The Flawed Heart Series

by Wade, Ellie

  I suppose we are similar in that way. We’re both comfortable with being the center of attention. However, Georgia is more adventurous than I am. I love to experience new places in comfort. Paris? I loved our trip there, but while Mom and I were shopping and dining at the best restaurants in the city, Georgia was touring Les Catacombes—also known as the Empire of Death. Apparently, it is an underground tomb, complete with musty dark tunnels and neatly stacked bones, like skulls and such from dead humans.

  No, thank you.

  Georgia is talking a mile a minute as she fills me in on the last two months of her European adventures. Something she said catches me off guard.

  “Wait, slow down. Did you just say you’re in Brazil?”

  “Yeah, I told you at the beginning that I’m in Manaus.” She appears a little irritated.

  “I didn’t know what that meant. I figured it was a city somewhere in Europe.”

  She sighs. “No, it’s in Brazil where Fabio’s parents live.” She looks so serious.

  I can’t hold in my laughter. “Fabio? You’re seriously flying across the world with a guy named Fabio?”

  “Jeez, London. Have you been listening to me at all?”

  “I’m sorry. I tried, but you’re talking so fast, and I’ve been kind of mesmerized by your tan. What’s up with that?”

  Georgia’s face lights up. “I know! It’s amazing, right? It’s a spray tan, but it looks totally real, doesn’t it?”

  I nod my head. “Yeah, it does. It’s so strange, seeing you with color. It’s like I can’t focus on anything else.” I laugh.

  She chuckles, flinging a lock of her long hair behind her shoulder. “Okay, because you were admiring my radiating skin, I’ll give you a pass.”

  We both laugh, and though she’s many miles away, she feels so close. In this moment, I realize how much I’ve missed not seeing her this summer. Our summers are usually spent traveling around with our mother. But Georgia wanted to gallivant around the globe with her friends, and I wanted to stay here to hang with Paige, ogle over Loïc, and apparently get a job. I’m still working on that last part—and by working, I mean, thinking about working on it. What can I say? This whole Loïc drama has been taking up a lot of my brainpower.

  When our laughter settles, Georgia continues, “I’m going to go over the details again, but listen up this time.”

  I nod in agreement.

  “So, I met Fabio in Spain when I was visiting Lolita.”

  We stayed in Spain one summer when we were younger, and my dad had business there. Lolita was the girl who lived across the street from our rental house. The three of us were inseparable and have remained in contact since then.

  “Fabio was visiting his cousin, who is Lolita’s next-door neighbor’s boyfriend’s friend from college.”

  “What?” I stare at the screen, confused.

  Georgia waves her hand. “It doesn’t matter. You know, everybody knows everybody over there. Lolita’s neighbor had a party, and I met Fabio there.”

  “But doesn’t his name weird you out?” I pull a face. “Wasn’t Fabio the muscled guy on all of Mom’s romance novels when we were little?”

  “I don’t care. I think it’s cute. His real name is Fabian, but when he was young, his brothers used to tease him by calling him Fabio, and I guess it stuck. It’s adorable.” She sighs, content.

  “You are coming back to the States next month to finish school, right?” I ask seriously.

  She has one year left before she’ll complete her degree at Stanford.

  Georgia’s lovesick eyes stare back at me. “Of course. I’m not stupid…but…” She trails off, looking sheepish.

  “What?” I ask hesitantly.

  “I’m probably just going to fly straight from here to Cali. I don’t have to stop at home for anything. All my stuff is at my apartment. I know I promised to hang out with you and Mom for at least a week before school started, but I’m having so much fun. I just…I want this summer to last as long as possible.”

  “Wow. Someone’s smitten.”

  She smiles. “I know. I totally am. I mean, who really knows if we’ll stay together after the summer? I hope so, but you know how it is. I just want to experience as much as I can with him before I leave. Plus, we have so many things left to do this summer. Next week, we’re flying to Peru to see Machu Picchu.”

