Leap of Faith

by Cameron Hamilton

  Cameron

  For my part, I’d never had any fantasies about my wedding day, so it was much easier for me to accept the unconventional state of affairs. Still, I could tell that not being able to have the wedding she’d always envisioned was taking its toll on Lauren. It was difficult to process at first, because we had just come back from our proposal-moon—the most romantic week of my life—and now Lauren was clearly stressed about our wedding.

  On top of Lauren’s obvious anxiety about the wedding, her aunt passed away during that period. I came home after work one day to find Lauren wrapped in a blanket, silently crying. She told me what had happened and I asked her what I could do.

  “I just need some space to grieve. It’s nothing against you, but with all the filming and the wedding and now my aunt passing, I need to be alone.”

  “Okay. I’ll give you some space. I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  It was difficult to give her space when I saw how distraught she was. My natural tendency is to want to “fix” things by talking through them. But I learned that it is better to respect your partner’s wishes when they are going through something, rather than trying to impose your own approaches on them. I began to understand that the more I give her the alone time she needs, the stronger our connection is when we do spend time together.

  The day after her aunt passed, we had to go to the courthouse to apply for our marriage certificate. Lauren’s hands were shaking so much while filling it out, we had to start over a couple times. We sat down on the steps outside the courthouse after finally submitting the application.

  “What do you want to do?” I asked her.

  “I know I love you, Cameron,” she said. “And I know I want to marry you. I just don’t know if I want to marry you one week from now. I just wish we had more time.”

  It was hard to hear that she was still unsure about getting married, but at the same time I understood. If we really loved each other and wanted to get married, what was the rush? It was the format of the show that was pushing this accelerated timeline, all in the name of entertainment. Of course, we wanted to blame Production for how unfair it seemed to have to abide by this timeline, but the truth was we knew what the deal was going into this experiment. But this was the rest of our lives! It was easy to agree to the conditions of the experiment when I thought there was little chance I would be engaged. Now that I had found the love of my life and she was uncertain about getting married in a couple weeks, I had learned the hard way not to try and predict the future. At this point, I did not know what to expect. All I knew for sure was I wanted to be with Lauren, married or not.

  All that in mind, I was still resolute that I was ready to marry Lauren. Her reservations led me to further evaluate if there was anything I was missing, any reason we should not get married in a couple weeks’ time. I ran through all the counterfactuals I could think of: What if one of us has to take a job opportunity somewhere else? What if we suffered a loss together? What if we started to get bored in our marriage later on? Would we be able to work through a vast disagreement in the future if neither one of us was willing to compromise? The list goes on. What I confirmed for myself was that there was no one else I would rather face any challenge with than Lauren. Sure, I realized there are always more people out there to date. But I had done my fair share of dating and no one had ever made me feel remotely as sure about our relationship as Lauren. She was and is the one. I didn’t need any more time to figure that out.

  Once I put to rest that last bit of uncertainty, I felt a sense of calm about where I stood. Still, I wanted to know what Lauren would say on our wedding day, but she was transparent about the fact that she was still deciding. I resisted the urge to try to convince her that it was the right decision. Instead, I did my best to be as supportive as possible, to see things from her perspective, and to put my own selfishness aside.

  Lauren

  Cameron’s kindness helped me sort through the uncertainty, but I was still tied up in knots over the prospect of tying the knot. Even the logistics of the invite list left me paralyzed by indecision. Cameron was excitedly getting his list together, but all I could think about was having to explain this insane story dozens of times over. I kept playing the conversation in my mind:

  Me: Hey there, I’m calling to invite you to my wedding.

  Them: Wedding? I didn’t even know you were dating.

  Me: Yeah, well, that’s the thing. I went on a reality dating show and met my future husband.

  Them: Oh!

  Me: And the wedding is in two weeks.

  Them: Oh!!!

  The deeper I spiraled into these imaginary conversations, the more absurd the whole situation seemed. One morning I called up my mom in tears.

  “You know, even if you weren’t on this crazy reality show,” she said, “and the wedding wasn’t happening under such unusual terms, you would probably be having a lot of the same feelings.” That provided some comfort, hearing that most brides go through some version of this freak-out. But I still felt like I needed some serious “me time” to make sense of the situation. About a week before the wedding, I approached Cameron with that request.

  “The next time we have a day off from filming, I want to be alone,” I told him. “I’m going to spend a night or two at my apartment. I just need some time to myself to mentally breathe.” I knew this was going to make Cameron anxious, but if there was any chance of my making it down the aisle, it was something I had to do. Cam is right that times of crisis call for empathy from your partner, but it’s also important to make sure you’re giving yourself the necessary self-care. As long as there’s good communication, those two needs can be met simultaneously.

