Working with Bitches

by Meredith Fuller

  Before you begin, you may wish to enquire how she is and how she thinks the project or situation (or whatever you are having the meeting for) is coming along. Listen without interruptions. When she has finished speaking, you might ask if you can give some information or feedback to help her.

  Use modifying words like “a little bit,” “just a tad,” “quite,” “sorry but,” and so on, rather than blunt language. Prepare the information in the same way that she tends to provide her own information. For example, convert numbers or statistics into sentences, pie charts with word labels, or anecdotes.

  As you make your comments, check to see if she is following what you’re saying. If she needs further information, give some examples of what else you might provide. She may not like to interrupt you to ask for more information, or she may not know what else you could discuss, so she will appreciate your checking.

  When you have outlined what has been going well, you could ask whether she would like some ideas to support or help what she is doing. Give her the feedback, and then finish with a couple of statements that are positive. You could introduce some additional positive information or restate what you mentioned at the outset. Ask if there is anything else you need to discuss, if she has further questions, or if she needs anything else.

  Your feeling-preferred manager or colleague is more likely to hear what you say if you sandwich constructive criticism between several positive comments. Remember that she wants to know that she has not been rejected as a person and that any mistakes or problems can be sorted out.

  Communication Confusion

  Feeling-preferred women might do any of the following three things that could easily be misinterpreted by thinking-preferred women. These simple differences can lead to communication confusion that may contribute to either woman’s believing that the other is being a bitch.

  Apologizing. Saying “Sorry to bother you, but I need to … ” does not mean you are sorry as a life position. You are merely displaying a respect for the other person’s feelings and checking if this is a good time to speak. But the thinking-preferred mean girl might hear your “sorry” and see you as someone who is too eager to please or lacking security. Rather than saying, “Excuse me, sorry, but … ” the thinking-preferred woman walks in and begins with the issue that is uppermost in her mind. The feeling-preferred female may perceive this as too blunt, too direct, insensitive, and not respecting the other person. For example, a woman with a feeling preference who says “sorry” before speaking might be mislabeled by a thinking-preferred woman as a Toxic bitch who grovels. The thinking-preferred woman misunderstands her checking approach.

  Watering Down the Message. The thinking-preferred woman is more up-front about what she means and apparently does not demonstrate concern about what others may think. Banter might include teasing and put-downs that the feeling-preferred woman doesn’t appreciate. The feeling-preferred woman has a different rhythm.

  If you are communicating with a thinking-preferred woman, simply state your request: “I need this done by 10 A.M.,” not “Can you do me a favor and get this out by 10 A.M.?” Or “There was a car accident; I’ll get up to speed afterward,” not “I’m so sorry I’m late, but there was a car accident.”

  Use fewer words, get to the point quickly, and forgo the social ritual of using nice words to soften or prepare the other person for the message.

  Deflecting Positive Feedback. As a feeling-preferred woman at work, you need to accept positive feedback without qualifying it or downplaying it. Do not deflect a compliment or other positive feedback—a feeling-preferred woman might feel uncomfortable about simply saying thank you, adding “Oh, it was nothing!” You can begin to see how easily things can go awry—if you brush off thanks and push positive feedback away by negating your efforts as nothing or by saying that anyone could do it, you make it much easier for the other person to steal your work. After all, you said anybody would have come up with that.

  There Is a Fine Line to Observe Here. On the one hand, feeling-preferred women need to avoid apologizing, watering down a message, or deflecting feedback. On the other hand, the thinking-preferred woman might need to insert additional phrases that establish rapport so that the feeling-preferred recipient is more able to hear the communication.

  For example, a thinking-preferred woman who says, “I need this done by 10 A.M.” might be mislabeled an Insecure bitch who controls people if the recipient is a feeling-preferred woman who simply needed a “Hello, how’s today shaping up?” before being told the report needs to be done by 10 A.M. The feeling-preferred woman needs to know that the thinking-preferred woman actually acknowledges her existence. When the relationship is acknowledged, the feeling-preferred woman is ready to do the task with alacrity rather than feeling like an invisible robot. Spending one minute to acknowledge the other person in the morning before listing tasks seems a reasonable thing to do. Conversely, it’s important not to distract the thinking-preferred woman with small talk or by taking time away from the task by smiling or saying hello again.

  Thinking About It Doesn’t Solve Everything

  As discussed, because most women have a feeling preference and most women managers have a thinking preference, the difference might contribute to conflict and misunderstanding. Understanding the differences does not solve the bitch problem at work, but it might help to improve communications with some women.

  Take one woman’s experience, for example. “I e-mailed back a thank-you to a colleague, and I received a ‘do not clog up inboxes with unnecessary trivia,’” says an incredulous Larissa. By trying to adopt the preference of the other when communicating things of importance—using the language that our opposite prefers—we might encourage easier understanding. By appreciating the difference in style, we might come to realize that what we previously assumed was bitchy behavior was simply a thinking or feeling style difference. With any luck, we might be able to reclassify a few of the bitches at work as really belonging in the Not-a-Bitch category.

