EVENTUALLY, YOU’RE PROBABLY GOING TO GO THROUGH a situation when you’ll have try to get back on track. There are a few different ways this can crop up, and I want to talk about three of them here. The three most common times this happens is
• If a scene fails in some way
• If one or both of you determines your relationship needs to be revived or restructured
• If you are released from a D/S relationship (even if that decision was yours)
We’ll take these one at a time, to discuss ways you can help move on from these situations to become even better than before. Remember, everything is a learning experience, so use it all to your advantage (even when it hurts).
What do I mean by a failed scene? I mean a scene where one or both of you walks away from it unhappy with how it went. This
can happen for many reasons and so the first step is to assess which of you (or, perhaps, both of you) is unhappy. The second step is to figure out why - in a calm, civil manner. This assessment might require taking a little bit of time away from the situation to put your thoughts and feelings in order. I’m sure we’re all aware that sometimes it’s hard to be reasonable when there’s so much going on inside, as there is likely to be after any scene, let alone a failed one. Once you have addressed why the scene failed, it’s important to figure out what you want to do about it. I mean you as in you, dear reader. You can’t possibly figure out what the dominant wants to do about it, that’s his job. But once you have each decided where you’d like to go from here, you can then see if your desires are aligned. If they aren’t, be prepared to talk and compromise.
I’m assuming, for the purposes of this section, that you and the dominant partner from the failed scene are in a relationship, and were not simply play partners for a single evening. (And yes, a steady play partner counts as a relationship.) Because this isn’t a disposable thing, then, you want to really be willing to invest some time and energy into figuring out the problem so that you can solve it together. Often, after a failed scene, both people feel a sense of failure, and this feeling can often make people defensive, which can be difficult when you’re honestly trying to communicate positively. Keep in mind that the dominant has feelings about this situation, too, and try to be gentle with his ego in the midst of your honesty. After all, there’s no need to be brutal. It’s better to say, “I just really don’t think that position (that new toy, that style of bondage, etc.) works for me. I had a hard time getting into the right mindset to enjoy myself,” than to say, “I didn’t want to try that to begin with, and if you hadn’t made me, the damn scene would have been just fine!” Even if you think that’s true, there’s a wrong way to express it. (And if you do think that’s true, remind yourself that part of the dominant’s job is to broaden your horizons, which means getting you to try new things which you will sometimes not like. But, to be fair, you won’t know you don’t like them until you’ve tried.)
The point here is that one bad scene doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. It doesn’t even have to ruin your night, if you both choose not to let it. Even though you’re the submissive, your reaction will affect him, so it’s important to be aware of that. If you start with anger and recrimination, it’s going to negatively impact him, and hence you, and then the whole thing is just a mess to be fixed. But if you approach the situation with compassion as well as honesty, the two of you can get it worked out so the next time you scene, you can eliminate what didn’t work, and probably have a lot more fun.
It’s a bit more complicated when it’s your entire relationship that needs to be re-evaluated. Just because it’s more complicated, though, doesn’t mean it can’t be done. Some of the common reasons this re-evaluation might happen are: the third in your triad leaves the relationship, causing the two of you remaining to iron out the details of how to go on; there has been a major life change such as a move, a career change, or a new baby; or maybe your D/S has just gotten put on the back burner for so long that you have to rebuild it from the ground up.
I can tell you I have personally experienced each of those three examples and, after each one, Master and I were forced to re-examine where our relationship was, where we wanted it to go, and how we were going to make that happen. It isn’t easy. It requires a lot of thought, a lot of talking, and a true willingness to work. Sometimes you have to start from the very foundation, and rebuild trust before anything else can happen, because D/S doesn’t function well without trust.
One of the most necessary steps to rebuilding, I have found, is for each of you to take responsibility for your part in causing the problem. Taking responsibility is not the same as laying blame. Each of you acknowledges how you contributed to the breakdown of the relationship, by saying, “I take responsibility for________” and filling in the blank. It’s really best if you go back and forth, so that by the time you’re done, each of you will have the same number. It’s particularly potent if you write these down as you go, because then you can literally see that though they are mostly different things you’re each accepting, the same number of items shows that you equally share responsibility. (It’s okay, you can burn it later. I did.) Be willing to be brutally honest during this exercise, else what are you fighting for?
After you’ve both accepted responsibility, it’s important to regain your feeling of teamwork. Your relationship should not be adversarial… you’re partners, you’re a team, and you should approach your relationship with that mindset. If it’s going to work out, if you’re going to succeed in getting things back to how you both want them, you first have to figure out what each of you wants. So that assessment needs to be the next step. Take some time and go over it, point by point, until you’ve established that you both want enough of the same things to keep going forward together. Determine what each of your goals are, and make sure they are still aligned, and that you can still reach them together. Only after you identify where you’re going can you plan how you’re going to get there.
