Heart and Soul

by Erica Penrod

  “So, what’s up?” Gracie grinned at me. Her auburn hair was piled on top of her head in a messy bun and her hazel eyes glowed in the amber light.

  “I needed to talk to you about something, and I wanted to do it in person.” My heart raced, and my stomach turned. I reached up and rubbed my cool and clammy forehead.

  “I know.” She bumped me with her shoulder and smiled.

  “You know what?” I panicked, worried I was about to lose my best friend.

  “I know what you’re here to say.”

  “You do?” Confusion joined my hodgepodge of emotions.

  “You’re in love with Landon, and you’re sorry because I’m your best friend and you would never do anything to hurt me.”

  “How did you—”

  “I’m a little clumsy, but not blind.” She giggled.

  “I’m so sorry, Gracie.” I shook my head. “I didn’t mean for this to happen, and I had to tell you how I felt. I want you to know I would never do anything to come between you and Landon. You’re so good for him.” A rock landed in my gut. “I’m sorry if I hurt you, but I had to tell you the truth. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t, and maybe now I can move on.”

  “No, you can’t.” Gracie wrapped her arm around me. “Because Landon loves you, too.”

  I sat up. “What? No.”

  “I’ve wondered for a little while, because while we’ve held hands and had lots of fun together, he’s never kissed me.”

  “He hasn’t?” There was too much happiness in my voice.

  “No, and then I noticed the way he looks at you. The way he tries to pretend he doesn’t know where you are every second you’re around him. He’s never looked at me like that.”

  Tears fell down my cheeks. “I’m so sorry, Gracie.”

  “Please don’t be. Sometimes love chooses you.”

  “But—”

  “No. And for the record, Landon came over yesterday morning and apologized for how he felt. He hoped I could forgive him, and I told him he was in love with my best friend and no apology was needed. Your happiness is my happiness.”

  “Oh, Gracie.” I hugged her. “You really are the best.”

  “I know.” She pulled back. “But one thing I can’t figure out, and maybe it’s that old saying love at first sight is true, but you and Landon haven’t known each other very long, and yet even I can feel the connection between you two, like you’ve known each other forever. How is that possible?”

  My heart was so full, I thought it would burst and I would die before I got to tell Landon how I felt. “Would you believe me if I said I dreamed him to me?”

  She laughed that infectious laugh that saved me more times than I could count. “Well, they say dreams do come true.”

  19

  Landon

  After I made it back to the barn from the foothills, I put the horse up and drove around for hours. My mind was a jumbled mess, and the anger I hadn’t noticed lately suddenly became obvious. What was the point of the dreams? Laney was gone, and Halle wanted nothing to do with me.

  I got home while my parents were gone, and I left a note that said I’d gone to bed, hoping they’d take the hint and leave me alone. Twilight filtered through the blinds in my room, and I closed them, wanting to drown in the darkness. I was so tired of fighting. Every day had been a struggle since Laney died, and just when I thought I’d found a reason to go on, she was ripped away from me too. And for the second time in my life that I could remember, I let myself cry.

  A bright light illuminated the backs of my eyelids, and the feel of warm sunshine on my skin caused me to stir. I sat up in the field where I’d seen Halle. My heart jumped at the possibility, and then hit my chest wall when I remembered she didn’t want me to love her. Maybe here, in this place, she chose me once, but not where it really mattered. Not where I would wake and wander through my life wanting her.

  I rested my arms on my knees and hung my head. This was no longer where I wanted to be. If I couldn’t have Halle, then I’d rather not dream.

  “Oh, quit feeling sorry for yourself.”

  My head snapped back, and I turned towards the familiar voice. “Laney?”

  My sister stood a few feet away with the sunlight falling all around her like a halo. She looked the same, but older, or maybe just wiser. Her long black hair hung over her shoulders and her radiant blue eyes sparkled back at me.

