Goat In The Meze: A farcical look at Greek life (The Greek Meze Series Book 1)

by Katerina Nikolas

  Moronic Mitsos seemed very keen on this Shirley woman. He instructed Bald Yannis to write her a reply saying he would love to meet her and whisper sweet nothings in her ear as they sailed the coast in his yacht. Adonis was sitting quietly in the corner and overheard this exchange. He reflected it didn’t take much to keep small minded villagers amused.

  Promising to compose a reply to Shirley at his earliest convenience Bald Yannis announced he was off on his washing line patrol duty and woe betide any perverts he should come across. Instead he scuttled home to collect the stolen underwear and under cover of darkness left a fake trail of ‘frillies’ in the chicken coops, gardens and rowing boats of his fellow villagers.

  Chapter 76

  A Honeymoon Let Down

  Gorgeous Yiorgos was showing off his Greek dancing skills with great panache at the wedding reception when he received a dark and disturbing phone call from Petula. Without even bidding farewell to the newlyweds he hastened out to his car and drove straight to the home of Petula.

  There he discovered the broken and beaten body of his childhood friend who had experienced the worst bout of anger the Pappas had ever displayed. After discovering his wife’s deception over her engagement ring and the awful truth of the sad demise of his beloved pet goat Krasi, the Pappas had lost all control and beaten his wife into a bloody pulp.

  Gorgeous Yiorgos gently scooped Petula up and drove her to hospital. Seeing her tucked neatly and safely into a hospital bed and in receipt of the very best medical attention he returned to the wedding to gather the village men together. He demanded they collectively do something for once and for all to put the Pappas in his place and discourage his nasty ways.

  Socrates had just heard of the Pappas’ blackmailing scam from Stavroula and he was eager to vent his own form of retribution on the drunken priest. The village men all agreed the Pappas had gone too far and needed to be taught a lesson. They did not think of summoning Pancratius the village policeman from his sick bed as this was something they felt the need to take care of themselves.

  The Pappas was discovered skulking in the back of the church, drinking from a bottle of Holy wine. He knew his fists had gone too far with Petula but had hoped she would keep her mouth shut and pretend she had walked into the proverbial door as usual. On seeing the posse of approaching village men he knew for sure he was about to receive their rough and ready version of retribution.

  The Pappas made the sign of the Holy cross as they roughly threw him into Gorgeous Yiorgos’ fishing boat and cast off from the harbour. The men were seething with quiet anger. They waited until the boat was well away from the harbour before unceremoniously tossing the drunken snivelling Pappas into the sobering water with a warning if he survived he should stay well away from Petula. Leaving the Pappas floundering in the sea the men headed back to shore to re-join the wedding celebration.

  Back at the wedding celebration Fat Christos had one eye on the clock as he needed to be ready when the taxi arrived to take him to the clinic for his stomach stapling surgery. He had yet to break the news to his bride he expected her to hand over a large brown envelope of cash to bribe the surgeon and he had no idea she was expecting him to whisk her away on a romantic honeymoon.

  Tassia was distraught when she learnt the truth there was not going to be a honeymoon, nor was there not even going to be a proper wedding night.

  “But you are already pregnant,” Fat Christos reasoned “and it will be better for the baby if I have the stomach stapled and lose the rest of this excess weight very quickly.”

  “This should be the most romantic night of my life,” Tassia wailed “and instead I will be all alone while you have your fat stomach stapled.”

  “You can always revert to tradition and share the wedding bed with my mother,” Fat Christos argued lamely, realising he had not made the best start to married life and perhaps should have handled things a little differently.

  “Now don’t stay up too late partying,” he advised his new bride, reminding her she would need to be up bright and early to open the supermarket. He even forgot to kiss Tassia as he stepped into the waiting taxi clutching the large brown envelope he had managed to wheedle out of his new bride.

  Chapter 77

  The Curse of the Pappas’ Fishing Curse

  Prosperous Pedros did not return to the wedding celebrations after taking his mother Fotini home in disgrace. He had found her behaviour most mortifying, yet she cackled triumphantly at causing so much trouble. He escorted her into the house and threatened to stop doing her shopping and buying sweet treats unless she showed some contrition.

