Working with Bitches

by Meredith Fuller

  •She has temper tantrums and gets angry and nasty if things are not going her way.

  •She is known for her swift wordplay—often snide remarks and put-downs at others’ expense.

  •She uses intellectualization as her defense and is expert at distancing you.

  •She is likely to be dogmatic, which can wear you down—she will only understand what she chooses to.

  •She will not register your existence unless you are useful to her—everything is about her and her needs.

  When the camera is produced, the Narcissist bitch makes grand gestures, offers big, aren’t-I-fabulous smiles, drapes herself slightly in front of you while turning her body away from you—she is projecting all her charm toward the camera, leaving you in her shadow. By thrusting her posture up and in front of you, she is implying that you are small and insignificant. You have been completely outgunned in the glam department.

  You will notice how the Narcissist seems to repeat herself, telling everyone the same old stories, stories that usually place her in a good light. She’ll mention all the positive comments she has received from significant people in the organization, over and over again. She never worries about the repetition, hogging the talk space, or boring anyone.

  The following stories are situations experienced by real women in the workforce. Read them to see if you can recognize elements of your own situation and to help identify whether the mean girl in your workplace is a Narcissist.

  Zoe, 50, Public Relations

  I changed careers in my forties, after many years in a senior position in another profession. I recognized that I wanted a total change and took a salary cut to get a break into my chosen field in public relations. I’d done a course part-time in preparation for the change. One woman gave me my lucky break, and we got on really well while I was learning the ropes. Because I was new and inexperienced in the industry, she was the teacher. I was impressed by her career achievements, and she regaled me with great stories of people she’d worked with, events she had orchestrated, feedback she’d had. There were so many stories, it took a few months before I noticed she was recycling them.

  I was a quick learner with many transferable skills, including strong interpersonal skills. I was good with people and knew how to get the best from others. I started to ask questions, especially of helpful colleagues. They started to set me straight on a few things, pointing out that many of her methods were out of date. Thinking I was being helpful, I’d tell her about the new systems, many of which were technology related. I was taken aback at her reaction. She was furious and saw me as challenging her authority. It took me a while to realize that she had begun to cut me off from any direct contact with my colleagues, saying, “You must run everything through me. I make the decisions on how we operate.” This ended up being very labor-intensive and held processes up no end. It was frustrating for everyone I worked with.

  Every few months, we’d go through a good phase. I would obviously be useful to her, so she’d pull her head in and behave well for a while until she got what she wanted. I would never be given credit for any of our department’s achievements—it was the old cliché of everything good was her doing, and if things went wrong, it was all my fault. I was aghast at some of the things she said about me to other people, but in many ways it was no surprise, because she frequently entertained us with character assassinations of other people. There’s no doubt she was clever, but so much of her energy went into the creation of her persona that she had very little left for doing any work. Although according to her, she worked harder than anyone else!

  I got out eventually. I hadn’t realized the physical and mental toll that work was having on me—I was paying a hefty price for the “privilege” of working with her.

  Zoe worked with a Narcissist who expected her to be a devoted audience, an appreciative handmaiden with no needs of her own. When Zoe made it clear that she was a subject, not an object (a person who was not placed on the earth purely to admire the Narcissist), the other woman was furious. Zoe also inadvertently reminded her that the Narcissist wasn’t omniscient, by revealing the gaps in her current knowledge. When the Narcissist is challenged to behave like a human being instead of an opera star, she screams, “Off with her head” and attempts to belittle or humiliate. Incapable of wishing good for anyone other than herself, the Narcissist seeks to punish by blocking and dismissing the other person as being inconsequential. Zoe’s escape was fortunate.

  Sandy, 37, Community College Administration

  The manager generally fluffed around, taking time off during work hours to get her nails, face, or hair done, yet insisted that she was worked to the bone and had trouble doing all that was required (no wonder!).

  She played favorites, asking certain people, and not others, to her home for parties. We always knew who was on the outs. Sometimes there were extended lunches during work hours, and those of us left behind were expected to cover for them and field phone calls.

  The manager would turn up in the office at the correct time in the morning, would borrow a work car to trek to the other campuses, and then would return to the office to knock off at the correct time. Everyone else was expected to start at the farthest campus at the correct start time. It just seemed a scummy way to have a shorter working day.

  I got involved when I realized one of the male counselors was making inappropriate comments to young females. I raised my concern, which was dismissed as, “That’s just his way; he doesn’t mean anything by it.”

  As it turned out, a number of inappropriate incidents of a sexual nature had been covered up years before. The counselor had been quietly moved elsewhere, was moved again, and eventually ended up where I was working. By this stage, a staff member at my workplace had lodged a sexual-harassment complaint. My manager totally shunned her and insisted that the counselor was just misunderstood, blah, blah, blah. It turned out that for years at this workplace, there had been complaints that the manager had not passed on, and she belittled those making the complaints.

