Something else to keep in mind during negotiating is to mention any medical conditions that you might have. If you have asthma, wear contacts, suffer from epileptic seizures, have a bad knee, a cold or anything else, you need to be aware of it, and make your play partner aware of it. This includes mental and emotional health as well. If you suffer from panic attacks, your partner needs to know, because you don’t want to be handed your inhaler when what you need is a paper bag. Also, you should always have everything you need in your bag, within easy reach, and your play partner should know where it is and have access to it. As an example, I’ll share some of my health concerns which have come into play during scenes. I frequently get very cold and will need to be wrapped in a blanket immediately after a scene, during aftercare. I suffer from a mild blood sugar disorder, and I usually keep small snacks in my bag in case my sugar crashes. I am hard of hearing, and have a condition which often results in vertigo, sometimes causing me to lose my balance, particularly if I cant see (such as when I am blindfolded). After a scene, I typically crave water, and very often a small snack, to help me “come back to the world.” I disclose to my partners that I sometimes cry during play, so that they will be prepared for it, and if I don’t safeword, then it’s okay to continue. Of course, all of this will be different for you, but I’m trying to explain why it’s so important to discuss all of this in advance… you never know when something might crop up, no pun intended, that you and your partner will need to deal with.
A common mistake I see among people in general is that they forget to negotiate aftercare. Here’s something you might not know - aftercare is not all about you, nor is it only for you. Your partner has just expended a lot of energy sharing an intimate experience with you, and doms is people too, remember? Often he needs the reassurance afterward that you really are okay, and that you aren’t upset with him for the things he did to you. (Remember that most dominants you’ll play with have been raised with social morals against hurting women, and even the most confident and experienced dominant may occasionally struggle with this issue.) Many dominants simply want to be physically close to you afterward, but some have different desires. Earn yourself extra points and ask the top what he needs as far as aftercare goes. Be specific; don’t just ask, “What can I do for you?” (The answer might be more than you are prepared to handle!) Ask if he would like a drink, and if so, what kind? Regardless of your state of dress, most dominants “scene” fully clothed, and get pretty hot because of it. Offer to fan him, or relocate a floor fan if available. Planning a half-hour flogging? Offer to massage his arms and shoulders afterward. Everyone will have different needs, which is why it’s important to negotiate aftercare, instead of making assumptions. For example, I need a blanket, a bottle of water, and to be held and touched. After a minute or two, soft talking is nice. I want to be cuddled and warm. You, on the other hand, might simply want to sit quietly in your own space with someone to watch over you, until you’re ready to do anything else. Whatever you need is okay, but the time to express it is before the scene. Your play partner is likely to be very accommodating. If you’ve never played before, and are not sure what you’ll need, be honest about that, and ask the top how he usually does aftercare. He’ll work something out with you.
If you are an experienced player, and you know how you usually react to scenes - for instance, how you act while you’re in subspace - make that clear, as well. I know, for instance, that when I space, I am typically silent and no longer responding to the strikes as they fall. Very often, I am incapable of speech until I come back a little bit. I make my partners aware of this, because in this state, I cannot safeword, so they should not increase intensity much after this has happened. I also share ways to bring me back a little bit if they’d prefer me to be more “present” and verbal. I know a girl who is a screamer… she sounds like a horror-movie victim, but to her, that means she’s having a great time. Another girl giggles uncontrollably when she hits that certain feel-good place. Whatever your reaction is, it’s yours, and it is perfectly okay, just make sure your partner knows what to look for. If you have no experience, and have no idea how you’ll react, be honest about this. This uncertainty will probably cause your partner to check in with you more frequently, and ask if you are okay, but this concern and care is part of the intimate experience. Enjoy it.
Negotiation is a fluid thing. Your negotiation with dominant A might be drastically different from your negotiation with dominant B. It is colored by what you both bring to the table, where you are, and how you interact with each other. It is also crucial to remember that dominants have limits, too. Yours might have a limit that he doesn’t include any sexual element in his scene, or that he doesn’t do edgeplay Maybe he has certain things he needs to have in order to play… perhaps he needs to be called Sir, or maybe a scene just isn’t a scene for him unless he can use his crop. Don’t make the mistake of thinking negotiation is all about you, and only you. They’re people too, with limits and needs that must be respected. Most dominants don’t like to approach the scene with the attitude that they are simply there to meet the submissive’s needs, without regard to their own. This playstyle is called service-topping, and very few dominants, in my experience, are willing to play like this.
Finally, some specific scenes require a great deal of planning before they start. While a grateful thank you is always appropriate, if he spent time planning it ahead of time, make sure you spend time afterward.. .send a written thank you note or e-mail. Manners are never a bad thing.
Negotiating is not topping from the bottom (which we’ve already talked about). If approached with respect and responsibility, it is simply a method of communicating. Of course, if you’re being demanding and bitchy, then it could be considering bottom-topping, but you’re not going to handle it like that. You know that negotiating is taking your personal responsibility seriously, because you’re a smart, healthy, well-rounded submissive who understands that her first responsibility is to herself. After all, if you lose yourself, what do you have to give?
