by Ford, Mia
“Get up,” I hiss at myself, swallowing my sadness down. “Get up and get to work. Seth is already established, he’s already the perfect guy. It’s time to prove that you can be the same for him. It’s time to show Seth and the rest of the world that you are worthwhile, and you can do this.”
That’s good, it gives me something to focus on. Something to work with. Something to keep me distracted from the negative green monster that threatens to swallow me up whole if I let it…
I just won’t let it, that’s all. Easy.
Chapter Twenty-One
Seth
January 5th
“Are you sure that you are going to be okay?” Sierra asks me with all kinds of nerves edging on her voice. She takes a moment to dust off my shoulders, to try and tidy me up which is silly because it isn’t in line with my character at all. Not at this point in the movie anyway. I need to be a mess. “This is going to be a big change.”
“I can do it,” I chuckle with laughter. “Me and Winter have been rehearsing for days. We got this.”
Sierra’s eyes glance nervously over to Winter and we watch for a few moments while she flexes her mouth, doing her warm up vocal exercises. Admittedly, right now she looks a little crazy, but I’m not worried. It’s been amazing. We have a great chemistry which will drive audiences wild. I have worked with actors who I don’t have the same chemistry with, and it always ends badly. The reviews and the revenues suggest as much. But this isn’t going to be a problem with this one. I just know it. That’s why I can’t wait.
“Okay, well I would love to tell you that it isn’t too late for you to pull out. But it is.” She pats me on the arms. “You have signed too much paperwork for me to negotiate with, so instead you need to kick ass.”
“I’m going to, don’t you worry about that.” I give Sierra a winning smile. “Just wait and see.”
It’s at that moment the director calls us on to set to start with the very first scene, the ironic meet cute between the two main characters, which isn’t going to be typical. I like that this script goes in a new direction for most of the other films out there. So, me and Winter take our first positions and I slide away from me. I become Richard Ramirez. The character who is going to consume me for the next few weeks. Maybe even a little longer if needs be, but I’m assuming that since most of this will be done in one take, we’re going to be fine.
Before we’re told to get going, Winter shoots me a reassuring smile and I allow myself to feel good for a moment. I’m doing this for Darcy, for our future together, to ensure that the both of us are happy. She kissed me as I left this morning, wishing me well as she went on her way to the makeup show she’s attending today, giving me all the confidence that I need to get myself in the right frame of mind.
I’m doing this for you, I think as I send her off a silent message. I just hope that you do as well as me. New year, new opportunities, new us… we can do this, Darcy McNeill, we can.
“And…” the director calls out, snapping me back into my character. “Action…”
* * *
My eyes want to close, the exhaustion is bursting through my body, but I get myself ready to shoot the scene again. The first few scenes that me and Winter did were fantastic, some of the best that I have ever been a part of, and I was absolutely over the moon. I got the confidence that I needed to keep on going. Internally, I made the naïve and stupid decision that we were going to get this done even quicker than I first imagined… but then at some point in the afternoon, and I can’t exactly pin point the exact moment that it happened, we began to suck. I don’t know who is doing worse, me or Winter. In some scenes, I certainly isn’t me, but in others it is.
Where is the chemistry that we shared when rehearsing? Where is that magic from this morning? I can’t understand it. I want to grab hold of it to see if I can find it all over again. It must be buried deep inside of us somewhere. We just need to try and find it again. If we both work hard enough, we can locate it, right?
“You need to wrap this up soon,” Sierra grumbles, clearly not happy with me at all. “The director is just pushing you too far when clearly, he isn’t getting anything out of you, so we need to halt this.”
“You can go home,” I insist to her, not wanting to put her through this as well. “You don’t have to stay.”
“I need to check that you are making the right moves. You know this makes sense.” She glances over my shoulder. “I might go and have a word in a moment. See if this is really beneficial to everyone.”
I want to let out a laugh because Sierra is behaving like an overprotective mother, but I’m too tired to let it out. Instead all I can do is weakly smile at her. “I will be fine. It should be done this time.”
But as I look over at Winter and I see the weariness in her eyes, I think that Sierra might be right. We are done today. I would like to get back home to see Darcy. I’m sure she must be expecting me since it’s getting pretty late. But I’m hoping that she understands I can’t do anything about the schedule.
“Right, get back out there…” Sierra pats me on the back and sends me back on to the set as Winter does the same thing. “Get it done this time. We all want to go home by the look of it. Nail this, okay.”
I nod and smile, hoping that I can follow through on what she wants, but it isn’t just me, is it? It’s Winter as well and I don’t think that her heart is in it. She looks done with the day, so that sucks.
Oh God, this is a nightmare. This day is never going to end…
* * *
I stagger through the front door to my house, feeling drunk because I am so tired. After all of that, we didn’t even get the shot that we needed, so I can’t help feeling a little deflated by the whole thing. I’m just glad that I’m not coming back to an empty house, and that I have Darcy here to comfort me. Hopefully a very happy Darcy because today has gone well. I really hope that she has sold lots of makeup.
