Kiss and Break Up

by Ella Fields

  She didn’t touch me, and she didn’t pry. She just waited, offering comfort with her presence.

  And though I tried, I tried so hard not to set every torn piece of me free, I had to. It needed out. It needed to find a safe place to land. I couldn’t keep it trapped within or else I feared I’d never leave my room again.

  She didn’t say anything as I spoke, but I knew she was listening, and as I choked out everything that’d happened with me and Dash, I wanted to cry harder as I heard it all out loud. “I don’t know what to do now,” I whispered when I’d finished. “What am I supposed to do now?”

  Mom spoke then, her hand coming to rest on my hip. “You continue to feel, and you continue to do what feels right.”

  I was surprised yet relieved she wasn’t telling me to forgive him. “How could he do that, though?”

  Mom shifted closer. “There’s no excusing it. He did it, and it’s done. But I do believe he’s sorry, that he regrets it, and that he loves you.”

  I scoffed, wiping my eyes with my sheet. “He’s a conceited brat.”

  She laughed. “True. But he’s a conceited brat who would do anything for you. To the point of ruining himself.” A yawn escaped her. “However, that doesn’t mean he gets to use that, what you did when you didn’t know how you even felt, as an excuse to hurt you.”

  I thought about that. Turned and twisted it over as I sat up and drank the glass of water Mom had brought in with her. The cool liquid slid down my dry throat, and I tried to picture what life would be like moving forward without Dash. It seemed incomprehensible—undoable—to continue being me without him there. But I had to. He’d left me no choice.

  “I don’t want to go to school tomorrow.” I set the glass down, then slipped back beneath the covers.

  Mom pulled them over herself, her eyes closing. “I’ll give you one free pass for a broken heart, but it’s up to you how you use it.” After a moment, she added, “I would’ve given you two, but you broke my vase, so no dice.”

  I smiled, and the movement on my lips felt foreign but nice. I could only hope I’d remember how to keep doing it.

  Peggy

  I opted not to use my free pass and dragged my weary self to school.

  The news of Lars, the poor bad boy scholarship student, being Annika’s baby’s daddy spread like wildfire. It became the only thing on people’s lips if they weren’t eating, and when I saw Daphne by our lockers Monday morning, I knew she was trying to hide just how much it was hurting her.

  “You okay?” I asked. “Sorry, that was stupid.”

  “It’s fine.” Her brows scrunched, a layer of concealer heavy beneath her eyes. “You look like shit.”

  Before I could say anything, she was pulling me toward the girls’ bathrooms, Willa tagging behind.

  A few juniors lingered, applying lipstick and straightening their knee-high socks. With one hiss from Daphne, they collected their things and made themselves scarce.

  “You didn’t need to do that,” I said, watching the door close behind them.

  “I did. What happened Friday night?” Daphne opened her bag, plucking out her makeup bag and rifling through it.

  I looked at Willa, who shrugged and came forward with a hairbrush. My eyes widened as she launched to her toes to reach for my tangled hair.

  “With Dash?” I scowled. “Ow.”

  “Sorry,” Willa said. “Knots galore.”

  Daphne started brushing foundation over my face. I didn’t typically wear it, but I didn’t protest when she said, “You’re so blotchy it looks like you have eczema. So shut up and let me work.” My mouth snapped shut, and she groaned. “I didn’t mean shut up about Dash. What happened? Lars and Annika’s baby news might be a hot topic, but that doesn’t mean people don’t know about Kayla and Dash.”

  I contained my sigh being that Daphne’s face was inches from mine. “Of course.”

  “It’s Kayla, so naturally, she wants the attention on her.” Daphne pulled back, inspecting my face, then nodded and grabbed her powder.

  I closed my eyes as she brushed it everywhere. “I walked in on them.”

  Willa gasped, the brush getting stuck in my hair.

  “Jesus, Willa.” I rubbed at my scalp.

  “Sorry. That’s … no wonder you look like shit. Why didn’t you call us?”

  “I was busy being miserable.”

  Daphne snapped the lid shut, then turned and grabbed her mascara. “He’s such a fucking idiot.”

