or cycles, but beats, breaths. It moves in me, a physical
sensation, and I sigh with it. I wander past the window,
and the night is heavy, cool and windy, the moon is full,
but I can’t see it, only the pale outline in the overcast sky
gives it away. It’s looked like rain all day, but the rain
never fell, like my heart holding its tears.
It is the need, I think, to kneel, to yield, to give,
and have that taken from me, accepted utterly without
reservation. It is the need to see hot eyes staring into me, the
need to know that I have no need to hide, no place
to hide. It always comes back to this, this hunger to be
fully expressed in my submission. It is what is left after
fear and pride have been burned away, leaving only the
essence, the purity behind. It is me.
TWENTY-FOUR
The Myth about Surrender
I think I fear less the surrender than the depth of my own yearning. - Kacie Cunningham
OVER THE PAST SEVERAL YEARS, I’VE COME TO UNDERSTAND just what a sticky topic surrender is; it seems to be the kinky equivalent of religion or politics.
The general definition of surrender is to yield something to another, typically after a demand is made. For the purposes of the lifestyle, this term often seems to be used interchangeably with “submit,” and admittedly, they’re synonyms, after a fashion. However, within the lifestyle, it carries with it the connotation that the one surrendering is doing so without having been compelled or coerced into doing so. In other words, in common kinky usage it seems to mean “to submit oneself to another’s will in the absence of demand or duress.” To illustrate, imagine two nations. One sends a message to the other which invites surrender, but makes no demands or threats. Nations typically surrender only after being conquered, and people typically surrender under the same circumstances; when all else has failed and there is no viable alternative. The nation who receives such an invitation is unlikely to surrender - even if it wishes to be under the rule of the other, it will likely fear a trap and so decline, and wait to see what happens next.
Many have tried to convince me that this is not so within the lifestyle, or at least that it shouldn’t be. I’ve spent years talking to people about this, both dominant and submissive. All but one dominant stated that surrender is completely separate from conquering (or “breaking,” as some put it) a submissive, and that surrender given only after conquering is not true surrender, as if the act of surrender is somehow less “pure” for having been demanded. The submissives whom I’ve asked have offered a distinctly different viewpoint. They seem to feel that if surrender is not compelled, it is nearly impossible to give it. Most have expressed a desire to be able to do it without the necessity of demand, but also expressed a lingering inability to actually manage it.
Among submissives, it seems that “surrender” is somehow bigger, or deeper, than “submit,” and more complete. One woman put it quite well when she told me, “Submission is a feeling, and an action. Surrender is a state.” When I asked her to elaborate, she explained that one can be submissive, and one can do submissive things, but surrender requires more commitment - because once it’s done, it remains even in the absence of submissive action. She claimed that being surrendered also made it much easier to hold on to submissive feelings, and to “tap into” them.
This is only the opinion of one woman, but whether you agree with her or not, it’s important to keep in mind that surrender is the goal of many submissive women. Another woman had the following to say: “If I could have Kinkerbell come to me to grant me a wish, I’d wish to be able to surrender without all the struggle.” (Kinkerbell, naturally, is the patron fairy of us kinky people.) It would seem that surrender is not at all effortless, but there are many who wish it were. On the other hand, anything worth having is worth working for.
I know that surrender is something I have personally struggled with, perhaps more than any other single issue within the lifestyle. One thing that makes it more difficult is that surrender seems to result in growth. Just when you think you’ve surrendered everything, you discover something else, and it seems that rather than simply adding the new issue to what you’ve already surrendered, you’ve got to start all over again. It’s like a pasture, with fences put up on the original borders, and every so often, more land is acquired and so the fences must laboriously be moved to the new boundary. And just when the fence posts are comfy and the grass is growing in around them, it’s time to do it all over again.
So many issues of submission come back to fear, but perhaps none so poignantly as the concept of surrender. Once, I was working hard at mastering third-person speech* and was having a great deal of difficulty with it. The obstacle was being able to give up my idea of myself, and use phrases which removed my sense of self. I was very afraid of the feeling it created, of what that feeling meant. What finally got me through it was realizing it was required of me, and it was safe to briefly let go of parts of myself in order to make me more open. That safety was absolutely necessary - otherwise, I’d probably still be struggling.
I had very similar feelings when the issue of surrender would arise, even after overcoming my difficulty with third person speech. The thing about surrender is that it can’t be given fearfully. It must be given in trust. To let go, to surrender, is to step into the darkness of the unknown. We’ve all heard that old parable:
“Come to the edge,” he said.
“We can’t,” they said, “We’ll fall!”
“Come to the edge,” he said.
They came, he pushed them… and they flew.
With Master, it often feels more like he says, “Come to the edge.” I say, “I can’t.” He tells me again, and so I go and I look over the edge and he will not push me. I know that if I jump, I will fall quite a long way before I can build my wings. Frankly, I think I’d be a fool not to understand the gravity of the situation (no pun intended!), and fear is a natural response to that.