“Hello?” I call out weakly, moving slowly towards the living room. “Darcy, are you here?”
She doesn’t answer me but I soon finding her sitting at her little desk that I set up for her, with her laptop on. My first assumption is that she is working on some orders that I hope she picked up today, but as I get a closer look at her expression, I immediately know what she’s doing. The one thing that no one in the public eye should ever do… looking online. I warned her about this the other day after the New Year party, but she couldn’t seem to resist. Now, I worry that it might have become an unhealthy addiction for her.
I can’t watch Darcy all the time to make sure that she isn’t on the Internet, she needs to make that choice herself, just like we all do. I have been through it myself, but it’s agonizing to see her experience it. I want to wrap Darcy up in bubble wrap and try to protect her from the dog eat dog world of social media where keyboard warriors think that it’s okay to say the most disgusting things. But of course, I can’t. That’s something that I have to stand back and watch however much it kills me. All I can really do is support her and hope that she is okay.
Her mother tried to protect her too much anyway, and that didn’t exactly work out, did it? It sent Darcy running. Albeit with me, but I don’t want to do a similar thing, so I need to bite my tongue.
“Are you okay?” I ask cautiously instead. “Has… erm, has something happened?”
“Oh no.” She slams her laptop shut quickly as if she doesn’t want me to see. It doesn’t matter, I can imagine, I have had everything said to me as well. Not that it makes it any easier. It feels personal when it’s directed just at you, even if it is just to get some kind of response. “I’m okay. How did today go?”
“Erm… okay, for the most part. Me and Winter struggled a bit but…” Her eyes are glazing over. I don’t know if she wants to listen to me moaning on which is probably for the best because I don’t want to hear it either. I just want to forget about it all and push it to the back of my mind so that tomorrow can be a fresh new day. “Anyway, how did you
r beauty event go? Did you make lots of connections and sell all sorts?”
“Sure.” Her word is bright, and her face tries to tell the same story, but I can sense a fakeness to her smile, a deadness behind her eyes. Just like me, she hasn’t had the best day and she also doesn’t want to talk about it. “It was good. I have already signed up to do some more, so… yep, I have a lot of good things happening.”
I don’t know if it’s the filming that has my mood all on edge or Darcy, but something doesn’t quite feel right. I can’t put my finger on it, but it’s the dream… the fantasy life where I have the girl and the career that I want, but it still isn’t quite right. There is something missing in the picture which leaves a hole in my chest. If I could work out what I need to do then I could make it right, but I don’t know anything and that puts me on edge.
Communicate, I remind myself. You swore that you would always talk things through.
If I want this to be a proper adult relationship, unlike the errors that we made six years ago, then I need to talk even when it feels difficult. I need to work out a way to get those challenging words out there.
“Darcy, are you…” Oh my God, this is so much harder than I thought it was going to be. “Are you happy?”
“With you? Sure.” There it is, that smile again. The one which doesn’t quite meet her eyes. “I’m so happy that I came here with you because I love you, Seth. This is everything that I have ever wanted. Now, come on. Let’s go to bed before you fall asleep where you are standing. You are exhausted, aren’t you?”
I go with her, even if she hasn’t exactly given me what I need, and I fall in to bed beside her, but despite the warmth emanating from her, I feel a coldness. I’m not doing my job right now, am I? I am supposed to be giving her the dream come true life, not one that makes her dissatisfied. Somehow, in between filming, I’m going to have to find a way to make things better for her. I don’t know what I can do if she doesn’t tell me, but I have some instincts in there somewhere that I can go with. I know Darcy, don’t I? That’s supposed to be the benefit of being in love with my best friend, that I understand her inside and out. So, why am I failing so badly?
I glance to the side and see her sleeping, but even when she is closed off from the world, the unhappiness remains on her expression. The thought that I have everything but I’m fucking it all up kills me. I can’t hack it.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Darcy
January 9th
‘She is so fat. So ugly. She looks like a troll. Why the hell would Seth go anywhere near her?’
My heart sinks as this comment darts through me. The worst part is this comment is written under a picture that I don’t think bad of me. If it was one of those badly angled ones that the press seems to take great delight out of publishing, leaving me with absolutely no control over my public image, then I would understand, but this one is not too bad. I look like me, which makes it even harder to digest. I don’t know what I have done so wrong to deserve this. I mean, I know that I’m not a model or good enough for Seth…
According to his fans, I don’t think that I will ever be enough for him. I get that they love him and that he is the one in the public eye, but surely, they understand that I am a real person as well. With feelings.
‘I don’t think that she is even real,’ someone else replies. ‘I reckon that Seth’s management hired her to be a ‘normal’ girlfriend. Celebrities do this all the time when they want to calm down a reputation. Being seen with a normal, boring, small town looking girl will make him seem much nicer. Less of a player.’