Most of these same ideas hold true if you’re in the process of negotiating a longer relationship, such as training or a collaring contract. First, you need to know your limits. Maybe you have a limit that you won’t be sexually involved with anyone but your master. In a training relationship, maybe you refuse to be sexually involved with your trainer (which used to be standard procedure, but not as much nowadays). Know, and make very clear, what you will not do, and what you would prefer not to do. Make the distinction clear. Be aware of which (if any) limits you want him to push, and be sure to make him aware of those also. For instance, I agreed to experiment with some types of fireplay, even though I found it frightening, and I soon came to love it so much that it went from being a hard limit to a favorite activity. I wouldn’t know that if I hadn’t agreed to push my own limits.
What do you absolutely love, or, in the terms of a relationship, what do you want as part ofthat relationship? What rules and expectations to you want to live by, and what expectations do you have of your master? Some of these are things you can figure out before you have met someone, but many of these things will depend on who you’re with. I know what my limits are in scenes with other play partners, but with Master I have far fewer limits, because of the level of trust within the relationship that we have, just as an example.
While I am on the subject of what to negotiate in a relationship, I must mention that there’s a disturbing myth out there that all submissive women are bisexual, and that all submissive women need to be poly-minded, or at least able to accept the fact that masters will want more than one girl. I’m here to tell you… it ain’t so. What this means, however, is your relationship negotiation should cover the topic. Are one or both of you straight? Bisexual? Gay? Monogamous? Swingers? Polyamorous? If you have a need to include or forbid a specific thing (including the addition of other people in your relationship), it is your responsibility to make it very clear up front.
People aren’t stat
ic creatures… we’re dynamic, always changing and growing, so your wants and needs today may be vastly different once some time has passed. That means it’s important to keep asking ourselves these questions, because what we don’t know, we cannot share and offer up to our masters. This also means that when negotiating a relationship, it is important to make clear how often you’ll revisit the agreement. Will it be monthly, twice yearly, once yearly? There should be times that the initial agreements are reassessed to ensure that everyone involved in the relationship is still getting his or her needs met, and that limits haven’t changed.
As an example, when Master and I were informally negotiating at the beginning of our relationship, he made it very clear that he wanted nothing to do with my finances, short of me handing him the required amount every month to ensure the proper running of the household, and that I would tell him if I ran short. Due to certain events, this agreement later changed so that he had quite a lot of control over my finances. Now, as needs have again shifted, he has no control over them, simply because it is not necessary. He prefers not to have to keep track of both, since we maintain separate accounts. If your situation is different, perhaps you have a limit that you will not allow anyone else to control your finances, which in many cases is a good idea. Or maybe you’re terrible with money and need a master to take that over and teach you to budget appropriately (as I did).
Ultimately, there are a few things to remember about negotiation. You have a responsibility to yourself to do it - you are a submissive, not a doormat. You do not have to sacrifice your own morals and ethics for anyone, least of all someone who claims to want to own you. If he wants to own you, he wants you as you are, more or less, and your morals and ethics are a big part of that. You are a person first and submissive second. Personhood comes before gender, style, or any type of orientation. As a person, you have the right to set boundaries for yourself. Furthermore:
• You have a responsibility to your partner to do it.
• Failure to negotiate does not make you a good submissive.
• Negotiation is not optional, and anyone who says otherwise is misguided at best.
• Total honesty is required in all relationships, but particularly when negotiating.
• Negotiation is not all about you, the submissive. Doms is people, too.
• Respecting yourself enough to negotiate appropriately results in others respecting you as well.
TWENTY-SIX
Punishment and Discipline -Spare the Rod, Spoil the Sub
There is no witness so terrible - no accuser so powerful as conscience which dwells within us. - Sophocles
IN MOST D/S RELATIONSHIPS, SOME ARRANGEMENT IS IN place for the use of discipline and punishment. The precise way these issues are handled, though, will vary greatly, as each person’s needs and expectations are unique. However, even in the face of such diversity, there are commonalities as well, such as the reasons why some submissives feel a deep-seated need for punishment on occasion (which is not to say that we enjoy it), and the ways that many submissives feel after a punishment has been administered.
For the purposes of this chapter, I’ll be using the terms positive reinforcement and negative reinforcement. Before I go on, though, I think it’s necessary to define these terms, because there seems to be some confusion as to what they really mean. Essentially, positive reinforcement is any action which encourages a behavior to be repeated, and negative reinforcement is any action which discourages a behavior from being repeated. Easy, right?
For some reason, lots of people get upset at using parental-type analogies to describe D/S situations, but I hope you won’t. If you’re a parent, think about times that you’ve given in to your kids’ whining (even though you knew you shouldn’t) just to gain a little bit of peace and quiet. This is positive reinforcement of a negative behavior, because the fact that it worked and got the kids what they wanted will encourage them to repeat this behavior (even though you don’t want them to).
People do not outgrow this. Ever. Now, hold on, I’m not calling anyone childish here; I’m simply making the point that people are people, no matter how old we get. So we will always respond predictably to the rules of reinforcement: we will do what works to get us what we want, and discard behaviors which do not. This is not bad, or wrong, it is just part of human nature. For the purposes of discussing punishment and discipline, though, it’s important to lay this groundwork.