  That time alone in my apartment was so important to the process. I basically sat on the couch and alternated between writing in my journal and praying. At a certain point, I opened a bottle of wine, turned up the music, and danced alone in the living room. I reflected on my Eat, Pray, Love phase from a year earlier, the trips to Cuba, Italy, and France, and all the soul-searching that I’d done in that time.

  I took in my apartment, the artwork that I’d carefully selected and the many little keepsakes and curios that made the space my own. I thought to myself, Wow, I’m about to leave this all behind. But instead of filling me with fear, the thought brought comfort. In that moment, I realized that I wasn’t leaving this life behind. I was using it as the foundation for a new life with Cameron. The travels, the apartment, the self-reflection, all that work is what made it possible for me to do Love Is Blind, find Cameron, and fall in love.

  I danced to one more song in the living room—“Kiss of Life” by Sade—then sat back down on the sofa. I was still a jumble of nerves over the wedding planning, but there was finally a stillness in my heart. I picked up the phone and tapped on Cameron’s name.

  “Hey, babe,” he answered.

  “Hi, Cameron,” I said. We talked for a couple minutes. I could feel his nervous tension through the line.

  “So I’ve made a decision,” I said finally.

  “Okay, what did you decide?” he asked.

  “I’ve decided that I’m going to say ‘I do.’ ”

  There was an audible gasp on the other end of the phone.

  “That’s wonderful,” Cam said. We both started to laugh, and the laughter soon turned to tears of relief, joy, and ecstasy. I was over the moon.

  Cameron

  That was a moment too incredible for words. Through this extraordinary journey, that one little phone call left me feeling like I had ascended to heaven. I’d been on edge for the last few days, jittery and unable to concentrate. But in a moment, those feelings were washed away and replaced with the solace of knowing that everything was going to be okay.

  That’s a good thing too, because the final days of wedding preparations were a whirlwind. Of course, a big part of the premise of Love Is Blind is getting hitched on an accelerated timeline. As I mentioned, we mostly knew what we sig
ned up for. Still, there were parts of the process we never could have predicted.

  One morning we got a call from a producer. “Hey, we need you guys to pick out your rings in the next hour,” he said. After receiving a link to a ring website from the crew, we quickly reviewed the options together, settling on a simple yet elegant pair.

  So many decisions were made on the fly. Each day was another hallmark of the wedding-planning process. One day we had the cake testing and our dance rehearsal in the same morning. As Lauren already said, it was a logistical headache determining the guest list based on who might be able to attend on such short notice. We both limited our guest list to our closest family and friends whom we felt we needed there the most. While most of my family and friends were shocked to hear the story of Lauren’s and my adventure, I was amazed at how many of them dropped what they were doing and flew down to support me.

  The week leading up to the wedding, Lauren and I stayed at our respective places. We figured it would give us an opportunity to mentally prepare for what was about to come and, after the most intense six weeks of our lives, we needed some time to reflect. That said, we did stop by each other’s place a couple times for a visit.

  The night before the wedding, my twenty or so guests gathered at my house to celebrate. Friends were taking turns recounting some of the wilder things I had done that they had witnessed, but all agreed this took the cake. It was a blessing to spend that time with friends and family from all stages of my life and to have them all together in my home.

  The next morning, we made our way to the wedding venue, a historic mansion in Buckhead called The Estate. The scene was organized chaos; a thousand moving parts and everyone moving a hundred miles an hour in all different directions. Eventually, the producers led me and the rest of the groom’s party into the waiting room, which turned out to be the wine cellar. It was freezing down there. There was also a strange, nervous energy in the room. After filming day and night for seven weeks, I had started to take being in front of a camera for granted. I didn’t take stock of how weird and abnormal it must have been for my loved ones to see me getting married on television while surrounded by cameras themselves. Also, even though I didn’t grow up dreaming about my wedding day, I did always think this particular moment would be more celebratory, with lots of laughs, cheers, and champagne popping. Instead, everyone had deer-in-the-headlights, or should I say deer-in-the-spotlight, looks.

  I tried talking to my groomsmen and sister (my best person), but everyone was rather reserved. I could see in their faces they were overwhelmed by being thrown into a new reality that I had come to accept over the last two months. I made my way over to Mom, who is never at a loss for words. She told me that she was having trouble accepting this big step in my life, as she still saw me as her little boy. But Mom also expressed that she trusted my judgment and thought Lauren was a wonderful woman from the short time she had spent with her. She asked me if I was worried Lauren was going to say “I don’t.”

  “I just don’t want you to get your heart broken,” she said.

  “I am taking a leap of faith.”

  “Even in the most sure situations, it’s still a leap of faith.”

  It was difficult to see how hard this change was for her. Yet her final words were the reassurance I needed to make my way to the altar.

  After what felt like an eternity, it was time to walk down the aisle. The crew ushered my mom and me to the ceremony room. I hadn’t felt a rush like this since waiting behind the plexiglass doors to see Lauren for the first time. Back then, I was about to see her as my fiancée. This time, I would be seeing her as my bride.