  I leaped up and pulled her into my arms. My heart knew her heart and immediately kept pace to her rhythm. A wholeness I hadn’t felt since she’d died encompassed me. She stitched up all the broken parts just by being. “I miss you so much.”

  “Me too.” She ruffled the back of my hair. “You’ve gotten taller.”

  I didn’t realize I hadn’t ever taken a full breath since she’d left me, other than when Halle was here in my arms. I gulped in the oxygen, fueling my mind and body, like I’d been starving since the day of her accident. “What is this place? What’s going on?” A twitch of uncertainty crept into my mind. I saw her so briefly in my last dream, there’d been no time for questions.

  “This is your heaven.” She grinned, and her white teeth contrasted with her dark complexion. “At least, it was when Halle was here.”

  My voice caught in my throat. I’d forgotten that Halle had dreamt of Laney first. “You saw Halle.”

  “Of course.” She gave me a playful punch to the shoulder. I guess some things never change. “I’m the one who pointed her in your direction. You would eventually find each other on your own, but the way you’ve been moping around for over a year now, I figured I’d give you both a little nudge.”

  “You try being the one left behind and see how you do.” I crossed my arms, amazed that my angelic sister still brought the devil out in me.

  Laney put her hands on her hips. “Well, I know one thing. I wouldn’t have kissed every guy I met like you did with your long string of girls. Geez, you went through girlfriends so fast I almost got whiplash trying to keep up.” She rubbed her neck in exaggerated motions.

  I rolled my eyes. “There wasn’t that many.”

  “Um, yeah, there were, but that’s done now. Now you know about Halle.”

  “Know what about Halle? That the only place she ever wanted to be with me was here, in this delusional space in my head? And now I don’t even have that.”

  “You’ve gotten really dramatic in your old age.” Laney laughed. “And you’re not delusional. Yes, this is a dream, but that doesn’t mean it’s not real. Sometimes it’s the only way to get someone’s attention.” She poked me in the chest. “Like you, for instance. I had to catch you in between make-out sessions.”

  “Okay, so you caught me, but what about Halle? Why let me be with her here and then torture me when I wake up and can’t have her?”

  “That’s what I came to tell you.”

  “Tell me what?”

  Laney let out a puff of air. “Geez, you’re impatient.”

  “Yeah—”

  “Let me finish. The good news is that when you wake up, your dream will be your reality, if you have the guts to go after her.”

  “I already told you, Halle doesn’t want to be with me.”

  “Sorry, but you’re perfectly wrong. Halle is the one praying for you.”

  “What does that mean?”

  Laney slugged me in the arm again. “It means she’s in love with you and she wants you in her life.”

  “Oh.”

  “‘Oh’ is right.” Laney giggled. “So, you better wake up.”

  “Yeah?” I gave her a big toothy smile.

  “Yeah, and one other thing.” Laney wrapped her arms around me and held me tight. “Remember that I love you and I need you to be happy or else I can’t be completely at peace here.”

  I nodded, my emotions choking out the words.

  “It’s time to wake up, little brother …”

  I woke up, my body completely relaxed and my heart beating steadily. Laney’s sweet face and the m
emory of the things she’d told me still buoyed me up, keeping me afloat from all the fears that waited to pull me under now that she was gone. But she wasn’t really gone, just ahead of me like usual, and one day I’d be with her again. Until then, I knew she was with me, watching over me and loving me from afar, ready to show up and pop me in the shoulder anytime she needed to.

  And then there was Halle. I wanted to believe Laney, to trust her, and make my own happiness. But I was scared. Rejection wasn’t something I’d ever handled well, and after yesterday, when Halle left me alone in the hills, my pride was bruised. I ran my fingers through my hair and closed my eyes, feeling Laney’s strength seep into my own. This wasn’t about pride and selfishness. This was about love and patience, and if Halle wasn’t ready yet, if she needed time to figure out that we were meant to be, that would be fine with me. I would wait for her, no matter how long.