  CHAPTER 11

  Women at Work

  Put simply, jealousy, insecurity, and incompetence were behind her appalling behavior. Age should never be a factor when you are looking at a person’s skill set—I was much younger but had the skills the company needed. I was a threat to her position and security within the company.

  —Verity

  There are many reasons for a woman labeling her boss or colleague a bitch, whether it’s warranted or not. It might be simple miscommunication, the result of two women having different ways of making decisions, a concept that is explored in Chapter 10. But one of the most obvious causes of discord between women at work might actually be a generational difference—the same thing that often causes trouble between females at home.

  Naturally, individual women are not going to fit into a generational type, but they are likely to be influenced in some manner by their generation’s societal experiences. By considering generational themes, we may better appreciate generational differences that might exist. Individual women may reflect their generation, go against their generation, or incorporate the best and worst of several generations. While the difficulties you may be experiencing with the woman at work may not be connected to generational difference, it may be helpful to consider the impact of the 1960s onward from individual and general perspectives. The baby boomers were probably the last generation to expect easy entry into a long-term career and the first to expect females to gain promotions to senior roles alongside males. Gen Ys, also called Millennials, are probably the first generation to experience a paradigm shift in the concept of career and the notion of portfolio careers with horizontal growth instead of stable, vertical career progression.

  Speaking with a number of Gen Ys produced similar themes:

  Jaya notes, “Our generation is not impressed by hierarchy—it is antiquated. Older women at work strike me as having the attitude that because they are older and have been there longer, I should do what they say, and they patronize
me. That’s not enough to cut it with me. Our generation respects competence and if you know your stuff, whatever your age.

  “The older women want to baby me, mother me. ‘You are so tiny,’ they say, thinking, ‘I’ll protect you. You are so thin.’ They pat you and want to tell you how to live your life. Others, the old bitches, give me dirty looks and stare at my clothes, my size, my looks. They hold their hand up to their mouth and sarcastically whisper to their friends. They hate how well I get along with the men. I represent what they’ve lost, and they can be bitter and jealous and resent my youth. They spitefully tell me that my life will turn sour, just wait and see. Either way, I don’t want their advice. Treat me as an equal.”

  Phoebe says, “They think we are the frivolous generation. They think that I don’t have any worries, because I am young, so they don’t take me seriously. I was trying to tell this woman I was struggling with issues, but she brushed me off: ‘Oh, pah, your life’s so easy—you live at home, you don’t have a mortgage, you go out and have fun every night—what have you got to be anxious about?!’

  “The worst thing is the way they accuse us of being irresponsible. They say that we don’t care and that we swan in and out, and you can see that they resent us. We have worries they’ll never have—we probably won’t ever have a house, or a career progression, or even know what we want to do. Anyway, we should be able to enjoy our life, and if we want to leave to go traveling, or get bored and quit, they shouldn’t punish us because they feel trapped.”

  Essentially, Gen Ys expect to work in flat structures and want to ask questions or debate strategies or work methods with everyone. Believing in merit, not seniority, they expect to quickly occupy better positions. They want fulfillment, meaning, and satisfaction and feel justified in leaving an organization that doesn’t deliver. Some appreciate that baby boomers have worked long and hard to achieve their positions and that the older people can be furious when a Gen Y quickly passes them by or becomes their manager. But Gen Ys expect the boomers to deal with it. Other Gen Ys wish that disgruntled older workers would get over it or get out instead of dragging their heels or sullenly snitching.

  On the other hand, some Gen Ys seek out older women who mentor, support, encourage, and delight in having young women around to keep them edgy. While Gen Ys may not like authority, if they respect the older woman, they will tolerate the difference.

  Many Gen Ys do flit between study, casual jobs, travel, or other pursuits with friends. They may be working in a job they don’t care for while saving up for a trip or trying to decide what they really want to do, yet they can do the tasks easily, and the work gets done properly. They may not understand why an older women might view them as a threat or resent their apparent casual, “passing the time” lifestyle.

  Gen Ys may be under greater pressure than older generations assume—they are expected to be perfect, successful, brilliant, fun, and interesting. Yet the world is more uncertain, and their paths unsure. On the one hand, they may be more confident, aggressive, and demanding. But on the other, they may grapple with their sense of self, fear of the future, stress, and depression.

  Geraldine points out that twenty-four-year-olds are prone to drinking and taking drugs these days to cope with the stress of working hard. “Everyone else thinks my daughter and her friends are amazing, but she can be bitchy at home, stressed from ‘too much work’ and the pressure to succeed.”

  As Julie, a baby boomer, puts it, “I work for a bakery franchise that is filled with young women. I feel privileged to be there and to be accepted by these marvelous, energetic young things. They keep me young, bring me up to speed with technology, and sometimes ask my advice about relationship troubles. I’m pretty obsessive about my work, but I don’t care if they do things differently. After all, in the end, the work gets done.”

