SEVENTEEN
Lovekink Bank and Trust
Replenish me, Master, for my well runs dry. - Kacie Cunningham
TIME, MONEY, AND ENERGY. WHAT DO THESE THREE words have in common? All of them are resources and resources are finite… you only get twenty-four hours in a day, a certain amount of money as income, and as much energy as you can sustain. We won’t address money or finance here, but they’ll be part of the analogy used to explain the concept of the Lovekink Bank and Trust, which we’ll call, for the sake of brevity, the bank.
You know how a checking account works: Money goes in, you take money out. You can only withdraw up to your available balance, and if there’s a mistake, you could end up overdrawn, which can be hugely expensive, in addition to being a hassle.
Relationships are like that too, in terms of time and energy. You have reserves of both, but if you overextend yourself, you could end up “broke,” so to speak, or even overdrawn (otherwise known as being at your wits’ end). Everything seems to make a withdrawal from this bank… going to work, cooking dinner, watching a movie, quality time with your partner, sex, D/S, kink… everything. Not just the things you have to do, but the things you want to do as well - because even though they’re positive things, they still require time and energy to accomplish; those resources have to be there, or you simply can’t do them. If you try, you often find that something that should have been fun simply isn’t… you may end up frazzled, stressed, irritable, and just generally not enjoying yourself. In cases like this, often you find that you’re upset with yourself for not being able to let go and just enjoy.
This analogy of the Lovekink Bank and Trust came about one day when I was having a conversation with a submissive friend of mine and we were trying to figure out how to describe this particular concept, as it relates specifically to D/S. We both felt that there were times when we had to continue withdrawing our submission (a type of energy, and therefore a resource) from our banks while there were no deposits of dominance being made. Let me give you an example.
Mary and John have a pretty good routine going for their D/S. They have a few small daily rituals which help to keep them centered, and one of the ways that Mary is supposed to keep her submissive state of mind is to always use John’s title (which is Master), word questions in a particular way, and follow all of the household rules. Meanwhile, John is supposed to offer consistent discipline, support, love, and supervision to Mary. This balance, when it is working as it should, feeds them both, effectively making deposits into their banks, providing energy for them each to withdraw in order to continue on. However, what if John stops holding up his end of this bargain? For whatever reason, he begins to slack off on his duties as Mary’s master… he stops being actively dominant (covered in Chapter 14), and yet expects Mary to continue with all that is expected of her. For a time, Mary can do this - she has enough reserves to see her through a bit of a lean time, for instance, if John falls ill or suddenly has to work a lot of overtime for a few days. However, after those reserves are expended, Mary will begin noticing that she cannot keep doing those things in the same way she has. One of two things will happen (or possibly a bit of both)… either she will begin doing less and less, or she will try to keep doing it all, but it will not be with the same spirit as before, because those emotional resources just aren’t being fed. If this imbalance goes unchecked for a long period of time, Mary will cease performing submissive actions altogether, because she simply does not have what it takes to do so.
Of course, this example could go the other way as well, with Mary being the one to stop making deposits into the bank, which is important to note. D/S is symbiotic by nature, and if one party stops pulling his or weight, the other is going to feel the additional load before long. Though either one can manage the weight alone for a while, no one can do it indefinitely.
The difference is that, many times, if the submissive is the one who begins to slack off a bit, the dominant in the relationship will immediately notice and set out to remedy the situation, often through disciplinary action (even if it is so mild as a lecture). This action is a deposit, and will often be sufficient to bring the submissive back to her routine. But when the dominant is the one who isn’t doing his part, there is often little that the submissive feels that she can do to fix the problem… after all, it isn’t like she can punish him, right? So instead, she often wonders what failing on her part has caused this change, and might try to make it right through her own actions. This causes her to expend a great deal of those reserves very quickly, and this may, unfortunately, go unnoticed by her dominant, since she has acted without speaking to him. This flies in the face of good communication (as you well know by now).
Most often, this tends to happen during times of stress and upheaval. If one of you stops depositing toward your D/S account, eventually the other runs out of reserves. This means that now neither of you is getting deposits, because neither of you has anything left. Sadly, this often results in D/S getting so far off balance that it can take a heroic effort to save the relationship, if it can be saved at all. By the time one of you notices what’s happening, you’re both effectively “broke,” in terms of D/S, and neither of you has the seed money, so to speak, to invest in trying again.
