what everybody says.”

  “In this case, I must agree with the commonly accepted estimation of my fair cousins. It is not often that I find such rumours to be not only confirmed but exceeded entirely.” Mr Collins grinned at Jane and Lizzy during this speech but spared a look at each Bennet girl. Lydia wanted no part in such simpering compliments from the prattling parson. Poor Jane!

  “Mr Bingley,” Lydia said, hoping to change the subject, “when you first came into Hertfordshire, you promised to hold a ball here at Netherfield. It would be the most shameful thing in the world if you did not keep your promise.”

  He smiled. “I am perfectly ready, I assure you, to keep my engagement, and when your sister is recovered, you will, if you please, name the very day of the ball. But you would not wish to be dancing while she cannot.”

  “Yes, it would be much better to wait till Lizzy is well, for she does enjoy dancing.” Lydia would feel very guilty indeed if Lizzy missed a ball because of her ankle.

  With one of her goals for this visit accomplished, namely pressing Mr Bingley to give a ball, Lydia decided to concentrate on her second goal. It would be a challenge with Mr Darcy being so taciturn, but Lydia felt she was equal to it.

  * * *

  The Reverend William Collins had much to consider. Choosing the companion of his future life had proved more difficult than he had anticipated. When he arrived at Netherfield to say goodbye, he was determined not to show any sign of particular admiration to Cousin Jane, nothing that could further elevate her with the hope of influencing his felicity. Surely, though such an idea had been suggested previously, his behaviour during the last day must have material weight in confirming or crushing it.

  He thanked heaven he had been constantly interrupted before he could declare himself more formally and that he and Mr Darcy had shared the private conversation about the Grantlys. Today, Mr Collins would display just the right amount of attention to his eldest cousin.

  He had neglected the conversation for too long with his ruminations. At that moment, his cousins were much excited by the prospect of a ball upon Cousin Elizabeth’s full recovery.

  “I shall do my very best to hasten the advent of the ball,” said she, “and in so doing, delight Kitty and Lydia.”

  Mr Collins took this opportunity to show his affectionate concern for his second-eldest cousin. “I hope, as I am sure we all do, that the wait for that happy day will be very short indeed, but you must not risk prolonging your injury by overexerting yourself too soon, dear Cousin.”

  “Yes, Lizzy, you must not rush home,” agreed Mrs Bennet. “Ankle injuries are not to be trifled with.”

  Miss Bingley was ever so gracious in her agreement. “We all anticipate Miss Eliza’s full recovery so that she may return to the well-worn paths around Longbourn.”

  Miss Elizabeth smiled sweetly. “How can I help but heal with such sincere good wishes?”

  Cousin Lydia sounded impatient. “I think it is obvious we all want Lizzy to heal so that she can go for her walks again, and dance at the ball.”

  Miss Elizabeth laughed. She was quite fetching when she did. “Thank you, Lydia, for so succinctly summarising a good five minutes’ worth of conversation. Let us speak of my injury no more, please. It is hardly proper to give such undivided attention to my ankle.”

  Mr Collins did not know whether to disapprove of her impertinence or be charmed by it. Mr Darcy suddenly rose from his chair and stood by the window. So, disapproval must ultimately be the correct reaction, though most everyone else seemed to be charmed.

  “Does it still rain, Mr Darcy?” Cousin Lydia asked.

  He did not turn towards the room when he answered, “Yes, very lightly.”

  She seemed not to care one way or the other, for she was already on to a new topic. “Will you dance more at your friend’s ball than you did at the assembly?”

  “He could not dance any less,” said Cousin Catherine.

  “Oh, he most certainly could,” warned Miss Elizabeth. “He could turn his ankle.”

  Mr Bingley laughed. “Now we must spend a good five minutes discussing Darcy’s ankles. Excellent!”

  Mr Collins resented that the nephew of Lady Catherine should be teased in such a disrespectful manner. “Mr Darcy, if you have any letters for Lady Catherine or Miss de Bourgh, I would happily convey them to Kent.”

