Jobs spent the next few months in a tailspin, unsure of what to do next, even kicking around the idea of entering politics or becoming an astronaut. Instead, he founded two new companies: NeXT and Pixar. (That’s right, the same Pixar that’s responsible for every animated blockbuster you’ve ever seen a commercial for. )
The king had fallen, but he was clawing his way back up. He described this period as exceptionally freeing. Jobs said that getting fired had “replaced the heaviness of being successful with the lightness of being a beginner again,” and that this had rekindled his inner creativity. During this period, he also learned how to be a businessman—not just a creative.
Meanwhile, Apple was struggling. In 1996, they acquired NeXT, meaning Jobs once again worked for the company he’d founded. It didn’t take long for him to rise to the top once again, and soon he was CEO.
By this time, Jobs had learned the power of saying “no”. Apple engineers were working hard on a software product called OpenDoc, and Jobs killed it almost immediately upon his return. He described it as “shooting [the project] in the head.” He killed it, he claimed, because of a lack of company focus. Apple had all these brilliant people running around doing dozens of brilliant things at once, and all of those things were new and interesting and potential money-makers. The problem was that they were different, and the company couldn’t do everything at once. Jobs’s strategy—and it’s one we should probably emulate—was to focus on a few things at a time and do them better than anyone else. Speaking to the company’s developers, he explained:
“What happened was, you look at the farm that’s been created, with all these different animals going in different directions, and it doesn’t add up. The total is less than the sum of the parts. And so we had to decide: What are the fundamental directions we’re going in? And what makes sense and what doesn’t? And there were a bunch of things that didn’t. And micro-cosmically they might have made sense; macro-cosmically they made no sense.
When you think about focusing, you think, well, focusing is about saying yes. No. Focusing is about saying no. ”
Breathe: Looks Can Be Deceiving
Take a breath. Saying “no” isn’t going to wreck your life. You’re not going to hurt people’s feelings. You’re not going to miss out on critical opportunities. By the end of this chapter, you’ll know how to refuse gracefully and to develop laser-like focus.
Jobs pointed out something critical: When you’re saying no, often you’ll be saying it to things that look like good opportunities. Maybe they actually are good opportunities. They’re not just for you—at least not right now. It’s easy to say “no” to things that don’t interest you. It’s much harder to say “no” to things that are tempting: ideas that you know are good, projects that excite you, or relationships that are new and intriguing. Discerning which opportunities are truly worthwhile is a skill that may take some trial and error to develop, but the most important thing for you right now is to start cultivating a mindset in which you respect your own time and understand that it’s a limited resource. Stop wasting your own time, and stop letting others waste it for you.
Decide to do things with intention. One of the biggest differences between people who are good at achieving their goals and people who aren’t is that the former tend to grasp intentionality in a different way. They do things deliberately, not arbitrarily, and they make it a habit, whether it’s in their work, their love life, or their approach to their own health and wellness. And guess what? You’ll hear me say it a million times, but once you make this a habit, it becomes easy. Anyone can train themselves in this way. The more you say “no” and the more you choose to laser-focus your energy, the easier it becomes.
Do you sometimes feel like obligations have piled up to the point that you’re spread thin? Are you used to the weight of those obligations just sort of sitting in the back of your mind? Take a moment to imagine what it would be like if you had fewer entanglements. Imagine how it would feel to be able to think about what’s right in front of you instead of worrying about the other things you’ll need to take care of later, or tomorrow, or next week. After you read this paragraph, put the book down. Take a deep breath. Let yourself relax. Then picture what your life will be like when you’re free to focus your time and energy on the stuff you really should be doing and the people who really matter. Once you can see it, decide you’re going to start taking steps in that direction. Then pick the book back up, because we’re going to get started.
Focus: How to Say No Gracefully
Before you can take action, you need to focus in on the proper way to do it. You may know Tim Ferriss, author of Tribe of Mentors and The 4-Hour Workweek . When writing Tribe of Mentors , Ferris asked dozens and dozens of successful people to lend him some life advice for the book, and many turned him down. What’s interesting here is not that they declined—we’ve already discussed all the reasons why they’d do that—but how they declined. For Ferris, the similarities between the rejection letters were striking, both in their similarity and in their effectiveness. They were direct and to the point, but they were also respectful, even kind. Each had a similar structure:
1) Personal acknowledgment.
It’s not rocket science: people want to think you’re not just giving them a kneejerk brush-off. A simple sentence or two that in some way demonstrates that you’re paying attention to the correspondent and their request goes a long way towards taking the sting off of saying no.
Example: “Hey, Mark! Thanks for getting in touch and asking me to do an interview for your podcast. I listened to the latest episode on my drive to the office today, and it was great.”
2) Telling them that you’ve got too much on your plate.
