Goat In The Meze: A farcical look at Greek life (The Greek Meze Series Book 1)

by Katerina Nikolas

  “Put the cases in the car Quentin,” Deirdre instructed “and then we can say our goodbyes at the party and be straight on our way. It will be our last chance to see the ‘Lemoni Spiti’ until we return. Just imagine how different it will look the next time we see it when Achilles the borrowed builder has completed all the renovations.”

  It was a bit of a squeeze in the car. Along with the suitcases Quentin had agreed to give a lift to Yiota and the road kill dead goat that had been roasted on the spit for the party. Evangelia from the beauty parlour needed a ride and they had agreed to stop and pick up mail order Masha as she did not want to balance her Tupperware box of borscht on the donkey after the seeping soup disaster of the last time.

  When they arrived at the ‘Lemoni Spiti’ they were greeted by Stavroula who was busy placing her many tempting dishes of meze on a folding trestle table in the garden. Yiota eyed the meze dishes with suspicion; certain she would have supplied a far superior selection.

  Mail order Masha was dressed in her green velvet strapless evening gown covered in donkey hairs, despite it only being the middle of the afternoon. She was busy moving some of the meze dishes to one side to ensure her infamous borscht had pride of place in the centre, leaving the spit roasted road kill goat balancing precariously on the side of the table.

  “Time to party,” Stavroula declared, showing off the new English phrase she had painstakingly mastered especially for the occasion, impressing Quentin and Deirdre no end with her new linguistic skill.

  Chapter 122

  Goat in the Meze

  Bald Yannis was so delighted to have wangled an invitation to the party he closed the hardware shop early. He was not used to receiving social invitations as he was so unpopular. He was still incensed the bank manager was refusing to give him a refund for all the underwear the two old crones had put on his credit card, but was mightily relieved the inept police enquiry had not revealed his identity as Stavroula’s strangling attacker nor as the elusive underwear thief. Dressing his goat Agapimeni in the beautiful knitted pink coat Mrs Kolokotronis had finished with remarkable speed he made his way to the party.

  The Pappas was skulking in the church in a furious mood he had been excluded from the party, as it showed despite all his efforts his important status in the village still went unrecognised. Nevertheless he was mightily pleased the inept police enquiry had not revealed his identity as the pervert ‘on the loose’ wallpaper money stealing thief who had illicitly entered the house of Fotini, nearly burning it down.

  Mrs Kolokotronis had been left in charge of the supermarket as Fat Christos was taking his new wife to the party. She had a large knitting order to fulfil as Bald Yannis wanted a whole new wardrobe for his darling pet goat. She was apprehensive about her son’s pending operation to have his excess skin cut off but was mightily relieved she had caused him no lasting harm with her reckless sabotage of his liquidised diet.

  Achilles the borrowed builder was once again keen to promise Quentin and Deirdre by the time they returned their new falling down old house would be restored to glory. He was delighted to hear they would be recommending his imaginative use of shower curtains as a home decorative touch to all their friends back in Idaho. Adonis promised his new friends he would try to get over to Idaho for a visit, telling them “I stays in yous ‘ouse and brings wife Penelope for yous to meet as she needs ‘oliday.”

  Gorgeous Yiorgos had spruced himself up for the party by having an actual bath and a shave, and applying some aftershave, as he wanted to look his best for Petula. They arrived together, accompanied by Nero the goat who was quite happy to travel by car as long as its head was stuck out of the sunroof. Tassia was pleased to spot Petula as she had brought along the excellent and most lifelike portrait she had drawn of the goat Nero. “You have captured the goat’s good looks perfectly,” Petula exclaimed in delight.

  Tassia explained the Pappas had commissioned her to do the portrait as a surprise gift for his wife, but she couldn’t resist showing it off before he had a chance to give it to Petula. “Don’t tell the Pappas I show yous as it spoil ‘is surprise,” she instructed.

  Petula was racked with sudden guilt at the thought that here she was gadding about at a party with another man who was obviously growing fond of her, while her husband was thinking up thoughtful ways to win his way back into her good graces. His surprise gift was the most thoughtful gesture he had ever displayed, leaving Petula horribly conflicted. Bursting into tears she dropped the goat’s lead and fled behind an olive tree to weep in private.

  Fotini and Nitsa arrived at the party by climbing up the three-legged olive tree ladder and then scrambling over the wall. Fotini made a scene by falling off the wall and landing in a heap with her skirts in the air. Screaming loudly she had broken her leg again she was delighted to be lifted up by her son Prosperous Pedros who she thought was actually beginning to show some filial concern since the night she had almost been burnt to death by the ‘on the loose’ pervert.

  Toothless Tasos arrived with his beloved goddess Thea. He was happy to escort her to the party as it didn’t involve spending any of his money. They were closely followed by that old fool Vasilis arriving on his donkey Onos. Vasilis was furious when he spied the smitten young doctor following his wife around, and challenged him to a one-armed fist fight.

  Mail order Masha hissed at the doctor to leave and told that old fool Vasilis “stop yous jealousy, yous in no condition to go round beating up doctor, I needs yous in one piece as I is ovulating. Now goes talk to Stavroula as she ‘as business opportunity to discuss and then we goes ‘ome to make baby.”

