There is one key requirement to making this strategy work: you have to have goals. Keep them easily attainable at first, but have them.
The biological side of all of this goes deeper still. According to a 2016 study in Neuron , goals and habits are stored in different areas of the brain. The orbitofrontal cortex is responsible for converting things you wish you did into things you naturally want to do. You can help your endocannaboid system along by giving it a specific context for the new habit. 5 So, in the case of our marathon example, you’ll develop the running habit more quickly if you always run after work, or always run at 6:00 AM. Attach the new habit to any sort of specific context, and it will solidify more quickly.
There’s another, secondary strategy to employ here, too: break big challenges down into little ones. The thought of writing an entire book can be overwhelming, so don’t think about writing an entire book. Think about writing the first chapter. The week after that, you can worry about the next chapter, then the next. Focus on the task immediately in front of you, and as long as you put one foot in front of the other and keep on going, you’ll succeed .
Good Examples of Things to Say Yes To
Again, I’m talking about the sorts of everyday success-building habits to say “yes” to that get you to your bigger “yes”—your ultimate mission. As I’ve said, the brain loves routine and hates novelty, and paradoxically that’s bad for us, even on a chemical level (new and novel experiences increase seratonin production, which helps us feel happy and fulfilled.) Below is a casual list of 10 things that you should almost always say yes to.
Meeting new people and inviting them to hang out.
Reading. It’s almost never a bad time to be reading.
Turning off your devices and leaving them off for a while.
Accepting help, whether it’s for something big, or in the workplace, or when an employee at a store asks you if you need help finding something.
Decluttering your life, including throwing out old knick-knacks or donating clothing you never wear anymore.
Catching up with old friends.
Going to bed extra early every once in a while.
Try out a new hobby you’ve always been interested in.
Hand-writing letters and cards.
Doing something you’ve never done before.
Breathe: Time Out For Meditation
This time, I’m going to suggest you literally focus on your breathing. Saying “yes” to meditation is something a startling number of successful people do. I’ve mentioned Tim Ferris’s excellent Tribe of Mentors already—well, in the course of interviewing over 200 successful people, one unexpected tidbit that Ferris learned is that over 80% of them meditated. It didn’t matter if they were a professional athlete, millionare entrepreneur, or gifted artist.
Mindfulness is one of the best kept secrets of the business world, which is why you’ll find meditation spaces on numerous Silicon Valley campuses. It probably won’t surprise you to learn that our revered Steve Jobs was into meditation, too. In fact, he was into meditation before it was cool. He traveled to India in 1974, and after he got a taste for the contemplative life transformed it into an ongoing part of his professional life. He had this to say about it:
“If you just sit and observe, you will see how restless your mind is. If you try to calm it, it only makes it worse, but over time it does calm, and when it does, there’s room to hear more subtle things — that’s when your intuition starts to blossom and you start to see things more clearly and be in the present.”
If you take a glass of the muddiest river water you can find, set it down on a counter, and leave it, what happens? It settles. In fact, it begins to settle almost immediately. The dirt and grime that seem to define the water sink to the bottom of the glass, and what’s left is clear, sparkling water—clarity is restored. The mind works the same way. Taking even just a few minutes to sit still and allow the brain to settle has remarkable benefits.
When we meditate regularly, we also learn to be more aware of the interactions between mind, body, and emotion, seeing the ways in which they affect each other. We see how our negative emotions feed physical responses—increased heartrate, flushing of the face, etc.—and how this in turn re-feeds the negative emotion, creating a biofeedback loop that’s hard to shake. Simply learning to be aware in the moment when these things are happening creates a sense of space between our experience of emotions and our need to react to them. We’ve talked about how anxiety, for example, can paralyze people into inaction. Worrying about the potential negative consequenes of taking a risk can keep people from ever taking the risk, and that’s how life becomes stagnant. With routine meditation, we can train ourselves to see an emotional like anxiety as less like an overwhelming sense of being and more like traffic passing by our field of vision. We can note that it’s coming and watch it go without allowing it to take hold.
Meditation is a skill and a habit, and hopefully the previous section has prepared you to take that on. There’s really no wrong way to meditate, but there are an infinite number of useful resources on the subject. These days, one of the most popular ways to help build the habit is through meditation apps. Headspace, Calm, and Insight Timer are among the more popular ones as of 2018.