* Third-person speech removes personal pronouns like “I” “me” “my” and “mine” and instead utilizes phrases such as “this girl” or “this slave” depending on the master’s preference. It is often an exercise in humility and, sometimes, objectification.
In the past, I tried all sorts of things to get hold of my surrender so that I could offer it up as I thought I should. I have tried to tear it out of myself with force; I’ve tried to sneak up on it and take it by surprise; I’ve tried convincing myself that I had already done it, in the hopes that if I convinced myself that it would then somehow be true. For a long time, I struggled with the fear that I was somehow incapable of surrendering myself as I longed to do. I feared I would finally get there, inside of myself to where I could find my surrender and free it, and would discover only emptiness. I also had the fear that I would finally reach surrender, after all the work and struggle, to find I had only touched the tip of the iceberg, that surrender would be so massive I would never be able to really get there. I feared surrender was bigger than I.
Perhaps most frightening of all was the fear that Master didn’t desire my surrender. In the interest of full disclosure, I confided this fear in him, and he told me my fear was groundless, that of course he wanted it. However, simply being told wasn’t enough. I felt I needed to see it in action, through both of us being active within our dynamic. This goes back to safety, as previously mentioned. I feared Master didn’t want such a level of absolute depth, so I didn’t feel safe, because I don’t want to be or do anything that he cannot accept. I want to be pleasing to him, always, and fearing his rejection ofthat part of me made it impossible for me to achieve.
Then there’s the relationship between surrender and conquering, which is maddeningly circular. As I mentioned before, many dominants have expressed to me that a submissive who has been conquered has not surrendered, because surrender cannot be taken by force, which woul
d be the case if it were given only after she were conquered (or “broken”). According to this popular wisdom, in order for surrender to be genuine, it must come completely from within her, from her own free will and choice, and not because it has been coerced in any way. This has never made sense to me, and I finally figured out why: submissives enter into D/S relationships by choice. Therefore, it stands to reason that if she is conquered into surrender during the course ofthat relationship (assuming that it was a goal of hers), then it is ultimately of her own free will, and her dominant has simply helped her in her growth so that they could achieve that goal. If one of the ways he does this is through conquering her, all that matters is that the goal is met. In this case, the ends justify the means, if both parties are happy with the outcome. This should in no way cause her to feel as if her surrender is somehow tainted simply because of how it was done.
I also mentioned above that I spoke to many submissives about the issue of surrender, and nearly all of them agreed they couldn’t surrender without some element of compulsion. I know in my case, the element of compulsion is absolutely necessary because it is a way to allow me to be convinced that Master really does desire my surrender. One aspect of “conquer me,” you’ll recall, is it’s often a permission-seeking thing, but sometimes permission alone simply isn’t enough, and a submissive wants something to be demanded of her so she will then feel free to offer it up, or allow it to be taken from her. If this is true of smaller things, why should something so huge as surrender be any different?
It seems to me the problem arises from what can be politely termed “prevailing wisdom.” While it’s not my goal to set the kinky world on its ear by disagreeing with every established philosophy, it’s important to question the ones which do not seem to be serving a positive purpose. Personally, I don’t feel positively impacted by the widely held belief that surrender is only pure if it can be given in the utter absence of any type of conquering, and I know I’m not alone in that. I have long felt as if I was somehow deficient because of this apparent lack on my part, and I know I’m not alone in that, either. So, I want to debunk the myth. You don’t have to agree with me, of course, but for those who do, I sincerely hope you will find this liberating: You have the right to define surrender for yourself, the right to reach it in any way which fulfills you and your partner, and the right not to have your accomplishment belittled by anyone who doesn’t hold the same ideas as you.
After coming to terms with my personal feelings about surrender, and what I felt was appropriate and necessary for me, I spent months doing a lot of talking to others about the subject, and a lot of soul-searching. Finally, I compiled the following list in order to help me see that surrender, like any other goal, has steps to take in order to get there, to make it seem more approachable. Also, listing the salient points seems to break the big picture down into more manageable pieces.
• In my opinion, surrender is me at my best. I know that surrender is the next step, and this is what I want.
• If surrender is me at my best and Master deserves no less than my best, and has always accepted nothing less, it stands to reason that he wants it.
• If surrender is where I want to be, to go, I need to acknowledge that it will require certain things of me in a concrete sense. I must open the pathways to it.
• One of the pathways is openness. When I allow fear to rule me and close me down, I am doing us both a disservice.
• Without effort, no progress will be made, but the effort must be genuine and tempered with patience, because surrender cannot be forced.