Once you know your destination, you can work on putting together a map. You take those goals you talked about, and then discuss the best way to get there. You each ask one another for the things you need. If you need him to do something specific, this is the time to tell him. Also, be open to what he tells you he needs from you. Don’t make promises you can’t keep, but use this time to negotiate what each of you is going to contribute to your joint effort of moving forward. On this step, like the others, it’s important to be very honest, with yourself and with him, but it’s crucial that you temper honesty with compassion. Remember that this is his relationship, too: you’re a team, not enemies, so don’t treat each other as opponents.
After you’ve made it through these steps, you’re ready to implement the changes you’ve agreed on. This is going to take effort and commitment from both of you. One of the best ways to keep yourselves accountable is to establish a time every week to have an assessment of how things are going. This time is sacred… don’t let anything get in the way of it. I’ve found that it’s best to do it away from home, in a neutral place. When I went through this in my own relationship, we decided to have our assessments at a coffee shop.
During the assessment, each of you can say anything that’s on your minds about the previous week. Bring up things that went well, and things that you think need work. Be open, be willing to listen, allow your partner to speak and be heard as much as you want to be. Be respectful when you address issues that might need correction. Be willing to admit your own shortcomings. Above all, remember that you are in this together, and only by working honestly and together are you going to reach the goals you both set for yourselves and your relationship.
Another thing that might help is a system of reward. When I did this in my relationship, we arranged it so that on weeks we felt the other did well, we would allow one another to choose a reward. Once, for example, I chose that we watch a movie of my choosing, and another time I chose a massage. (So money doesn’t have to be an issue here.) Somehow, that
little bit of added incentive helped, I think because it was something immediate and concrete, in addition to seeing the slow improvements we made over time as we got nearer and nearer to where we wanted to be together.
If you can get to this point, you’re well on your way to being back on track. All you have to do is keep going. It’s vital that you don’t abandon the tools that got you back to a positive place together. With most medicine, people get sick, take it, feel better, and stop taking it. But for some conditions, you have to take medicine forever in order to stay better. This is like that: if you find something that really works to get you where you want to be, don’t stop doing what works when you get there.
Sadly, though, there are times when relationships end. Whether it is your choice to end things, or his, or mutual, the end result is the same … you’re left alone to pick up the pieces of your pride, your love, and your submission, and find a way to heal and move forward with your life. Trust me when I tell you that I know from painful personal experience just how shattering this can be. I remember well the numbness, the shock, then the pain, how it spreads and lingers, and oh, the crying. I know, too, that there is no way to be the same afterwards.
However, that is not to say that you cannot heal. You can, and you will. Even when it feels like every breath has been torn out of you and there’s a rock where your heart used to be and that nothing will ever, ever feel good again, know that you will heal. Even when you doubt every single thing about yourself, particularly your ability to be loved, to submit, and to be in a successful relationship, know that you will heal. You might not want to believe me, but trust me when I tell you that you’ve got reserves of strength that you haven’t tapped, and when you need them, they will get you through. Yes, grieve… you deserve that, because you’ve lost something precious. But when the grieving is done, know that you will heal.
There are a lot of things you can do to help yourself move on from a D/S relationship that has ended. Buy a good breakup book (for instance, It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken). Cultivate your friendships, and let your loved ones help you through this. Give some of your time to a worthy cause. Treat yourself to something wonderful like a massage, a pedicure, or that great jacket you saw on clearance the other day. Wear hot pink lipstick for a day. Paint your bedroom. Talk about it when you need to, and don’t be afraid to seek professional help if you’re really struggling.
What you’re doing during this process is taking yourself back. I know it sounds harsh, but now you belong only to yourself. So own yourself. Really and deeply take possession of your precious, irreplaceable self. One day, you’re going to be ready to try again, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. When that time comes, you may find that you want to belong to someone, that you want to give yourself to a master again, to be his property. And you can’t give what you don’t own. So if you want to reach the point where you’re prepared to find the relationship (and master) of your dreams, you’ve got to make yourself ready.