Wow, this seems like a conspiracy theory to me. I can’t imagine anyone doing anything like this, even in a place where reputation is everything, but that could just be me being naïve. I’m sure that Seth isn’t doing that anyway. If I can be confident of anything it’s his love for me. He tells me enough times. If only him telling me how he feels about me was enough to push these negative remarks out of my head.
I don’t know if I was ready for LA when I came. I don’t know if I could ever be ready for this. I should be using this opportunity for my company but instead, I just feel more insecure than ever before. Even at the makeup event, no one was interested in me, only Seth. I don’t want to tell him how much of a failure I am because it’s embarrassing. Plus, I keep trying to convince myself that it will turn around sometime soon. That my big break s coming, along with true happiness at last, and all I have to do is be patient. If only I could work on my website and my social media presence instead of reading these comments.
‘Such a down grade. What is Seth thinking? Look at that piggy nose!’
I don’t know what gets to me in the end. I think it might be the fact that none of these comments are nice, they are all too unbearable for words. Not one person has a kind thing to say and that’s what sends me in to sobs. Weak, pathetic weeping that rocks through my whole body and makes my ribs hurt. I close my laptop down, but it doesn’t matter. It’s too late, the damage is done. Those words, along with everything else that strangers have written about me, are burned into my brain and won’t be going anywhere.
Ring, ring… oh God, why now? Why does Seth have to call me right now? Ring, ring… He already suspects that I’m not happy, he keeps telling me not to read the comments, me crying over them isn’t going to help. Ring, ring… But if I don’t pick up, it will only worry him more, so I need to straighten myself out.
“He… hello?” God, did I stammer then? I really need to get it together. “Hello?”
“Darcy, is that you?” Oh no, this is worse than Seth. This is my father. I have spoken to him a couple of times since being in LA because he has seemingly become the attempted peacekeeper between me and my mother, not that it’s working because I haven’t heard from her at all. Not that I want to. “Are you crying?”
“I’m just…” I sniff loudly and try to wipe away the tears. “No, I’m not crying, I’m just…”
“You know, I can tell that you aren’t happy there, Darcy,” Dad tells me firmly. “It’s obvious. I keep trying not to say anything because I don’t want to push you away further, but it isn’t working out for you. You haven’t ever been miserable like this before. Is it Seth? Is he treating you badly? Because if he is…”
“No, no,” I jump in right away. I need to give credit where it’s due. “Seth is being amazing, it’s everything else. It’s hard here, Dad. Nothing like I expected, and I don’t know if it’s right for me.”
“Then come home,” he pleads. “You always have a place here. You know that.”
“But Mom…” We need to be realistic about this, and the truth is she clearly hates me for defying her.
“Your mother only wants what is best for you. She doesn’t want you to be unhappy and she suspected that something like this would happen, which is what she wanted to protect you from. She will be glad to have you back. Just… come home, and we can all sort it out while you are here. It’ll be much easier…”
I can’t stop myself from considering this suggestion because it’s familiar and it fills me with warmth. I was so desperate to get out of there, I wanted to run so fast, but now I realize that might not have been the answer. Instead, I should have faced it like an adult and tried to sort it out. At least the hatred from my mother I could understand, and it came from a good place. The Internet abuse is just so damn painful.
“Maybe I will, Dad,” I muse. “I don’t know yet. I could do though. I don’t know what is for the best…”
“I am going to try and see Ivy,” he insists. I can picture his deep in thought face as he says this. “Get her to call you and talk things through. She has always been a good support system for you, and I’m sure that she will talk some sense into you. I don’t like the fact that you are so far away and unhappy.”
This makes me yearn for my dad. Sure, he has always been on side with my mother, treating me like I am much younger than I am, like I can’t think for myself, but being away has made me see that he on
ly thinks that he’s doing what is best to protect me from this kind of pain. Perhaps I should have listened because he knows best. It doesn’t seem like I know what the hell I am up to anyway, since everything is a mess.
“Thanks, Dad,” I reply gratefully. “I will speak to Ivy, sort this out.”
“Good. I know that you will make the right decision. We will fix this.”
We talk for a little while longer and I have to admit that by the time I say goodbye to my father I have managed to start feeling a little better about everything. He has helped me to see that not everything is out of my control. That I can make changes if I need to, I just have to decide what is right.
* * *
Well, I don’t know what my father said to Ivy or what he thought that she would tell me when she called, but I’m guessing that it isn’t what she is actually saying to me. Even I am shocked, especially since during our last conversation it seemed like she wanted me to come back as well because she missed me…
“…You can’t let your family control you anymore. You have found happiness in Hollywood with Seth and your parents have just decided that he is a certain way even though he isn’t. They don’t know him like you do. You are happy for the first time; I can see it. Sure, the Internet comments must suck- I get that, I wouldn’t be able to take it either. But all you need to do is log off and focus on Seth. You and he have finally gotten together after all the years of missing one another, so spend time with him instead. Enjoy one another.”