  He still faced the window. “I thank you, Mr Collins, but at present I have no letters to send to Rosings.”

  “Darcy labours over his letters for days and days. He studies too much for words of four syllables. Do you not, Darcy?”

  Mr Collins decided to intervene again. “A man of undoubtedly profound thoughts does himself credit when he expresses them as clearly and eloquently as possible. I spend many hours composing and refining my sermons.”

  “Mustn’t you deliver a sermon in just two days’ time?” asked Miss Elizabeth.

  “Indeed, I must.”

  “And has its quality not suffered due to your stay with us? We must not keep you from your important work any longer.”

  “I thank you for your affectionate concern, dear lady. Although my cousins offered manifold distractions over the course of my visit, Mr Bennet will attest that I did not escape my duties entirely while in Hertfordshire. I toiled in Longbourn’s library. I even shared parts of tomorrow’s sermon with Cousin Mary and Miss Lucas and found their insights most enlightening.”

  “Charlotte always offers the most practical advice. And Mary’s knowledge of religious texts is unsurpassed. I daresay you could not have consulted any two better ladies in Hertfordshire.”

  “I shall not disagree with you, Cousin Elizabeth. Would that I always had such a resource to rely on when in need of inspiration. Of course Lady Catherine often offers her insightful recommendations.” Mr Collins congratulated himself for seizing every opportunity to compliment his patroness in front of her nephew.

  “Mama, mustn’t we leave now to visit Aunt Philips?” asked Cousin Catherine.

  Mrs Bennet agreed with regret. “Unfortunately, we must take our leave of you all. We plan to make several calls in the course of the afternoon so Mr Collins can bid farewell to all his friends.”

  The carriage was called, and Mr Collins used the resulting commotion to bid farewell in turn to Mr Bingley, Miss Bingley, Mrs Hurst, Mr Hurst, and finally, Mr Darcy.

  The gentleman replied with much solemnity. “Mr Collins, when my aunt expressed the sort of man she required to fill the position of parson at Hunsford, I doubted she should ever find him. But now, after having made your acquaintance, all my scepticism is overthrown.”

  “I thank you for your fulsome estimation of my qualities. It is my solemn vow to continue serving your esteemed aunt to the very best of my abilities.”

  “I am glad to hear it. Lady Catherine is perhaps a demanding patroness, but you can be assured of the rectitude of her opinions.” He bowed to Mr Collins. “Please give my regards to my aunt. I know your eloquence will do them justice.” Mr Collins bowed low in response, avowing to express Mr Darcy’s regards admirably, but when he rose from his bow, the gentleman had already retreated back to the window.

  Mr Collins approached his two eldest cousins, who were engaged in animated conversation with their sisters. He cleared his throat, and the many voices in the room quieted.

  “And now my dear cousins, I cannot express how much I have enjoyed our time together over these last weeks. I thank you both for your many kindnesses and your many attentions during the course of my visit. It is an honour and a delight, not only to know
you both, but to claim a family connexion to you. I consider myself most privileged indeed.”

  Mr Collins was struck again by the classic beauty of Miss Bennet, who rose and replied first. “Mr Collins, you are too kind. You are to be commended for taking the initiative to end the estrangement between our families. We wish you a very pleasant journey home.” She reached her hand out to him, and he took the liberty of kissing the back of her fingers as he thanked her for her sentiments.

  He turned to Miss Elizabeth, who was, by necessity, still seated. “Dear Cousin Elizabeth, I am particularly grieved to be leaving you in such a state, when I know you to be so active a young lady. But, alas, my duties call me away.”

  “Believe me, Mr Collins, we all appreciate that your duties call you away from us.” Her generous smile distracted him from the sudden bout of coughing suffered by one of his younger cousins.

  “You are gracious indeed. But I leave with comfort in my firm belief that the next time I see you, you will be restored to perfect health.” He reached for her hand, which she offered, and he kissed it.

  “I…thank you, Mr Collins. A safe journey to you, sir.” She looked past him. “Mary, please give my regards to Charlotte. It seems like ages since I’ve seen her.”