There is a way around this problem, though. In real life, if you run out of money, you can take out a loan (to grossly oversimplify). The same is true in D/S… if you run out of D/S reserves, and need some resources to begin investing in your D/S again so that you can see some return, you’ll need to take out a loan. This loan will at first be in the form of time, which you will then turn into energy, which you will deposit into your partner’s bank, at which point he will match that with a deposit into your bank. The way to start this process is to determine where to get the time that you’ll need in order to work on this problem. If you don’t have a lot of spare time, it will likely mean that something else will have to give a little (i.e. maybe you skip TV time before bed and spend it on D/S instead). Then you use that time in a way that feeds your kinky selves, and this is the step where the time is made into energy, and that is then deposited into one another’s accounts. Do this a few times, and you’ll really start to notice a difference. Now, you’re both on your way to becoming solvent again. It will take time and work, but if you keep it up, your investment will grow, and before you know it, you’ll be sitting pretty, once again in the black on the D/S books. (Wow, this analogy just keeps on giving!) This process of getting back on track is covered thoroughly in Chapter 14, so check there if you need more information.
The real trick, though, is to fully understand how the symbiosis of this bank really works, and to balance it often enough that you can catch these problems early. Just like a real checking account, the earlier you notice a problem, the easier it is to fix. Even though it’s true that because he is the dominant, he has the ability to discipline you to bring you back around, you are not helpless just because you can’t do the same to him. As the submissive, you will have to approach it differently, but you can still address the issue. Remember that you have as much responsibility to the relationship as he does. The means that everything you do which furthers the health and functionality of that relationship is, at the core, an expression of devotion and loyalty to it, and hence, to him.
If you observe that your Master seems to be getting a bit lazy, first balance the books. This is crucial, so don’t skip this step! You have to be certain that your balance sheet is clear… that is, that you haven’t slacked off without noticing, thereby causing the whole problem. (If that turns out to be all it is, then just fix that little error, and often the problem will resolve itself.) If, after checking the account balances, you determine you have been keeping up on your end, but he hasn’t, set some time aside to speak to him about it. Remember to use positive methods of communication - don’t attack him, and don’t be hostile or accusatory. It’s enough to say, “I’ve noticed that you haven’t been ________________ lately. Is somethin
g wrong?” That will open things up, letting him know you are aware of it, and it may make him aware of it, if hadn’t realized there was a problem before. This will also give him an opportunity to be heard. From there, continue using good communication until the issue is resolved. Remain flexible… it may be that something simply wasn’t working for him and he let it go, so the process may require a bit of negotiation. Keep in mind that your goal is to resolve the issue so everything balances again, even if it means things are not exactly as they were previously. If you find that you’re having a hard time explaining yourself, or understanding him, feel free to ask him to read this chapter. Sometimes an outside resource is enormously helpful.
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention just how easy it is to affect the balance sheets in our favor, fellow submissives, without ever saying a word. If you can manage the trick effectively, it will flow back to your dominant like dividends, and you will both reap the rewards. The trick is to know your dominant. Know what makes him tick, what makes him feel powerful and dominant and in control. Then use that knowledge to your advantage… give him those things. Feed his dominance. Make deposits like crazy. Yes, it takes energy to do this, but if you’ve got it, this is a great investment. If your relationship is functioning in a healthy way overall and you feed his dominance like this, what almost always happens is that he responds in kind. You are giving more of yourself, and he is therefore receiving more, so he then has more to work with, and hence, more to give to you. Ahhh, the beauty of symbiosis at its best.
If you do this, and he does not respond in kind, there are several ways you can handle it. First, though I know it hurts, try not to be angry. Remember, he had no idea you were doing this, and it’s unfair to be mad at him for not doing what you thought he would. Second, talk to him about it. Explain that you have been trying so hard to be the very best that you could be, in the hopes that it would inspire him to really dig into his dominance, that you were trying to feed him in order to make your relationship even better, so you could keep growing together. He will likely be so touched by your care and effort that this conversation is all it will take… it’s possible that he simply didn’t notice your efforts before! (Don’t be disheartened though - life is stressful and sometimes the little things just don’t make it onto our radars. It’s probably no reflection on your effort if he didn’t notice right away.)
Remember that you are just as much an account holder as he is, and that even though you’re the submissive, you’ve got to be held accountable for your end. That means bringing it to his attention when things aren’t adding up, in addition to always working to keep up your end of the bargain.
EIGHTEEN
And Now, It’s Time for a Parable.
Most of our obstacles would melt away if, instead of cowering before them, we should make up our minds to walk boldly through them. - Orison Swett Marden
I DREAMT. IN MY DREAM, I WAS SITTING UNDER A SHADY, leafy tree. It was green and peaceful where I was, on the edge of a small clearing in a bright forest. I remember feeling oddly unsettled about my surroundings, but feeling also as if I belonged there. My back was pressed against the tree, and I was wearing no armor. In my hands was my diary, only all of the pages were blank. Panicked, I flipped through and through. As I flipped pages, I could see text flutter by, but every time I tried to turn to it, it would fade away to virgin parchment. As this was happening, I began to notice a wet warmth trickling down my back and sides. I noticed that it hurt, and curious, I looked over my shoulder. Wound around the tree was a briar vine, with long, vicious thorns. Realizing that this was what was hurting me, and that I was bleeding, I tried to stand. The thorns gripped me, and held me fast, and I was even more frightened. I dropped the diary, and pushed against the soft, moss-covered ground with both hands. I succeeded only in hurting my back against the relentless thorns, for still they did not release me.
