One thing to keep in mind is that just because something isn’t for you, doesn’t mean the action itself is abusive. For example, there are lots of people who participate in heavy-impact play, which often consists of punching, heavy hitting, and even kicking. Many people enjoy this. Personally, if I were subjected to this treatment, I would experience it as abuse, but the people who play this way experience it as fun. This reminder is necessary because perspective counts. Let’s say you’re negotiating a scene with someone and he wants to know if you’re interested in this type of play. It would be incredibly inappropriate to go running around telling everyone what an abusive asshole he is, or to write it on your local blog or email list, just because you associate those activities with being abused. Instead, simply make it clear you don’t wish to engage in that type of play. If you feel comfortable, and trust him to respect your limits, go ahead and play with him. If not, don’t. Just be aware that in this example, you have not been abused, so keep your wits about you, and don’t overreact.
A friend of mine told me a story about a dominant she was getting to know a few years back. During the course of these conversations, he mentioned several issues that made her uncomfortable. He said that in his household, new submissives were completely isolated for the first three months, and permitted no contact with anyone outside the house. He also said there were no limits in his household, and if anything was asked of her, she should do it, including things that she might find morally wrong, or things which might be illegal. My friend decided this type of relationship wasn’t for her. She listened to her instincts and refrained from engaging in a relationship with a person who wouldn’t be able to meet her needs. Had she chosen to participate in that relationship, she would most likely have felt abused within it. It is important to note, however, that he did not abuse her.
If you’re in a kinky relationship and feel that you are being abused, you have the same rights as anyone in a vanilla relationship who is being abused. Just because you consented to some things doesn’t mean you have consented to abuse, and you should not be afraid to get help just because your relationship is unconventional. It is possible you will encounter some ignorance, because many people simply are not aware of our lifestyle, or what it does and does not entail. You might also run into some discrimination. It’s unfair, but it’s the truth. I warn you of it because I don’t want you to be discouraged by it. If so, make the effort to educate people about the differences. You never know - someone years from now in the same situation you’re facing might receive better assistance because you took the time to help someone understand. Of course, if that isn’t an option for you, for whatever reason, don’t give up looking for help because of one bad experience. There are many resources available, so if necessary, use all of them until you have what you need to protect yourself.
TWENTY-EIGHT
2417 - Fantasy vs. Reality
The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails. - William Arthur Ward
IT IS FAIRLY COMMON WITHIN THIS LIFESTYLE TO HEAR the term “24/7” used to describe a particular type of D/S dynamic. While most people are fairly familiar with this term, there is still some confusion about what exactly it means.
Some people still seem to hold on to the somewhat whimsical idea that being a 24/7 slave (because, for some reason, it is the commonly used term in this case) means that you are constantly naked, constantly serving, constantly available to be used in any way your master might wish (depending on how you’ve defined limits within your relationship, of course), and pretty much that you have no personhood outside of being a slave, which is your sole, constant function. Naturally, your master would also be perpetually “on,” always setting tasks, making demands, doling out punishments when necessary, and fucking your blissful little brains out.
Okay, I have to admit, this sounds like a fun way to spend the weekend.
But let’s get real here, people. There is absolutely no way this is a realistic view of an average day in the life of a 24/7 relationship. Nonetheless, many people who haven’t had the opportunity to see or experience 24/7 for themselves hold onto this fantasy. So what is a realistic view of a 24/7 dynamic?
In most 24/7 dynamics with which I am familiar, there is something that I call the “rein of control.” If you know anything about horseback riding, you know that, while the reins are almost always in your hands, it isn’t necessary to keep a death-grip on them at all times. They very often hang with some slack, and you can choose to give a horse his head and let him do as he will by loosening your grasp on the reins. You can also immediately exert control by taking a tighter hold, and directing the horse as you will. I think this is more what 24/7 is like. The reins are always in the dominant’s hands, and there will be times when he will simply let them lie loose - but at any moment, he can grip them firmly and exert his control.
A practical view of an average day in the life of a real 24/7 dynamic might look more like this: John and Mary go to work, and she is wearing clothes he has chosen or approved. On her lunch break, she checks her text messages to see what she’s permitted to eat. Upon arriving home, they perform their greeting ritual, and then tell each other about the day while Mary cooks. She serves dinner, after which she cleans the kitchen while John sits in front of the television. She sits next to him on the couch to watch their favorite show, aware that at any moment, he may tell her to move to the floor, or to put her head in his lap to cuddle. During the program, she will fetch anything that he requests, and will follow the house rules, such as asking permission to use the bathroom. They talk, and laugh, and enjoy being near one another, and when they go to bed at night, they perform the bedtime ritual.