  “Biggest asshole,” Willa added.

  “I went there to apologize, to try to explain, and then I found that?” I felt tears gathering, but I pushed them back as hard as I could while Daphne finished coating my lashes. “Then, somehow, he found out exactly what happened in the limo and came to my place.”

  Willa’s touch vanished. She moved to her bag, grabbing an elastic. “That was me.”

  Daphne’s gaze snapped to her as she capped her mascara. “You told Jackson?”

  Willa offered me the elastic. I took it, glaring at her.

  She bit her lip. “I’m sorry. But I knew he wouldn’t talk to you. Jackson was going out with them that night, and I thought it might help if he knew the details.”

  Daphne’s button nose crinkled. “Your heart was in the right place, but still, that’s shitty, Willa.”

  Willa nodded, and I flipped my head forward, scooping my hair into a small ponytail and tying it up. I knew her intentions weren’t to betray my trust, but rather, she’d wanted to help in some way, so even though it irked me, I chose to let it go. “Don’t worry about it. But I’m sorry to say it won’t make a difference now that he’s gone and slept with Kayla.”

  Daphne put her makeup bag away and checked her own makeup right as the bell sounded. “Try to ignore her smug smile. She’s just gloating.”

  “He didn’t even orgasm.” I don’t know why I said that. It was petty, but hell if I cared about being petty or not anymore.

  Willa laughed. “Oh, my God. Really?”

  I nodded, smoothing some of the foundation caked near my eye. Daphne’s skin tone was a shade darker than mine, but the bad match didn’t look terrible and was a vast improvement from how I’d arrived at school.

  Daphne snorted. “I can’t believe you watched.”

  “I couldn’t move,” I said. “Like a bad wreck or something, I could only stare like an ogling moron.” I blew out a breath. “And now, I’ll pay for it forever.”

  Willa pouted, then rubbed my arm.

  Daphne sighed, then flicked her hair. “His loss, and I bet he’s already feeling it.”

  I wasn’t sure if she was referring to Dash or Lars. I shouldered my bag, following them out and down the hall to our lockers where we quickly dumped our stuff and headed to class.

  Lunch came and went before I realized I’d been bracing myself for a storm that wasn’t coming. Dash hadn’t shown, and no one seemed to think anything of it. Perhaps they thought he was still suspended, but I knew he should’ve been back by today.

  Lars and Jackson stalked through the cafeteria, the former about to stop at our table, when he stumbled, swaying into Jackson, who cursed and glanced around. “Get it together, man.”

  “Daph,” Lars said, or slurred.

  I wondered if he was drunk and eyed him. The untucked shirt, absent tie, and haphazard hair. Then I looked at his bloodshot eyes. He was something; that was certain.

  “Go eat something, Lars.” Daphne took a sip of her water through her straw. “You look like hell.”

  “I am in hell. We need to talk.” The whole cafeteria seemed to be holding their breath as he wobbled closer, his hands slapping onto the table as he leaned over Daphne.

  She appeared content to ignore him, but I knew she didn’t really want to. Her feet shifted beneath the table, and her shoulders tensed. “Go,” she said.

  “Oh, fuck you. You don’t want me now, is that it?”

  Daphne kept her eyes down.

  “Huh?” Lars bellowed. “At
least look at me when you lie through your ten-thousand-dollar teeth.”

  Daphne braced her hands on the table, about to get up.

  “Mr. Bradby. Head to the principal’s office. Now.”

  Lars’s hands slipped off the table as he threw his head back, a quiet, rasped laugh falling past his lips. “You’ve got to be shitting me. Why?”

  Mr. Denkins just arched a bushy brow as he gestured to the doors.

  Lars groaned, and Jackson thumped him on the back. “Get it over with.”

  We watched in silence as they left, and then all at once, mouths started moving.

  Including mine. “He’s high?”

  “When is he not?” Daphne said.

  “I didn’t think they got high at school.” I folded the wrapper over my lunch. My appetite still hadn’t entirely returned.

  Willa chewed her pasta, then swallowed. “They don’t. Well, not always.”

