3) You can exit the friendship. If a relationship is sucking you dry and piling on challenges in your life as opposed to enriching it, you may be better off just moving on. Don’t think of it is as ending a friendship—think of it as identifying who your real friends actually are. Some people choose to simply taper off contact over time, allowing the relationship to fizzle and avoiding drama. People grow apart all the time. It’s a natural part of life. Think back to Chapter 2. By saying “no” to friendships that are holding you back, you free yourself up to say “yes” to new friendships that make you stronger, better, and happier.
Friends With Benefits
We’ve spent a few pages talking about ridding yourself of people who only drag you down, but there’s a brighter side. Friends, loved ones, and professional relationships can turbocharge your success in ways few other things can. We all know what “friends with benefits” are—well, all healthy friendships have a multitude of benefits, some of which you may not know.
That trite-sounding platitude about how “attitudes are contagious?” It’s true. Surrounding yourself with optimistic, positive people increases those traits in your own mind.
Better health. People with good friends not only suffer a lower incidence of mental health issues; there’s also a link to greater general phsysical health, including lower rates of cardiovascular disease. This may be due to a lower general level of stress, which is in and of itself invaluable.
Friends provide a valuable sounding board. They’ll give honest feedback about your ideas, suggest ways to improve, and give you a kick in the backside when you need it.
Friends can provide logistical support. Friends come with their own sets of skills, connections, and resources, meaning they can provide all kinds of support in making your plans become a reality.
Friends act as a safety net. Bigger successes also often mean bigger challenges and responsibilities. It becomes more important than ever to know that a good group of true friends has your back.
Friends lead to friends. The larger your social circle grows, the more influence you gain in other areas of your life. And friends introduce you to more friends.
The Five Types of Friends Successful People Have
Friends come in all shapes. Average people often seek out relationships simply based on unexamined impulses about whether they “like” someone, which is a vague enough notion in and of itself. And in most cases, when we say we “like” someone, what we really mean is that we like how they make us feel . Their presence puts us at ease or makes us laugh or makes us feel secure. That gains you one type of friend—what I’ll call a “pal” below. But not all friends are like that, and some friendships can be beneficial to you because they challenge you, push you to be your best self, educate you, or provide you opportunities to give back.
The Pals. This is the most stereotypical picture of a friend people usually have—the people you hang out with casually, the crew you join on Saturday nights, the people who attend parties you throw. Friends can be “pals” and other types of friends at the same time, but take care not to let other types of relationships (like business relationships) affect relationships that started as “pals.”
The Mentors. Mentorship is something of a hallowed new tradition in entrepreneurial circles, but for those just finding their professional legs, the term may sound foreign. We all know, of course, that a mentor is a more experienced individual that takes a long-term interest in fostering your growth. Be on the lookout for potential mentors as you grow. This might be a boss, a professor, a coach, or simply an acquaintance whose success and style you admire. You’d be surprised how willing people are to take on a mentor role in your life, as well as how generous they’ll be with their time and knowledge. Many successful people learned valuable lessons along the way from mentors themselves, so they’re apt to help set the next generation up for success. Additionally, successful and driven people are often passionate about what it is they do, so they may really enjoy teaching others.
The Pupils. Likewise, also look for opportunities to pass on the things you know to people who share an interest. Investing time in people is rewarding in its own right. Teaching others also solidifies and sharpens your own knowledge. In the medical world, the traditional framework for surgical training is to “See One, Do One, Teach One.” That is to say that watching someone else do a procedure lays the groundwork, and doing one yourself demonstrates basic proficiency. But when you successfully teach the procedure to another person, you know your understanding of the concepts is complete. You know why and how the treatment works—not just how to perform the steps. The same is true in all areas of life. Finally, good pupils tend become better contemporaries. When you help train someone up to the point that they themselves become successful, those people can become valuable and loyal connections.
The Partners. This primarily applies to business, but some relationships chiefly provide strategic benefits. Whether you “like” the friend in question is secondary. You may have differences of opinion with someone but still share common business goals and philosophies—that’s a friend of a different stripe, but it’s still one to seek out. This is a common mistake. With strategic partners, it’s not necessarily important how they make you feel or whether you enjoy their presence—it’s whether your friendship with them advances your common goals.
The Virtual Acquaintances. Today, the value of virtual acquaintances—”Internet friends”—can’t really be understated. Most of us spend all day long walking around with a computer in our pockets that can reach millions of people in the blink of an eye. It’s a remarkable thing. When the millionaires of your grandparents’ generation were making their fortunes, they didn’t have the Internet to leverage as a source of knowledge and connection, but you do. All manner of online communities exist that allow for the sharing of knowledge, building connections, and direct collaboration. With a minimum time investment, the Internet can help you grow your social circle exponentially.
Breathe: Identify Your Friendships
The time to complacently drift through social circles is over. It’s time to take a moment to step back and reflect on the people around you. Think back again to Chapter 2, and remember that when you’re saying “yes” to someone, you’re effectively saying “no” to someone else. Why? Because you’ve got limited time, but you’ve also got limited space in your brain.