  Fotini assured her son her outrageous behaviour was one of the few perks left to someone of her advanced years and she had no intention of mending her obnoxious ways. She was secretly looking forward to having the new American neighbours to terrorise and pondered how long it would take them to put the house back up for sale to escape her meddling ways. The very thought emitted another series of cantankerous cackles, driving her long suffering son away.

  Prosperous Pedros retired to his small fishing cottage for some peace and quiet as he painstakingly threaded the bait onto his numerous fishing lines. He reflected he’d had a narrow escape by staying single as women brought nothing but trouble, as evidenced by his odious mother.

  As he cast his fishing boat from the harbour that moon-free evening he was at peace in his solitude and did not regret his decision to go fishing rather than return to the wedding. As he headed back to shore with a magnificent catch he caught sight of what appeared to be the Pappas floundering helplessly in the deep water with his dress ballooning around him.

  His first instinct was to ignore the Pappas and let the nasty drunk drown. He had no idea how the Pappas came to be out at sea but realised now he had seen him his run of good fishing luck was already doomed by the Pappas’ fishing curse.

  Prosperous Pedros considered he may as well rescue the Pappas as it may give him heavenly favour at some future point. Cursing under his breath he steered the fishing boat towards the drowning priest and hauled him unceremoniously into the boat. Raising his palm in a gesture of rude dismissal Prosperous Pedros simply told the Pappas “I don’t want to hear it malaka.”

  Chapter 78

  The Pappas’ Fake Religious Renaissance

  The Pappas had spent an uncomfortable night in his wet black dress, tangled up in the fishing detritus that lay at the bottom of Prosperous Pedros’ fishing boat. He felt extremely sorry for himself at the rough way he had been treated and reflected he would most certainly have drowned if Prosperous Pedros had not hauled him out of the water. Mindful of the village men’s warning to stay away from Petula he did not dare to return home, nor dare he risk any of his congregation catching him looking so undignified and revolting in the church.

  He spared not a thought for his poor beaten wife who he considered had got everything she deserved. However his lack of contrition would not go down well in the village and he realised if he was to survive in his priestly job he had better simulate repentance.

  The Pappas came up with a cunning plan to increase his standing in the village. He decided now would be a good time to have a religious Renaissance and he would concentrate all his efforts on going round being insufferably Godly. Of course he would need to swear off the demon drink, but he considered he was clever enough to dupe the dullards in the village and convince them he was a reformed character.

  With a plan decided on the Pappas pulled a bit of old prawn bait out of his liturgical garments and wrung the sea water out of his socks. He would make a discreet entrance to the church and spend the morning cramming up on biblical quotations about the evils of wine and then inflict the pious quotes on his unsuspecting heathen congregation.

  Chapter 79

  An Impending Visitor

  Fotini was beside herself with excitement having just received a telephone call from her second cousin Nitsa. Nitsa had moved away from Astakos many years ago, at the time of her marriage, an
d settled in the up ‘north village’ of Pirouni, named for a fork. At the sprightly young age of eighty two Nitsa was four years younger than Fotini, but she had been widowed first. Now she lived with her son Apostolakis and his family as it was the proper thing for a son to take in his old widowed mother.

  Fotini was pleased she wasn’t widowed or she might be forced to live with her son Pedros who could be most impatient. Luckily her old husband was only off in Athens, though he did seem to have been gone rather a long time she pondered. She decided she would ask Pedros if he knew when his father was coming home.

  In the meantime Nitsa was coming to visit and Apostolakis had insisted on paying for her trip. The best thing about the impending visit was Nitsa was driving her own car down and this would mean Fotini would have wheels at her disposal. Her miserable son Pedros never took her anywhere she wanted to go. Just look at how the killjoy had put his foot down over her attending that wedding, she muttered. It was quite disgraceful she had been forced to gate-crash rather than attend as her son’s plus one.