  I licked my lips, watching as Daphne tried to act like the past few minutes didn’t happen. “You are allowed to be upset, you know,” I finally said.

  Daphne rolled her eyes. “I am, dummy. I’m just not letting him see that.”

  “Why?” Willa asked. “He clearly still wants you.”

  Daphne slammed her water bottle down on the table. “He’s knocked up another girl. I’m not going to become an extra on some teenage parenting special.”

  I knew she didn’t mean that. The glass filming over her eyes betrayed her bitter words.

  Willa wrapped an arm around her shoulders, and Daphne closed her eyes, collecting herself. “Just because she’s having his baby doesn’t mean they need to be together. My parents are proof of that.”

  “I know. But I don’t want to be in the way of some poor kid’s parents potentially being able to raise he or she together.” Daphne grabbed her bag, checking her phone. “You never know, this is high school. Annika might not be so intolerable five years from now, and I won’t be the reason they look at each other and wonder what if somewhere down the line.”

  With that, she got up, heading for the doors with eyes following the swish of her hips.

  Willa and I glanced at one another. “Should we follow?”

  I shook my head. “I think she needs a minute. She knows we’ve got her.”

  Willa finished eating, and I wished we’d sat outside. He wasn’t here, but I couldn’t help but look for him in every empty chair.

  Especially during the last class of the day, where he was supposed to sit next to me. It was beginning to drive me mad. I didn’t want to look for him. I didn’t want anything to do with him. Ever. Again.

  But why wasn’t he here?

  Outside, I raced to my locker and swapped out my books, grabbing my keys as I made a beeline for the glass doors that led to freedom. The freedom to feel without everyone trying to dissect you like some science experiment. The freedom to be angry instead of keeping it carefully veiled, lest you be known as the heartbroken fool who was slightly deranged.

  “He made this groaning sound.” Kayla’s voice caught my feet, stopping them in their tracks at the bottom of the steps outside. “It was yum like you wouldn’t believe. And he’s as big as the rumors suggest.”

  The curtain covering my anger dropped, and I glared at her. “Seriously?”

  Kayla tilted her head, blinking like a doll. “I’m sorry, are you talking to me?”

  “I’m not sure. Were you the one just talking about having sex with a guy who couldn’t even blow his load with you?” At her gasp, I grinned, malicious satisfaction curling deep. “Oh, yep. That was you, right?”

  “You’re just jealous it wasn’t you.”

  I couldn’t stop the words from fleeing my lips if I’d tried. “Uh-huh. That’s why he was able to come down my throat within a minute of my mouth being on him.” I nodded. “I’m so damn jealous.”

  Her cheeks flamed, her lips flattening, and I laughed, flipping her off before cutting through the students that’d paused to listen and heading to my car.

  I took my broken heart pass on Tuesday and bummed around the house, alternating from crying, eating, gaming, and more eating. My appetite had returned, but I wasn’t proud of the choices I made.

  I drizzled more chocolate topping into my tub of cherry ice cream, then scooped a massive heaping into my mouth as I restarted the game. Dash hadn’t been online, and I was keeping the hell off social media.

  Nothing made an already angry heart angrier faster than people boasting about their best selves.

  “Mother trucker,” I spewed, coughing as I swallowed the ice cream before it’d melted enough. I threw the controller down, then picked up the tub as the game unexpectedly updated.

  The door opened and closed, and Mom’s heels clipped over the wood as she probably dumped her bag in the kitchen, then she headed this way. “You’ve used your free pass.”

  “And I’m using it wisely,” I said around another glob of creamy goodness.

  Her lips twisted as she spied the chocolate sauce on my dresser. “Just don’t get any of that on the sheets. I washed them yesterday.”

  I waved her off, checking the TV screen and groaning when I saw the update still hadn’t completed.

  “Okay, well, I’ll order in some pizza so you can make the most of it.” She left, and I would’ve fist pumped the air at the thought of garlic pizza, but I probably wouldn’t be able to fit it in.

  A pounding on the front door had Mom’s heels stopping, and I set my ice-cream tub down, about to restart the game, finally, when a high-pitched voice had my whole body stilling.

  I moved to my bedroom door so I could hear better.

