Deepen The Kiss

by Willow Winters

  * * *

  ANOTHER TEXT COMES through as I'm reading the first one again.

  * * *

  TRIED TO PULL THEM APART. D said he'd never forgive T. T said it was about D’s mom. He won't tell me anything.

  * * *

  ALL I CAN KEEP THINKING IS What. The. Fuck? I sit down on the edge of the tub, gripping the cold porcelain edge.

  I put my phone back in my wristlet, turn off the bathroom light, and open the door to the bedroom. Derek doesn't move when I walk into the room and set my wristlet on his dresser causing the metal chain to clink.

  “I found out about your mom from Sandra,” I say as I crawl into bed. “I found out about the fight from her too,” my words are soft as I cuddle up to him. His stiff and unmoving, ready to push me away I’m sure. Refusing to open up. “I want to be here for you, but I need to know what’s going on so I can give you what you need.” I stare at his eyes, willing him to look at me, but he’s focused on the ceiling, as if all the answers are written up there.

  I rest my head on his forearm, his body’s warm and inviting. He slowly wraps his arm around me, maybe realizing I don’t want to fight. I’m just telling him the truth.

  “Right now I just need you to lay with me. Just don’t leave me.” My throat feels like it’s closing listening to the raw vulnerability in his cracked voice. I nod my head and kiss his shoulder before nestling down next to him.

  I think sometimes you have to push people; sometimes you have to make them open up to you.

  And other times you need to trust them. You just need to hold them.

  Maybe I’ve been doing it all wrong all these years not pushing him, but in this moment, he just needs me to hold him. He needs someone.

  I slip my shoes off and climb into bed next to him. I turn off the second table lamp and roll toward Derek. Kissing his shoulder, I wrap my arm around him.

  Right now he just needs to feel loved. I can give him that, because I really do love him. Even if he is a broken mess.

  I scoot a little closer to him, my eyes adjust to the dim light of the night and I can see the dark bruise on his jaw. “Does it hurt?” I ask him softly.

  He immediately nods his head, his forehead pinched and his breathing paused. “It hurts so much.” His words are choked as he moves his hand over his face.

  My heart splits into a thousand pieces as he breaks down in front of me.

  “I’m here,” I tell him with as much comfort as I can put in my voice. I try to hold him, but he doesn’t move. I don’t know what to do.

  As if reading my mind, Derek says, “I’ll be whatever you want. I’ll give you whatever you want. I’ll tell you everything. Please, just don’t leave me.” He finally opens his eyes, their filled with sadness and vulnerability, pleading with me.

  “I promise I won’t. I promise you.”

  How can I? When you love someone, they never leave you.

  CHAPTER 18

  Derek

  * * *

  IT JUST STARTED SNOWING. The sky is so thick with it that it’s a greyish white. I hear someone cough from across the plot. My eyes travel to them for a moment, before focusing back down at the ground. The dirt looks loose, like it's just been placed.

  My breath turns to fog in front of my face, and I know my nose and cheeks are a bright red from the cold. But I don’t wanna leave yet. All I’ve been doing is looking at the flowers I've placed atop her grave over and over again. But leaving here… it feels like I’m leaving Ma.

  I can’t do it.

  I need a break from this town. I severed every tie I have to it, except for the restaurants. I’m done with everything else. I gave the pot business to Tony. Left the all that shit on my desk for him and I know he got them. He made that clear in the emails he sent. I don’t want a damn thing to do with it anymore. He can have it.

  He’s been texting me, calling me. He even showed up at the house a few times.

  I called the cops the last time, and that was the only thing that got him to leave.

  I don't wanna hear it.

  I don’t want to hear how he loved her.

  How I was the one in the wrong for leaving her in pain when she was ready. He only said that once, but out of everything he said, that’s what stuck with me. Cause that really hurt. The truth always hurts the most.

