Compassion Be Damned

by Rebecca Royce

  Would he have done that? My momentary assertiveness fled. I didn’t want to push my luck. He wanted me. That had to be enough. Somehow.

  He cupped the side of my face. “The Darkness is gone for tonight. I slammed you with bad news. You need to go to bed.”

  “I’m not sure I could sleep. I mean, I generally don’t just go to bed. I get attacked. It ends sometime near dawn, and I pass out.”

  Ryland lay back down next to me and lifted his arm. “Come on. Lean on me. Lie down. We’ll talk for a while, and you’ll feel like sleeping. I promise.”

  I doubted it, but I wasn’t going to turn away a chance to be close. Who knew how much longer I’d get the chance? Particularly since I was probably going to have to leave them. Did people really get to spend their lives together? Was such a thing possible?

  Or did they get to live long enough for such a thing to matter?

  I curled up against him.

  “I’m from a place not too far from here.”

  I loved stories. I had so few of my own. “Yes, that’s what Jett said. He was, too.”

  Ryland nodded. “We were neighbors, sort of. That is to say we lived on a block not too far from each other. The rest of us met on that horse farm, but he and I grew up close to each other.”

  “I grew up with a lot of women. None of them became my friends, not really.” Mika had been very nice.

  He stroked a hand down my hair. “You guys were pretty much trained to distrust each other. The beatings. It always seemed screwed up to me. Not that I have much to compare it to. My mother did her best before she died from plague, but she really didn’t know what she was doing. She was a noble who threw it all away to marry my father.”

  I had never heard that before. Not ever. “Really?”

  “Yes, you sound as surprised as everyone else. I think she thought he’d be an artist, and I think for a time he was. But then life dragged at him and I was a sick baby. I used to scream all the time. They couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. They thought I might be possessed. Anyway, he gave away any artistic ambition he had and learned how to be a drunken asshole and angry in a factory instead. I think my mom always regretted it. All of it.”

  I shook my head. “Not possible she would have regretted having you.”

  “Hold onto that idea, okay? Whatever else happens don’t change the fact that you think things can be kind and beautiful. You were locked in a room for years and yet you still think there’s goodness. How did that happen?”

  I really didn’t know. If it was all ending soon, then there had to be those things or else what was the point of any of it?

  I must have eventually fallen asleep because I woke up on the bed, my head on the pillow and my feet on the other side of the bed like I’d been sleeping diagonal across it.

  Ryland wasn’t in the bed, but I heard his voice, talking to someone. It took me half of a second to realize it was Titus.

  “Yep, I told her. She needed to know. She knew we were lying to her and at that point, it’s cruel. You’d have done the same damned thing.”

  Titus was quiet. “I probably would have. But it was my choice to make. I’m still leading us. If you want to challenge me for it you can…”

  Ryland interrupted him. “When have I ever acted like I wanted that? I knew I was breaking the rules. I’ll take the punishment.”

  Punishment? I rolled over fast. “Don’t hurt him.”

  They both whirled around to look at me.

  Titus raised both his eyebrows. “Morning, gorgeous. Don’t worry. I won’t hurt Ryland.” He smirked. “Sweet, she thinks she needs to protect you.”

  Ryland rolled his eyes. “Morning, Krystal. He probably could hurt me. He’s the best fighter there ever was. Period. No one beats him. But he wouldn’t. That’s the thing about Titus. He deals in restraint.”

  Titus pointed at Ryland. “Good call. You need to brush up on your fighting. You’re good, but that zombie got past the three of you yesterday. Outside. That’s your punishment. You have to spar with me.”

  Ryland groaned. “For real? Who knows how it got past us? It didn’t hurt her. We killed it.”

  “Come on. We’re doing this.” Titus leaned over to kiss me. “Zeke’s outside. Paden will be right back. We leave after I’m done putting Ry through his paces. Go eat something. You’re safe.”

  I wasn’t. He knew it. I knew it. What’s more, Divinity knew it. Did anyone ever escape their destiny? I wished there was someone I could ask.

