And I woke up.
Okay, you caught me - it wasn’t a real dream. A parable is a story intended to show a principle or lesson. So, the moral of the story is… once you take responsibility for your troubles, you have given yourself the power to create solutions. I know, I know - we’d all like to think that things are someone’s else’s fault, and sometimes that’s true. But a great deal of the time, trouble is of our own creation, whether we intended it or not. Taking responsibility is the only way to have the power to change it. After all, if we were powerless to stop it from occurring in the first place, how on earth can we think to change anything?
This clearly applies to life in general. But, specific to D/S, the point is that not everything is the master’s fault. There is often a misconception that because he is the master, the leader, the head cheese, things that go wrong are his responsibility. But the fact is that in any relationship, it takes two, so when things go wrong, it’s mostly likely due to both of you. Own up to your part of things and work on solutions, instead of complaining about, or arguing over, the problem. I know it sounds difficult, but you’d be amazed at how empowering it can be.
NINETEEN
Crystal Balls, Soap Bubbles and Acceptance
If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere. - Frank A. Clark
SOMETIMES, SUBMISSIVES RESIST. DON’T FALL OVER IN shock or anything, it’s not like I’m revealing a deep, dark secret here. I know that I’ve talked about some of the reasons why this might happen in other chapters, but here we’ll talk about some other possible causes. Then there’s the conundrum of acceptance - what is it, how necessary is it, and how on earth do you accomplish it? But let’s tackle one thing at a time… we’ll get there.
Over the past five or so years, I’ve given a lot of thought to why submissives resist certain things, and I think I’ve got it pretty well narrowed down. I think it’s important for submissives to understand the underlying causes and reasons for why they do the things they do, including resist. I know many (and I often fall into this category) who resist something even though they don’t want to be defiant or disobedient, and they don’t always know why they’re doing it, even in the moment it’s happening.
One of the reasons submissives resist is shame. (There’s a pretty in-depth discussion of shame in Chapter 21, so we’ll just cover the basics here.) Often, the act in question is one that the submissive hasn’t yet come to terms with wanting, usually because of some taboo association. The whole “good girls don’t” sort of thing falls into this category. Or it could be something that the submissive really doesn’t want, because of a sense of shame. In that event, she should determine if it is a hard limit for her. If it isn’t, she must find a way to work through it.
I know that for me, the only way I can get past this feeling in order to obey in a true and deep spirit of submission is if Master makes it clear to me that I will be a “good girl” if I comply with his request. I must believe that he will love and respect me afterward, and that by obeying, I am serving the higher purpose of growing within my submission, under his dominance. It has been my experience that this works for many, but not all, submissives. However, it seems that each one has her trigger, so if this particular approach doesn’t work for you, you can work with your dominant (or alone, or with a mentor figure, if you’re not currently in a D/S relationship) to figure out what the “button” is, so to speak, that will help you get past this particular hurdle. Maybe for you all it will take is making your submission your highest goal, with everything else secondary to it for a little while, so you can obey from that place in your heart.
Another thing that often causes resistance in submissives is the idea of saying, “I want” or “I need.” I know we talked about this before when we discussed communication, but I’m specifically talking about occasions such as during a scene, or sex, when you’re in that moment and you want to express a desire or need, but just can’t bring yourself to do it. Often, the reason behind this inability is an issue of control… the submissive feels that asking for something oversteps her boundaries, and indicates that she is trying to take control of the situation, and she may fear this because she doesn’t want to be seen as a girl who is difficult, noncompliant, or worse, topping from the bottom.
Assuming this difficulty applies to you, let me put this to you in terms you might not have heard before, dear reader. If you’re in a D/S relationship, or just having a scene or kinky sex with a dominant partner (which would imply some sort of relationship, even if only friendship), then accept the fact that your dominant partner should receive a couple of things as a matter of due course. If you’re engaged in these types of behaviors with someone, it should be someone you feel you can talk to, at least to a certain degree. He has the right to know what’s going through your head if it might affect him. So if you want something, you should ask for it. He has the right to refuse you. This is important to remember, because it alleviates the feeling that you’re taking control. What you’re actually doing is providing an opportunity for him to exercise control, because he can then choose whether or not he will grant your request. (Also, the seconds of shivery anticipation while you wait to see which it will be can be delightfully nerve-wracking.) If you approach the idea with this spirit of submission, you are likely to find that you are not topping from below, you’re actually feeding his dominance! Keep in mind that in order to maintain your inner feelings of submission, you should try to accept his decision with a grateful heart, whatever that decision may be. But we’ll talk about acceptance later.
Of course, there’s also the fear of rejection, which is often a culprit for causing us to balk. This tends to happen most when we’re emotionally invested in making a particular request, or worried about a particular command. For instance, maybe you don’t want to ask your dominant to do a certain sexual thing to you, even though you love it, because you’re afraid he’ll say no. If he says no and rejects your request, you may well end up feeling that he’s really rejected you, not simply that thing you wanted. It’s pretty common to personalize like this, and apply something to ourselves on a deep level which wasn’t intended that way, especially if he denies the request abruptly or in a manner we find hurtful (such as with laughter, disgust, or even no emotion at all, with an overly casual manner). Or perhaps he’s asked something of you and you’re afraid that if you do it, he will lose his positive feelings for you. (Hey, it might not be rational, but we really do think like that sometimes.)
