The Forest Savage

by Claire Davis

  “Cal. Anna has given me a potential date to come and meet you here. She’s seen your letter, with your answers to her questions. She wants you to answer them in person, though. She always has. I’ve gone through the procedure with her, so really there’s nothing stopping us. How do you feel about it all?”

  He had thought long and hard about it, of course. What he felt was a terrible crushing force, and panic beyond measure, but he didn’t think that was what Mary wanted to hear. “I feel okay, Mary. Anna deserves a proper explanation.”

  “Are you clear what will happen at the interview? Anna wants to ask you the questions we already went over. She’s seen your answers on paper, but she wants to hear them from you. What she really wanted was for you to go round her house, but I explained that you just aren’t ready for that level of contact.” Mary was watching him as she spoke, sensing his unease. “Cal? Whatever’s bothering you, you need to tell me now. I’m not going ahead with the interview until I’m sure you’ve been completely honest with me about how you feel about everything.” She stared at him, and he knew she wouldn’t back down until he at least tried to answer.

  “Mary, I really want to do this, for Anna and for Jay. I wish I was brave enough to go round, if that’s what she wants. I’ll tell her anything she wants to know, it’s not that, it’s not.” He had to stop, to breathe, to stop his face from going any redder.

  “Let’s have a water break. Cal, look at me? I know this is hard, I really do. You’re being asked to face the person you least want to see in the whole world. No one said it was ever going to be easy. Lots of people never get to this point, you know. You’re doing well. Here.” She handed him the water, which he took gratefully.

  “I always really loved Anna. She was kind, and funny. She let me help with the kids. He wouldn’t have thought, but she always did, always. I got to hold them when they were born, have my picture taken with them all, be their uncle. She let me in…” He had to stop, again, knowing he was getting there. Tears began to roll. The room was so still, so far away from it all, but still he could not say the words. More tears, not for Jay, but for Anna.

  He felt the walls closing in, and he had to get out. He was up, gabbling, “I’m sorry, I can’t any more, I’m sorry.”

  He was off, out through the security doors, and the reception with the nailed down chairs and institution carpet.

  ****

  It was much colder than the last time he was here. The air of magic had vanished, and now it was just a deserted cemetery, lit up by flowers on the graves. Jay’s was surrounded by pots, and even toys from the kids. A sharp pang went through him as he imagined the kids here on Saturdays, now without either uncles or a granny.

  He could not think of what to say to Jay this time, and for a while he just sat at a nearby bench, watching the occasional mourner or dog walker, until it was empty. He tried to pretend otherwise, but all he could really concentrate on was Troy, which seemed somehow wrong.

  “He’s got rubbish teeth,” he began, quietly. “They’re crooked from where he fell off his bike as a kid. Makes him look like he has fights all the time, but he doesn’t. He makes me laugh, all the time. He tells lies to make himself more interesting, but he doesn’t have to bother because he’s bloody fantastic.”

  The truth of this statement stopped him, and he wondered why he was sitting in a damp cemetery instead of sorting things out with Troy.

  ****

  Chapter Fifteen

  When he got back in the dark, the flat was a mess. Troy had thrown clothes, shoes, everywhere. His new guitar was out, but he was gone. The kitchen was even worse. Cal’s notebook with all his targets, left open at one terrible page, where Cal had written Jay’s name over and over. Troy had found it, and read everything.

  He just sat right where he was, on the cold floor, hugging the paper to him, with his head on his knees.

  He slowly ripped the book until he was surrounded by tiny white shreds and odd words. Scattered thoughts, everything mingling together: Jay, Anna, Alice, and Troy. Where they all fit now, he did not know, but thinking of Troy finding that book after this morning made him hurt, and want to moan and sob.

  He started to pick up clothes, and tidy up, wanting to make it welcoming for Troy when he got back. He would tell him everything, then it would be up to Troy to decide if he still wanted to see Cal.

  He went to sleep, thinking of ways to explain it all to Troy, Mary, and Anna.

  Troy didn’t return. All night, Cal’s head pounded with images of Troy with other men, stealing cars, or lying in a hospital bed.