What do I mean by that? There’s a limit to the number of meaningful relationships any of us can maintain, and there may even be a physiological mechanism that helps determine it. There’s a British anthropologist and evolutional psychologist by the name of Robin Dunbar for whom an idea is named: Dunbar’s Number. The quick and dirty version is this: Dunbar studied brain development and social behavior in monkeys, and he discovered a corellation between the brain size of monkeys and the size of the social groups they formed. Monkeys with bigger brains—smarter species of monkeys—were able to maintain larger social groups. Social groups in primates self-correct; if the population of a given troop gets too big, the monkeys begin to have problems. They can’t feed everyone, they get into fights, and things get generally messy. Eventually, Dunbar’s team was able to predict monkey group size by looking only at their brains. Without any other knowledge about a particular monkey species, they could measure the size of its brain and accurately predict the approximate population of that monkey’s community.
Can you guess where this is going? Applying the same ideas to human brains and extrapolating the results gets you a theoretical number of how many people the average human should be able to maintain stable relationships with. That number falls between 100 and 250, but it’s usually stated as being 150.
Of course, this is all a little oversimplified, and the theories surrounding it go into much more depth, but as a thought experiment it’s useful. You’ve got a social bubble around you, and only so many people can fit in it at once. If that’s the case, shouldn’t you be more aware of who is in it?
Take a
few minutes to just reflect on the composition of your social circle. Who are the people that have the strongest day-to-day impact on your life? Are any of them particular negative or particularly positive influences? Are there any relationships that you feel, perhaps on some gut level, could be more beneficial to you if you invested more time and energy into them? What would your ideal friend circle look like? The healthiest, happiest version of your social life? What concrete changes can you make to make it a reality?
Focus:
Maybe upon reflection, you’re realizing most of your friends are pals that you’ve semi-randomly accumulated along the way.
The opposite case can also occur. If all of your friends are facilitated through business, or if most of your friends are online, you may benefit from more face-to-face “pal” activity. Balance is key. Decide which types of friendships you should cultivate more of.
Attack: Diversify Your Friend Portfolio
Having decided which types of friendships you’d like to further develop, it’s time to put a plan into action. For each type of friend you might want more of, there’s a different action step below.
Pals: If you want to make some more casual friends, convert acquaintances or join a social activity. Can you think of some people you’ve met that you think could become better friends? Get in touch with them now. Organize a get-together for dinner or drinks. If you’d like to meet some totally new people, try joining an event related to a hobby or interest that meets in your area. If you’re in a large enough town, there are probably things like running/biking clubs, gaming groups, and even entreprenuerial meet-ups available to you. You just have to take a minute to look for them. Make a plan and schedule an activity for this week.
Mentors: Think of some people—preferably in your city—who are where you want to be. It doesn’t matter if you have a pre-existing social connection to them or not. Look up their e-mail, and if you can find it, drop them a line. Tell them that you admire their work and are yourself trying to make a name in the same field. Ask them a question or two. This opening salvo can easily lead to a larger conversation and may plant the seeds for a long and fruitful friendship.
Pupils: If you’re a boss, are there people who work for you that have shown a sincere interest in the work that you might cultivate? If so, make a plan to engineer a sit-down conversation with them this week. Find out what makes them tick. Ask them what their long-term goals are. Everyone’s motivations at work are different, and if you know theirs, you can learn how to best help them succeed. Alternatively, do some research on volunteer opportunities in to your community, programs in which you can pass on your time and knowledge.
Partners: Way back in the beginning of this book, we acknowledged the fact that most readers probably have a long-term overarching goal they’re working towards. With that in mind, what kind of person would make a valuable ally in achieving that goal? If you’re starting a business, for example, you might possess a strong strategic mind but lack a creative background—in that case, forging a relationship with a talented creative professional could be breathe some real life into your projects. Another example: if your goal is to live a healthier lifestyle, you might reach out to someone you know who’s in great shape and ask if you can work out with them. Regardless of your specific situation, think of someone whose goals align with your own, then take a concrete step and reach out to them. Not tomorrow, not next week. Right now, before moving on to the next chapter.
Virtual Acquaintances: Again, what’s your primary Big Goal right now? Seek out and join at least one online community related to that goal. Good places to start might be Facebook groups or Subreddit communities.
In Closing
They say you are the company you keep, and there’s probably some truth to that. And I know I’ve already said it, but if you do the same things you’ve always done, you’ll get the same results you always have. By phasing out toxic relationships and cultivating and diversifying healthy ones, you’ll see improvements in every area of your life.
* * *
3 . “Emotions as infectious diseases in a large social network: the SISa model.” Proceedings of the Royal Society of London B: Biological Sciences. http://rspb.royalsocietypublishing.org/content/277/1701/3827.short
Chapter Four :
What to Say Yes To
Imagine you’re in a public place —you can choose for yourself where—and someone suddenly yells “bomb!” You can see it right there in the middle of the room, and sure enough, it looks like a bomb: there’s a watch attached to what looks like packed explosives, connected by colored wires, just like something out of Die Hard . There’s a timer counting down from 30 seconds. Suddenly, a guy appears amidst the crowd and says, “Stand back, I’ve got this covered!” He’s rolling up his sleeves. He’s going to try to defuse it.