Try to keep in mind that he’s with you. He’s chosen you to be with in that moment, or in that relationship, and that means something. He has his reasons for doing so, and the odds are good that he didn’t decide to be with you just so he could reject you later, and make you feel bad on purpose. (And if he did, you’re better off without the asshole, anyway.) So when you hesitate to ask for something or to obey a command because you’re afraid that it will result in his rejection of you, tell him that. Keep it simple. I’ve actually used the following explanation when talking to my Master about this problem: “I’m afraid if I do that, you’ll think I’m gross.” Or whatever your fear is at that time. If you do work up the nerve to ask for it in spite of this fear and he does say no, tell him if you’re taking it personally. There’s a good chance he’ll talk you through it and you’ll end up feeling much better about it in the end. Be gentle, though… you might catch him off-guard with this kind of emotional honesty, so if it takes him a minute to get his bearings, try to be patient with him.
Something else that can cause resistance is the fear of appearing too needy. This is particularly true when it comes to communicating. Also, submissives worry that to express a need or desire somehow indicates that she is, in effect, saying to her dominant that he is inadequate, or falling short in some way, or that he is failing her by not meeting her needs. So not only does she not want the label of “needy,” which has a negative connotation in our society, she doesn’t want him to think that she is
unfulfilled with him.
The best way that I have found to get around this particular obstacle is to take a deep breath and do it in spite of the fear. It helps that Master has spent years explaining that he doesn’t think I’m overly needy, and has spent those same years conditioning me to be very open with him. I think most submissives will find that, over time within their own relationships, the same thing will happen. Most Dominants want to know their submissives intimately, and often time is the only thing that will ease this fear. On the other hand, the fear of giving the Dominant the idea that he is somehow inadequate when we communicate a need or want is easily alleviated by simply using good communication techniques. As long as you don’t imply that, and are quick to reassure him if he gets to feeling that way, this problem should be easily overcome.
There are other reasons why submissives resist, as well. One of them is that she might be having “conquer me” feelings, or might be struggling with one or more of the issues discussed in the chapter about topping from the bottom. But one of the biggest reasons that I have noticed, both in myself and other submissives, is that of boundaries.
Submissives in general want to know where the lines are, and we’ll walk right up to the edge of them, toe them a little bit, slip over ever so slightly… all in the name of discovering exactly where and how firm they are. One of the tools for exploring those boundaries is to resist a little bit. Sometimes, we have to come up against those rules hard before we know that they will not yield, and that we can therefore trust them to be strong and steady. During a discussion that we had once about this very subject, I explained this idea to Master using a metaphor. I said, “Essentially, it’s like we submissives are in this clear hollow ball. We want it to be made of crystal, safe and solid. We can’t help ourselves, we have to know if it is or not, so we poke at it. Because you know, it might be a soap bubble, and the only way to find out is to test it.”
That really kind of sums it up, folks. We have to know, it is in our nature. We must be certain that we can count on that ball being crystal-solid, not as fragile and fleeting as a bubble. In order to do that, we have to resist and see what happens. We don’t do it to be bad, of course, or because we don’t want to be submissive to you. We do it because we must, because we are compelled to always be aware of the boundaries, to literally feel and experience them so that we can know them. We’re always experimenting with the rules, like scientists, to see if the same results will occur predictably and reliably when they are pushed, bent, or broken. We crave that consistency. This is often one of those things where a submissive catches herself resisting and gets exasperated at herself for doing it, because she truly desires nothing more than to be a good girl, yet she can’t seem to help herself! Ultimately, though, it’s a healthy thing to do, even if it sometimes does make the dominant want to tear his hair out in frustration. (Purely an unfortunate side effect, of course.)
Ah, you thought I’d forgotten about acceptance! I haven’t. Earlier I mentioned the need to accept the dominant’s decisions with a grateful heart. How, you wonder, is this possible when I didn’t get what I wanted? Because, if you think about it, you are getting what you want, even when he refuses you something. One of the smartest women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing said once that “Self-discipline is remembering what you really want.” How brilliant, right? So let’s use a light example.
Imagine you need permission in order to eat chocolate and you’re out to dinner with some kinky friends one night. You ask permission to share the dessert that the other submissives are sharing - a gooey confection of brownies and ice cream and hot fudge, big enough for several people. He smiles at you and quietly tells you no, so that only you can hear. You have a few options. Do you pout and whine and beg? Do you sulk about it on the inside, while you pretend that it’s just fine? Do you obey the order but slyly manage to not speak to him again the entire evening until you’re alone? Do you act like you’re being obedient but sneak a bite at the first opportunity? Do you smile softly and say, “Thank you, Sir,” genuinely grateful that he chose that moment to exercise his dominance over you? (Don’t worry, I’m not usually that perfect either, though we all have our good moments.)