  “Wow. You and Fabio sound like two adventurous peas in a pod. I get it. No worries. I will fly out this fall to spend the weekend with you. I’m sure Mom will, too. You enjoy your summer with your hottie. I’ve heard those Latino men are totally dreamy.”

  “That’s an understatement. So, Mom tells me that you’re all smitten for someone, too.”

  “Yeah, but he isn’t as all in as Fabio seems to be. It’s complicated.”

  “Well, tell me. I have ten minutes before I have to go. Fabio and I are going to explore this cave beneath a waterfall today. It’s supposed to be amazing. So, give me the nine-minute version, so I have a minute for my advice.”

  I laugh. “Okay.”

  I rush through the details of the last month from the car wash to our two seemingly-awesome-turned-failed dates to my current plan to get him back.

  “Oh, he sounds sexy. No wonder you are so hung up on him,” she responds after I finished talking.

  I can’t help but chuckle. “You think he sounds sexy, not crazy?” I shake my head. “I don’t mean crazy. It’s just that he has issues.”

  She shrugs. “So what? He has issues. He’s not your typical guy, so there must be something about him that makes you want to pursue him, and I’m guessing it’s his level of sexiness. I think it’s good that you’re falling for him.”

  “Why’s that?” I raise an eyebrow.

  “You always date these perfect Ivy League type guys, London. Yes, they’re always cute, and I suppose they’re sexy in their own way, but they’re all boring or douches. It’s annoying. They never stand up to you. They’re like your little show ponies. You parade them around while it suits you, and then you get bored and move on.”

  “I do not!”

  Georgia doesn’t flinch. “You do so. Loïc sounds drastically different than anyone you’ve ever dated, and for that reason alone, I like him. You need to live a little, London. I think Loïc can help you with that.”

  “Whatever,” I say for lack of a better response.

  “Don’t get all pissy. You know you tend to err on the side of caution. You like to be in control, in charge, the boss—”

  “I get it,” I cut her off.

  “All I’m saying is, I see why you’re hung up on him. He challenges you. That’s a good thing.”

  “So, where’s this brilliant advice?”

  “You said you were going to get him back, right?”

  I nod. “Yeah.”

  “Perfect. Then, I say you already have a great plan.”

  “What should I do?”

  She shrugs her shoulder. “I have no clue, but you’ll figure it out.”

  “That’s not remotely helpful,” I protest with a pout.

  Georgia laughs. “I gotta go. We’ll chat later.”

  “Fine,” I huff. “Go be with Fabio.” I wave my hand while saying Fabio with the best Spanish accent I can offer.

  “Keep me posted on your Loïc dilemma.”

  “I will. Love you. Be safe.”

  “Love you, too. And aren’t I always?” She winks and blows me a kiss.

  Before I can respond, she closes out of Skype, and I’m left with a blank screen.

  What a little brat. I just love her.

  Loïc

  Age Seventeen

  Phoenix, Arizona

  “One person can only lose so much before he starts to realize that he’s not strong enough to lose any more. ”

  —Loïc Berkeley

  I spy one of the most beautiful creatures I’ve ever had the privilege to love.

  Her thick, silky hair appears light blonde in the dim light, but I know, if w
e were in the sunlight, it would take on a reddish tint. With her recent haircut, it’s shorter than I’ve ever seen it, but thankfully, it still covers her breasts as she leans forward on my lap, naked from the waist up.

  I spy someone who breaks my heart every day, someone I don’t know how to help.

  “Sarah, what did you take?”

  “Oh, just a little something to take the edge off. You don’t need to worry about me,” she says in a slurred voice, barely able to keep her eyes open. “Let me worry about you. Let me make you feel good, Loïc. Let me love you. I’ll suck you, baby. I’ll ride you, or you can go in from behind. Whatever you want. Fuck me, Loïc. I promise, it will feel good.” Her words are desperate. They always are.

  And, like always, I turn her down. “Stop it. You know you don’t need to do that with me.” I gently lift her off of me and set her down on the cheap hotel bed.