  Adonis was called over to translate for Quentin. He wanted him to tell Nitsa they would very much miss her on their next visit as he imagined her visit to Fotini would have ended by then. The words were said out of nothing more than politeness as he and Deirdre actually hoped very much the bonkers old crone would be long gone by the time they returned.

  “Nitsa say to tell yous she going nowhere,” Adonis relayed “she thinkin’ of making permanent ‘ome with Fotini as loves her cousin an’ they ‘ave great times together. Driving taxi ‘ere is goodly way to supplement ‘er meagre pension ‘an she plan to make fortune in tourist season.”

  Nitsa was most amused to spot the look of horror the gormless Quentin and Deirdre tried to hide at this unfortunate piece of news.

  Bald Yannis arrived with his darling pet goat Agapimeni. Everyone made fun of him behind his back for dressing the animal in a pink knitted jacket. Seeking out Deirdre he addressed her in perfect English, saying “I have a leaving gift for you. It is a postcard of a goat. I recall the very first time you came into my hardware shop you requested a postcard but I had none in stock, but have now rectified the matter. When you return to Astakos you will be able to buy as many postcards as you like in my hardware shop and you will be delighted to hear they are cheaper than the ones in the supermarket.”

  Deirdre was lost for words at the sudden change in Bald Yannis’ manner, certain he had a chainsaw secreted somewhere on his person he would whip out at any moment. She thanked him for his generous gift of one free postcard but whispered to Quentin “I still don’t trust him.”

  Before anyone had a chance to partake of the delicious food, disaster struck. The Pappas’ goat Nero had wandered off and guzzled the big pan of mail order Masha’s infamous borscht and was now being violently sick all over Stavroula’s carefully prepared meze.

  Sensing the presence of the other goat, Bald Yannis’ darling pet Agapameni broke free of his hold and rushed to head butt the spit- cooked goat into the long weeds. “Don’t eat goat,” Bald Yannis screeched running after his pet “yous is not cannibal.”

  Agapimeni reacted in shock to Bald Yannis’ severe tone as she was only used to the softest of words from her new owner. She gambolled away from the now ruined food table and rushed over to head butt Nitsa violently in her bottom, throwing her back over the garden wall into Fotini’s garden. At the sight of the goat Foti
ni screamed in terror and fainted, and that old fool Vasilis was sent off on his donkey to drag the smitten young doctor back to revive her.

  “I think we should slip away quietly now with no fuss Did-Rees,” Quentin suggested, “it would be a pity to spoil everyone’s fun by making them sad at our departure.”

  “I agree, let’s get out of here quickly before anymore disasters unfold,” Deirdre replied, as the two Americans hot-footed it to their car where they collapsed with laughter.

  Chapter 123

  Quentin and Deirdre Fancy Greek Food

  Deirdre was hanging out of the car window trying to photograph as many goats as she could for posterity as Quentin negotiated the dangerous hairpin bends taking them away from Astakos.

  “I didn’t think we would leave our party hungry when so much food had been prepared,” Quentin complained as his stomach rumbled loudly.

  “I never even got to sample mail order Masha’s infamous borscht,” Deirdre said in dismay “but I look forward to trying it on our next visit.”

  “Do you want to see if you can find a McDonalds in the guide book?” Quentin asked his wife.

  “Oh no, I don’t fancy that at all,” Deirdre replied “but I could really kill a bit of spit-roast goat served up with some horta.”

  Accepting an olive Deirdre passed him from the jar she had secreted in her ample bra Quentin agreed, saying “goat and horta sounds perfect darling, keep your eyes peeled for a rustic taverna.”

  A Taste of Rampaging Roosters: Book 2 in the Greek Meze Series

  “Slow down, these hairpin bends are hazardous and you’ll likely get us all killed Quentin,” his mother Hattie instructed from the back seat.

  Quentin slowed the car down to a ludicrous five kilometres an hour, sighing inwardly at the sight of the long tail back of cars he could see in the rear view mirror, with their Greek drivers gesticulating rudely at him for holding them up.

  “Watch out for that goat,” Hattie shouted, spying a goat quite a distance away up a hill, minding its own business eating some olive cuttings. Hattie’s endless back seat driving was causing Quentin to curse the fact they had brought his bossy and over anxious mother all the way to Greece with them. It was the first time in her life she had ever left Idaho and the transition to foreign parts was sending his blood pressure haywire.

  “Oh I don’t know,” Deirdre piped up; trying to lighten the mood “a bit of road-kill goat would be well received where we are heading.”

  Her words cheered Quentin and the two shared fond smiles as they recollected how their previous encounter with a goat on this very road had led to their meeting with Adonis and their discovery of their new holiday home they were heading to now in Rapanaki. They couldn’t wait to see all the renovations Achilles the borrowed builder had made to the ‘Lemoni Spiti.’

  “Oh no, I will kill that borrowed builder Achilles when I get my hands on him,” Quentin exclaimed several hours later when he pulled the car up outside the completely untouched and still falling down ‘Lemoni Spiti.’

  I Hope You Enjoyed “Goat in the Meze.”

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  Thank you!

  If you would like to be notified when the next book in the Greek Meze series is available please feel free to contact me on katerinanikolas@outlook.com

  ~ Katerina Nikolas