by Ford, Mia
I know there are more risks I have to take to make this dream come to life. I will start it in the new year. That’s what people do, isn’t it? Use the new year as an opportunity to make major life changes. Perhaps I will make a list of where I want to be a year from now, and go from there. The steps to get to that goal might seem smaller and less overwhelming.
I slide my eyes closed and focus on thirteen year old me for a moment, the dork tom boy with braces who had to leave her home in the city where she understood life, to start over in a small town. I wasn’t happy to go, thirteen is such an awkward age to try and start again, I argued against my father’s new job a million times, but obviously lost out in the end. I didn’t have any choice but to see what I could do.
Then, the older guy next door greeted me by kicking a football at me, something that he still maintains was an accident. I yelled at him before I could even think about it, and he laughed in my face. It might not have been the best way to start to a friendship, but somehow everything developed from there and he became my rock during that transition. I hadn’t ever had male friends before, not close ones anyway, and I hadn’t ever had older ones either, but it was as natural as breathing air. It was the best thing to ever happen to me.
I always assumed that we would be friends, which is why I shoved my feelings down for such a long time. I wouldn’t accept them, I ignored the butterflies, I chalked it up to hormones and assumed that it would pass… even when I started having intense sexual dreams every night.
But you can’t ignore love. It finds a way of coming out eventually, and it did. I tried to distance myself until I couldn’t ignore any longer. I even pushed him away for a while, trying to create some distance to get over my feelings, but Seth was blind to my attempts and he made sure to see me even more. Living next door to him made it almost impossible for me to get the hell away.
I was happy when it ended in a kiss, but since that didn’t exactly end well, now I’m not so pleased. It would have been easier if he let me go when it was my choice, I could have handled that.
By the time my eyes pop back open, I can’t ignore the stray tear leaking down my cheeks. This time of year is so hard for me, I think about Seth more than any other time. It makes it impossible for me to move on. This is why dating Harry was a bad plan… I just don’t want to go to the Christmas carnival alone again. Seth might not be there to see me, but I can feel his presence every year.
“Stop it,” I whisper at myself. “You’re on a date with a perfectly nice man. No need for tears.”
I try my hardest to comfort myself with the knowledge that at least Harry isn’t a complete asshole. I could be on a horrible date with a very rude man… but I don’t know if that would be better. At least then I would have a reason not to want to be with him. It wouldn’t just be because he isn’t Seth.
“Get back out there,” I tell myself. “Go out there and enjoy the rest of the date.”
But even as I say those words to myself, my brain is trying to come up with a million and one excuses that I can give to get out of this. Ivy will know what I’m doing, but I’ll make her understand in the end. I’m sure that she will be disappointed in me for blowing Harry off, but without that spark, what can I do?
I don’t want to accept that I have reached the age where I need to settle for something less. I mean, I’m only twenty six. Just because that big three oh is in the near future, I don’t need to worry. No, I can’t shake off the need for a spark. I feel like I deserve passion and fun.
I rest my hand on the doorknob and get ready to get back out there, to face the outside world, but before I do, I’m shocked by the loud noises out in the bar. There were only a few people out there when I snuck away, but now it’s as if there is a bachelor party or something going on. This bar is definitely not the place for a party of any kind, which makes it even weirder. I’m so intrigued that I forget about my nerves and I head out there…
Oh my God. There are a massive group of guys in here all of a sudden. Some of them I recognize from high school who still live here and some who come back for the holidays, but none who I particularly want to see. Now I need to get out here more than before. This date isn’t going to continue with this in here. What will I do when they spot me and start making jokes? Which they will, because that’s what they do. However grown up thy have become in the real world, when they get back together they are back to idiot teenage boys once more.
I stick my head down and try to make my way through the crowd of people. They are all taller than me, which is normal because I’m definitely petite, so I can get swallowed up easily. I use that to my advantage and slip through as unnoticed as I can manage. I’m amazed about how many guys are here this year. It’s almost as if this year is particularly special for some reason. Like it will be the Christmas to change everything.
“Yo, Bishop.” That name makes me stop dead in my tracks. I quickly shake myself, telling myself that I obviously made that up because I was just thinking about him a moment ago. “What do you want to drink, dude? Still beer, or are you too fucking fancy these days?”
“Yeah,” someone else joins in. “Is it just champagne for Mr. Hollywood now?”
Fuck. There can’t be anyone else that’s being talked about here, but it’s impossible. Seth Bishop hasn’t been back in six years and there isn’t any chance that he would be now. He’s the LA guy, Mr. Hollywood, he has no business coming back here. There isn’t any reason that he would just return all of a sudden. I mean, hasn’t he just filmed another one of his high action movies? Doesn’t he need to do promo and stuff? There isn’t any reason that he would suddenly come back to torment me further. And at Christmas as well, right before the God damn carnival. Shit, I’m not ready to see him, I don’t think that I can stand having my heart broken for a second time.
My fight or flight instincts kick in and all I can do is run. I can’t even say goodbye to Ivy, I just need to go. She will get it, when I explain that I almost ran in to Seth Bishop – Seth fucking Bishop of all people – then she will know that I didn’t have a choice.