  Alli, a Generation Xer, says, “Older generations are happy to slam, yet I’ve seen baby boomers behaving like … well … babies. Gen X isn’t perfect, either. Personally, I think it boils down to personality types more than generations. When people start lumping others together according to age groups and judge them on a handful of people who behave badly, that is a recipe for disaster. It is possible for all three generations to work well together if they take the time to get to know the person and not base their judgment on age. Sure, we may not get pop references or understand some references of each other’s generation, but if we make the effort to treat each other as individuals rather than an age group, then I can’t see why three generations can’t work together in harmony.”

  Alli explains further: “We are trying to juggle babies, jobs, relationships, mortgages, losing jobs, losing partners, stress, exhaustion. If we stay home with our baby, we are vilified. If we get back to work, we are judged, if we can find a part-time job, that is. Yes, it is hard when a Gen Y boss has no idea why I can’t just work late, or refuses to let me leave the office when my child is sick. Then again, an older friend had the same trouble with a child-free Gen X manager who wouldn’t cut her any slack when her teenager had drug problems.”

  Suzanne, a baby boomer who counsels adolescents, weighs in: “I find that my Gen X professional supervisor presses my buttons because her way of supervising is more about her need to tell me what she thinks rather than engage with me. Quite often, this makes me not like her much and creates anger and resentment—she is more about accountability to the organization than me. Generational lines keep up walls. Grrrrrr.”

  Then again, Victoria, a younger Gen X accountant, says, “We Gen Xers saw our baby boomer parents get laid off. We won’t take work so seriously.”

  Freya is concerned that Gen X is the forgotten generation, sandwiched between the baby boomers whose careers are nosediving and the Gen Ys who are precocious upstarts: “It’s galling to see the young ones soar, while you are hanging on with gritted teeth and worrying why you’re not getting promotions anymore. The baby boomers are delaying retirement, while I am concerned about dwindling opportunities.”

  Bethany, who is in her midtwenties, thinks Wendy, thirty years her senior, is bitchy. Wendy does things in a no-nonsense way and isn’t particularly interested in humoring anyone. Wendy has been using the same behavior at work for nearly forty years, and it has seen her through many huge changes, especially in technology. She’s worked through recessions and layoffs galore, and she’s seen many people come and go. Her behavior drives Bethany crazy—she’s eager to make some big changes to procedures and feels that Wendy is blocking her progress. Really, Wendy is just doing what needs to be done. She can’t wait to retire. The mere thought of Bethany and her energy levels makes her tired.

  Louise is in her forties. She sees Lani, twenty years her junior, as a real bitch. Sharp-tongued, impatient, and keen to get ahead, Lani doesn’t seem to want to pay her dues. She spends too much time on Facebook. What right does she have to state her opinion on everything when she’s only been there for five months? And her demands! A simple request to go and get the mail is met with disapproval—it’s not part of her job. She does it, but begrudgingly. Lani has strong opinions, and she is frustrated by her entry-level position, but her language is the same as that of her peers. It’s just the way she communicates.

  Today’s working environment has women with incredibly different experiences of work. There is a smattering of women born prewar, a large group of baby boomers, and Gen Xers and Gen Ys in increasing numbers. Gen Ys are working alongside women who might be older than their mothers, while boomers are managing females who are younger than their own daughters. No wonder this causes frustration, angst, and confusion. Women who experienced firsthand the impact of the sexual revolution of the mid-1960s, the feminist movement of the 1970s, and the recession-driven 1980s (with the first round of layoffs) are working with those who have grown up in the middle of the technological revolution of the last twenty-plus years. On the positive upside, this brings a great range of experience to the workplace. On the negative side, the differences can cause communica
tion breakdowns. And poor communication can be misinterpreted as bitchiness.

  The age range of women at work means a big difference in what’s going on biologically and at home. Some women are trying to conceive, whereas others are going through menopause. Some have small children, some have teenagers, and others are grandmothers. Happily single women work alongside females who are desperate to have a baby but haven’t found a suitable partner yet, while others are trying in vitro fertilization or are struggling with solo parenting. There’s a lot going on, and while work can be the great escape from everything else, it can also be the place where it all unravels.

  All of these observations help underscore that what can be perceived as bitchiness might just be difference. Take the time to consider what you can learn from someone else’s ways, and think about what else is going on in your colleague’s life. You don’t have to buy into the detail. Sometimes a simple, “How is everything going?” or “I have some free time; can I do anything to help?” will do wonders for your working relationship.

  Some people think the diversity of age in organizations is a myth. They believe either that the older core group is hanging on for dear life, firing anyone who is different, or that the new, younger group is recruiting to its own image.

  Baby boomers consulted had their own perspective: “The Gen Ys rock in when they feel like, take time off, and only want to do the parts of the job they like,” says Leigh. “They don’t have the follow-through, commitment, and good manners we have. They roll their eyes and complain they are tired or bored.”