Start off slow. Maybe just try five minutes at a time. Surely you can find five minutes a day, right? Again, attach it to a specific context to solidify the habit. You might always do it right after taking your morning shower or right after you eat lunch, for example. It’s useful to do it closer to the beginning of your day, so you can carry that clarity forward.
Focus: Give it a Try
I do recommend doing some research or trying a meditation app, but for the sake of giving it a try, for the first few days you can just do this:
Set a timer for the length of time you want to sit. Do this so you don’t feel compelled to look at the time to see how long you’ve been sitting.
Sit down in a chair or on the floor in any posture that feels comfortable. Try to avoid lying down in bed.
Take just a moment to be aware of the space around you—any smells or sounds that jump out to you. Note also the way your body feels: the points of contact between your body and the chair, any tension in the muscles, etc.
Either close your eyes or leave them partially opened with a “soft focus,” not looking at anything in particular.
Focus on the breath. Breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth, loud enough that you can hear it. If it helps, count. One on the inhalation, two on the exhalation. Three on the inhalation, four on the exhalation. When you get to ten, start over.
That’s it. Your brain will jump all over the place. You’ll start thinking of all sorts of things—anything other than the breathe. This is often called the “monkey mind,” and you can’t fight it. Instead, whenever you notice your mind is thinking about something other than the breath counting, just gently note it and return your attention to the breath.
At the end of your session, take a moment to notice how you feel, both mentally and physically. If you give this a shot for just a couple of days, I think you’ll be surprised at the results you get back. Very quickly, the mind starts to retrain itself to behave in a less scattered, less frenetic way, and this new sense of focus and clarity can have a profound impact on every area of life.
Attack: Your Personal Mission Statement
You’re familiar with corporate mission statements, but you may have less experience with personal mission statements—sometimes called purpose statements. Steven R. Covey kicked the practice off in his motivational classic The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People , and the practice has grown since then. Personal mission statements are useful for two reasons.
First, there’s something to be gained from sitting back and reflecting upon how you see yourself and your purpose in the world. As we’ve just discussed in the previous section, people’s heads go a mile a minute, and it’s all too easy to get caught up in the turmoil of the worl
d without ever taking some time out for introspection.
Secondly, a personal mission statement gives us a greater sense of focus and a cause to rally behind. Whenever things get hectic, you can return to your attention to your personal statement to remind yourself who you are and what you’re about. This will become even more important once you start finding success. When your life starts changing, it’s easy to suddenly look back and find that you and what you stand for have also changed. Your personal statement can help you avoid that fate.
Author William Arruda suggests a three-part template for how to write these, which you can use if you find it helpful: The value you create + who you’re creating it for + the expected outcome. 6 For example: I use my expertise in commerce to bring products to people to help them live better lives while spending less money.
Here are a couple of good ones from highly successful CEOs, some of whom you probably know:
“To have fun in my journey through life and learn from my mistakes.”
– Sir Richard Branson, founder of the Virgin Group
“To be a teacher. And to be known for inspiring my students to be more than they thought they could be.”
– Oprah Winfrey, founder of OWN, The Oprah Winfrey Network
“To use my gifts of intelligence, charisma, and serial optimism to cultivate the self-worth and net-worth of women around the world.”
– Amanda Steinberg, founder of DailyWorth.com
“I want to make it so that every person in the world can afford to start their own business.”
– John Rampton, founder of web-hosting company Hostt.com 7
It’s your turn. Take a few minutes to reflect upon what you bring to the table, what you care about most, who you want to serve, and where you want to go in life. Then, write your first personal mission statement. You may write several over the course of the next few days or months or years, but when you find one that feels right, stick with it until it doesn’t feel right anymore. (Don’t be afraid to let this evolve as you and your life evolve, but only change it when it stops feeling useful.) For today, let’s start with one. Write it down now or type it up somewhere.
Once you’re set on a personal mission statement, train yourself to remind yourself each day. Let it become a mantra. You’ll find that a greater sense of focus rises to the surface, and you’ll have a better idea of what to say yes to, because those things will align with your mission.
* * *
4 . Wong, David. “6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person.” http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person.
5 . Gremel, Christina. M, et al. “Endocannabinoid Modulation of Orbitostriatal Circuits Gates Habit Formation.” Neuron. https://www.cell.com/neuron/fulltext/S0896-6273%2816%2930157-X#%20.
6 . Arruda, William, and Deb Dib. Ditch. Dare. Do!: 3D Personal Branding for Executive Success: 66 Ways to Become Influential, Indispensable, and Incredibly Happy at Work! TradesMark Press International, 2013.