  “He hasn’t been here,” I heard Mom say.

  “You’re lying; he’s always here. It’s like his second home or something.” May made a sniffing sound, and I could picture her nose in the air as she peered down it at our tiny foyer. “I just want to know if he’s okay.”

  Mom repeated herself. “He isn’t here, and he hasn’t been for a few days.”

  May was quiet a moment. “Well, where’s Peggy? Does she know?”

  “What’s wrong? He hasn’t been home?” Mom asked.

  May huffed. “If he had, I wouldn’t be subjecting myself to this.”

  A short burst of laughter from Mom. “Goodbye, May.”

  “Wait,” May said in a rush. “He hasn’t been home since Sunday morning. It’s not like him to be gone for longer than a night. His fucking cat gets anxious.”

  Church did get anxious. He’d usually only eat when Dash was home. Still, I couldn’t make myself move. Where had he gone?

  “Have you notified the police?” Mom asked.

  May didn’t sound like she liked the sound of that. “No, Mikael said he’s just throwing a tantrum, and that we’d only make an unnecessary fuss by acknowledging it.” It was like May to make a fuss but not like this.

  “Yet you’re worried,” Mom said.

  May said nothing for a long moment. “Let me know if you see him.” Belatedly, she tacked on, “Please.”

  Mom must have nodded because then the door shut, and I walked down the hall to peer through the living room curtains as May pulled away from the curb in her pearl white Mercedes.

  “You haven’t heard from him?” Mom prodded behind me. “At all?”

  I let the curtain fall. “No. Nothing.”

  “Yeah, girl! Shake it.”

  I swung my hips faster, the black dress I’d stolen from Mom’s closet swishing around my hips, flashing a little too much thigh.

  I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything as I kept swigging from the bottle of vodka in my hand, and dancing over the sand.

  “Fuck off, Tenterson,” Daphne said, kicking sand at him.

  He raised his hands as he backed up. “Hey, she’s dancing of her own accord. I’m just here to watch.”

  As were the other five guys creeping closer with drinks in hand. The music coming from the tiny speaker was loud enough to surround half the bay, and I was surpris
ed any of us could hear a thing, let alone talk.

  I didn’t want to talk. I just wanted to forget, and it’d occurred to me late Wednesday night when I’d found a half-emptied bottle of wine on the counter that Mom and Phil had shared, that alcohol was probably good for that.

  I’d finished it, blamed its disappearance on Phil when he’d left for work the next morning after spending the night, and then made plans to get my hands on more. A hangover was worth it. Anything was worth being able to shut out the memories that kept me from sleeping. From smiling.

  He’d taken enough from me, and I wouldn’t let him take any more.

  “Whoa, baby. I never knew she had hips, let alone knew how to shake ’em,” a masculine voiced called.

  My hips slowing, I narrowed my eyes at the voice, then crooked a finger. He’d do. There was something to be said about seeking distraction with another human being, and I felt that rush as Danny approached. Felt it sweep through me like a drug wrapped in promise.

  Maybe I couldn’t do what Dash had done to me, but I didn’t need to go that far to aid in my quest of distraction and forgetting.

  His hands hit my waist, and his breath stank of beer as he lowered his head, his hands squeezing. “You smell good for a drunken dancer,” he said.

  “And if I didn’t?” I purred, unsure if I was successful but not caring.

  The timbre to his voice changed, became rougher, as he rushed out, “I probably wouldn’t care. Just looking at you is making me hard.”

  Game, set, and match. I grabbed his face, my body and lips swaying into his, and then he was pulled away. “Hey, what the fuck?”

  “Go prey on someone who’s not trashed out of their minds,” Raven said, shoving Danny away when he made to move back to me.

  Danny looked at me, and I winked, taking another drink from the glass bottle in my hand. It burned going down, but it was a nice match to the one residing in my chest. “Come find me later, Peggy.”

  I probably wouldn’t, but I smiled anyway and ignored the glare Raven was sending me. “Pegs,” he said, plucking the bottle from my hand. He turned to Daphne, but she was ready, hands on her hips and her arched brow daring him to say something to her.