Maybe they have sex, maybe they don’t. Maybe they engage in some SM (sadomasochistic) play, or maybe they don’t. The point here is they are not trying to act as if life in a D/S relationship is a really long, kinky porno. They treat their D/S as if it is a relationship with some different base rules than most vanilla ones… and that’s exactly what it is. At any time, John can exert his utter mastery over Mary, because she is collared to him. He owns her, and she is his property. If he chooses to, he can demand she take a personal day to do nothing but stay home and clean the whole house wearing only a butt-plug, stopping to masturbate every hour on the hour. If he does demand this, Mary will obey, because she is his. He has the right, because that’s what they’ve negotiated. But he doesn’t need to exercise that right every single day, simply because he can. Indeed, if he did demand these extreme things all the time, they might quickly lose their excitement and luster. Because occasions like this are rare, when John makes these intense demands, it never fails to thrill them both.
The key difference, as I see it, between the fantasy and reality of 24/7 is the difference between constancy and consistency. In the fantastical viewpoint, the kink is constant, unrelenting. In the reality of it, the interplay of dominance and submission is consistent, always present in an undertone sort of way, even if no one in the relationship is performing any “kinky” actions at a given time. Simply put, it is impossible for anyone to indefinitely hold to the level of kink present in the fantasy of 24/7… everyone needs a break sometime. It’s a fun fairy tale, I agree, but it doesn’t translate well into the real world, except for short periods of time.
John and Mary probably do have those days or weekends where they bump things up a few notches and live within the fantasy. It’s a good way to keep things exciting, and can be a powerful exercise in boundaries, limits, and trying new things. For the most part, though, their relationship has a lot in common with a vanilla one. They have the same bills, and many of the same hopes and desires (such as a long life, a happy home, a healthy family). A D/S relationship is not exempt from the laws of nature simply because it’s kinky.
Don’t get me wrong… certainly not every 24/7 relationship is exactly like John and Mary’s, but most of them fall far closer to that than to the fantasy example,
on a day-to-day basis. What is important to realize is there is no single “right” way to do 24/7, though some people may try to convince you otherwise. It used to drive me nuts when people would say, “How can you be a 24/7 girl? You have a job.” Well, I have teeth, too, but that doesn’t mean I spend every second chewing. 24/7 can be what you want it to be, assuming that you want it at all.
What? You thought you had to want 24/7 in order to be a true submissive? Umm, no. Just because lots of people do desire it doesn’t mean it’s a requirement. There are lots of people out there who only want to express their inner dominance and submission at certain times (by appointment only, as I say). Maybe you want to be vanilla most of the time, but really get into D/S and kink on the weekends, or Tuesdays, or every other Sunday, or only at play parties, or whatever. There’s nothing wrong with any of that. I don’t personally support the view that only 24/7 relationships are “real” in terms of D/S and kink… we all need different things to be fulfilled and happy. If it’s real to you, it’s real.
TWENTY-NINE
The Vanilla Masquerade
It’s easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world. - AI Franken
A LOT OF THE TIME, WE KINKY PEOPLE HAVE TO BLEND IN with the rest of society… nilla folks. Much of what we do and many ways that we express ourselves just aren’t understood or accepted by most of the wider world. While we find ourselves simply leaving the nature of our relationship out of conversations at the office and parent-teacher meetings, there are times when simple omission isn’t fully suitable. For instance, for those in 24/7 D/S relationships, it can be daunting to try to figure out how to keep the power dynamic going when there are children in the household, or when there’s a family reunion, or when Mom comes to visit for days on end. It’s sad but true: the vanilla world is not our natural habitat. So, we have to adapt.
This particular topic is one that I have noticed comes up a lot when two or more submissives are talking for any length of time. Questions like “How do you keep your submissive feelings going when you can’t call him Master?” and “Is it weird for your master to get his own drinks at your mom’s house?” or even “What do you call him in front of the kids?” are all fair game between submissive friends. I’ve often wondered if dominants talk about this amongst themselves like we do, but I’ve never been able to get one to tell me (even my own!).
In any case, there are certainly ways around this particular issue. If you have kinky friends, by all means, ask them how they handle it. I think one reason why this topic is so popular is that we’re always trying to learn new and better ways to handle our business, and our fellow community members have a lot to teach us if we simply open ourselves up to learning. So take advantage of that resource, even if the community of people you know is an online group and not an “in-person” one. It’s still community.