Now is a good time to explain exactly what I mean when I use the word “punishment” in this chapter. I’m not talking about the kind of play punishment where the naughty schoolgirl ends up over the headmaster’s knee, and everyone has lots of fun. I’m speaking of the direct application of a negative consequence… in other words, negative reinforcement, of the type that most submissives are hardwired to try to avoid at all costs. Think of the difference between playing naughty in a cute way to get an arousing spanking… and what happens if you get caught lying right to your master’s face. Ahh, there you go, you see the difference.
I think I hear you wondering, if punishment is such a bad thing, why would submissives ever feel a deep need for it? The answer is that not all submissives do, but the ones who do not feel this need are, in my experience, few and far between. Of the submissive women I have asked, the vast majority express a desire to be punished when they honestly deserve it, because of how it makes them feel, and because of what the act communicates to them.
When asked, most submissive women explained that being punished made them feel safe. Does that seem strange? When you think about it, though, it really isn’t. As one woman put it, “I know he hates to punish me, but the fact that he is willing to do it to try to help me be better for him, rather than just getting rid of me… there’s a real feeling of security in that. I love that he doesn’t give up on me.” This sentiment has been echoed by many submissive women - the sense that the act of punishing is one way for the master to show how much he cares about her and her success, and how he is willing to do something he probably dislikes because he is that invested in the health of the overall relationship. In this case, even though the punishment itself is a negative experience, it carries with it a positive side as well. This doesn’t mean it becomes positive reinforcement, because the punishment is still negative and designed specifically to discourage the behavior that led to it. However, the caring that is communicated is positive, which is very necessary to the sub-missive’s emotional health - because if the negative experience of the punishment is not tempered with this expression of caring, the submissive may begin to suffer chronic feelings of worthlessness and failure. As it stands, if the submissive feels the punishment is, in part, an expression of love, she is likely to feel good and secure about her place in his life… she is worthy of the time and energy it requires to punish, and therefore improve, her.
Conversely, if a master does not punish when a submissive feels she deserves punishment, this oversight may lead to the eventual breakdown of the D/S dynamic. To quote another woman, “If he doesn’t care enough to enforce his own rules, why should I care enough to follow them?” Ouch, right? But frankly, this is a common theme among many submissives. By not applying some type of negative reinforcement, unwanted behaviors are not discouraged, which means they are likely to happen over and over again… which can, over time, begin to erode the very foundation of trust within D/S. If the submissive cannot trust her master to employ discipline and punishment to uphold his rules, she isn’t going to be very invested in following those rules, and it could even lead her to question her trust of him in other areas of the relationship as well. She may assume that his reason for failing to punish her is because he doesn’t believe she can be improved. She may think he feels she is unworthy of the time and attention necessary to correct her behavior. She may begin to think of herself as such a terrible failure that she cannot be redeemed.
Often, the submissive also feels disappointed in her Master when he doesn’t punish according to the accepted an
d agreed upon rules of the relationship. She may feel as if she tries to do her part to be a good submissive, but on those occasions when she falls short, if he doesn’t step up and do his part by enforcing his rules, and therefore, his role to her, she may feel he has let her down. This feeling can be particularly insidious if he doesn’t even seem to notice the infraction, which may indicate to her that he isn’t paying attention. If she feels he isn’t paying attention, she may assume it is because he doesn’t feel she’s worth paying attention to, or that the relationship is not as important to him as it is to her. If this continues, the submissive may then come to distrust the stability of the relationship. One submissive said, “It was like the entire structure he said he wanted was just an illusion.” She went on to say that she often felt upset when she felt she should be punished and he didn’t follow through, because her conscience would eat at her about the incident, there was no closure from him, and she overall felt that it simply didn’t matter to him. This of course made her feel as ifshe didn’t matter to him. Sadly, I have seen this breakdown happen many times, and in a lot of cases, it led to the end of the relationship.
As I hinted at a moment ago, another positive side to punishment for a submissive is, very often, the sense of absolution afterward. One woman said, “Sometimes I feel like I can’t forgive myself unless I’ve been punished, even if he says he has [forgiven me]. I need to be able to let it go, too.” The reason this absolution is so important is that, left unchecked, negative feelings about her behavior can have detrimental effects on a submissive’s sense of self, and her confidence in her submission. As the epigraph states, conscience is a terribly harsh critic, particularly for a submissive. “There’s a certain closure to it,” another submissive explained, “that I just can’t get any other way. I hate when I have to be punished, but when it’s over, I feel like I can move on from it. When I’m not punished for something, mostly the bad feelings just linger.” Essentially, the point is that when a submissive is not punished by her master, she will often use her conscience to punish herself, and this punishment is typically far more harsh than his punishment would have been. When he is the one who administers the punishment, however, she must accept what he has meted out to her, and it must be enough. There is a relief in being able to let the incident go, once an infraction has been punished and forgiven and put behind her.
Conquer Me: girl-to-girl wisdom about fulfilling your submissive desires Page 14