  I watched them fight through the window as I sipped my milk. Ryland hadn’t been kidding. Titus was a really good fighter. I’d watched so many guard fights over the years, always from a distance like this. Ryland wasn’t bad either, but Titus was better. That must be why he was One. How had they made those decisions?

  Zeke walked up to stand next to me. “Want to know a secret?”

  I side eyed him. “I’m not sure. Do I?”

  His smile was huge. “Good answer. Okay, it’s not so much of a secret. They all know it. I’m a better fighter than him.”

  “Than Ryland?” I pointed toward him. “You’ve fought?”

  “Yes, I’ve fought him, but no, not Ryland. I’m better than Titus.”

  Well, that blew my theory right out of the water. “Really?”

  Zeke handed me a roll, which I took. “The problem is when I get fighting, when I really get going, there isn’t any holding me back. I kill my opponent. Or I almost do. I lose myself to the moment. It’s better if Titus is in control of us. I’d never stop it from going too far.”

  I put my hand on his chest over his heart. “We all have parts of ourselves we don’t like.”

  “Krystal, the truth is, when I’m in that zone I like myself just fine. That’s even scarier, I think.”

  I disagreed. “I think we are what this time has made us. Who knows what we should have all been? Sometimes, I swear you’re going to think I’m nuts for saying this, but sometimes I would just insist that something terrible has gone wrong. That none of this, none of us, none of what has happened and will take place was what was supposed to be.”

  Zeke took a sip of his water. “I don’t think that’s crazy at all.”

  Chapter 8

  “Now this is just weird.” Zeke was speaking to Paden inside the barn, and I followed the sound. Titus and Ryland seemed to be winding down. Or maybe they weren’t. I wasn’t sure. Titus had gotten in most of the blows, although he was sporting a large cut over his eye, which proved Ryland really did have some skills.

  I squirmed slightly over how hot and bothered watching the whole thing had made me. Why was it so… stimulating that they were doing this?

  Jett leaned against a tree watching me, and watching them. When I walked toward the barn, he nodded at me. Getting away from them to save them might prove harder than I thought it. They’d taken to guarding me like they knew what they were doing.

  “What’s weird?” I asked as I stepped into the barn. “Or maybe I should say, what isn’t weird?”

  Paden grinned at me. “Glad to see you up and about. Even happier there was no visit last night. I hate not being able to do anything.” He shook his head. “I’m sure you hate it more. What is weird is that we now have six horses. They’re all fed and cared for. I came in to do it but… it was done. There’s a note on this one.”

  A silver-gray horse stared at me. She was new. I walked toward her. How did I know she was a girl? I wasn’t sure. I sighed. What did I really understand about anything? I was a mediocre Sister who had somehow ended up in a mess.

  “What did the note say?”

  I approached the horse slowly, putting out my hand, and when she didn’t object, I touched her on the side of her head. She pushed against me, which I hoped meant that I could keep doing it.

  “It says teach the girl how to ride without you. Someday she might need to know how.”

  Paden was right. This was weird. “Who keeps doing this with these animals?”

  “Damn
ed if I know.” Zeke answered me. “But he’s right. I’m going to teach you how to ride.”

  Zeke had once described himself as the one who got things done. I could see it now. He walked toward the silver horse, and I held up my hand to stop him. “She needs a name first. Before I can ride her. They all need names.”

  Paden and Zeke exchanged a look. “We don’t usually name them. We’d take care of the horses but they’d get removed from us. Couldn’t take naming them then losing them. The pain of knowing what would happen to some of them.”

  We lived in a world where more people than not ended up with demons inside of their bodies. And yet I couldn’t bring myself to ask him what happened to the horses. Did I have to know every single horrible thing in the world? Could I live with a little bit of denial in whatever time I had left?

  “Nothing is going to happen to these.”

  Paden touched the horse I stroked. “We don’t know that. There’s no way to know, but let’s go with the idea that things are going to get better since saving you will save the world.”