That last one is an example of accepting with a grateful heart. We all manage it now and again, but perhaps not as often as we should. The trick is to simply remind yourself of what you really want. Is your highest goal to taste that dessert, or to have a fulfilling, happy, healthy D/S relationship? What is more important… chocolate, or embracing and enhancing your submission? Which would you rather have, a sweet mouthful or the sweet knowledge that you’re working toward something greater within yourself? Keep in mind what your real goals are, and you may find that acceptance comes to you more easily and more often than it ever has before.
TWENTY
This Is a Job For… Super-Subbie!
We are fallible. We certainly haven’t attained perfection. But we can strive for it and the virtue is in the striving. - Carlos P. Romulo
SURE, SUPER-SUBBIE MAY SOUND LIKE THE ULTIMATE goal, but do not be deceived. There are actually two types, and sadly, neither possesses superpowers. One is the submissive who is obsessed with being perfect, and she runs herself ragged, constantly trying to attain that perfection. The other is the submissive who is, frankly, so full of herself that she believes she is perfect, and that no one can ever possibly measure up to her. For fun, let’s call the first Super-subbie Syndrome Type A, and the second Super-subbie Syndrome Type B.
Super-subbie Syndrome Type A is the phenomenon of a submissive suffering an obsessive need to be perfect - more so than simple perfectionism, which is common among submissives. It’s different in that people with super-subbie syndrome often take on far more than they can adequately handle, run themselves into the ground trying to do it all, and perfectly at that, then suffer debilitating fatigue and irritability. To make matters even worse, they’re usually also plagued by racking guilt at what they imagine is their own failure to be perfect, as well as guilt over being tired and cranky, after they’ve managed to physically and mentally exhaust themselves.
Let’s talk about a particular submissive, for the sake of clarity. We’ll call her Ann. As I explain this, try to determine how many of these traits you exhibit… you might be surprised.
Ann is a natural neat-freak, and so is her master. She’s an educated professional, and so is he, both with jobs which are demanding on their time and energy. She likes to read, write, and knit, and is trying to learn to sew. They like to spend time with friends, and they’re polyamorous, so they’re currently forging a relationship with a third person. Ann’s master is also a musician with a fully equipped music room, where he spends much of his free time when he’s not working.
Now that you’ve been introduced, let’s talk a little about Ann. Her work day usually lasts anywhere from eight to eleven hours - then when she gets home, she’s got a large, four-bedroom house to keep clean. There are dinners to cook, grocery shopping to do, errands to run, children to tend… the list goes on.
How on earth, you ask yourself, does she find time to submit under these circumstances? Well, to Ann, tending to all of these things is an aspect of her submission. Everything she does which isn’t left for her master to do makes his life easier, which is a core tenet of submission. On the other hand, there’s a downside to all of this as well.
You see, Ann is as human as the rest of us, with needs and limits of her own. She gets stressed, and tired, and overwhelmed, and then suffers terrible guilt for these feelings, which she sees as negative. She sometimes gets irritable. And here’s the kicker… at this point, she isn’t making her master’s life any easier. If she’s exhausted and grumpy, it’s going to impact him negatively. Even though she realizes this, she still often falls into the trap of biting off more than she can chew and, in her obsession to be perfect, she doesn’t allow herself much time to relax and recharge. To her, these things are never finished; there is always something that needs to b
e done. She feels that if she doesn’t accomplish these things, then she has failed, which is intolerable to her.
What often happens is that she pushes herself beyond her limits and then has nothing left to devote to more active forms of submission. Not only that, but she keeps herself so busy with her own unrealistic expectations that her master often has little room to request anything else, because he sees how busy she is and doesn’t want to add to it. It is likely that he has needs which go unmet. And because he isn’t asking anything more kink-related of her than grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning, she often feels unfulfilled, which only adds to the feelings of exhaustion and irritability, because she feels she’s not getting anything back for what she puts in.
Crazy, right? Basically, this comes down to one core issue: Ann is so busy trying to meet her own ideas of perfection that her Master’s ideas have no room to exist. It seems easy on the surface to say, “Well, stop that then.” Sure, it’s that simple, but simple doesn’t necessarily mean easy, as we all no doubt are aware.
So, since Ann has a terminal case of super-subbie syndrome, how can it be treated? The cure often comes in the form of a master being aware of what is happening, and putting a stop to it. Ann’s master is a smart guy, and has a healthy sense of what I call “enlightened self-interest.” Sure, it’s nice having a spotless home … right down to that scary place behind the refrigerator, which Ann actually cleans on a regular basis… but there are more important things in life, and Ann has made a lot of progress over the past couple of years. Of course, the healing can start with the submissive as well. If she realizes what she is doing, and takes steps to correct it, that’s often even better: since it comes from her rather than him, it can help to alleviate some of the guilty feelings.
Conquer Me: girl-to-girl wisdom about fulfilling your submissive desires Page 10