  ****

  The next morning, Troy was waiting outside as Cal arrived at Probation, hands in pockets, shoulders hunched, chewing his hair. He looked young and miserable, and what the fuck was Cal thinking dragging him into this sorry, crazy mess?

  He clutched the cold hand, and led him around the corner. “Where the fuck were you?” He began, but his anger faded as he hugged Troy, hard. There was a gulf the size of a continent between talking about being boyfriends, and talking about that Friday, long ago. He couldn’t do both.

  “Troy, it’s… I’m so sorry about yesterday; I should never have run off like that. I want to tell you about it, but I can’t talk now, okay? I’ll see you later?”

  But Troy just hunched further inside himself, his face hidden by his hair.

  “Troy? I have to go. You’re okay, yes?”

  He might have been mistaken, but it looked like Troy’s lovely cheek was glistening, as he turned to leave. He almost missed it, just a quiet whisper that floated up from beneath that thatch of hair.

  “It’s Paul. My name. It’s not really Troy. I just said that ’cause it sounded cool.”

  But he had to go, because his heart was hammering and if he didn’t release it all that day then he would be trapped in that car forever. He squeezed Troy’s arm once. “I have to do this, love. Afterwards, we’ll talk, I promise. I won’t be long.” He kissed him briefly, and left him there.

  ****

  He had expected nerves, but as he sat down with Mary, none of it seemed to matter anymore. It was just words after all, Jay was long dead. There was a fizzing in his ears, or perhaps it was only the flickering light. Mary seemed to be a long way away, her voice distorted, but perhaps it was only the light again. He tried to listen to her, but there was only Troy’s face, so he just started, and somehow the words tripped out.

  The Friday Before It Happened…

  He just can’t take it any more. All the things that matter to him are just flies buzzing past his head, annoying, but easy to ignore. He has to see him. Even if they never fuck again, and he doesn’t matter to Jay and isn’t special at all, he has to see him. If he can just look at Jay, maybe it will be enough to get him through another dreary week.

  But anything would be better than this wall, and the insides of his head. If he can just explain to Jay, he knows Jay would understand, and even if he doesn’t, he will have gotten his attention for a few minutes. Even Jay’s disapproval is better than this… dirty, disgusting, nothing.

  He wants Jay so badly that the rest of the world has lurched away from him, and he is disjointed. Even though he never had him, he always had hope, expectation for the next time they met.

  He throws up, and cries for a long time, though there is no point because no one can see him. It is not easy driving, but he is careful and does not hit many kerbs. There is not much in his mind now except Jay.

  Anna opens the door, takes one look at him, and pulls him in. “Cal? Whatever happened? You look awful,” she cries, hugging him tightly. The tears just erupt from some nasty place with no pride, only it’s not just tears. “I have to see him, I’m so sorry but I have to,” he sobs, unable to see that she can never understand, not in a million years.

  “Calm down, Cal. Come on, tell me what’s happened.” She leads him by the hand, and it’s inconvenient, of course it is because she has kids, and none of this is her fault.

  “Is someone
hurt? It’s not Alice because I just saw her. Cal, you’re frightening me now.” And he is sorry, he doesn’t mean to hurt her, or tell her, he just wants Jay.

  “I just, just have to talk to him, explain. I didn’t mean it. I can’t…” He is uncontrollable, can’t even speak coherently. Then a door opens, and here he is.

  Jay looks at him like he is nothing. He is drunk. He isn’t angry, or concerned, he just wants his tea. He stands there, jingling his car keys. Even through the anguish, Cal can see he just doesn’t care, and he wants him out. Anna looks from one to the other, of course she is confused, but maybe she knows better than to ask. She glares at Jay. “I’ll make some tea. Jay, sit and talk to him, you can see he’s upset.”

  Jay sighs. “We have to be out in half an hour, Cal. It’s John’s party, remember?” Of course it is, but Cal doesn’t care. At that moment, he just has to do something, anything. Perhaps it is resignation, or the many years with no hugging, but as the words leave him, he is icy clear, and nothing matters except he has to speak. “I love you. I’m going to go, and I won’t come back, but I have to tell you.”

