None of it was true—she had lied about everything, and no, she hadn’t had the fabulous experiences outlined on her CV. No husband, no children, no dog, no cancer, no admirers. She’d been sending the flowers to herself.
The other departments had been reluctant to speak up, but when they discovered the lies, they advised our boss about all the work they had done on their weekends to ensure that projects went smoothly.
By this stage, I had left. I did not receive an apology.
In fact, the company leaders went to the other head and basically told her that if she left immediately, they’d give her a payout and nothing would be said. Of course, she goes, and becomes another organization’s headache. I have a philosophy that if I am open and honest and straightforward, everything will turn out well in the end. Then I am surprised when it doesn’t.
Phoebe’s co-worker’s lies were extreme, and it was only a matter of time before she was exposed. But the lack of support from Phoebe’s boss and from the organization in general meant the only real option for Phoebe was to leave—the other head was dysfunctional, but so was the workplace.
Morgan, 37, Community Mental Health
While teaching music, I also completed my training in psychology. The principal stopped me from getting a guidance officer position (as a psychologist) in schools and then lied that I was never offered the position in the first place. It left me feeling very confused. I resorted to mediation to get over what she did to me. The upshot? I was asked to go back into the school, but with no support or changes. I resigned. It took a long time to get over it.
If you came to the principal’s office to discuss anything, she would pretend that the phone had rung, answer it, talk to no one, and then shoo you away. She told me to continue to teach music, but I was no longer allowed to use the music room to teach. The room was left empty. I had to push a cart with instruments to all of the classrooms and teach music in the classrooms, many of which were down flights of stairs.
Her treatment of me was so upsetting I became depressed and anxious, had my first series of panic attacks, ended up on sick leave, and resigned from the education department. She was nasty, showed no empathy, and was very self-serving. She treated others similarly to me. She came in as an interim principal, told everyone she was not interested in the principal’s job, sucked everyone of information (including the vice principal, who also went for the principal job), and then applied for the job and got it.
I still feel bitter about it and devastated that I was totally unsupported. Staff would support me outside the school environment, but were too scared to cross her in case she paid them back. Somehow, nasty bitches often get to win. Maybe payback will be in the next life. She apparently had a history of being a bitch and causing lots of trouble for people and had changed both of her names to assume a new identity. Good try, but you can’t change your personality just by changing your spots!
I think bitchiness is about power and self-importance. We have become a selfish, egocentric society—“I want what I want, and I’ll get it no matter what the cost.” Women have also moved away from the role of nurturer. I try to keep situations in perspective—it’s just a job. If you come across a bitch, remind yourself that she obviously has problems. I try to be mindful and look after myself.
Jacqueline, 58, Pharmaceutical Industry
I had an incredibly difficult experience last year—the worst I’ve ever experienced in a forty-year career. The experience at the hands of this woman, who was backed by the CEO, forced me to resign.
She used every trick in her toolbox to manipulate and twist things, to put a certain perspective or interpretation on events. She lied constantly to serve her own ends. I couldn’t explain what was happening to me while I was in the midst of it all. It was sheer madness, an amazing experience, and I found out later that I wasn’t the only one affected. In fairness, she in turn was controlled by the CEO, and there was a lot to gain from that relationship, enough for her to justify playing her own game.
I was left feeling bruised, defeated, and totally inadequate for some months. In fact, I only began to get back my self-esteem when I heard from others at the place.
I’m no longer crushed, but I still feel I should have been able to handle her more professionally. I deplore what is happening in workplaces today—this behavior is on the increase, it seems. The global financial crisis is making everyone scared about job security, perhaps?
June, 29, Travel Industry
I worked with one woman who was a very good influencer. She was substantially older than me, so she knew how to sell me a line. I had no idea until a deal I was working on went nowhere because the bitch gave me wrong information. Upon talking to another associate, I learned that she had fed me quite a lot of crap. I examined a number of things she had said, and they were wrong. On one occasion, I went to my supervisor, who told her she had done the wrong thing, but he didn’t want friction. That afternoon, he came in with chocolates for us all to share and wanted to forget the whole thing. I left there promptly.
What I have found is that most bosses don’t want friction and see this sort of thing as catty, bitchy behavior that they don’t need to get involved in. They will not take the time to really look at what is happening and will usually take the word of a long-standing employee over someone new. I have also noticed that the boss often thinks the whole thing is too hard and relies on another worker to try to get rid of the troublemaker or to build a really strong case. It’s as if it’s too hard to fire someone who has made a work environment toxic. It really is a mistake on the boss’s part. The company would function so much better if some of these jealous people were not a part of it.