Suddenly, I had the overwhelming sense that I was not alone, and so I whipped my head around. Standing a little way in front of me and slightly to my right was a woman. She was dressed simply, in a gown of white, and she looked very familiar. Her skin was translucent, her hair shimmered vibrantly and reflected so much light that it was impossible to determine its color. Her lips were gently curved, and her hands clasped in front of her. She had about her an air of timeless patience, and gentle, benevolent amusement. Enraged that she would be silently laughing at my predicament, I demanded that she assist me. She only smiled and said nothing. Furious, I cursed at her. Still, she stood, and the thorns held fast. Fear began to edge out the anger, and resignation crept round the edges of my mind. But it felt like defeat, like giving in, and so I railed against it.
After a time of internal struggling, during which she simply watched silently, still smiling gently, I looked up at her. “Why are you here?” I asked her.
She blinked, and replied, “I am here to help you.” Her voice sounded like wind, or the ocean, or some other indescribable thing, unless one is a poet, which I am regrettably not. It was soft, at any rate, and carried a note of the same amusement so evident on her face.
Frustrated and disbelieving, I gestured to my predicament. “Well, now would be a good time to start,” I retorted angrily.
She shook her head. “The chains which bind you are of your own making.”
I opened my mouth to inform her that I was stuck on thorns, not bound by chains, but something caused me to look down at my own body. And there wrapped around me were fine chain links, holding me to the tree and its briar vine. They were wrapped around my torso, from waist to shoulders, and made of the finest metal. They glimmered and shone, deceptively beautiful and delicate, but their strength was formidable. I grasped at them and pulled, but they did not budge. Confused and afraid, I looked back up at her. I did not understand how I had not noticed them before.
“I don’t understand,” I said, pained. “What’s happening? Why am I here? What is this place?”
The woman spread her hands wide in a graceful arc. “All you see here, you have wrought,” she said. “See there,” she went on, pointing to my left. I looked, and saw a meandering path winding away into the forest in front of me, but after a short way, the forest and path were obscured by a thick, swirling mist. “That is the path you have chosen.”
I looked back to her. “Then why,” I asked with deliberate patience, “am I not on it?”
She looked back at me, amused again. “Because you are bound to that tree,” she replied simply. Gritting my teeth, I expanded on my question.
“Yes, but why am I bound to this tree?” I asked.
“Because you thought it preferable to continuing forward. You would rather be bound fast to that which hurts you, than brave the unknown.”
I scoffed. “That’s ridiculous!” However, I had a kernel of doubt.
“Then stand,” the woman invited, gesturing. “And walk.”
Knowing full well I couldn’t stand, I glared at her. She was silent. Finally, I asked her, “How?”
“You created those chains, those thorns… that tree, and path, and mist. Everything here is your creation. So,” she went on, as if she was explaining how to make a cup of tea, “simply create a solution.”
“But how?” I asked, frustrated with her cryptic words.
“First, you must believe that you can. Second, you must give yourself permission. And thirdly, make manifest here what you truly desire.”
Though what she said seemed impossible, the chains holding me were real enough. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Behind my closed lids, I saw myself walking down the path with the mist clearing away before me. But I felt no different, and I frowned with my eyes still closed.
“See?” I said, without opening them. “You’re wrong, I can’t…” As I opened my eyes, my words were lost. I was standing on the path, the pain in my back gone as if it had never been. I looked at the tree. The vines and chains hung from it, almost hungrily. I looked back at the woman, who seemed pleased for me, and still
a bit amused. “How…?” I asked wonderingly.
“Simply by deciding, you have affected your fate. Every choice we make directs our fates, and you have chosen yours.” With this, she walked closer, and I could see the shadows in her eyes. She was not as light as her appearance led me to first believe. “I hope only that you have chosen wisely.” She swept an arm to indicate the path before me. The mist was gone now, and I saw that the path ahead was overgrown and hostile. There were eyes which seemed to belong to animals glowing out of the underbrush, a foul wind stirred the bare branches of trees, and the path was made of broken stones. Vines hung from branches, and seemed to be choking the life out of everything. My heart sank. I turned from the path to ask her how I was to traverse such a place… but she was gone.
I turned back to the tree which had held me, and ran to retrieve my diary. As I did, the briar vines and the chains seemed to reach for me, but I eluded them. Without opening my diary, I hurried back to where I had stood on the path. Behind me, it was smooth, inviting. Before me, wild and hostile. Taking a deep breath, I ruthlessly quashed the rising fear in me, and took a step forward.
Conquer Me: girl-to-girl wisdom about fulfilling your submissive desires Page 9