  The visitors congregated at the door except for Cousin Lydia, who lingered near the window, behind Mr Darcy.

  Miss Catherine exhaled audibly. “Come along, Lydia! I wish to have as much time as possible with Aunt Philips.”

  Miss Lydia trudged across the room. “Be quiet, Kitty!”

  At the door, Mr Collins turned and bowed one last time to the assemblage in the drawing room. When he boarded the carriage, his two youngest cousins were arguing.

  “I told you he was dull,” Miss Catherine said.

  Cousin Lydia defended Mr Darcy once again, this time with a pout. “How could anyone get a word in with all this talk of ankles and sermons?”

  After a long visit with Mrs Philips to hear all the comings and goings of the militia’s officers, the party boarded the carriage again to visit Lucas Lodge.

  “Now, girls, we cannot make such a lengthy call at the Lucases’ as we did at the Philipses’. We must not linger too near to dinner. Mr Collins, I caution you not to be drawn into a long conversation with Charlotte Lucas, as you often are.”

  “Have no fear. I shall only briefly thank Miss Lucas for her very pleasing company over the course of my visit.”

  And so he did. Miss Lucas returned the compliment courteously, as usual. Yes, Miss Lucas was indeed a very pleasant young lady. But for the watchful eye of Mrs Bennet, Mr Collins would have kissed her hand when they parted.

  Back at Longbourn, Mr Collins looked about the room he had occupied for nearly three weeks to make sure he had not forgotten anything while packing. His trunk sat at the foot of the bed, ready to be hauled to the carriage. But first, he must speak with Mrs Bennet.

  He found her in the sitting room with his youngest cousins, who excused themselves soon after he entered the room.

  Mrs Bennet motioned for him to sit near her. “Mr Collins, your visit has flown by. We are very sorry to see you go.”

  “My dear Mrs Bennet, I am sorry to be leaving the bosom of my family after being so graciously welcomed back into it. Truly, madam, I am inexpressibly overjoyed by not only our reconciliation, but also by the kind reception given to me by you, your husband, and your lovely daughters. It is my greatest hope that this visit is only the propitious beginning to a deep and permanent bond between us.” Mr Collins had rehearsed this speech earlier in his room, and he must admit, he delivered it splendidly.

  Mrs Bennet seemed to agree. “If it were so, we would be most honoured, my dear Mr Collins. Pray, do not forget your new friends when you return to Kent. You simply must come visit us again. All my girls desire it—especially Jane.”

  Mr Collins decided not to address the issue of Miss Bennet at this time. He needed to come to some decisions before he could remark on any one of his fair cousins specifically. But he was gratified that the desired invitation was so easily procured. “It is my fondest wish to return to you all very soon if you will have me.”

  “Have you? Why of course we shall have you, Mr Collins!” cried Mrs Bennet. Then she placed her hand on his arm as she spoke in a low voice. “Let me assure you, you are always welcome—just as soon as you are able to return, please do so. If it pleases you, I shall write to you when Mr Bingley sets the date for his ball, that you may come and dance with my girls again.”

  “Oh, dear madam, you do me great honour. Indeed, if it is at all possible, I shall come to you again for Mr Bingley’s ball.”

  She could barely contain her excitement. “Excellent! Now, let us not spoil the surprise for the girls by mentioning this to them. I would not want to get their hopes up if we do not succeed. I shall reveal our happy scheme just before you arrive. My girls will be astounded—what a good joke! It is just the sort of thing that Mr Bennet would do, but now I shall be the one with the surprise! Do remember, however, if you cannot come for the ball, you are very welcome another time, sir.”

  With their plans settled and the carriage ready, Mrs Bennet ordered that Mr Collins’s trunk be loaded. Mr Bennet and the three girls gathered at the front door to bid him farewell. Mrs Bennet—with a wink to Mr Collins—said how happy they should be to see him at Longbourn again. He knew that the ruse must be performed now.

  “My dear Madam,” he replied, “this invitation is particularly gratifying because I unquestionably wish to continue our relationship now that I know the pleasure of intimacy with my Longbourn family. I most certainly shall be very grateful to accept your hospitality again in the near future.”