So after the initial shock and pain fade a little bit, begin taking stock of yourself. Take stock of your personality traits, your attributes, your skills and talents. Figure out what you can do to make yourself an even more desirable submissive (which will be a huge ego boost to you, which you can definitely use after a breakup). Take a dance class to enhance your natural grace. Learn to cook a few dishes really well. Get involved in your local community. Take up an instrument. Use what you’ve got to your best advantage, broaden your horizons, and keep growing. One day, someone is going to come along who wants nothing more than to call you his, and you will want nothing more than to be the best reflection on him that you can. Begin preparing for that now, during this time of taking yourself back. After all, just because you own yourself completely right now doesn’t mean you can’t prepare yourself for the future. In fact, it is your responsibility to do exactly that. Even though it feels like it at first, your life isn’t over, it’s just changed. So find ways to make that change improve you in some way.
Years ago, when I was released, I threw myself into my local community. Coincidentally, there was a boy who’d been released within a few days of me, and our shared experiences solidified our blossoming friendship, and we helped one another to move on. I spent my time improving myself, learning about our lifestyle, and where I fit into it, meeting people and absorbing everything I could, determined to be the most desirable submissive that I could make myself. A couple of years later, I was collared to my master, who’d fallen in love with the woman I’d become since that release. Moving forward when my heart was breaking anew every minute was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but also one of the most worthwhile and rewarding, and it did get easier with time. It can be like that for you, too.
LAST INTERMISSION
hidden in shadow
this heart longs for the freedom
found only in chains
Little did I know that the links ofthat chain would be
forged in tears, tempered with sorrow, and welded with
pain. And though they do not bind me, I carry the chains
with me now, for they are my investment, my joy, my
burden, my choice… and they, like so many other precious
things, speak to me of love and sacrifice and surrender.
But nothing is ever black and white; there are shades of
gray. Nestled with the pain is joy. Joy that whatever else
happens, I have had this time, and these experiences -
because I am better for them, and will continue to grow under
them. Like a diamond must be cut and polished,
and roses must be pruned, so must I endure these things
to be refined, and I am lucky to be worthy of it. And
one day, I will look back on this time with a smile, and
remember all of it with gratitude and honor and love,
regardless of where time and the wind take me.
Dear Reader
Everyone should carefully observe which way his heart draws him, and then choose that way with all his strength. - Hasidic saying
THIS BOOK WAS NEVER INTENDED TO BE A TEXTBOOK, but an encouragement to dig deeper in order to understand yourself, your desires and your needs more fully. If I could choose one thing for you to take away from this book, it would be an understanding of personal responsibility. Being a submissive does not mean giving up your personal responsibility to stay healthy and safe; rather, it means accepting and using your personal responsibility to empower yourself. After all, you can’t give what you don’t have, so you must first be empowered ifyou seek to give up power to a master.
Your path is your own. Figure out what you need, what you want, and what is going to make you happy. Submitting doesn’t mean compromising your essential self. Your submission is a part of you, and expressing it should enrich you. The idea is to find yourself in it, not lose yourself to it. Choose a partner who wants to go in the same direction you do, and walk together.
Getting from point A to point B is where so many people get hung up. It’s easy to say you’re a submissive, but much harder to actually be one, and the journey in between is fraught with obstacles, many of which I’ve covered in these pages. I have personally been faced with every one I’ve written about (and many that I didn’t write about), and I have discovered that in every case, the keys to overcoming those obstacles were to accept the challenges, and have the willingness to work through them. So many times, I wished for a roadmap (or at least a set of directions) to help me, but personal journeys are uncharted territory. Still, I think there are enough commonalities among submissive women that this book can serve as a guide for those who find themselves facing the same struggles that I have.
I would never claim to be an expert or to have all the answers… I’m not and I don’t. However, in the ten years since I began my journey into the world of D/S as a submissive woman, I have had a lot of opportunities to experience growth, and I’ve learned a l
ot of hard-won lessons. It is my desire to share some of that knowledge with you. I hope you will use this book as a tool, together with your master (whether he is already in your life, or yet to be discovered), to better understand yourself, and how to achieve what we’re all seeking: happiness and fulfillment.
O T H E R B O O K S F R O M G R E E N E R Y P R E S S
* * *
BDSM/KINK
… But I Know What You Want: 25 Sex Tales for the Different
James Williams
$13.95
The Compleat Spanker
Lady Green
$12.95
Conquer Me: girl-to-girl wisdom about fulfilling your submissive desires
Kacie Cunningham
$13.95
Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus
Christina Abernathy
$15.95
Erotic Tickling
Michael Moran
$13.95
Family Jewels: A Guide to Male Genital Play and Torment
Hardy Haberman
$12.95
Flogging
Joseph W. Bean
$12.95
The Human Pony: A Guide for Owners, Trainers and Admirers
Rebecca Wilcox
$27.95
Intimate Invasions: The Ins and Outs of Erotic Enema Play
M.R. Strict
Conquer Me: girl-to-girl wisdom about fulfilling your submissive desires Page 17