  Lately, I’ve been lucky enough to secure some under-the-table odd jobs that pay a decent rate. We’ve been able to stay in this run-down motel for the past several months. It’s nice, having a roof over our head along with a shower and a bed. The motel is located in a shady part of Phoenix, but Sarah and I are no strangers to bad areas. She can find drugs anywhere we go, if she wants them bad enough. More often than not, she does.

  I don’t know what to do to help her. She begs me not to turn her in. She swears that she wouldn’t make it in another home, and I believe her. Sarah has been destroyed by all the monsters in her past—men who have abused her, scarred her, and left her with nothing but demons that invade her mind. She tries to fight them. I know she does. She doesn’t like being like this, but she hurts, and I don’t know how to make her better.

  Over the past couple of years, Sarah has offered me sexual favors more times than I can count. But she only does it because she doesn’t know how to show me that she cares for me in another way. She hasn’t had healthy relationships in her life to use as examples. Being used by men is all she knows. She thinks she owes me some sort of payment. She can’t grasp the fact that, because I love her, I could never take a piece of her. I would never accept payment in any form. She doesn’t owe me anything.

  And I do love her more than anything else in this world. She’s all I have. I would do anything to save her.

  Sarah and I panhandled and did various work around Texas until we eventually made it to Arizona. We never set out to come here. Honestly, we didn’t really care where we ended up as long as we were together and not put back into foster care. Once we got here, we decided to stay. Under-the-table jobs are easy to get here, which is helpful. The fact that we don’t freeze our asses off outside in the winter is also a strong check in the positives category. Sure, the hot-as-hell summers suck, but on the deathly hot days, we can find somewhere with air-conditioning to hang out. Even on the scorching days, the nights are manageable. But the biggest positive, especially for Sarah, is that it’s not Texas. We’ll never go back there.

  I love Sarah like a sister. I always have. It’s not that I don’t find her attractive because I do. She is the most beautiful person I’ve known, inside and out. But neither of us is emotionally stable enough to be lovers. That’s not what we need. What we both need is a friend, a confidant, someone to have our backs, someone who truly loves us…family. Sarah is my family, plain and simple. It’s her and me against the world.

  Unfortunately, Sarah doesn’t do well when she’s left alone, even when she promises me that she’ll be fine. I try to be with her as much as I can. I try to find jobs that we can do together. But it doesn’t always work out that way. She tells me that she’s going to go panhandle or shop for food or anything else that sounds reasonable. But, more often than not, when I come back, she’s crying and wasted. She doesn’t tell me how she pays for the drugs, but deep down, I already know.

  I know she’s in pain and that sex and drugs are her methods of numbness, but it kills me a little more every time it happens.

  I’ve spent countless days at the public library, researching ways to help her, both with her addiction and her mental well-being. But nothing I’ve tried works. I’ve been tempted to turn her in, so she can get help, but she told me that if I ever did that or left her, then she would kill herself, and I believe her. I can’t lose her. The world can’t lose her. She’s good. She’s pure. She’s special. And when she figures out how to see all of that in herself and get better, she’s going to make this world a better place. She has so much to give. I just have to figure out how to make her see that.

  “Come on.” I reach my hand out to her, and she takes it. “Let’s get you in a nice warm bath.”

  Sarah loves baths. Up until we were able to afford this room, they had been few and far between. Even growing up in different homes, she hadn’t been given the luxury of baths too often.

  The tub in this room wasn’t the most appealing when we first got here. But I went out and got some Comet and bleach, and I scrubbed the tub and the surrounding walls until they were shiny. Now, Sarah can take a bath whenever she wants.

  I lead her to the bathroom, start the water, and pour in the lavender bath bubbles that I picked up for her at the Dollar Store. She loves the smell of lavender, even the chemical-imposter variety.

  When the tub is full of water and bubbles, I turn to leave, but she grabs my arm.