  I made a report to HR and was very well supported. They followed up with the counselor, and after a lengthy investigation, he was quietly paid to leave (Paid? Crap!).

  The manager gave the cold shoulder to those of us who she knew had talked to HR. She maintained a very unpleasant us-versus-them situation between those who had been to HR and those who had been loyal to the manager, even though some told me they knew that the counselor shouldn’t be left alone with young women.

  She looked so good on paper, her qualifications were extensive, and she could talk the talk very slickly. All was not as it seemed—she had a total lack of insight into her own behavior and its effect on her team and did not provide a safe environment for clients.

  Sandy’s manager displayed mainly narcissistic tendencies, but she also exhibited excluding, screaming, and incompetent behaviors.

  Carol, 25, Public Service

  I worked with a sensitive, vain woman who demanded regular compliments about her appearance. She constantly asked me what I thought of her haircut, her shoes, her manicure, or anything else pertaining to her appearance. She would then critique me and mutter under her breath how disgusting it was for me to wear a short-sleeved business shirt in summer.

  Judith, 50, Manager

  In my first week, I was ordered by the CEO in no uncertain terms to fire two staff: “Go on, get them out!” She favored slightly incompetent men over competent women. There were constant contradictions in her behavior. She’d sidle up to me with a faux buddy-buddy attitude, wanting to know, “How’s X doing? Have Y and Z copy me into their e-mails.” This wasn’t for support; she’d analyze the e-mails and call me to account about how I managed my staff. She seemed furious that the staff liked me.

  She blew hot and cold. One meeting, she’d sit there saying nothing, then at others, she’d chat about her latest lunch with so-and-so and provide way too much information about her private world. No consistency in her behavior, and nothing you could trust
.

  The more I achieved, the more the CEO hated it. She pushed me into a formula where I did shine, then resented it. The CEO didn’t want me to have the office they’d refurbished—despite my choosing all the decorating and getting staff consensus. There was one perfect office but the air-conditioning was too noisy, and I asked if it could be shifted. The answer was no, and the room stayed vacant. She put me in a broom cupboard away from my staff. Later, she had the AC removed and handed the office to a colleague who didn’t need to be located close to my staff.

  I was in this dispiriting little room—a definite putdown—and it was hard to manage my staff from such a distance. The CEO flew interstate and overseas a lot, but refused to tell me where she was; it was hard fielding e-mails and calls looking for her when I had no idea whether she was simply at lunch or out of the country.

  One receptionist, a troll who couldn’t even transfer phone calls, was loyal to her. But she guarded the Beast’s door, desk, and life and was a terrific spy. She could swivel her head toward the stairway and take note of who went where. I’d had a strange job interview—this should have tipped me off. There were three interviewers, but the CEO remained silent. If I couldn’t connect with her in the interview, I should have realized I couldn’t in the job. She hunted for your Achilles’ heel and pressed your buttons.

  How Does the Narcissist Make You Feel?

  She acts exploitative, vain, inauthentic, self-absorbed, imperious, charming or derisory, ingratiating or dismissive (depending on whether you are useful or not at the time), opportunistic, and vindictive and is attention seeking.

  You feel exploited, hurt, patronized, belittled, ignored, unattractive in her image-conscious eyes, inconsequential, boring, or lackluster. You’re grateful for crumbs that fall your way, as you alternate with rage and resentment. You feel like an extra on a movie set.

  Physically, you feel floppy like a jellyfish, weak and unable to move.

  Why Does the Narcissist Behave Like This?

  Narcissism appears to be our contemporary malaise. Increasingly we are bombarded by images of perfection in the media, and some women seek to project those ideals onto themselves. Most theories suggest that relentless self-promotion masks a poor self-image and that the origins of the behavior can probably be found in childhood. We usually don’t know much at all about the background of the people we work with; nor do we need to know. When you work with Narcissists, it’s worth remembering that they need to hear how good they are to reinforce their own story, so paying them a little attention will probably get them off your back faster than if you ignore them.

  1. She Fears Being Ordinary

  At some level, the Narcissist fears that she might be just like you—an ordinary woman who turns up to work and has a job to do. Rather than looking inward and reflecting on her behavior, she projects outward. She must put you down so she can feel superior.

  2. She Has Low Self-Esteem

  While it might not look like it from the outside, her need to be revered and held in high regard is the result of having a poor self-image. She doesn’t mind telling anyone and everyone about her great achievements over and over again—she believes it is reinforcing the listener’s view of her as fabulous. Her superiority is a cover-up for how inferior she actually feels.

  3. She Was the Center of Her Parents’ Universe and Expects to Be the Center of Yours

  The Narcissist was often excessively praised and treated as special when she was a child. She might have been spoilt rotten, her parents getting great pleasure out of their daughter’s achievements, building those achievements up beyond their actual worth. Without discipline and with a false sense of her own importance, the Narcissist goes through life expecting special treatment without delivering much that is deserving of the attention she demands.