“So are you, like, some kind of bomb squad guy?” you ask.
“No,” he says. “It’s okay, though.”
“So then you must be ex-military.”
He’s starting to look annoyed now. “No, but I’m very smart. And I’m a nice guy. I never forget birthdays, I always pay my taxes, and I’m a great listener.”
You ask, “How does any of that matter now? Can you defuse the damn bomb or not?”
He’s baffled and aggravated. “What’s your problem?” he asks. “Aren’t you listening to me? Why are you being so close-minded? Don’t you care about my good qualities?”
Of course you don’t. In this moment, all you care about is whether or not he can fix the problem at hand. Do you want this guy attempting to disarm the bomb? Probably not. This is similar to a scenario proposed by writer David Wong in an article for Cracked.com 4 , and the point being illustrated is this: it doesn’t matter what great qualities you think you have. What matters is what you do with them . The world is full of problems waiting to be solved, and in a practical and brutal sense, you matter about as much as you can solve them.
When you hear someone lamenting that they’re smart and hard-working but they just can’t seem to get ahead professionally, it’s because they’re not utilizing those traits. When “nice guys” just can’t get a date, it’s because women don’t cares if they’re nice or not—they care about how that niceness manifests through action. They care about what their prospective date bring to the table and how their presence enriches their life. Lots of people are nice to pretty girls. It’s not special. So don’t ask yourself, how come I can’t own a successful company? Ask yourself, what things do people who own a successful company do that I'm not doing? Don’t ask why you can’t find a loving partner. Ask how you can become the kind of person who has a healthy dating life. See the difference?
In this chapter, there are two kinds of things to say “yes” to—the big ones and little ones. The macro and the micro. The big thing to say yes to is your primary purpose in life. The little things are the things that get you closer to achieving that purpose.
That probably means learning new habits and skills. It’s like we forget at some point in our adulthoods that we can still do that. You can definitely teach old dogs new tricks. You can learn new languages, musical instruments, and professional skills just as easily as you could when you were younger, but for whatever reason most of us forget. It probably has something to do with the way society structures us to think about education: when you’re a kid, you go to school. At some point, usually after high school or college, it’s time to “enter the real world,” at which point you’re supposed to become concerned with adult responsibilities. Of course, those first 18 years of your life are as “real” as any other, and becoming an adult doesn’t mean it’s time to stop learning. So how do you find your true purpose? I subscribe to the Venn diagram below:
‘X’ marks the spot. The best version of you doing the best work you can do in life lies at the intersection of what you love, what you’re good at, what you can get paid for, and what the world needs. Someone may be willing to pay you for something you’re great at, and that w
ill make a great job—but if you don’t love it, it’s just a paycheck. Or you may find something you’re passionate about that’s for a good cause, but if you can’t monetize it, it won’t ever be the way you pay your bills. There’s no rule that says your profession has to also be your mission, of course. You can work a 9-to-5, then come home and pursue your passion to your heart’s content. But if you can find that sweet spot where you’re doing what you love, that thing benefits others, and you’re making money, everything will click into place.
I can’t tell you what that looks like for your life. Nobody can. But think about the diagram, take a real inventory of your interests and talents, and see what ideas emerge. When you find that one activity where everything comes together, say yes to it. That’s your life’s greatest yes.
Making that purpose a reality involves a saying yes to a lot of other, smaller good habits along the way, just as it involves saying no to things that steer you off course.
How to Build New Habits
It’s all well and good to decide you want to say yes to some new and exciting venture. How do you actually do it? Saying yes is in some ways the easy part. People living mediocre lives do it all the time. I’m going to write a book this summer. I’m going to get in shape, starting this week. I’m going to finally start my own business. Following through is the hard part. And, of course, the fear of failing at whatever the endeveaur is can either stop someone from ever making a real effort or become a self-fulfilling prophecy. So how do we avoid this fate? It’s simple: rig the game. Set the bar low so that you can succeed more easily, and you’ll naturally start to develop a habit of success. Perhaps you want to run a marathon, for example. Don’t try to force yourself to run 10 miles a day in the lead-up. At first, maybe you just shoot for one mile on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Soon, that thrice-weekly run will become a part of your normal routine, and your natural inclination will be to avoid skipping it, not to avoid doing it. In this way, you train your brain. After a few weeks, you can start making your runs longer. You have to learn to crawl before you can run, and this is also something we seem to forget as we get older. We’re comfortable being beginniners when we’re younger—it’s a state we often find ourselves in. As we get older, we cling more fiercely to our comfort zones. When we hit goals, even if intellectually we know we’ve set the bar low, our dopamine spikes. Dopamine is the “feel-good neurotransmitter,” the same chemical the brain releases when you eat something delicious or get a kiss from a loved one. Whenever your brain doses itself with dopamine, it wants to repeat the behavior that caused the reaction. So, the more you succeed, the more your brain pushes you to do the same thing. That’s important, because as a general rule the human brain favors routine over new things, even when those routines are objectively not in your best interest. So, to suceed we want to retrain the brain.
Breathe, Focus, Attack Page 3