Chapter Five
Seth
December 22nd
“Oh, yeah, sure, tease me.” I roll my eyes at my friends. “Say what you want. I might be Mr. Hollywood drinking champagne in LA, but here I just want a glass of lukewarm beer. And, you can pay.”
God this feels amazing, like the last six years didn’t even happen, and I am just on another normal night out with my buddies. Of course, I left here at twenty years old, so we weren’t legally allowed to go to the bars then to drink, but every so often we would just about manage to sneak in, and it was always fun. That’s why I called up River and the others the moment I stepped off the plane. I haven’t even been home yet, I still have my bags with me, because I need to blow off some steam.
These guys, this night, it’s nothing like a Hollywood party and that’s awesome. No one is interested in gossiping and spying on other people. No one is afraid to get too drunk, in case they end up making a fool of themselves and end up headlining every major media outlet. No one is focusing on trying to impress … everyone is just having a good time. I almost forgot how to do this.
This is me; I remind myself with a smile. This, right here, is exactly what I need.
It feels good to be back at my old stomping ground, to be Seth Bishop, the kid from around the corner. Not the Hollywood action actor who is supposed to be a muscle man.
“Hey, buddy,” Benji from my English class, pats me on the arm. “I have seen how many chicks you have been messing around with since you got to Hollywood and they are hot. I mean, really hot. The sort of women that we can only have posters of on our bedroom walls. You think that you can set me up?”
“Who with?” I can’t help but laugh at Benji. “And you do know that most of the stories are fake. The women they say that I have been with are people that I’ve met for like, five minutes.”
“Sure, sure.” He shoots me a wink. “It only takes a min
ute, doesn’t it? And I don’t care. Any of them. They are all so beautiful. The models, the actresses, the singers…”
I pat him on the shoulder. “Sure, Benji, I will see what I can do. I’m sure I can set you up.”
The thing I won’t bother to tell him is how those women might be nice to look at on the outside, but a lot of them are terrible inside. Demanding divas who have been led to believe that the world owes them a favor. Dating them would be like a freaking nightmare, and sleeping with them, wouldn’t be much fun either. As I have found occasionally to a fault of my own idiocy. They aren’t worth the hard work in my mind. But perhaps that’s because I am looking for something more long term, who knows? Either way, I will keep Benji out of it.
My world, Hollywood, it isn’t for the faint hearted. It’s actually a ruthless dog eat dog world where you have to have a thick skin to survive. I have that, mostly… now anyway. But Benji would hate it.
All of a sudden, just as someone hands me a drink, I find myself knocked to the side by someone trying to push passed me. A bit of the drink spills over the top of the glass, which makes me want to say something. Not to shout but just to calm the person down before anything else happens… which is how I capture a glimpse of wavy dark hair. Hair that strikes me hard and reminds me of times past, of someone who I so desperately want to see again. My breath catches in my throat because somehow, I just know that this is her. It doesn’t matter that years have gone by; my instincts know that this is her. Me and Darcy are finally in the same room again.
So, why can’t I just get her attention? What the hell is wrong with me? I’m frozen to the spot like a freak just staring at her. I really have gone back to the teenage version of me, who is too scared to say how I feel. I part my lips a couple of times, willing myself to say words, but nothing comes out.
You might not get another chance like this, I warn myself. Just get out there and say something already.
“…oi, Seth!” All of a sudden, I realize that Benji is still trying to talk to me. “Are you listening?”
“Sorry, what did you say?” I shake my head and try to return to the present moment. But that really isn’t possible when I know that she’s here, and I could reach out and touch her if I wanted to. It’s been such a long time since I have experienced the electrical thrill of holding Darcy’s hand, even in a friendly way, and I want that again. “Oh God, I’m sorry, Benji. I will be back in a moment, there is someone I need to see.”
Without giving myself another second to think about it, I race past my friend and I follow the trail where Darcy was just a moment ago, which leads me outside, just hoping and praying that I haven’t missed her. I dart my eyes right and left, begging to find her face eventually, to see one of her sweet smiles.
And there she is… oh my God, she is still so beautiful. Petite and slim, as always, with curves in all the right places. Her piercing blue eyes digging right into my soul as she stares at me in shock.
“S… Seth?” she stammers as an adorable pinkness stains her cheeks.
“Yeah.” I smile widely as I take a step closer to her to shut up the gap. “I’m back… at least for a little while.”
“I see. And er… what brings you back? … it’s been such a long time…”
“I wanted to come back for the Christmas carnival, because I have missed it.” I shrug my shoulders. “I shouldn’t have missed it for all these years, which I know now. So, I’m here to rectify that.”
I wait for her to make some smart ass comment about me being an idiot or something. Anything to put us back on the friendship track that it once was when it was easy and we knew exactly what to say to one another… but she doesn’t. I guess the last six years have created a chasm of distance between us. It isn’t like I have just gone away for a moment, and how can it be with her? Not only did we share everything with one another once upon a time, I also basically kissed her and ran away without ever getting in touch. As a friend or someone who kissed her, that was a shitty thing to do, and all because I was scared that she wouldn’t like LA.
