by Kaye Kennedy
She released his hand and hugged me. "Ryan has told me a lot about you."
"Oh, has he?" I pinned him with my eyes and he grinned. "Did he tell you that I used to change his diapers?"
The room erupted in laughter.
Mrs. H added, "I was almost convinced that when Ryan said, 'Mom,' for the first time he'd say it to Allie. She used to tote him around on her hip and push him in the stroller like he was her baby doll."
I shook my head and giggled. "What can I say? At least you made one cute kid, Mrs. H."
That comment yielded mock outrage from the other guys and hearty laughter from the women.
When we sat down to dinner, Mrs. H, raised her wine glass. "I'd like to make a toast to finally having all of my kids at the table." She looked directly at me and my heart leapt. "Welcome home, Allie. To family."
"To family," everyone echoed before clinking glasses and digging into the shepherd's pie. If home had a flavor, that would be it for me.
During dinner, I found out a little bit more about everyone's lives and I noticed one common theme: they all seemed incredibly happy. That was what life should be like. If I hadn't made the foolish choice to walk away from Kyle, I could've had a chair at that table for the last sixteen years, too.
Once dinner wound down, I took a few steadying breaths and cleared my throat. "I'd like to say something to all of you." I glanced at Kyle who gave me a reassuring grin. "I need to apologize for the way I left. None of you deserved that. We used to joke that I was the Hogan sister." I grinned. "And I've missed all of you terribly. Please know that my leaving was about me and not a reflection of anything you'd done."
Kyle squeezed my thigh under the table.
"I'm sorry for hurting you and I hope that we can start over."
Mrs. H replied, "Oh, honey, you'll always be a member of this family and don't forget it."
"Yeah, Allie," Ryan added. "Although now you've got to share us with these other sisters, but you'll always be the O.G."
I smiled. "That's fine by me."
Once we’d cleaned up and said our goodbyes, Kyle walked me to my car, but before I could get in, he looked at me with a twinkle in his eye and asked, "Feel up for a walk?"
"Always." I didn’t have to ask where we were going.
It had been nearly two decades since I'd sat on that swing set. My hips didn’t quite fit into the seat the same way they used to. The last time I'd been there had been the night Kyle had told me he was in love with me. They’d since taken out everything but the swings and had replaced it all with a new, brightly-colored jungle gym.
I pumped my knees and lifted slowly into the air, savoring the feel of the wind on my face. "Wow, this brings me back, " I uttered.
"Yeah, me, too." He kicked his feet in the sand. "I still come here every once in a while."
"You do?"
He nodded. "I came here a lot that first year." The sadness in his voice made my gut pang. "I've always felt close to you here. Even after all these years. I come here and it's like I could sense you next to me."
"That's actually really beautiful, Kyle."
He shrugged. "I went there, you know."
"Went where?" I asked as I slowed my swing to a stop.
"Michigan."
"You did."
He nodded.
"When?"
"Columbus Day weekend. We'd gotten two days off that week from hockey, so I booked a flight."
"I—I had no idea."
"I'd remembered the name of your residence hall, so I found it and waited outside for hours." He huffed. "In retrospect, I'm surprised no one called campus security on me for being creepy."
"What happened?" If I had known, I wouldn't have been strong enough to refuse to see him. It might have fixed everything...
"Eventually you came outside and I remember you looked so incredibly beautiful. It took my breath away." He ran his hand over his jaw. "I got up from the bench, but before I could get to you, some guy walked up and put his arm around you. You laughed and..." He hung his head. "The thought of you dating…" He sighed. "I went back to the airport and came home."
I wracked my brain trying to recall the moment he may have been talking about, but the only person I could possibly think of was this guy, Andre, who had been my R.A.—my very gay R.A. He’d known about what I’d gone through, so he’d looked out for me that whole semester. "Kyle, I never so much as looked at another guy after you."
He cocked his head. "What?"
I wet my lips and rubbed them together. "Even with Kevin. He pursued me and it made me feel like maybe I wasn't entirely worthless, so that's why I eventually agreed to go out with him. But it took him an entire semester and then some to wear me down."
"Are you serious?"
I nodded. "Very much so." I bit my lip. "In retrospect, his behavior was borderline predatory. I was his student and he'd leveraged that power dynamic to his advantage."
He sneered. "Fair warning: if I ever see this guy I'm gonna kill him."
I snickered. "Get in line." I took a deep breath as I decided to let him in on my last secret. "I told you he re-married, right?"
He nodded.
"She's pregnant. That's the real reason I left Michigan. She's a fifth grade teacher at my old elementary school. I couldn't handle seeing her every day."
"Fuck, Allie. It keeps getting worse."
"Tell me about it."
"Your bravery is something else."
I shook my head. "I wouldn't go that far."
"It's true. Trust me, I know a thing or two about being brave."
The thought of him running into a burning building made my chest tighten. "If you compare me to you, I'm going to leave," I threatened.
He rolled his eyes. "What I do takes bravery, sure, but the emotional trauma that you've endured requires a whole other level of resilience." He held out his hand and I put mine into it. "You're an incredible woman, Allie."