  I squeezed Paden’s arm. “Nothing like a little pressure first thing in the morning.”

  His smile was slow. “Sorry I wasn’t thinking about it that way.”

  “Not just on me.” I hoped he took my meaning. “Too much for you guys, too.”

  Paden opened his mouth but Zeke interrupted. “I don’t know about saving the world. We are going to keep you safe because you’re our person. That’s how this is going to go. On that note, let’s name the horses so I can teach you to ride. If someone is helping us out I’m not going to look a literal gift horse in the mouth.”

  That was an expression I hadn’t heard in years. “This one is Bonney.”

  As soon as I spoke the name, I decided to keep it. Bonney would be it.

  Zeke nodded. “Good name. Come on. You have five more to go.”

  Was he serious? “You want me to name all five? You guys wouldn’t like to name your horses?”

  He shook his head. “All on you, gorgeous. Come on. Who is here with Bonney?”

  In the end, they were Rio, Victory, Bolt, Challenger, and Monte. I didn’t know if the horses liked their names or not. But they felt right to me. If I was a little crazy, well, nothing was new there.

  However, when it came time to get on Bonney, I froze like my feet were attached to the ground. She hadn’t done anything to make me feel this way. She stood completely still when Zeke had saddled her and now seemed perfectly amiable about letting me get on her back. Sweat broke out on my body.

  Take a demon out of a human by making the demon feel better? Sure. Get attacked nearly every night by the Darkness that possessed Katrina? Got that down. Face the possibility of possession and destroying the universe? Okay, that threw me, but I was coping.

  Getting on that horse? I gulped. I really didn’t want to.

  Zeke nodded to me, offering me his hand. “She’s gentle. I mean, really gentle. I don’t remember ever seeing a horse this gentle before. I think she was well picked out for you. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

  I sighed. I didn’t have long to live. I wasn’t going to waste time worrying about things I couldn’t control. I should learn to ride this horse. Period. I let him help me onto the saddle and tried not to shake too badly on top of the sweet horse who hadn’t done a thing to earn this kind of terror.

  Zeke got on Challenger and held onto my reigns and his own. I made it about two minutes before I couldn’t take it anymore. I leaned forward and held onto the horse for dear life. She was barely moving, but being on her back, alone, was the worst experience of my life. And I was regularly assaulted by a demon.

  “You’re okay.” Zeke must have said it a hundred times. That didn’t matter.

  “Not all fear is rational.” That was the best I could explain it.

  He scratched his chin. “Is it Paden? Are you more comfortable with him? You rode fine in his lap.”

  I could see it in Zeke’s eyes. It was like we’d known each other for years, I could read his thoughts so well in that moment. He didn’t want it to be Paden.

  And the good news was it wasn’t. “No, I mean, we were on the horse together. I don’t think it was Paden in specific.”

  “It’s being on the horse alone.”

  “Zeke.” I wasn’t above begging. “I need to get off this beautiful animal. Please. It’s not the horse. It’s me. Whoever wrote you that letter is going to have to deal with me not being able to…”

  A crack of lightning sounded in the air. Challenger went nuts, rearing and throwing Zeke off the horse in the process. Bonney didn’t hurl me off, but instead ran forward, farther into the woods. I screamed for Zeke, but even I knew that was ridiculous. Terror didn’t make me stupid, apparently. Zeke might be very hurt. I tried to look behind me but couldn’t see anything. The woods were dark. Had they always been like this?

  Where had that lightning come from?

  “Bonney,” I said her name. “You have to stop.” I pulled on the reins as I’d seen others do and she slowed eventually. It was more like a gradual coming to a stop. Minutes had passed and I was in a clearing in the woods. Had these trees always been here?

  Shaking the whole way down. I dismounted Bonney. At least she hadn’t thrown me. If I’d gone down off two horses I would be done with the whole thing. As it was, I would take her reins and walk back. Once I figured out where here was in relation to where I wanted to go.