Maybe it was me that I didn’t think she would like, because I changed in LA as well.
“So, er… you are still here, right?” I ask her awkwardly. “You like it here?”
It’s tense. I don’t think that it should be this tense. It’s weird, isn’t it? For me and Darcy to be in this place, it’s wild. For the chat to not just flow… I know that this is all my fault, but still… I’m here now and I’m trying.
“Right, everything is good.” She’s taking a step back from me. Physically and mentally. Shit, this isn’t the awesome reunion that I was planning on. I have been thinking about this for a while and it’s supposed to be nice. But then again, surprising her outside a bar might be my mistake. I should have done this better. “All good, yes.”
“That’s nice. I would love to hear about how your life is doing now?”
She doesn’t answer me, instead she cocks her head to one side curiously as if she doesn’t get me. “Well, I have to go now. I have… you know, things to do so… while it was good to see you…”
Oh my God, Darcy can’t even stand to talk to me for a few moments which sucks. She has a pained expression on her face like I am an unwelcome visitor to her home. Even though I have been a shit, I wasn’t expecting that. I thought that there might be a little bump in the road, but nothing like this. My heart sinks as I watch the stranger in front of me, the woman who I used to know, no longer knowing me. It stings like hell.
But much as I want to beg Darcy to stay, I know that she won’t. I can see it in her eyes. She’s done, so I have to let her go. Inside though, I’m just hoping that we can get another shot at this. But the timing isn’t right and it’s time to go back inside the bar. Even if my heart isn’t quite as in it as it once was…
“Where the hell did you go?” Benji practically leaps on me as soon as I come back inside. Either the guy has really missed me, or he wants me to follow through on finding him someone from Hollywood to hook up with. Either way, I could do without it for the time being. I just need a moment to get myself in order. “Were you chasing after Darcy there? Darcy McNeill? Oh my God, the guy can have anyone in the world, he has all the super models he could want chasing after him, and he still likes his childhood crush…”
“Who are you talking to?” I snap back angrily. “I was just talking to Darcy, that’s all. And I didn’t have a crush on her. She was just a friend of mine back then. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Oh, come off it.” He rolls his eyes. “It was so obvious. You spent every waking minute with her, were both in love with each other, and apparent to everyone that you would be together. Well, it was until you left of course…”
God this leaves my chest tight. I always wondered if we would as well, or if we would forever like one another but not actually get together. I still feel like me and her could one day make it work. But how can I when my life is so crazy? I mean, realistically anyway. It’s a nice idea, but if I don’t want to bring Benji into the craziness of Hollywood, then I can’t consider doing that to Darcy, can I? I already decided that she won’t like it, so I can’t turn my back on that, can I? But then again, if I don’t even try, will I always wonder? I already compare every woman to Darcy and what I shared with her, even if I don’t always realize it, and there has to be a reason for that. Because me and her share something… or we did- and we could again, I’m certain of it. If only I could be brave enough to reach out and grab her, to go for that opportunity.
I stare at the door, blocking Benji out, and I think about whether or not I should run after her, to just damn well kiss her already and start what could be perfect between us. But I know that I don’t have the courage to go anywhere. Not yet, not like this.
Chapter Six
Darcy
December 23rd
“Seth, what are you doing?” I giggle as his body falls against mine. “Don’t. Your friends are in the bar waiting for you. This is ins
ane.”
“It’s two in the morning, Darcy,” his whispers, his words tickling all over my tingling lips. “No one is out anymore. It’s just me and you here.” His fingers fiddle with the hem line of my dress. “So, I can do whatever I want with you. And what I want, is to pick up where we left off six years ago.”
As his lips crash to mine, the sounds around us change. No longer are we hidden in the shadows somewhere where no one can see us. We’re in the middle of the Christmas carnival and someone is cheering us on. I cling to his waist tightly, just like I did back then, and I let out a groan of sheer bliss. I love the fact that there isn’t a scrap of delicacy to his lips. He’s claiming me, taking me as his own, passionately stealing a part of me. When his tongue massages mine, my pulse races so fast I’m afraid that I might explode in a moment.
“Oh, Seth,” I gasp out as his fingers graze over the hyper-sensitive skin of my thighs. Flames ignite all over, reminding me exactly why no one else has managed to measure up to this man. Because of this feeling, this spark. It hasn’t been as intense with another man before. Not Pete, and certainly not Harry. “Oh, Seth, I like that.”
His mouth slides off mine and moves on to my throat. I force my eyes to pop open to check that no one is looking at us, watching this sexy little display in the middle of the carnival, but to my surprise we aren’t there anymore. We’re in his teenager bedroom complete with a poster of a half-naked woman on his wall. This is the exact place where I always assumed that I would lose my virginity, and while that didn’t happen, I can’t help feeling nervous with Seth, like it really is my first time, and I don’t know what to do.
