After five minutes, Jamaria and I had both calmed down. Jabari walked over to the bed, still with her in his arms, and he sat next to me. He leaned over and kissed the top of my forehead, which was enough to really get me at peace.
“You're too hard on yourself, shorty. This is only the first two days. We’re both still learning. I also meant to tell you this earlier. It won’t be the end of the world if you don’t get this breastfeeding shit down pat. Nobody is going to look at you as less of a mother if you don’t do it. You can’t try to do what everybody does, shorty. You gotta do what’s best for you and my daughter. If it’s causing you too much pain like you say it is, then there are other options, and you know that. Get some sleep. I got the baby,” he assured me.
I didn’t want to fall asleep; I didn’t want to look like I was lazy. There were plenty of other women on this floor with me who had just given birth, and I doubted that any of them were sleeping. What about the single moms who probably did it all by themselves with no family and friends for support? I was sure that she didn’t have the option of getting any sleep.
I sat there for over twenty minutes, trying to fight my sleep. Every time I felt my head hitting the back of the pillow, I would jump up and stretch my eyes in an attempt to stay up. Each time I did that, I could feel Jabari’s eyes on me.
Jamari was still lying down on him, and he had the television on ESPN, but the sound was turned down low. I was so tired. My eyes were so heavy. I guess it wouldn’t make me that bad of a mom if I just closed my eyes for a few minutes, right? Maybe if I closed them for a short period, I could have some type of strength in a couple of hours, and I would know how to properly give Jamari all of my attention. Pretty soon, I was no longer able to fight it. My eyes had closed, and I drifted off to a peaceful sleep, which wasn’t something that I’d had since the day before I gave birth to my daughter.
Jashae Johnson
“Ima drop you off to your grandma,” Miami said after about five minutes of us being in his car together.
We’d just left the hospital from seeing his father, and he didn’t look well. I swear I don’t see how we didn’t notice that something was wrong with him before. Then again, it wasn’t this bad yet. He’d lost a ton of weight, the hair that he did have on his head had all come off, and watching him lie in that hospital bed, I could just tell that he was suffering. Although he fought so hard to act like he was okay, everyone could see that he wasn’t.
I couldn’t help but feel so sorry for Miami. He had such a great relationship with his father, and to have witnessed him like that, I knew that it had to hurt. Having to watch firsthand Miami’s experience this with his father made me think of my own father and the fact that he and I were in a bad place right now in our relationship. Like I said before, I lost a lot of respect for that man. It just wasn’t right what he had done. There was literally nothing that he could ever say that would be enough to justify what he’d done. Nothing! Especially not when he had so many chances to come clean with the truth.
I could see if Mahogany was someone who he never got the chance to see once her mom had her, but that wasn’t the case. This man was around her since she was five. I used to think the world of my daddy, really believing in my heart that this man could do no wrong, but after all of this had come out, he had shifted my beliefs. I knew that pretty soon, a conversation was long overdue with me, Mahogany, our father, and Mahogany’s mother. We all deserved to hear the whole truth, but out of everybody, it was more so Mahogany because she was the one who had been hurt the most.
So, not only was I dealing with that right now, but Miami and I were at each other’s throats as well. I never in my life though that he and I would not be on the best terms because since we put a title to what we were doing, I literally ate, slept, and breathed him. I felt like I needed Miami just to breathe. He was everything to me, and I think that a lot of my dependence on him came from me losing my son. I still felt that way about him, but these days, I didn’t so much know how he felt about me.
Me choosing not to tell Miami about Trip calling plus him dealing with the sickness of his father had tainted our relationship. It wasn’t the same. I wasn’t sleeping at home because Miami didn’t come home! His nights were spent out doing God knows what, and because I ran to my grandma’s house for every little inconvenience in my life, that’s where Maya I had been sleeping lately. I was hurting these days, but I felt like I couldn’t say anything because then I would come off as selfish and inconsiderate of what Miami was dealing with.
I just wanted him to at least acknowledge that the baby and I exist. He doesn’t even touch me and barely looks my way twice. Miami looked me in my eyes a week ago and told me that he didn’t know where he and I stood, and that hurt me so bad. I regretted lying to him about the reason why I changed my number. When I came home that night, I should have told him about the heated conversation that I had on the phone with Trip on the way home from work. I swear my actions were pure; I was only trying to keep the peace in our relationship, and now it might have cost me it.
I could put myself in Miami’s shoes and see where he might have thought that I was being sneaky, but I wasn’t. For him to tell me that I was protecting Trip really did hurt me because I knew that wasn’t my motive at all. Then, I thought about the fact that I took Maya in, which was a product of Trip, and I wondered if I did too much. Was it wrong for me to do that to Miami? If he wanted to leave me, I guess he had every right to because I was sure that his life was much more peaceful before he pursued me.