Chances are, you’re saying no because you’re short on time, not because the correspondent is a jerk or because their pitch is dumb, so it’s enough to just tell them that you’re already overcommitted as it is. People like being spoken to directly and honestly. That’s how friends talk to one another.
Example: “Unfortunately, I’m going to have to pass, at least for now. I’m honored that you’d ask, but the fact of the matter is that I’m covered up with other responsibilities right now.”
3) Explanation that you have to focus on your own priorities right now.
People can sympathize with the feeling of being stretched thin, and it’s fair game to explain that you simply have to keep your eye on the ball right now.
Example: “I always want to jump on every opportunity that comes my way, by lately I’m finding that if I don’t carve out some time for myself I’ll never get my own projects finished.”
4) Explanation of what those priorities actually are.
People sympathize even better if you tell them a little about what those priorities are. You don’t have to give them your whole life story, but specifics help.
Example: “I’m actually writing a book called Breathe, Focus, Attack, and the deadline from my editor is right around the corner.”
5) Explanation of why this prior commitment is very important right now.
On occasion, people will still think you’re making a mistake, because their opportunity is clearly more important than whatever you’re doing. This has happened to me before. “I understand where you’re coming from,” they’ll say. “But I would hate for you to regret not getting involved down the line.” So far, they’ve never been right .
Example: “I’ve wanted to write a book pretty much my whole life, so it’s a dream come true, and I want to focus all of my energy on doing it as well as I can.”
6) Tell them you have a general policy of not taking on any new responsibilities at this time.
Basically a classic “it’s not you, it’s me” line.
Example: “As such, at this time I’m not taking on any new obligations. Again, I really appreciate you reaching out about it, and I hope we get to collaborate on something in the future.”
Put all of this together, and you’ve got yourse
lf a compact little one-paragraph response that will protect your time whilst keeping you classy and thoughtful. Not too shabby. These same basic principles can be applied to real-life interactions just as easily, and obviously they don’t have to be work-related. Think about the ways that your social life may also encroach on itself. You only get one Saturday night a week, after all. Are you the kind of person who often finds themself attending events out of a sense of obligation, instead of spending that time the way you’d really like to or with the people you’d really like to? Well, buckle up, because it’s time to start turning people down.
Attack: Part 1 — Protect Your Time
Identify what you most think you should truly be doing. The thing that your soul tells you is your calling, the thing you were born to do. Now, identify the responsibilities in your life right now that are keeping you from spending more time on that. If you don’t protect your own time, nobody will, and you may find it slipping away little by little .
Attack: Part 2 — Mind Map
This is the first mind map you’ll be creating as a part of going through this book, but it’s not going to be the last. I’ve found them enormously helpful in terms of jumpstarting my own creativity and getting information out of my head. All mind maps share the same structure, but there are few rules here. Basically, we’re listing out items and their relationships but in a more fluid and natural way than a simple list. As an example, I might start my map with a single concept in a circle on the center of the page. For this chapter, it’s going to be:
The whole point of this chapter is that time is a limited resource. It’s a precious currency, and you can’t spend it on multiple things at once. As such, wrangling my time use and better controlling my obligations means identifying roadblocks that stand in my way. These might be my own habits, or they might be the result of saying “yes” to things other people want me to do that I shouldn’t be doing. So far, not exactly complicated, right? Next, I’ll add sub-categories as offshoots from that central concept:
You see where this is going, right? I’ve identified four major areas of my life that are important to me, areas where I’m happy but want to improve even further. One of the major advantages of this brainstorming method is that expressing the ideas visually like this allows you to see relationships and make comparisons in a way you otherwise wouldn’t. You may not be used to writing things out at all, but bear with me, sincerely try this out, and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Let’s say I drill down another level:
Now I’m getting into specific roadblocks in red that are keeping me from achieving as much as I could in each of these areas. At a glance, it looks like there are more hurdles to clear in the “Health” arena than “Social.” I’m not that off-base in that area of my life, though perhaps instead of going to happy hour after work, I could spend some of that time going to the gym more often—I could eliminate two roadblocks in one swipe! Remember, everything’s a trade-off. Every time I’m hanging out at the bar, I’m not doing something else. There has to be some balance. As for dating? Let’s assume I’m trying to find the person I’ll spend the rest of his life with. Well, I’ve identified two dealbreakers: I can’t imagine being married to someone who wouldn’t travel the world with me, and I’m sure I want children one day. If that’s true, I should say “no” to dating people who don’t align with that. No matter how beautiful she is, if I go out with her, I’m wasting her time and mine.
Health is no different, and at a glance it looks like I’ve got further to go in this area of his life than in any of the others. I might not even have recognized it until now, seeing it on paper. Every time I eat a meal or choose a drink or undertake some form of exercise, I’m doing that to the exclusion of something else. For the purposes of our example let’s say I’m trying to generally live a healthier lifestyle—well, I should say “no” to taking too many days off of exercise, eating any fast food, and smoking the occasional cigarette. Every time I say “no” to one of these things, I’m focusing on a decision that will benefit my end goal. And after saying “no” to fast food for a little while, for example, it will become easier to say “yes” to a healthy lunch and harder to say “yes” to an unhealthy one.