  But… where had all these trees come from? The same thing had happened in the Badlands earlier. Suddenly there were those trees that I’d communicated with who maybe shouldn’t have been there at all. How had I missed a forest full of them, and why hadn’t we discussed how weird that was?

  Krystal…

  My name was no more than a whisper but I hadn’t misheard. Someone or something was speaking to me. Or about me. Whichever it happened to be.

  I shivered. It wasn’t a pleasant sound.

  Bonney neighed. It was the first noise I’d heard her make. Even when she was scared. She walked over, nudging me in my arm. In the process, she bumped me backward. “Okay, not sure if you want to be petted or if you want me to walk that way.”

  I turned around. There was nothing there but trees. Why was I bothering to analyze what the horse wanted? I had to start thinking clearly.

  “Krystal.” This time I distinctly heard the voice. Whirling around, I discovered I wasn’t alone in the clearing.

  No, there was a man with me. He was tall, dark haired. His cheekbones were high and his lips full. His dark hair accentuated his dark eyes. All in all he could blend in with the night if he wanted to.

  “Krystal.” He said my name again, and I blinked, trying to clear my head. This stranger who knew my name stayed at the edge of the trees.

  “Hello.”

  Bonney huffed, a strange sound. I looked at her briefly but couldn’t seem to keep my gaze from the extremely handsome person.

  He smiled slowly. “Hello. Funny finding you here. What brings you to this place this morning?”

  “My horse.” That was a dumb answer, but he didn’t roll his eyes. Instead, he nodded.

  “Interesting. She’s making a lot of noise. Does she always do that?” There was something familiar about the way he said his s sounds. Reminiscent of something else I’d heard. I couldn’t put my finger on it, exactly.

  Was my horse being noisy? I couldn’t even hear it.

  Krystal. My name in the wind. But how was that possible?

  The man who had said it was speaking right in front of me. He extended his hand. “You look like you need help. Come with me. Allow me to take care of you.”

  I took a step before I stopped. His voice was seductive. I almost wanted to do what he said. But I’d been locked in a room for three years, and my independence mattered to me. I couldn’t go until I at least understood.

  “How would you do that?”

  Krystal. Wake up.

  I shook my head. I was awake. I w
asn’t dreaming. This was happening.

  “If you consent, I can make all of the pain, all of the worry, all of the years of being nothing go away. You can just drift. And then it will be over.”

  There was something appealing about that. And even as I thought that alarm, bells went off in my head. People didn’t go through life drifting. Everyone suffered. It was the nature of being alive.

  “Come.” He beckoned me with his hand.

  I didn’t move. “You come here. What is your name, by the way?”

  “It has been a very long time since anyone asked me that question. My name is Demetrius. Feels funny to say it.” He shook his head. “I haven’t been around people much lately. Just one in particular. A young girl when I met her, she is well past her prime. We have long since stopped having conversations.”

  I raised both my eyebrows. What he was selling seemed less and less interesting to me. “You haven’t moved, Demetrius, why is that?”

  His eyes darkened and for a second they turned red. I’d been washed by his power but now I could see perfectly using my own. This was a demon. A scary one if he could roll over me that powerfully.

  “Or can’t you?” I pointed to the trees around us. “They won’t let you. You’re stuck. You saw a Sister. Thought you’d take her. But I broke through your glamour.”

  He shook his head. “Krystal, for the most powerful being on the planet outside of myself, you are often very dense.” I lifted in the air. “If I can’t get you to come to me willingly, I will simply have to keep banging you around until you weaken and I can take you. One of the two options would have been pleasurable. The other will not be.”

  Never had a demon been so right before. I had been dense. This wasn’t just any demon. This was my demon. The Darkness. But he looked fully human and not at all like the shadow I’d known him to be.

  What was happening? He pulled me toward him, and I fought fruitlessly to get out of his power. I could feel it buzzing on my skin. Not that knowing that helped but still I struggled, understanding it was going to get me nowhere.