Cecile, 46, Public Service
I worked with Joan, whose career was on the rise, with a rapid progression into management within public service. I was her manager, but she usurped me when roles were reposted, maneuvering herself into becoming the manager of the group. I was bewildered but accepting of the situation. At a conference shortly afterward, staff members were seated for the formal dinner. When I left to visit the bathroom, Joan slid into my seat. On my return from the bathroom, to my dismay I saw that my seat was occupied. Joan cooed in a loud voice, “Oh dear, look at this! I’ve taken your chair yet again!”
Whenever a staff member applied for a promotion or new job, Joan would provide a scathing reference. Destroying their chances meant that she retained their services. Unsuspecting staff members began to lose confidence as they didn’t obtain promotions or new roles, and anxiously worked even harder to please Joan.
One senior team member left to go into consulting. She called Joan to ask if she could keep her in mind for any consulting projects she might hear of. “Oh, well, if there are any crumbs on the table that we don’t want, I just might consider scraping them your way,” Joan said.
Another staff member’s role was under threat, and the union mounted a campaign. Joan could see which way the wind blew politically, so despite Marie’s being an excellent worker, Joan stopped allocating any work to her. During the weekly staff meetings, Joan would ask, “These are the requests we’ve had. Who would like to take on these projects?”
Marie was concerned that Joan used this method of allocation—most managers delegated projects based on expertise, suitability, and opportunities for development. But whenever Marie put up her hand, Joan looked her up and down, saying, “Hmm. Anybody else interested?”
It became a standoff. Marie had no work to do. If she raised the problem with Joan, she was ignored. Joan would simply walk off. Marie was reassigned to a different team for three months.
On her return, Joan greeted her by saying, “Here are three projects for you. You will hate them. I don’t have time for any questions.” Marie was flabbergasted that Joan might imagine what she would or wouldn’t like since there had been virtually no conversation between them.
Joan ended up working in the private sector, where she became a general manager. She rarely spoke to Sue, a man
ager who reported to her. One day, Sue entered Joan’s office to discuss a difference of opinion. Joan launched into a tirade. Sue stood her ground. Joan overturned her desk, screaming and ranting. Sue fell and cowered in the corner as Joan advanced. Joan spat, “You worm,” then strode out into the kitchen to tell the occupants how pathetic Sue was.
Sue was shaking so badly, she had to go home and was on sick leave for some time. The organization backed Joan and suggested that perhaps Sue was too sensitive to do her job if she couldn’t handle some spirited debate. Sue resigned too.
In this case, Joan has managed to demonstrate six types of bitch—from screaming at staff, to toxic duplicity, to excluding, to insecure control, to narcissism, and especially to lying.
How Does the Liar Make You Feel?
She acts smarmy, guileless, casual or restless, unconcerned or impatient, excitable, impulsive, resilient, ruthless, and slippery.
You feel cautious, betrayed, mistrustful, incredulous, outraged, cynical, and stunned at her audacity.
Physically, you feel heavy, tightly wound; you hold your breath, wide-eyed in shock and with your arms crossed defensively.
Why Does the Liar Behave Like This?
We don’t expect to be lied to at work. The Liar is a polished performer and can easily deceive the whole office. Her lying is usually a symptom of her other, deeper problems, but in the workplace, your main short-term challenge is to find a way to work around someone you cannot trust. There is no justifiable reason for her constant lying, so approach her with caution in an effort to minimize the effect she has on you.
1. She Sees Herself As Beyond Reproach
She believes her own press when it suits her. She puffs up her experience and background and does not believe she has to explain herself. With such a bullet-proof exterior, she makes it difficult to challenge her to disclose what is really going on.
2. She Has Deep-Seated Emotional Problems
Liars tend to feign physical illness to mask an emotional problem. The Liar exhibits a number of traits such as excessive displays of emotion (with low emotional control), self-dramatization, wild rages or crying fits, deception, and ingratiation. She has an excessive need to be the center of attention. Exhausting to be with, she might cause you to doubt your sanity with her ruthless and vindictive manipulation.
3. She Craves Attention
Like some of the other mean-girl types, the Liar is an attention seeker. She thinks people will flock to her when she is sick, so she feigns illness after illness. This works for a while when people rally to support her, lowering their expectations of what she will contribute to the workplace. Withholding attention does not stop her behavior.
4. She Fears She Is Incompetent
Liars lie about headaches as a mechanism for refusing to have a conversation, turn up at a meeting, or meet a deadline. The bigger her fear about being exposed as incompetent, the bigger the lies become. Her “illness” makes it difficult to challenge her when she has failed to meet expectations. It’s quite likely the Liar could be competent; it’s just that she spends so much time not doing her job that it’s hard to tell.
For the Liar, it’s all about her. She prefers to live in an unreal world that she has created to suit the stories she tells. She is slippery to deal with.
Is It Possible You’ve Got It Wrong?