But I do want to cover some of the more basic things as a starting point. From a personal perspective, the only people I have to masquerade around on a regular basis are children, for the most part. I have a son in elementary school, and I’m often around the other children in my leather family. Children, of course, are wildly observant creatures, and far smarter than most adults give them credit for. I have a stock of ready answers. “How come you get his drink for him?” is easily answered by, “Because I love him and I like to do nice things for people I love. I love you, too, so do you want a drink?” I have created a life for myself where I simply don’t have many vanilla people around, but the few vanilla friends I do have know about my relationship and accept it fully. I admit this makes it a lot easier, because it is not a concern I have to deal with on a regular basis. However, to some extent, it is a matter for all of us.
The basic rules are thus: In front of children, strangers, and Master’s family, I do not perform overt gestures of submission. I might sit on the floor or bring him a drink or prepare his cup of coffee… but I do not use his title, I do not use obviously submissive body language or speech patterns, I don’t ask permission for things, and I generally do nothing to make myself stand out as anything other than a slightly old-fashioned girl. Instead, I address him as Love instead of Master, I use standard body language and speech (full eye contact, etc.), I ask permission in advance if I think it will become an issue, and I have ready explanations for any little gestures I might make. For instance, when I get asked (most often by waitresses) questions like why I am the one to prepare his coffee, I give my best charming smile and say, “I was raised by my grandparents, so I’m old-fashioned in some ways. I like to do the little things, because I was taught that it’s an expression of love.” None of those things are untrue, and I have not lied, though I confess that the way I’ve arranged the truth is designed to mislead the listener a bit. The rules for Master are also fairly simple: he doesn’t make any request of me that anyone else can hear unless it is completely innocuous, and any communication that is in any way D/S related is done non-verbally. Typically we do this through our own personal body language code, because even though I am (barely) conversational in sign-language, he knows only a handful of signs, and besides that, if anyone within sight also signs, there’s a good chance of being “overseen.”
For some reason, it’s easier to manage all of this when we’re outside, really immersed in the vanilla world. It’s harder at home, where the vanilla world is more of an intrusion than anything else. When my son is present, all those above rules apply, and yet I somehow manage to maintain a low level of constant D/S in the background. 24/7 D/S isn’t all whips and chains anyway, of course, but I would prefer there to be at least some overt behaviors in my relationship - like nudity, and daily rituals and using his title, and requesting permission for certain things. Since I can’t be so obvious around my son, we have founds ways of making things invisible. It’s still there, it just can’t be seen by the naked (or vanilla, in this case) eye. For instance, I can ask permission, and accept his decision or even appeal for him to change his mind, all without either of us speaking a word. We have codes, like every relationship does, but many of ours have a kinky meaning, and yet sound totally innocent to bystanders. When I can’t do a ritual because of the environment, I make it a point to hug him and whisper something in his ear which is designed to accomplish the same effect.
Of course we aren’t perfect, and I will be the first to admit that after spending too long in ’nilla-land and not enough time in Kinkytown, it can be difficult to get back into the swing of things. Keeping it all simmering under the surface is certainly better than letting it all go cold, but it can be difficult to get things back to a boil when the time is right (the first available opportunity), because people can form habits so very quickly. In some ways, though, it’s like riding a bike. You’re rusty for the first time or two after being away, but you pick it back up quickly enough. Heating things back up can take on any form that works for you and your partner, but the idea is to take you both out of your vanilla roles and back into your usual kinky selves. I like a little ritual, or manhandling, or one of the hundred other thing that flips my switch from “warm” to “high.” I revel in being able to get back to feeling the freedom that I only feel when I’m able to be completely myself. It took us a good long time to get to a point where we’d figured out what really works to reignite our fire, and it continues to be a process of trial and error, but I highly recommend it. First, the process itself is fun, often amusing, and very enlightening. Second, the more you and your partner learn about each other, the better in the long run anyway, so you might as well enjoy doing it, and be working on learning things that will only improve your relationship. It’s win-win.
Determine what meets your unique needs. Maybe you want to just “come out” and be done with hiding this aspect of yourself and your relationship, or maybe you only want to engage in kinky things of any variety (no matter how innocent) when you and your partner are totally alone. Whatever you want, talk about it and talk about finding ways to make it happen, so both of you feel safe
and fulfilled. Also, figure out ways to turn it on and off so you don’t get stuck in vanilla masquerade mode when you don’t want to be. Once you know what flips your switch, you’re well on your way to improving the balance between your relationship and the rest of the world.
THIRTY
Getting Back On Track
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined. - Henry David Thoreau
Conquer Me: girl-to-girl wisdom about fulfilling your submissive desires Page 16