  I still feel guilty about keeping it from Emma for as long as I did. But she broke me down. I confessed everything to her. She didn’t run away like I thought she would. I made her promise she wouldn’t, but I know promises don’t mean shit sometimes. I want to give up on myself, but she won’t let me. She’s never broken a promise to me. And I’m starting to believe she’ll really stay. I fucking hope she does. Without her, I don’t know who I am anymore.

  I thought the moment I told her what happened with Tony, that would be it for me, but she’s still here. And I’m ready to move on from this shit life. I’m ready for something more. Something with her. I want to be the man she deserves. And I will. I’m walking away from all this shit.

  “I don’t wanna stay here.” I finally speak, not able to keep thinking on the shit that’s going through my head right now.

  Emma’s wrapped up tight in a thick, hooded black coat with a scarf around her neck. The tip of her nose is peeking out. She looks up at me, blowing hot air into her hands and then holding back onto my arm.

  “We can go whenever you want,” she says softly. I’ve been coming here every day for the last three days. So has Emma. She’s missed the first few days of school, but she’s not willing to leave yet. She hasn’t left my side. If that’s not true love, I don’t know what is. I know with everything in me that I can’t let her go.

  “That’s not what I mean,” I tell her as I turn to face her. I wrap my arms around her waist as the light dusting of snow falls into her dark brunette hair. She’s so fucking beautiful. She’s more than a sweetheart. She’s everything to me. “I wanna go with you.”

  “You wanna go to school?” she asks with disbelief.

  A humorless laugh leaves me, and I look behind her before finding her eyes again. I don’t need school. I’ve got more money than I’ll ever need.

  “Nah. Just go with you. I know you need to get back.”

  Her features soften as she realizes what I’m saying.

  “I wanna be with you, Emma. I’m not letting you go this time.”

  She smiles softly and leans into me. “Come with me,” she says softly. “I need someone, too.”

  I don’t wanna leave Ma, but I can’t stay here.

  I give her one last kiss and start leading her to the car, walking through the graveyard and not looking back.

  CHAPTER 19

  Emma

  * * *

  WE JUST GOT to my tiny apartment, and it's strange seeing Derek here. He looks so at odds among all my cozy, chic accessories. I watch him as he picks up the small bird candelabrum in his hand. It's cast iron, and heavy. He holds it up and stares at it for a moment, then his brow furrows before setting it back down.

  He takes in every item of the room slowly, processing this new environment. It’s almost comical. His broad shoulders and tall stature seems out of place in my living room. My chairs are so tiny, I’m not sure how he'll even fit on them. I have a small IKEA sofa, and if he lay down on it, his legs would be hanging off the end.

  He's picked up every picture frame I have on the shelf above my couch to look closely at each picture. He doesn't seem to know what to do with himself. He looks so lost.

  I wish I already had a place for him here, but I don’t. I will though. We’ll make it work.

  “We can go shopping,” I offer. We’re definitely going to need to go shopping. I forgot how girly and small my apartment is. He’ll really freak out when he sees the bedroom. I still have the small single mattress from when I was growing up. Not that I wanted to keep it. I had to make a choice in what I could spend my money on. I decided that a queen mattress wasn’t worth having over actual kitchen utensils an
d a dining room table to eat at. Besides, I'm petite.

  “Yeah, I think we should definitely go out today,” he says. The look on his face makes a small laugh come from my lips. I cover my mouth, feeling the blush rise to my cheeks. He smirks at me, shaking his head.

  “I’m sorry, I just never thought I’d see you here.”

  “Did you really think it was over between us?” he asks, walking toward me. The way his hips are moving and his eyes are piercing into me make him seem like a lion hunting his prey.

  I try to breathe, but it’s hard with him looking at me like that. Like he wants me. Like I’m his to take.

  And I am.

  “I never know what to think when it comes to you, Derek,” I say. That’s the truth, and I’m not sure that’ll ever change.

  We drove down together this morning. I still can't believe he wanted to come back to school with me.