There was only so much praise I could take before becoming overwhelmingly uncomfortable and he was bordering that line. "Thank you," I said, squeezing his hand. "We should go. It's getting cold out."
He released my hand and we walked back to the house. At my car, he said, "I'm really glad you came tonight."
I nodded, surprising myself. "Me, too."
He reached into his pocket and retrieved his phone. "I, umm, forgot to get your phone number last night."
I squinted. "I texted you the other day."
"You did?"
I shook my head feeling foolish. "I probably should've told you it was me when I did though, huh?"
He chuckled. "That would've been helpful."
I pulled out my phone, opened the unanswered message from the other night, and simply put a heart in the message box before hitting send. "I assumed you didn't reply because you were on your ambush date."
His phone dinged and his eyes widened. "That text was you?"
I nodded.
"Well, damn." He took a step forward and tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear, letting his hand linger for a moment. "I've missed you, too." His eyes were intense and I could've stood there getting lost in them forever, but then he let me go and took a step back. "See you soon?"
I nodded. "Definitely."
As I drove back into the city, a part of me that I thought had been beaten to death and buried, poked her head out. And she smiled.
35
Kyle
I didn’t want to jinx it and call it a real date, but Allie and I were having a Friday date night. Since dinner at my mom's that past Saturday, she and I had been texting non-stop. I hummed along to the alternative rock song playing on my sound system in the kitchen as I pulled the produce out of the bins. I laughed at myself because Kyle Hogan didn’t hum. All week, I'd been walking around with a constant smile. It must have been freaking out the guys in my firehouse. I wasn’t an idiot, I knew they all thought I was a hard ass because, well...I was, but I'd been pig-in-shit level happy all week and none of them knew
how to act around me. It had been an unexpectedly welcome break from my usual bitter and brooding attitude.
The onions were making my eyes water as I diced them for the quesadillas. Allie had always liked those—hopefully she still did—so I figured I'd try my hand at making some. At work the night before, I had been texting Allie and decided to go out on a limb, so I'd asked her to come over for dinner that night. I was going all out.
Without a doubt I loved her, but at the same time, I wasn't the same eighteen-year-old kid she'd known all those years ago, just as she wasn't that girl anymore. While I wanted to say that I was still in love with her, it would be naïve of me. We were well settled into adulthood and we'd missed out on so much. In a way, we had to get to know each other all over again, but I had high hopes I could be in love with the present version of her, too.
While the onions and peppers cooked down, I went into the living room to assemble the other part of my plan. I pulled all of the cushions off my sectional and made a big pillow pile on the floor, then covered it with blankets. When I grabbed the remote off the bookcase, I eyed the photograph of Allie and me as teens. It made me smile. I’d gotten a new frame for it the day after she’d told me about why she’d vanished.
I couldn't begin to understand how difficult her life had been the past sixteen years, but I could only imagine that those things had toughened her. Hopefully, she wasn't too hardened to consider opening her heart for me because I honestly didn't think I could handle falling for her again simply for her to push me away.
After cuing Netflix up on the television, I went back to the kitchen and grabbed a beer from the fridge. I popped off the top, then stirred the vegetables. Once they’d finished cooking, I assembled the quesadillas with the veggies, cheese, and the shrimp I'd cooked earlier, that way when she arrived, all I had to do was toss them on the griddle for a few minutes.
Just as I finished washing the last dish, my doorbell rang. When I opened the door and saw her standing there in yoga pants and a sweatshirt I grinned. I'd told her to dress comfortably and I loved that she’d taken it seriously.
"Hey," I said as I pulled her in for a hug.
"Your house is adorable."
I grinned. "Thanks. I bought it in foreclosure and it was a mess, so I re-did it."
"Yourself?" she asked as I took her coat.
"Yeah. My brothers helped, too. And some guys from the firehouse." It had been a fun project. "It was about a year before I could move into it because I'd taken it pretty much down to the studs, but it was worth it."
"I can't wait to see it." She followed me from the foyer to the living room and she froze when she saw what I'd done. Her jaw dropped and she put her hand over her heart. "No you didn't!"
I laughed. "Thought it could be fun. Like old times."
The smile on her face was priceless. "It's so perfect."
"Come on, I'll show you around." We started in the kitchen. "Can I get you a drink? I've got beer and I picked up some of the wine you like."
She parted her lips as if to speak and then snapped them closed again. She reached her hand out. "Do you mind if I try your beer?"
It was a standard lager, nothing special, but despite being perplexed, I held the bottle out for her. "Go ahead."
Tentatively, she brought the bottle to her lips. After sipping, her expression was one of pleasant surprise. "I think I'll have a beer, please."
I grabbed a cold one from the fridge and popped open the top for her. "Here you go."
"Thanks. I haven't had a beer in years."
"Really?"
She nodded. "Kevin wasn't much of a drinker. He'd have wine every now and then, which is how I became a wine drinker."
"I wondered because you used to hate wine."
"Now you know." She took a sip of the lager. "This is good."
I laughed. "Well, enjoy. There's plenty more."
I tossed the quesadillas on the griddle and then gave her the tour, finishing up back in the kitchen.
"You've done a wonderful job on this place, Kyle."