One of your friends in another department tells you that a merger is about to take place. You question the boss, but she doesn’t tell you the truth—she denies the merger quite vehemently. What you don’t know is that she has signed a confidentiality agreement and has been asked by her managers to keep the proposed merger from all staff. In an effort to do this, she ends up telling lies. You have a funny feeling that this is a repetition of former experiences. Perhaps your best friend in college lied to you when she knew that your boyfriend was seeing someone else. Or perhaps your parents kept secrets about their impending divorce. You hate lies. If your boss doesn’t tell you the truth, it doesn’t necessarily mean she is a Liar. There may be legitimate factors why your boss cannot disclose information to you. Remember, to identify a type, you are looking for sustained behavioral patterns.
Dealing with the Liar
Women are accustomed to helping, juggling tasks, and solving problems. Saying no isn’t usually our default position. We might respond to another person’s needs before considering our own. Most women want to maintain harmony and will be likely to accommodate the other person’s needs. The Liar is manipulative and will attempt to draw you in to fill her needs, whether it’s getting you to do her work for her or nurturing her through a (feigned) illness.
The more analytical woman is able to speed through a mental list of pros and cons when weighing up whether to help someone. She can say no, without being concerned about the ramifications for the other person. But it can be hard to refuse a colleague, especially when she is insistent or pleading and especially if she is a Liar and you are being manipulated.
How can you insulate yourself from your customary yes response? Learn to say no (see pages 218–219). The following strategies will help and might also be useful when dealing with Insecures or Screamers.
What to Do When You Work with a Liar
•Check your facts—always make sure you know the details of any situation before speaking with a Liar, as you cannot believe a word she says.
•The liar is often fascinated with evil because she takes pleasure in doing harm. Avoid falling into the trap of joining her in such conversations or encouraging moral-dilemma discussions.
•Be consistent with clear, firm boundaries no matter how badly she behaves. Ask yourself, “Which of my values are at stake?” You need to be clear in your mind about why you feel so upset with her.
•Stay strong and keep her on a short leash.
•If the Liar begins to cause you distress and you can’t transfer away from her, your best option is flight. Flee in order to survive. Leave the job.
•Distance yourself from her because it is too great a fight and you cannot possibly engage in battle. Get some support from other colleagues, your union, or HR. Exercise active self-defense.
•Take action rather than having her eat away at your self-esteem. Dithering doesn’t help.
•If you do need to work with a Liar, keep records, take notes, and document her behavior.
•Check if there are protocols in place to handle this properly at the organizational level. Be wary if there are not.
If Your Boss Is a Liar
This is unlikely to end well. Can you move?
Build resilience by taking care of your physical and emotional health.
Where possible, avoid being alone with her—you need a witness to all communication. Assume that she is likely to lie about everything, so get all her requests or instructions in writing, and keep a diary if you need to.
Get outside in the fresh air on your breaks to counteract her blackness.
Shore up your workplace network. Learning to “manage up” is a good skill to cultivate, and organizations notice staff who can go about their business despite having to work with women who have an unfortunate manner.
If You Work Alongside a Liar
Lack of trust between co-workers can lead to a situation where you’re working against each other instead of toward commonly valued goals. This can be very stressful, so you need to be very well prepared for the worst.
Assume that she is likely to lie about everything, so get all important communication in writing and keep a diary if you need to.
Where possible, avoid being alone with her.
Don’t ask her any unnecessary questions; try to get facts from another source.
Get outside in the fresh air on your breaks to counteract her blackness.
If You Manage a Liar
This is unlikely to end well. How quickly can you move her? You need to minimize the damage to everyone else.
Lack of trust between staff can lead to conditions where they’re working against e
ach other instead of toward commonly valued goals, and this may cause high stress levels. You will need to consider the difficulties that your staff may have working with the Liar.
Make sure she knows about organizational expectations, what behavior is required of her, and what the organization’s goals and objectives are. She needs regular feedback in relation to key performance indicators. When giving feedback, keep it brief and follow up in writing.
Where possible, avoid being alone with her.
Assume that she is likely to lie about everything, so get all communication in writing and keep a diary if you need to.
Get any information you need from another source.
CHAPTER 7
The Incompetent
She was really struggling with her new job and was just not up to it, and the more she was shown to be all at sea, the harder she became on the women around her, especially those who demonstrated ability and prior achievement.
—Kara
Ida got her promotion by default. She wants the money and prestige, but she is overwhelmed by the role. She knows her staff members are talented. She tells them she is giving them an opportunity to develop their skills by stretching them and delegates her projects to them. She pits them against each other, suggesting that she is going to select one of them as her second in command. Their work makes her look good, but she doesn’t want upper management to know what she is up to. So she complains in meetings that her team isn’t too good—she thinks they are lazy and disloyal.
Working with Bitches Page 11