  “Please don’t leave. Get in with me.” When I don’t answer, she gives me a pleading, “Please.”

  Sarah entered the bathroom in only her panties. So, after I strip down to my boxers, we both get in the water. I lean against the back of the tub, and she rests between my legs, her back to my front.

  We sit in silence for a few minutes before I ask gently, “Do you want to talk about it?”

  She shakes her head. She never wants to talk about it. I wish she would. I think it would help.

  “Are you sure? You can tell me anything. I’m here for you. You know that, right?”

  She nods, her long hair moving across my chest. “I know. Thank you.”

  I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to make her let me help her.

  “We could splurge on a movie?” I suggest, willing to do anything to make her feel better, to take her mind off of all the horrors in her head.

  We actually go see a movie a couple of times a month, but we usually go to a matinee because they’re cheaper, and only one of us pays. The one who pays sneaks the other one in through a back Exit door in the theater that isn’t monitored by cameras. Sometimes, we get lucky and spot a large group of friends walking in. We stick close to them, and when the attendant takes the pile of tickets, they assume everyone is accounted for.

  For being homeless, we have a pretty good life. Well, I guess some things could be better.

  I rest my head against the top of Sarah’s, and she leans back into me. My arms wrap around her waist, and I pull her in tight, letting her know that I’m here, that I love her.

  Finally, she answers, “No, not tonight. I’m not really in the mood.”

  “Okay.” I kiss the top of her head.

  “Loïc, promise me that you’ll never leave me.” Her voice comes out in a broken sob, and I know she’s crying.

  “You know I could never, would never.”

  “Promise.”

  “I promise, Sarah. I love you more than anything. I would never leave you. Nothing can tear us apart.”

  “Nothing can tear us apart,” she repeats softly.

  “Nothing.”

  “I love you, Loïc. I’m sorry about earlier. Can you forgive me?”

  “You don’t have to apologize, and you’re always forgiven because I love you. Nothing you could ever do would change that.”

  She turns to the side now, her cheek resting against my chest. “You saved my life,” she says softly. “No matter what happens, I need you to know that you saved my life, and I’m so thankful for you. You’re the best thing to ever happen to me.”

  “You’re the best thing to ever happen to me, Sarah. I don’t know how, bu
t I promise you that we’ll get through this. It won’t always hurt this much, okay?” I need her to believe my words even though I’m having a hard time believing them myself.

  “Okay,” she whispers.

  Sarah falls asleep against my chest, and I hold her until the water goes cold. I wake her enough to dry her off, get her dressed in something comfortable, and get her into bed.

  I fall asleep beside her, grateful that another storm has passed—at least for now. Tomorrow, I’m going to find a job that we can both do. I’m never leaving her alone again.

  I wake with a start. The bed is moving violently beneath me. The room is dark, and I fumble to find the light switch above the bed. I click it on, and the space floods with pale light.

  “Sarah!” I scream when I see her.

  She’s in the bed beside me, convulsing and spitting foam from her open mouth.

  “Sarah!” I shake her. “Oh my God, Sarah! Please don’t do this! Sarah! Sarah!” Tears fall down my face, and I pray to whoever will hear me.

  I reach for the cheap motel phone screwed onto the wall. When I pick up the receiver and listen, I don’t hear a dial tone.

  I hate this fucking place!

  I knew that the phone connection was hit or miss, but I’ve never cared as much as I do in this moment. I wiggle the cord attached to the receiver and push it up. Finally, I get a dial tone. I push 911 as fast as I can. Thankfully, the phone stays connected long enough for me to tell the operator everything that’s happening. I beg her to tell the paramedics to hurry.

  I don’t know what to do to help Sarah. She’s no longer shaking, but her mouth is ajar, and traces of spit are falling from it. Her eyes are closed, and she’s motionless. Her arm is dead weight, hanging limply off the side of the bed as I hold her in my lap. I rock her back and forth and beg her to stay. I blink back tears and notice the empty pill bottle and glass on the end table.