  “But is there not danger of Lady Catherine’s disapprobation, my good sir?” asked Mr Bennet. “You had better neglect your relations than run the risk of offending your patroness.”

  “My dear sir,” replied Mr Collins, “I am particularly obliged to you for this friendly caution, and you may depend upon my not taking so material a step without her ladyship’s concurrence.”

  “You cannot be too much on your guard. Risk anything rather than her displeasure. If you find it likely to be raised by your coming to us again, stay quietly at home, and be satisfied that we shall take no offence.”

  “Believe me, my gratitude is warmly excited by such affectionate attention. As for my fair cousins, although my absence may not be long enough to render it necessary, I shall now take the liberty of wishing them health and happiness, not excepting Miss Elizabeth and Miss Bennet.”

  Mr Collins boarded the carriage then and was on his way back to Kent. The rocking of the carriage made him sleepy, and he settled himself in more comfortably. He had much to think about. He surmised he had perhaps three or four weeks in which to reach some decision, when he might return to Hertfordshire for the ball. He could not explicitly ask Lady Catherine for her advice because he was not to mention what Mr Darcy had divulged privately. But he could ask her which qualities were to be most valued in a parson’s wife. He must compose his query carefully before he broached the subject with her. And he would do so, just after he took a bit of a nap.

  Charlotte Lucas simply had to speak to Elizabeth. They had barely had any private conversations over the last fortnight. Mr Collins’s visit had kept them very busy. But this was precisely why she must speak with Lizzy. Charlotte was always most observant of people’s tone, in how they spoke, and what their expressions revealed. The last two times she had seen Mr Collins, she observed some notable differences in his behaviour and manner of address.

  Based on her observations and discussions with the parson, Charlotte believed something had occurred to drastically alter his intentions towards Jane Bennet. Yet Mrs Bennet still seemed unaware of any change in the parson’s preferences, and Mr Collins did not appear offended, so clearly, Jane had not refused him. Charlotte expected a large, public debacle—it could hardly be avoided considering Mrs Bennet’s disposition. She had been prepared to ta
ke advantage of said debacle by finally putting her own plans into effect. But Mr Collins had gone back to Kent without proposing to anyone. How had Lizzy done it?

  Charlotte decided a trip to Netherfield was necessary to see Elizabeth and Jane. Her parents had the carriage for the day. Walking the two and a half miles would be no problem, but she could not go alone. Maria was off visiting Longbourn, eager to see her friends without Mr Collins’s stifling presence. John was not expected for another few weeks. Only Walter and Peter, her rambunctious young brothers, remained. Charlotte would have to bribe them with the promise of some treats purchased in Meryton, not only to walk with her but also to behave while at Netherfield.

  The three of them set off in high spirits. Walter and Peter ran ahead or lagged behind, depending on what silly game they were playing. Charlotte kept a moderate pace and carefully avoided the muddy areas. Her brothers, however, soon outstripped her. They waited for her in the last field, with the house in view. Peter’s trousers were spattered in mud up to his knees, and Walter’s were scarcely any better.

  She exclaimed, “Did you purposely jump into all the puddles!?”

  “No, but it was hard to avoid them,” Walter said.

  “I avoided the mud well enough. You cannot go into Netherfield looking like that!”

  “You walk at a snail’s pace. And we don’t care to go in anyway. We will wait outside for you.”

  Charlotte threw up her hands. “Just make sure you stay within sight of the front door. I do not want to search for you when it is time to leave.”

  She reached the door soon after leaving her muddy brothers. The footman asked her to follow him to the sitting room, where he announced her. Charlotte did not see Jane or Lizzy—only the Bingley siblings were present.

  Mr Bingley greeted her first. “Miss Lucas, what a delightful surprise!”

  The usual niceties followed. Charlotte felt she should at least make some polite conversation with the mistress of the house before asking to see Elizabeth. Of course, with Mr Bingley’s help, polite conversation was a very easy task. He mentioned Lizzy, and Charlotte had her opening.