  Fotini telephoned Pedros to tell him the wonderful news about Nitsa’s impending visit and told him to get himself over immediately as the spare room needed a good cleaning out. Pedros had already been warned of the situation by Apostolakis who had been so desperate to have a break from his batty old mother he had even bought her an old Mercedes taxi for the journey, then booked himself and his wife on a cruise to celebrate their new found freedom.

  Prosperous Pedros presumed the visit could be a disaster as his mother would be gadding about all over the place in Nitsa’s car and Nitsa could not be trusted to not blurt out the news Fotini’s husband had really been dead for the last ten years.

  Chapter 80

  Bleeding Borscht

  Vasilis and Masha were expecting the arrival of Stavroula and Slick Socrates for a dinner party at their home. They had extended a familial invitation in order to better relations between father and newly discovered daughter. Mail order Masha had a big pan of borscht simmering in the kitchen which Vasilis liberally laced with vodka when she wasn’t looking. He had promised her he would not touch alcohol after the funeral debacle, but felt the need of some Dutch courage for this pending occasion.

  “What else yous cooking?” Vaslis demanded. “We can’t just give them red soup, my daughter he is experienced cook you know.”

  “Po po, yous know I no cook nothing but borscht,” Masha reminded him “if you wanted a wife who cook you should have married a village peasant.” With that she flounced out of the kitchen, saying she was going to glam up before the guests arrived.

  Vasilis was most disappointed when Stavroula telephoned to cancel the dinner party, claiming she had far too many customers in the taverna to leave them to their own devices. Masha was most put out as she had glammed up in a gold sequin mini dress with matching platform shoes. She suggested they put the borscht in a Tupperware box and take it to Stavroulas. The mismatched couple climbed onto Onos the donkey and balancing the Tupperware box of vodka laced red soup they headed into the village.

  As soon as the pair climbed down from the donkey Stavroula immediately went on the defensive. It seemed Masha’s newly inflated silicone boob was now bleeding heavily and she would no doubt attempt to pin the blame on Stavroula and her recent slip up with the salon scissors.

  “Malaka the borscht is bleeding all over my new sequin dress,” Masha exclaimed, to the relief of Stavroula who realised the spreading red wound was actually some nasty smelling Russian soup and not blood.

  Hoping to improve relations between Vasilis and his newly discovered daughter Masha air kissed Stavroula and insisted she call her Mama.

  “I ave been telling my husband ‘ow much I want the children and you come along as a readymade one, is good, you not ruin my stunning figure,” she laughed.

  Stavroula was only too mindful Slick Socrates could seemingly not get enough of Masha’s voluptuous figure and slapped him sharply round the head as a warning to keep his eyes off his new step-mother- in-law to be. Stavroula was not partial to sampling foreign foods and she eyed the borscht with sinister suspicion as she demanded to know what was in it.

  “Beets and Smetana,” Masha told her.

  No matter how many times Stavroula tried she could not get her tongue to pronounce the strange sounding Smetana which translated into sour cream.

  “If I want sour cream I leave the milk out in the sun as a cure for sunburn,” Stavroula said “and I would not put gone off milk in the soup and expect people to eat it.”

  Socrates politely downed a generous bowlful of the suspect red soup, but Stavroula stuck to her guns and refused to sample the foreign muck.

  “The Greek food is the best and more healthiest in world,” she declared, making a rash promise to teach her new step-mother to cook proper Greek food.

  “Father Vasilis, yous ‘ave many lost years to make up for financially,” Stavroula declared. “Yous should ‘ave paid for the cost of my wedding to Toothless Tasos and the cost of my wedding to Kostas. I give yous the bills to pay.”

  “It will be my pleasure,” that old fool Vasilis surprised her by saying, immediately receiving a sharp kick under the table from his mail order bride who was horrified he had no apparent qualms about sharing her fortune.

  Stavroula excused herself from the family dinner as Mrs Kolokotronis was banging on the kitchen door. The pair huddled in the kitchen together as Stavroula voiced her opinion on her new step-mother’s suitability.

  “Mail order Masha likely kill my new father with her ‘orrid cooking,” she lamented to her neighbour. “’Ow can anybody be expected to eat that foreign muck and survive. No wonder that old fool Vasilis, I mean my respected new father, is nothing but skin and bone.”