  He’s giving up everything and starting over. No drugs. No secrets. I’m his and he’s mine and together we’ll get through this. I know we will.

  He lets out a small laugh, but it doesn’t seem real. “It’s a nice place you got here, Sweetheart.” He looks past me, at the kitchen. “You definitely put your touch on this place.”

  “And you haven’t even seen the rest of it,” I say sarcastically. My apartment is about as big as his living room was. He’s definitely downsizing.

  “Want to go get something to eat? I'm starving,” I say to him while grabbing my keys off the hook by the door. Eat, shop. We’ll take each day at a time. Just get through each one. It’s difficult for him sometimes. But just one step at a time is all we need.

  He puts down the stack of papers he was looking at, and stands up from the stool he was sitting on at the kitchen counter.

  “Are these all of the places you're planning on applying to once you graduate?” he asks me.

  I forgot I was looking through some of my options before I left to go to Sandra’s for winter break. I stare at the one on top, I put them in order of most desirable.

  “Yeah, they're the schools and offices I'm interested in. I don't know if I'll get a job at any of them, but we’ll see.” I shrug. “Are you hungry?”

  “I can eat,” he says, taking one last look around.

  I TAKE him to one of my favorite places. It's just a small family-owned restaurant where they know me by name. It’s nothing like the bistro Derek took me to. Here all the booths are covered with a tough red fabric. I don’t even know what kind of fabric it is, but it’s wipeable and that’s what matters. Kay’s Tavern is one of my favorites though. I love their hot wings. “You gotta order them extra crispy though,” I tell Derek as the hostess walks us to a booth near the front window. It’s a bay window, and lining it are a few large picture frames with magazine cutouts and newspaper articles inside of them from when they first opened. They won a few awards, too. I was telling him all about it on the drive over, but every bit of conversation only made me more and more anxious. I know that we’ve led separate lives until now, and that our past lives didn’t mesh. It’s a cold hard truth that I eventually accepted. But now he wants to try to blend into mine, and I don’t know how that’s going to happen.

  The late evening sun makes the untouched snow out front look even prettier. But beyond that, the cars have driven over the snow and ruined the purity of the scene, leaving dirty slush in their wake.

  That’s just the way it is though. The pretty parts never last.

  Across the street are rows of houses lining the busy road. In front of one of them are a couple of kids making snowmen. It makes me smile. Derek follows my gaze, and it makes him smile, too.

  I watch him look around the old restaurant. Family pictures decorate the pale yellow walls. Wooden tables and chairs fill the room except for the row of booths that line the front windows.

  An older lady with short, curly red hair walks toward our table. “Well hello, Miss Emma. We've been wondering when you'd be back from break,” she says with a smile and a bit of her Philly accent. Kay is a funny lady. She’s got a few kids at the university I go to. Running this place means long days and short nights for her, but it’s paid her children’s ways through college. She likes to joke that they better put her in a nice nursing home when she gets older.

  “Hi, Kay. It's good to be back. This is...” I trail off as I'm not sure how to introduce Derek. We haven't really had that talk yet. We're together, but do I say he's my boyfriend? That sounds so lame. Do I say he's my friend?

  “I'm her boyfriend, Derek. It's very nice to meet you, Kay,” he says as he shakes Kay’s hand and smiles.

  “Well, it's nice to meet you too, Derek,” Kay says as she smiles at me. “He's a handsome one, Emma. Good for you.” The way Kay lowers her voice and looks away with a blush makes my eyes widen. This is a side of Kay I haven’t seen before.

  I'm smiling from ear to ear, and it takes me a moment to realize what Derek just said. He's my boyfriend. It seems too childish for me to get all wound up over it. I pick up my water and hold the straw as I take a sip. Derek Wade is my boyfriend. The thought makes me want to laugh. He's so much more than a boyfriend, but I still like hearing the word. I like having a label on us, even if it does seem immature.

  “Yes he is, very handsome,” I say to Kay. “Derek, Kay is the owner of this restaurant.”