Once I made this list, it only made sense that I should take the necessary steps to begin. However, this is a process, not an event - or rather, it is a series of events which make up the process. The biggest part of this process is patience and communication. Master has come to understand, through our communication, that I have the need to be conquered so I can feel safe in surrendering. He understands everyone has different needs, and while some might not need to be conquered in order to achieve full surrender, I do, and that’s okay. He also understands that the conquering itself is a process, and he is patient. The conquering provides me a very particular sense of safety, which is why it’s necessary for me. Once I feel this safety, and I know without a doubt I will be accepted and celebrated, I will be that much closer to surrender. Though Master and I have been together for a few years now, our relationship is still young, and we are still on our journey. For us, part ofthat journey is surrender.
Things might be very different for you, dear reader. Whatever your circumstances, know that the basic truths remain: surrender is, for you, however you define it. If you wish to reach it, discover what brings you closer to it. It cannot be found in fear, only in absolute trust, and if your road to absolute trust includes conquering, coercion and compulsion, so be it. Ultimately, though, only you can walk the path to your own surrender, even guided by a masters hand.
TWENTY-FIVE
You Show Me Yours, I’ll Show You Mine: Negotiating Your Kink
I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time. - Anna Freud
EVERY SUBMISSIVE HAS A RIGHT AND RESPONSIBILITY TO protect herself. One of the best ways you can do so is to carefully screen potential partners, whether you plan to be engaged with this partner for a scene or for a lifetime. There are excellent resources available if you wish to learn effective ways of screening, but what do you do once you’ve actually met someone you want to get more involved with?
The answer is: you negotiate. The first step in negotiation is a completely internal step, which only you can do - you determine your limits. What are you absolutely, never ever in a zillion years, willing to do? What do you dislike, but are willing to tolerate? What have you never tried but are really interested in exploring?
Let’s start by negotiating a scene. There’s a list of many people’s basic hard limits, meaning that under no circumstances, ever, are these things allowed: inappropriate involvement of children or animals or dead people/animals; no dismembering or permanent damage. Many people also have hard limits about what is commonly called “edge play,” such as watersports, anything involving feces, fireplay, bladeplay, or breathplay, to name a few. Some people also have emotional triggers which create hard limits; for example, I hold tickling as a hard limit, and I wont allow anyone to do that to me. Maybe for you, it’s something simpler, like refusing to have your whole face covered because you’re claustrophobic. Another example is humiliation play. Because it can trigger negative emotions, many submissives have limits about it. You don’t have to accept it if you don’t like it. Remember, play is supposed to make you feel good.
Once you’ve figured out where your hard limits are, what are your soft limits? These are things that you don’t like, but are willing to tolerate, and/or things that you aren’t sure about, but are curious to try. Maybe you hate crops, but not enough to make it a hard limit. Maybe you’re really interested in trying single-tails, but have no experience with it. Be sure to carefully examine this list, because anything on it is fair game in a scene. The fact that these limits are “soft” means not that they aren’t allowed, but that the person you’re playing with should, literally, proceed with caution. Keep in mind here that your limits may vary from person to person. There are things I’d let certain people do to me (like fireplay, and bloodplay) which I would never allow a casual partner to do.
Now, the fun part! What do you love? One of my favorite things is flogging, followed closely by sensation play. I have been known to beg to feel a Wartenburg wheel during a scene, but for you, it might be different. These are things you know you like, that you’d really love to be included in any scene that you have.
One common fallacy among submissives is to think, “I’m submissive! I can’t have limits! I have to simply take whatever is given to me and be grateful for it!”
I call bullshit. Certainly, in a submissive’s life, there are
times we have to simply accept, but those times are typically within the context of a relationship where a lot of trust has been built, and our limits are firmly known and we know they’ll be respected. You may be a submissive, but you’re still a human being. You’re still bound by certain laws, whether these are the laws of nature, man’s laws, or God’s laws, if you’re religious. That means that you have limits. Having the strength and confidence to express those doesn’t make you any less submissive. On the contrary, it makes you more of a whole person.
Another important issue to take into consideration when negotiating a scene is your experience level. Under no circumstances should you ever be less than totally honest about this. If you tell someone that you absolutely love crops, when you’ve never even touched one and what you really love is the idea of them, he cannot be blamed when you scream “red” the first time he swats you with one. Not only is this just bad form, but it will quickly earn you a bad reputation. If you’ve never played before, be honest about it. There are some dominants who get a charge out of “deflowering” scene virgins. Of course, there are some who are turned off by the idea, because there is a huge responsibility in that, and many of them are leery of it, or have had bad experiences in the past. If you’re a newbie, and you run into one of these dominants, don’t write him off. Once you’ve got some experience under your belt, you two might be able to have a really good time together… and besides, you wouldn’t want to be written off because oiyour limits, would you?
Conquer Me: girl-to-girl wisdom about fulfilling your submissive desires Page 13