  The silence falls like snow on a dark night, and it is Anna who tries to save them all. She sits back next to him, and takes his hand because she is kind and loves him. “We love you too, Cal. It’s ok. I don’t know what’s happened, but it’s OK.”

  She is lovely, but he can’t really hear her, he only has eyes for Jay, who rolls his eyes at him. “Of course we love you, fucking idiot, but we’re gonna be late. You’re barking mad, mate. I’m calling you a taxi.”

  He could have stopped it then, but something takes hold. He cannot honestly say why he does it, only that he was born to say this and there is no going back to that empty nothingness. He is up on his feet, and shouting, because Jay doesn’t care, and he’s really fucked it now. “I love you. Do you hear me? I always fucking loved you. Every time you fucked me I just loved you more. Please, listen to me, please…”

  The shock on Jay’s face as he punches Cal on his way out, says that Anna heard and understood. Cal is back up, on his feet and chasing Jay, like always.

  ****

  He had never spoken those words before. Not at court, nor to his solicitor. He never meant to tell anyone, he didn’t want anyone feeling sorry for him because there was no excuse. Mary was itching to speak, she could barely contain herself. He smiled, despite himself. “Go on. Ask.”

  She smiled back at him. “Sometimes, Cal, I really wish I could offer my clients a coffee. So you came clean?”

  “More like came dirty. There was nothing clean about what I did.” He didn’t feel as bad as he had expected, though he hadn’t got to the worst part yet.

  “Are you sure you want to carry on? We can stop there if you want?” Mary asks, but he wasn’t going to stop again until he got to the end.

  ****

  The Friday Before It Happened: Part Two…

  His heart is hammering, but he can’t stop Jay from slamming the car door and driving off down the road, drunk and angry. At first he runs after the car, but soon turns back to his own van, struggling with the lock because his hands shake so much.

  Despite the lack of food and sleep, his head is fluorescent clear. He sees Anna banging on his window but her words are too loud for him to register. He is cold, icy cold. He has to drive away from her because he cannot look at her face.

  He takes no notice of the roads or anyone else, though he stops at red lights and junctions. He doesn’t know where Jay will go, but pretty soon he catches sight of his car in the distance ahead of him.

  If he can just get to him, he has to reach him, touch him, and look at him.

  He needs to tell him he’s so sorry. He needs to turn back the clock.

  The motorway is fairly empty, so he is able to drive up behind Jay. The cars are so close, but Jay speeds up, trying to get away from him, and soon they are doing more than a hundred miles per hour.

  Jay’s car can go much faster than his van, and he struggles to keep up. There is only a single thought like the black line of a dead heartbeat: he cannot let Jay get away from him. His foot is flat to the floor as he inches past Jay, and tries to get in front. They’re going too fast for him to see Jay’s face.

  There is white, blinding light, screeching tyres, and that is the end.

  ****

  It was only when he stopped that he realised he was crying, ugly wrenches drawn from his guilt and shame. For a minute, there was no point living and why hadn’t he gone ahead with offing himself.

  “Cal, stop for a minute. Just breathe. That’s it.” Mary sounded so friendly and real. She knew now, but she hadn’t sneered at him. A wave of longing for Alice, Anna and the kids, and Jay crippled him, his head hung over the table.

  He could see she was talking, and he was even answering her, but everything was silent in his head because he had gotten to the end.

  ****

  He looked for Troy outside Probation, aching for the warmth, but there was no sign of him, only the icy fingers of guilt and dread around Cal’s heart as he remembered that hurt face.

  His lungs almost burst as he ran back to the hostel, desperate to find him, and put it right.

  Their home was empty, but full of Troy. His special tea bags, gorilla slippers, long hairs in the sink, but he was gone. They really needed phones because he couldn’t cope with this not knowing any more every time Troy had a huff.

  He wondered what kind of phone would be best, then heard the cars colliding again, and threw up all over the floor. For a while, he blacked out. Cleaning up was sharp smells and raw knees and it brought him back to reality.