You get the picture. If we’re being real about it, mind mapping may seem like a silly activity at first, but if you put your ass in a chair, whip out a notebook, and try it out, you’ll find that your subconscious finds its way onto the page. I’ll encourage you to do these for several subjects as the book goes on.
Chapter Three :
Friends
I’d like to kick this chapter off by making an assertion: most average people don’t consciously choose the people they surround themselves with. Without thinking too much about it, they may naturally gravitate towards people they feel comfortable around, and then circumstance and proximity sprinkle a few more people into the mix. People settle into routines. As they get older, they often stop seeking out new and different relationships altogether. It’s easy to become complacent and content with the status quo, even in terms of who we hang out with.
People with above-average success do most things with above-average intentionality, which includes consciously choosing the people they surround themselves with. Studies have suggested that people with strong, healthy friendships experience less stress, recover from setbacks more quickly, and achieve more.
High-profile examples of the opposite abound. Celebrities who slip into addiction often surround themselves with people who facilitate bad choices and discourage recovery. Or take, for example, major scandals in the business world. Remember Enron? Friendships and business relationships at the executive level among toxic individuals created a culture of dishonesty and greed, and the results speak for themselves: 11 executives were indicted, and the company’s shareholders lost $74 billion. The effects trickled down to the rank and file as well, with tens of thousands of employees losing their jobs and pensions. We should always be striving to surround ourselves with people who bring out the best in us, not the worst, but sometimes it’s easier said than done. Sometimes, it’s not clear which is which.
Sociological research suggests that happiness, sadness, and other emotions spread through social groups similar to the way viruses do. A study from the Royal Society of London, for example, found that for every positively-minded person you keep in your life, your own likelihood of exhibiting a positive outlook increases by 11%. The opposite is also true but even harsher: for each unhappy person you have a relationship with, your chance of becoming unhappy doubles. 3
All along, I’ve been trying to encourage you to be more proactive and less reactive, to take tangible steps towards creating the life you want for yourself. A vital part of that equation isn’t about you at all—it’s about who your friends are.
Takers and Toxic Relationships
What is a toxic relationship? Simply put, it’s a relationship that is harmful to one of the parties involved. Healthy relationships involve give and take, with both friends propping each other up, supporting one another, and helping in times of need. The toxic individual tends to be more self-centered and manipulative in their dealings with others, though they may go their entire lives without ever realizing it. In fact, toxic people usually don’t know they’re toxic. That requires both a self-awareness and an empathy towards others that they lack. They’re too worried about themselves for it to occur to them that maybe there’s something you need out of the friendship that they’re not giving you. Toxic relationships come in all shapes and sizes and can extend beyond friendships—you might have a toxic boss, parent, or spouse.
How Do You Know If You’re in a Toxic Relationship?
Judge it by its fruit. If the friendship has more negative than positive effects in your life, the odds are good that it’s bringing you down. Honest answers to the following questions might provide some clarity:
Do you feel emotionally drained after dealing with this person?
When you know you’re going to spend
time with this person, do you feel happy or apprehensive?
Do you worry about this person interacting with other people you know?
Do you feel that you have to keep your guard up when you’re around them?
Have this person’s actions caused negative consequences in your life?
Do they lie or manipulate often?
Does their presence in your life add problems to your life or remove them?
What Can You Do If You’re in a Toxic Relationship?
You’ve got three options:
1) You can stay in the relationship as-is. This is rarely the right option. New results require new circumstances, right? When people stay in relationships that are bad for them—whether they’re social, romantic, or professional—it’s often because they feel guilty exiting them. Don’t. Sometimes you have to prioritize your mental and emotional health. You have to take care of yourself and protect yourself in order to thrive. If it feels rude or mean to willingly distance yourself from a toxic friend, just remind yourself that they are doing you harm_through their behavior, and by not changing something about the dynamic you’re enabling them.
2) You can attempt to repair the relationship. This probably means talking with the toxic friend about their behavior. Remember, they probably don’t realize they’re a bad friend. Unfortunately, many people will become defensive when confronted with concerns, especially if they’re the self-centered type—they may try to shift the conversation to the ways you have wronged them . Regardless, if you go this route, don’t let it become an argument. Go into this conversation with a clear objective in mind. For our friendship to work, [Insert Thing] needs to change. If it’s clear the change won’t happen, you already know you’re going to move on or limit your interaction with that person, so there’s no sense in allowing further negativity. On the other hand, some people will make a sincere attempt to change the dynamic of your relationship, which can be wonderful. In this case, ask yourself: what are your bottom lines? What behavior do they have to change for you to stick it out?
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