  I sat up, no longer a victim of circumstance, but the pursuer of my own fate. I wanted to be a force for good, no longer a lead weight holding my family back, and I understood what I had to do. A warm sensation wrapped around me and I knew that feeling was Laney, whispering that I was right.

  A smile spread across my face as I jumped out of bed. I had to see my parents. I had to tell them that everything was okay, that Laney was happy and she loved us, and that the time had come for us all to start living—and loving—again.

  20

  Halle

  Monday morning, I planned to find Landon before school started, tell him how I felt, and pray he’d listen after the way I’d treated him Saturday. I pulled into the parking lot, and tears stung my eyes when his usual spot was empty. Quit it. I dabbed at the drops ready to ruin my mascara. Last night, I’d imagined this scenario a hundred times, and none of them included me with black streaks running down my cheeks. I checked my phone again. There were still five minutes before the first bell. I texted my friends and said I’d catch up with them later. I leaned my head back and took in a deep breath while I waited.

  He never showed up, and fifteen minutes after the second bell, I went into the school. I tried to text him but got no response. Maybe he got a ride with someone else and was already in class. By the end of first period I hoped to catch him in the hallway, pull him aside, and confess right there in the middle of the school if I had to. But I didn’t see him, and after asking around, I found out he’d hadn’t shown up to school. His friends and my friends texted him, but he didn’t answer.

  I don’t know why I finished the school day out; my mind was a mess and I couldn’t focus on anything other than Landon. I had to find him. Even if he didn’t forgive me, I had to try. He had to know how I felt, and what he did after that would be up to him. If he chose to be with me or walk away, then I’d have to accept his decision, but at least I’d know I’d done everything I could.

  Finally, the last bell of the day rang, and I ran out the doors, got in my truck, and flew to Landon’s house. I bolted up the walk, knocked on the door, put my hands on my hips, and tried to catch my breath.

  The door opened. “Hey, Halle.” Nikki stood there. Her eyes were red-rimmed but bright with what I hoped was happiness, because of the big smile on her face. “I assume you’re here for Landon.”

  “Uh … yeah.” I tried to look past her shoulder to see if he was there.

  “He’s not here.”

  My chest deflated, and I sighed. “Oh, okay. Do you know when he’ll be back?” Maybe this was all a sign that maybe things between Landon and I were over before they’d even begun.

  “Well, that depends.” There was a twinkle in her eyes and I realized I’d never seen this Nikki before. She looked like she’d been crying, but she wasn’t sad, and there was an airiness about her that made her even more beautiful, and I hadn’t thought that possible.

  “Okay?” I wasn’t sure if I should press for more information.

  “He went looking for you, and so I guess depending on what happens when he finds you determines how soon he’ll be home.”

  Wait, what?

  Nikki stepped out and hugged me. “He was headed to the barn. He thought you’d be there after school. So, you better get going if you want to catch him.”

  “Yeah, I will.” I brushed my hair back from my face. “Thanks.”

  Nikki leaned against the doorway. “My pleasure.”

  Landon

  Halle wasn’t at the barn and I thought about responding to her text from earlier today, but that didn’t feel right. If heaven and my own guardian angel were rooting for us, fate had to bring us together. I hopped back in my truck and headed down the road. I’d take the fork at the next bend and try her house. Dust flew behind me as I raced down the dirt, silently praying I’d find her there.

  I must’ve closed my eyes, because when I looked up, the sunlight temporarily blinded me and then I saw a vehicle headed straight for me. I slammed on my brakes, but we were both going so fast. This wasn’t how this was supposed to happen. My tires locked up and I fishtailed to a stop, missing the oncoming truck that skidded off the side of the road.

  Halle.

  I yanked off my seat belt, jerked open the door, and ran. With the sun’s reflection off the windshield, I couldn’t see her. Please, please, please, I prayed as my boots slid in the gravel. Let her be okay. I rounded the front of her truck when her door opened, and she stepped out with a big grin on her face.