  He was so tired. It would never be over. The sofa was so warm and inviting as he lay there, clutching a gorilla slipper, and soon his eyelids were shutting.

  ****

  Chapter Sixteen

  He woke up with the taste of blood in his mouth where he had bitten his tongue while asleep, just like all those times in prison. His mouth was dry and surely there wasn’t enough air in this room, not even after he opened all the windows and the back door. If only the freezing wind would clear his head of the sickening images of spinning tyres and metallic thuds.

  He had to get out. He had to get right away, even though he knew by now that it would follow him for the rest of his life. Panic seized, restricting his breath and making him sweat. The flat door slammed as he ran with no purpose except desperate urgency.

  He ran straight past the men hanging around the barrier gate. He was aware of a few of them shouting after him, but the words just hurried past with the wind. He concentrated on his feet as they hit the pavement, pounding up the streets and hills, racing against things he could never beat.

  Eventually he found himself amongst shops and bus stops, tram lines and the bustle of life.

  Everything was unfamiliar to him— the streets, the shops and faces. He did not belong. But the panic had gone, leaving him weary and cold. He began to look for Troy, knowing it was unlikely he would find him here amongst the shoppers and families.

  He somehow found his way back to the hostel, seeing from far away up the road that the lights to the flat were on. Troy was there.

  He crashed through the door, and there he was, a towel twisted around his head and wearing Cal’s dressing gown.

  They kissed urgently, painfully. Troy kept pulling back, trying to speak, but Cal stopped him every time with more kisses until eventually he stopped trying and grabbed Cal just as hard, by the hair. The dressing gown belt slipped undone, Troy groaned and wrapped both arms around his neck, leaving him free access to the pale, long body melting into him.

  As his hands roamed Troy’s back and butt it felt like it was him being caressed. Warmth spread through his neck as he moaned into Troy’s mouth, “I missed you so much.”

  “Come on, we can talk later,” Troy muttered urgently, leading him off by the hand to the bedroom.

  Troy rode him fast, hands behind him on Cal’s thighs, pushing into Cal’s hand, h
ead thrown back, body pumping. They climbed together, hands joining and eyes locked before the orgasm thrust Cal straight out of the events of the day, leaving him shaking and smiling. Troy snuggled into him, kissing his neck and rubbing his nose along his jaw. “Where did you go? I looked everywhere for you?” he asked, circling Cal’s nipple with one finger.

  “Nowhere. I went nowhere. Just a walk to clear my head. I’m sorry, I should never have left you like that. I just couldn’t cope with it all.” So much had happened the last few days. An image of his notes and Troy reading them waved like nausea at him. “You read it?” he asked, quietly.

  “I read it,” Troy whispered, kissing his hand. “But I already knew.”

  “What did you know?”

  “About the car crash. One of the guys recognized you from prison. I didn’t know his name, but I do now. Jay. I didn’t know you loved him. It wasn’t your fault, Cal. He was shitfaced.”

  Cal could not think of the words that were clogging up his throat, so he just kissed Troy’s fingers and shook his head, and somehow it started. “Jay, yeah, he was called Jay. Yeah, I loved him. He was, he made me do things. He was like Ashley. I, I get it, see. The fucking, the men. But the crash. You don’t understand,” he whispered into Troy’s hair. “He only got in the car because of me and what I said.”

  “I don’t care. He was a fucker. Ashley’s a fucker, too. You can tell me, see? I’m on your side? Do… do you still love him?”

  A giant, ugly pause. Did he?

  But Jay was too much to talk about, would always be too much to talk about. “I have to see his sister at Probation,” he began, “to explain how it happened. I’ve practised the questions with Mary, and now I have to see her.”

  Troy leaned up on his chest on one elbow, frowning darkly. “His sister? You don’t have to, Cal. They can’t force you to do that. Refuse. See out your Probation order, then walk away. Forget about it. I don’t care what you did, it doesn’t matter to me. Once I’m done with court, let’s start again. We can do it together, Cal.”