7 . Hendricks, Drew. “Personal Mission Statement of 13 CEOs and Lessons You Need to Learn.” Forbes. https://www.forbes.com/sites/drewhendricks/2014/11/10/personal-mission-statement-of-14-ceos-and-lessons-you-need-to-learn/#61af584d1e5e.
Chapter Five :
Identifying Your Non-Negotiables
Let me tell you about three people I know. I’ve changed their names and some specifics to protect their privacy.
Dylan
Dylan was a Vice President at an enormous, thriving multi-national corpo-ration that you have probably heard of. He had worked at this company, starting from the very bottom, for twenty years when he realized he was not happy. He had money and power to spare, but he was constantly traveling, working long hours, and struggling to facilitate change within the bureaucracy of the company. So, he quit. In his 40s, he left the company to join a scrappy, small start-up company in the same industry, taking a position that required no travel and easier hours, allowing him to spend more time with his family and pursue other non-work interests, something he hadn’t really done in decades .
Janice
Janice finished law school at a young age and immediately began practicing law. She was an excellent lawyer; her natural charisma and strong demeanor translated well to making confident, intelligence arguments in court, and her clients appreciated her for her good nature and attentiveness. After a few years, however, Janice found the work demoralizing. She came to realize that her job was in large part to argue professionally, and she didn’t like the way that made her feel, even if it was for a good reason. It was taking an emotional and psychological toll. What’s more, she was inundated constantly by the worst parts of society, surrounded by stories of crime, infidelity, and corporate malfeasance. She decided it wasn’t a good fit, and she walked away. She went back to school to study writing. Now she focuses her energy on publishing poems, and she works as an editor.
Michael
Michael went to college for software engineering and snagged a good gig early on as a software developer at a start-up. The start-up grew rapidly, and his role grew along with it. Within a few years, he’d worked his way up to a senior developer position, managing a team of programmers. There was a lot to like. The money was great, and he had significant creative control over the projects they worked on. After a couple years, however, he was sick of it. He was sick of cubicles and board rooms. He was tired of staring at a computer screen and bored of looking at code. He too walked away, returning to the job he’d had in college, a job he loved—waiting tables at an Italian restaurant. He loved the people he’d worked with there, the money was enough to support his frugal lifestyle, and at night he focused on writing a sports blog and devoting time to relationships.
The Point
We’ve talked a lot about the kind of scenario where someone isn’t happy with their level of success and starts making changes, even later in life, to transform their situation. In these three examples, these people made radical professional changes that resulted in way happier lives but far less income—because for them, the financial independence isn’t what they valued most. And they’re awesome because they show how the core principles we’re thinking about work in so many different situations. It’s not hard to imagine Janice being afraid to walk away from a law practice to write poetry, and most people wouldn’t have the guts to make that leap. It’s easy to see how Dylan could have scoffed at the risk involved with leaving a very financially comfortable position to join up with a smaller, family-owned company. Even though Michael was perfectly happy waiting tables a couple of days a week and made enough money to be satisfied, you can imagine how some people might scoff at that choice. But all three of these people took a step back to reflect honestly about their lives, made a plan of action, and put it into play. In other words, they breathed, focused, and attacked. That’s what we’re all about.
All three of these people identified their non-negotiables, but it took each of them decades to do it. Each of them was in their early 40s when they made these career switches.
Many people would happily switch places with all three of these people, which just goes to show you how different people’s priorities really are. Because something’s a “good job” or someone’s “marriage material” on the surface doesn’t mean it’s right for you . Which brings us to my next point.
Knowing What You Really Want
There’s no secret technique to knowing what you really want. You already know. The problem is that sometimes that knowledge lies deep down within us, and it can be difficult to differentiate what we our must-haves _really_ are from what we only think they are. Most of us will gain some clarity simply through the process of living. There’s trial and error, for one. (Who hasn’t gotten something they wanted, only to realize it wasn’t what they thought it was?) There’s also the heightened self-awareness that comes from growing as a person, both through the intentional process of self-improvement ( including a lot of the work we’ll do later in this book) as well as ju
st growing older and wiser.
That said, you can get to the truth more quickly if you do some soul-searching and try to identify what some call “compensatory reactions.” Way back in the beginning of this book, I talked about how many—if not most—people just kind of arbitrarily drift through life, making decisions without an overarching long term plan, usually informed by their emotional response to changes. Our personal history can play an overbearing role in how we progress, and we may not even realize it.
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