  Mrs Kolokotronis had more pressing concerns on her mind as it had suddenly struck her that her new daughter-in-law appeared to be far more pregnant than her recent encounter with Fat Christos in the garden shed would explain.

  “Maybe he didn’t wait till the night he proposed to make romance,” Stavroula suggested, but Mrs Kolokotronis was adamant Fat Christos had not made free with Tassia until the night he put a ring on her finger.

  “This baby business is odd as Christos used condom from the church collection plate. I worry Tassia may be a loose hussy and marry my Christos to give a good name to some other man’s baby.”

  Stavroula was suddenly sensitive to the subject of questionable paternity, not surprising considering Vasilis’ recent announcement.

  “Well either way he marry an heiress and get his hands on Tassia’s money,” Stavroula consoled her friend “and it would be no bad thing if the baby not look like Fat Christos.”

  Mrs Kolokotronis, taking offence at Stavroula’s remark as she considered her son to be very handsome, slammed the door loudly on her way out. She decided to visit Tassia to see if she could get to the bottom of her sudden suspicions. She would take her a present of a new shower curtain as an excuse to visit.

  Chapter 81

  Bald Yannis Flogs Some Patriotic Shower Curtains

  “Whose bra is this?” Thea demanded to know, extricating an ample lace push-up bra from Toothless Tasos’ front door knocker. Toothless Tasos blushed unbecomingly, stammering he had no idea who the underwear belonged to, but it definitely wasn’t his.

  Thea soon forgot about the suspect bra as her mind was filled with considering the pros and cons of Toothless Tasos as her fourth husband. As she settled into the deckchair to catch up with the latest gripping instalment of her favourite soap opera ‘Seven Deadly Mothers-in-Law’ she suggested a few home improvements Toothless Tasos should undertake to make his home more comfortable.

  “You need a curtain over that window,” she declared “as every Thomas, Adonis and Harris can peer in as they pass and may get the wrong idea about me visiting yous ‘ouse.”

  As soon as the soap opera finished Toothless Tasos hot-footed it over to the hardware store as Thea’s comments on his need for home improvements h
ad hit home. Living the bachelor life he had no idea about decorative home touches, though he thought he had done his best without the help of a womanly touch and considered the stuffed swordfish noses a decorative success. For no other reason than he ran a successful hardware store he presumed Bald Yannis would be the man to give suitable advice.

  Bald Yannis was feeling almost cheery as he’d had a very productive evening laying a false trail of stolen underwear throughout the village, while pretending he was on washing line patrol duty. He was busy trying to work out why there was a sudden rush on shower curtains and mistakenly surmised it could be the foreign influence of that strange American couple. He decided to promote the shower curtains with a large profit margin as a must-have item. It was a great opportunity to sell off a large pile of useless old surplus stock gathering dust in the back room.

  “I ‘ave come to purchase a curtain for my living room window,” Toothless Tasos announced to the great delight of Bald Yannis, who whipped out a plastic shower curtain with a decorative lobster border.

  “This is finest curtain I ‘ave,” Bald Yannis declared, adding “not only is it decorative and functional, but is unique one of a kind. No one else ‘ave one. It is also patriotic to the village as it is adorned with lobsters.”

  Toothless Tasos was completely clueless about interior design and was delighted the hardware shop stocked such a fine item. He handed over his euros and rushed home to nail the lobster embellished shower curtain over the living room window where he thought it added a homely touch that would undoubtedly impress Thea.

  Bald Yannis was feeling very smug over his shower curtain sale and settled down behind his cash register to pen a letter to Moronic Mitsos from a lonely hearted woman in China who he claimed was descended from the Ming dynasty. He laughed to himself at the thought of Moronic Mitsos becoming insufferably boring about luring a woman with a classic lineage. He wondered if the made up woman would declare Moronic Mitsos’ yacht was a bit ‘minging’. He reluctantly put his letter to one side as Quentin and Deirdre entered the shop in a quest for some ancient floor tiles.