I flipped the quesadillas and shrugged. "I like it. It's home."
She leaned against the counter beside me. "It feels good here."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
I put the quesadillas on a plate. "Wanna go pick a movie while I finish these up?"
"I'll never turn down an opportunity to control the remote." She smirked before sauntering into the living room.
I cut up the quesadillas and put them on a plate with salsa and guacamole. When I brought them in the other room, I immediately flashed back to being a teenager at the sight of Allie curled up with a blanket on the pillow pile. I handed her a plate then took a seat beside her. Without a word, she spread the blanket out over my legs, too. Just like old times.
To my surprise, she picked a psychological thriller. I asked, "This isn't going to be too scary for you?"
She grinned, but her bronze eyes seemed sad. "My life has felt like a bit of a horror movie, so I guess they're not so scary anymore. I still don't like the blood and guts and things jumping out of the dark, but some thrillers are okay. I like the mystery."
We ate the quesadillas while we watched and when we were finished with dinner, I paused the movie to clear the plates and brought back popcorn from the kitchen. Her eyes were fixed on the photo of us.
She bit her lip. “You kept it.”
I nodded.
“All these years…” She sighed.
I sat back down and placed the popcorn in front of her.
"You're the best."
I smiled. "It's not a movie night without popcorn, right?"
"Absolutely."
Allie scooted closer so we could share the bowl. By the end of the movie, she had her head on my shoulder and I would've done anything to make sure the moment never ended. But, of course, the movie couldn't go on forever.
As the credits rolled, I asked, "Wanna watch another."
"Sure," she replied without lifting her head. "You pick."
I chose a critically acclaimed flick I'd been wanting to see.
About a quarter of the way in, Allie asked, "Are you lost?"
I laughed. "Completely. Apparently critically acclaimed is code for slow, confusing, and boring."
She sighed. "This is nice." She snuggled closer.
"Yeah, it is."
"Thanks for inviting me and setting all this up. It means a lot."
"I'm really glad you came."
"Me, too."
She lifted her head and looked up at me with serious eyes. "I knew I missed this, but I hadn't realized how much."
That made me smile. "I've missed it, too."
"I know we aren't kids anymore and we've got our own lives, but tonight..." She pressed her lips together. "I don't know. It almost feels like nothing has changed."
"I know exactly what you mean."
She grinned, drawing my attention to her lips and I couldn't look away. She'd always had lush lips and I tried to recall what they had tasted like back then. My gaze lingered and the tension built up between us. Her lips parted slightly and I caught a glimpse of the pink tip of her tongue. Her chest rose and fell more rapidly as her breathing quickened. Foolishly, I bit down on my lip as though it would stop me from kissing her. In response, her tongue curled upward and grazed the tiniest section of her upper lip.
Unable to resist, I leaned forward, bringing my face mere inches from hers. When she didn't turn away I edged closer, stopping just before the point of no return to ask for permission. "Allie?”
"Yes," she whispered.
Our mouths connected and I moaned almost immediately from the contact. As did she. Allie wasted no time opening up for me and I sought out her tongue with mine, tasting the salt from the popcorn we'd shared. My hands cupped her face, holding her in place, while I devoured her. Her palm flattened on my chest and she curled her fingers, bunching up my t-shirt. I traded her top lip for the bottom, savoring the fullness of it as I caught it gentl
y between my teeth.
Allie must've liked it because she grasped the back of my neck and tugged me closer. I snaked an arm behind her lower back and guided her to lay down, then I perched myself on top of her, deepening the kiss. My hand glided along her collarbone and up her neck, hooking the heel on her jawline and landing my fingers around her ear. She whimpered as I ran my tongue along her lips.
I could've easily made love to Allie right then and there on the pillows piled on my living room floor, but my heart told me to hold off, so I eased up, bringing us to a panting stop. Because if I gave myself to her again, I needed to trust that without a doubt she'd still be in my bed when I woke up the next morning and we weren't there yet.
When she opened her eyes, they were darkened with desire and I desperately wanted to continue what we'd started, but as it was, I was destined for blue balls.
I brushed the hair from her face and lightly kissed her nose. "Well, Allie Dupree, looks like we've still got it."
Her bronze eyes gleamed. "I'd say so."
Staring into the face of my oldest friend, I grasped the importance of that moment. For whatever reason, we were being given a second chance and I was determined to do everything in my power to make sure that this time, it lasted.
"What are you thinking" she asked.
"Remembering how you were my first kiss."
She giggled. "If you can call it that."
"Yours were the first lips to touch mine. It counts."
Her smile eased. "You were my first everything. First kiss. First time. First love. That'll never be taken away from us."
Fuck, I loved the sound of that. "No, it won't."
"I really like that."
So did I, but it wasn't enough because I knew, in that moment while holding her, that I wanted to be her last everything, too.
36
Allie
Kyle and I walked into The Monterey Club for happy hour, which according to his sister-in-law, Autumn, was one of the best in the city. After chasing around five year olds with finger paint for most of the morning, a good happy hour was exactly what I needed. I followed Kyle to a table by the bar. Dylan and Autumn were already there, so I hugged them hello. There was another couple there as well.