  “Oh, really?” he says. “Well, you've got a very nice place here. And you seem to do a great business.”

  “We do. Thank God,” Kay says, looking around her restaurant. “What can I get you two tonight?” she asks as she pulls out her notepad.

  “Can we have two of my favorite, Kay?” I ask with a smile.

  “Of course, baby girl. I’ll get that right in for you,” Kay says as she scribbles our order down on the pad and then puts it back into her apron.

  “What's your favorite?” Derek asks with a cocked brow.

  “You’ll just have to wait and see,” I say with a small smile.

  Derek’s phone goes off, and my eyes glance down to the table where the sound is coming from, but he doesn't look at it. He’s been ignoring his phone, ignoring everything really since we’ve gotten here. It makes me sad to think that he’s just turning his back on his entire life, but at the same time, some of it’s needed. There’s nothing there for him back home. He has his businesses which he can run without really being there for right now anyway. That’s the good part about being a silent partner. He's available online, and if we need to go back he can be there within a few hours. Right now he’s on vacation. Supposedly.

  “This is a pretty nice area,” he says absentmindedly. “Are the places you're interested in working at close by?”

  “Pretty close, within fifteen miles,” I answer him. I start picking at the napkin in my lap. It’s paper, and shreds easily.

  “I love this area.” I shrug as I talk, making it seem like it’s not a big deal. But this conversation is something that needs to happen. There are a lot of low-income areas around here, and the city has a really hard time finding teachers and counselors who last in these school districts. I want to make a commitment to be here and help these kids. That’s why I’m doing this, and why I got into this line of work.

  “So that was a big factor in deciding where I wanted to apply,” I tell him, as I take another sip of water. I look over to my right, waiting to see if Kay has our orders coming up soon or not. I know we need to talk about these things, but so much has happened so quickly. I’m nervous that he’s just not gonna want to stay here with me.

  “It looks like a place I could get used to,” he says as he taps his fingers on the table.

  “Really?” I ask, hopefully.

  “It could be. I'd have to look into it a little more,” he says easily, taking me by surprise. I just assumed he'd want to live back at home, since that's where his businesses are. I shift in my seat a little, excited to talk about what his plans are and what he wants to do while he’s here, but as I do, he gets up and says he needs to go to the bathr
oom.

  * * *

  I WATCH his back as he walks away and then my eyes drift to the other side of the booth. He left his wallet and phone on the table. My fingers itch to grab it. I need to know who’s been calling him. It’s not that I don’t trust him, I know that he's not up to anything, but I just need to know what he’s avoiding. I have a good guess it’s Tony. Sandra’s been messaging me a lot about it, about the two of them not getting along. Derek told me not to tell her the truth though. He doesn’t want anyone to know what happened between them.

  But it fucking kills me. He already lost his mom. I don’t want him losing his best friend too.

  His phone goes off again.

  I can’t resist anymore.

  The very thought that it could be Tony makes me need to look. This isn’t a habit that I’m going to be making. I’m not gonna be going through his things. Right now I’m just gonna blame it on curiosity. I’m quick to yank it off the table and hit the little button on the side. I scroll down: fifteen unread texts, five missed calls, and two voicemails.

  All from Tony.

  I hit the button on the side of the phone again and the screen goes black as I slide it back in its place. Right where he had it. It hurts to see how their friendship has deteriorated. I don’t know what to think about Tony. I know my sister loves him. And from what Derek says, Tony really did love Derek’s mom. I don’t know if I could’ve done what he did, but I know she was ready to go. She had some good moments in her life. She had some bad moments, too. She was ready for all of it to be over though. I know that’s true. So does Derek. Deep down in there somewhere. He knows. Even if it hurts.

  I wonder if things will ever go back to how they used to be between Tony and Derek. I hope so, since it doesn’t look like Tony’s going to be leaving Sandra’s side anytime soon. My throat dries, and I take another sip of water as Derek slides back into his seat.