  “Well, this is it, Cameron,” my mom said. “Are you ready?”

  “I’m ready,” I said.

  The door opened onto a surreal scene, with flowers, crystal chandeliers, and a harpist plucking a beautiful and ethereal melody. I would have been happy with plastic flowers and a cake from the grocery store. But I was impressed with the décor and ambiance. Purely by chance, most of my guests were dressed in blue and red, while Lauren’s side was in purple and red. So even the colors seemed to coordinate. I took my mom’s arm and we made our way down the aisle.

  Lauren

  “Surreal” is definitely the word. Standing on the other side of that door with my father, I remember thinking, Is this really happening? Is this just one long dream? Am I just going to wake up? The day had been good, nevertheless full of emotion. At one point, the producers had sat me down to talk with my mom. I don’t know if they put her up to this, but she said, “So here we are, giving you away to start your OWN family.” That triggered me and I started bawling.

  “Mom, how could you say that?” I cried. Throughout the entire process, it had been so important for me to maintain my identity. I didn’t want to lose myself and I didn’t want to feel like I was losing my family. So my mom’s words hit deep.

  “Oh, I didn’t mean it like that,” she said, walking back the comment. “I’m proud of you and I know that you guys will be great.”

  “Mom!” I shouted. “You know you can’t play around with my nerves like that.” I pretended to be more upset than I was, which I liked to do with my mom, since she would always respond by being extra comforting. It was one of those mother/daughter routines that we’d done since I was young. And in that moment, I needed a lot of extra TLC!

  “I’m sorry, baby, I’m sorry!” my mom cried, and gave me a big old hug. “You know I’ll always be here and I’ll always be your mom.” We hugged and I started to feel better, more grounded.

  As I was standing outside the ceremony room with my dad, seconds away from walking down the aisle, the nerves were firing again. The doors opened and I could see our families sitting there. I saw my mom, smiling through tears. I saw the harpist and thought to myself, Ooh, this is fancy. Then I saw Cameron, and he immediately started crying. At that, my dad started crying as well and soon everybody in the place was in tears. My instinct in those moments is to use humor to lighten the mood, so that’s what I did as we made our way to the altar, hamming it up with friends and relatives. But before long I was crying too.

  Honestly, the rest of the ceremony was a blur. Obviously, I’ve since watched clips of it on the show, but in my mind’s eye it’s just a patchwork of beautiful flashbacks—looking over at my family, seeing my brother make his now famous confused facial expressions, staring into Cameron’s eyes. And I remember the pastor saying, “I now pronounce you man and wife.” Cameron and I kissed before turning around and walking back down the aisle past a sea of smiling faces.

  Once we made it through the doors, we had a quick moment to ourselves.

  “We really did it,” Cameron said.

  “We’re really married,” I said.

  And that was that. Then we sang and danced the night away.

  Cameron

  Well, we wanted to dance the night away. The fact of the matter was, this was still a reality show wedding and there were still more shots to film. We barely had a chance to take in what part of the reception we were at before we were shuffled on to the next event: “Now it’s time for your first dance!… Now it’s time to cut the cake!… Now it’s time for speeches!” We did not get the chance to savor the traditional reception moments. While it was frustrating to be rushed through our reception, I was on cloud nine after Lauren said “I do”; nothing phased me that night. I understood that the crew was tired from having worked incredibly hard over those seven weeks, and I greatly appreciated everything they did to make the experience a success. Still, I could sense that our guests were tired with all the rushing around. Even Lauren’s dad, with his background in production, was a little bothered.

  Lauren

  A little bothered? Oh no, he was pissed off! In the middle of the reception, once Production had gotten enough tape, they made Cameron take his tux off so that they could return it. Not the classiest choice. And yeah, my dad went off on everybody. “You couldn’t wait until the end of the wedding?!”
I heard him shout.

  But you know what, everyone still had fun. There was an open bar, at least, so everyone had plenty of drinks. It was great to see everyone on the dance floor, including the two Pams and the two Bills. And Cameron in his T-shirt!

  Cameron

  There was a total sense of euphoria on the dance floor. I don’t even remember when the cameras stopped rolling. All I remember was the elation I felt that Lauren and I were married and we had the rest of our lives to continue our journey. I can remember Lauren’s aunt coming over and blowing bubbles on us. It was almost an out-of-body experience, one that made my frustrations with Production fade away. And while I was frustrated with Production at various points throughout the journey, as I have noted in this book, when I looked at my bride and all my loved ones around me I felt a profound appreciation for Production’s role in bringing this all together. While Lauren’s and my relationship and love for each other is completely our own, they provided an environment that helped foster our relationship. Out on the dance floor, with the music blaring and the bubbles floating overhead, it was like Lauren and I were the only two people on earth. I might not have been dreaming about my wedding day my entire life, but I realized that this was the wedding I always wanted.