  Thank you, God.

  “You’re really good at playing chicken. For a minute there, I didn’t think you were going to stop.”

  “Chicken?” The air left my lungs and I had to put my hands on my knees.

  “Hey, are you okay?”

  “You thought I was playing chicken with you?” Anger filled my belly. She was so precious to me. “Why on earth would I do that?”

  Her face paled and she stepped back. “You were headed right towards me and you were flying. I just figured that’s what you were doing when you saw it was me.” Her voice was timid and unsure. “I wouldn’t have let anything happen.”

  “I didn’t see it was you.” I sucked in the air, reliving the nightmare. “That was stupid. Why would you think I would ever do something like that?”

  “I … I … just thought you were joking around.” Tears filled her eyes.

  Yeah, this was not the big romantic gesture I had in mind for when I tracked Halle down and told her that I loved her no matter what, and that I’d wait for her no matter how long it took.

  “I’m sorry. You just scared me, and anger’s my first reaction. That’s probably something you should know about me.” I grinned, took a step toward her, and wiped the tears sliding down her face. She didn’t move away, just leaned into my hand, and I thought my heart might explode. This was what I’d dreamt about, touching her on this side of the night. “And you should also know that I will never do anything that might put you in harm’s way. Not when I just found you, and I don’t plan on ever losing you. Look, I know you might not feel that way about me, but—”

  Halle put her finger on my lips. “Ssshhh.” Her full lips puckered, and my mouth went dry as I stared at her mouth. “Be quiet,” she whispered, and I swallowed the lump in my throat, very aware of how close our faces were. I could lean forward and touch our foreheads just like the last time. “I’ve got something to say.” Halle’s eyes burned into mine. I watched the movement of her lips as she pronounced each word, and with each syllable, I remembered the taste of her mouth on mine. “Focus.”

  I blinked and nodded.

  “First, I want to say how sorry I am about how I treated you Saturday and—”

  “It’s alright—”

  “Shush. And no, it’s not.” Her brows rose and her eyes narrowed.

  I thought I heard Laney laughing in the background. What was it with me and these bossy girls? First my twin and now the girl I would love for the rest of my life and beyond.

  “I talked to Gracie and she told me what you said to her.” Her tone softened as she reached for my hand. “And I
hope you meant the part where you told her you were in love with me—like, here and now, in this place and with our eyes open. Because I want to be with you. I knew I loved you the moment I saw you in the dream, but I didn’t know if what happened between us there meant the same down here. And at first I didn’t know if you were the same person or if I was just crazy.” She paused as if the images of the last month were passing before her.

  I squeezed her hand, then pulled her close. She put her arms around my neck and I wrapped mine around her waist. Our foreheads touched as we savored the moment. Her sweet vanilla scent and the feel of her heart beating so close to mine made me forget about all the words. There was plenty of time for that. What mattered was that she was here, this beautiful girl who rescued me and gave me a reason to live again, in my arms, and I would never let her go.

  I leaned in and pressed my lips to hers, desperately trying to convey the love I felt for her. When she responded with fervor, I smiled, interrupting the kiss and that’s when she put her hands in my hair and pulled me to her. She kissed me so hard I thought the world had ended, and in a way, mine had and a new one was created where she was the sun and I’d follow her anywhere.

  Halle eased back. “I’ve just got one question.”

  “Yeah?” I didn’t take my eyes off her mouth. I wanted to quit this talking stuff and get back to the kissing.

  “Since I’m in love with you, and I’m assuming you’re in love with me—even though you haven’t exactly told me yet, but after that kiss, I’m thinking you are …” She scrunched up her nose and grinned. “Does that mean I won’t catch you in the hallway at school making out with another girl?”

  I rolled my eyes and smiled. “Very funny.” I scooped her up and twirled her around, her laugh floating in the air all around us. Just what had I gotten myself into with this girl? I didn’t know for sure, but what I did know was that I’d spend forever figuring it out.