  Is It Possible You’ve Got It Wrong?

  You like to be kept busy, and you’re known as a quiet achiever. Your boss keeps giving you more and more to do, which isn’t a problem yet, but you’re worried she’ll take advantage of you. You don’t talk much, and she hates silence. She irritates you—you’ve never warmed to people like her. She tends to fill the gaps in conversation by talking about herself a lot, but that doesn’t make her a Narcissist. Remember, to identify a type, you are looking for sustained behavioral patterns.

  Dealing with the Narcissist

  She’ll run hot and cold. She can be charming and smooth or blunt and vicious. You might feel that she is curling her lip and sneering at you, but she probably isn’t noticing you at all—that sneer is more to do with her playing the role of the queen who is permanently bored, failing to notice courtiers. On the other hand, she has a big sense of entitlement and will demand your admiration and attention when she needs an audience.

  You might feel confused with her switches from being generous with praise (“Oh, I love your shoes”) to an intense brutality. The generosity and niceness is turned on when she wants you to think you owe her because she is being nice to you, and the dismissive, curt brutality is when she wants you to cower and lose confidence. She will enjoy the moments of largesse she bestows—you will feel overwhelmed or smothered, not functioning at your best. Her trick is her disarming nature; you are never quite sure if she will be displeased or delighted. When she shines her light on you, it feels wonderful to bask in her interest; when she abruptly turns the light off, you feel her contemptuous disdain. This is another ploy she will use—playing favorites.

  For someone with such little self-awareness, she is surprisingly perceptive about other people—she can regale you with tales of sheer genius about people’s psychological needs and frighten you with her uncanny ability to know how to push your buttons. Try not to buy in when she’s analyzing you.

  With her “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine” attitude, she will think nothing of picking up your pen, scissors, or files. It wouldn’t occur to her to return them. Similarly, she expects that she’ll own you for as long as she cares to have you around and could never imagine that you would leave.

  She’ll outperform everyone at conferences, meetings, or at any opportunity to dazzle the more senior staff. The worst thing you can do is try to compete—if you happen to get great feedback, your life will not be worth living … until the spotlight is returned to her.

  What to Do When You Work with a Narcissist

  •Do not attempt to argue or discuss your difficulties with her using logical, rational language. Her speciality is winning debates. She will be less articulate when you speak about feeling and emotion. This keeps you on a more level playing field in discussion. Look at Chapter 10 for more on thinking versus feeling responses.

  •Do not allow her to isolate you from other team members, especially anyone more senior. Watch out for any offers she makes to move your office or desk. Will this hide you away?

  •Consider her manipulative skills—does she seem to be nicer to you when you don’t fraternize with other staff? Does she attempt to gossip about other staff in a negative way that is designed to keep you from having a good connection with them? Do not fall for this. Maintain links with as many people as possible. She would prefer to isolate you in order to dominate you.

  •Because she likes to change the rules all the time, try to get her instructions in writing. She’s clever with words and highly manipulative, so don’t rely on verbal communication.

  •Do not sit in a lower chair or find yourself in situations where she towers over you. For example, if she approaches you while you’re seated, stand up to greet her or talk. She prefers to be above her courtiers, literally. Your being lower makes it easier for her to treat you poorly.

  •Do not show any surprise or discomfort if she gives you a “psychic reading” about your deepest fears or desires. Do not allow her to manipulate you with her piercing knowledge about what makes you tick. She likes to know where to poke you to keep that upper hand.

  •She enjoys whipping her courtiers up into a frenzy of trying to placate her or
keep her happy. Whatever anyone attempts to do for her will never be enough, so don’t even try to satisfy her demands.

  •Maintain strong boundaries. If she succeeds in blurring the edges, you will be imposed upon for favors, saddled with extra work tasks, and expected to bend the rules just for her.

  •Keep away if she is having a bad-hair day, spills coffee on her silk blouse, or has a run in her stocking. She cannot abide ugliness and is likely to project her displeasure straight onto you.

  •If you need to issue instructions or determine how a project is really coming along, take her into a neutral space and away from her territory. For example, go out for a coffee or grab her in the lobby when it’s quiet.

  •When in a meeting with senior staff, never say anything important that you need her to remember. She will be so busy looking over your shoulder scanning the room for anyone she can impress that you might as well be reciting your shopping list.

  •Don’t fall for her pseudo-intimacy when she tries to make you believe that you are special. You might think, “Oh, I know she can be awful to other people, but we are really close and she wouldn’t do those awful things to me!” When it suits her, she will.

  •Don’t be late or cancel meetings with her—she’ll be furious and never let you forget it. However, it is fine for her to cancel on you at the last minute or keep you waiting for hours.

  You can’t change a Narcissist’s behavior toward others, but you might get a better reaction from her if she can see what’s in it for her. She might not aspire to being a good team player, but you could encourage her to appreciate the merits of having team players on her side. You need to demonstrate how they will make her look even better.