When I did finally make the decision to keep Maya, that decision was only made after Miami had assured me that he was down with whatever I was down with. Miami was the type of man who supported me with anything I did. Now, I wondered if that was one of those things he just pretended to be down with for me, but deep down, having to accept another man’s child really wasn’t something that he wanted to do. Then again, Miami wasn’t the type of man who would ever do something that he didn’t want to. Plus, he adored Maya. He treated that little girl as if she was his own. Even with him and me not talking, he still made it his business to come and see her while I was at my grandma’s house. She’d started school now, and he played a really big part in the preparation of that, such as making sure that she had all of her school supplies, uniform. He even bought her tons of shoes and three new book bags, when she really only needed one.
“Where are you going? It’s almost ten at night, Toddrick. Why are you throwing me off over there?” I questioned.
“I’m throwing you off over there, or are you running over there, shorty? Every time shit don’t go your spoiled ass way, you go running over there. I’m just taking you to your comfort zone since it damn sure ain’t me. You make that perfectly clear!” he said.
I whipped my head, looking at him like he was fuckin’ crazy.
“Nigga, you don’t come home, so how the fuck can you be my comfort? Why would I sit in that big ass house by my fuckin’ self? Don’t put this shit on me, Miami!” I screamed.
He knew good and damn well why I wasn’t coming home. After Vonte died, I couldn’t stand the thought of being in a house by myself. Yes, Maya would be there, but at night, she’s asleep, and that’s really when I become the neediest. When Miami would decide to bring his ass home, it would be well after I’d already fallen asleep, which is why I decided to leave for a little while.
“Shorty, I’m putting every piece of this motha fucka on you! You know good and fuckin’ well why I’m beefing with your ass! If you need a reminder, call out your new phone number and question yourself on why you changed it. Let’s end this conversation now. Half of this fuckin’ relationship has been spent with us arguing over that fuck nigga anyway. I’m tired of wasting all my fuckin’ energy on that clown. Ain’t you?” he sarcastically asked me.
I could see myself swinging on his ass. Like, in that one second, a thought flashed in my head, and I could really see myself jumping on his side of the car and pounding on his ass bec
ause he was pissing me off. It’s like he wasn’t going to let me live this shit down.
“Where are you going after you drop me off?” I questioned, not even bothering to answer the question that he’d asked me.
It took him a while, but he finally prepared to answer me.
“L.A. right quick,” he voiced like it was no big thing.
This was my first time hearing any of this, so I sucked my teeth loud as hell.
“L.A., for what? You say it like that shit is right around the fuckin’ corner, Miami. Don’t drop me off then. I’m going with you. We’re going to L.A.,” I corrected him because he wasn’t about to go nowhere without me.
“Look, I ain’t going out there for no fuckin’ pleasure, alright? I’m not going there on no business shit either. I’m popping up on my baby mama. I’m getting the fuck in and getting the fuck out. Taniya called me while we were at the hospital and told me that she saw her mama’s boyfriend punch her mama in the mouth. Before you start bitching, I’m only going down there to check dude because, no, that’s not my shorty, but at the end of the day, that’s my daughter’s mama. Another nigga not going to be putting his fuckin’ hands on her, especially while my child is over there.
“If that motha fucka put his hands on my child, I’m killing him, period! I just want to look him in his fuckin’ eyes and make that shit clear, that’s all. Now, ask yourself, does this sound like a trip that interests you? Let me know. You can ride this bitch out with me if you want to,” he said as we slowly approached my grandmother’s house.
I didn’t even bother to respond. I just sat back in the seat and stared out of the window, counting the minutes until I got out of the car and from around his ass! In about another five minutes, he pulled in the driveway and parked right behind my grandmother’s car. I watched him as he shut the car off, and before either of us could get out, I said something.
“Let me know if this isn’t what you want to do, Miami. Ain’t no sense in me having two baby daddies,” I let him know, meaning every word of it.
I didn’t want to be just another baby mama to him. I knew what that felt like after being one to Trip for so long. If shit was going to get too toxic for him and me to be around each other, then he needed to let me know now. Swear that I didn’t even believe in abortions, but I’ll be damned if I go through the same bullshit with Miami that I went through with Trip during our first years of Vonte’s life.
In the beginning, when I found out that I was pregnant, I felt like the timing was perfect, but now, not so much. Miami’s father was pretty much on his death bed, and I was arguing with this man almost every fuckin’ day, so a decision on what we were going to do needed to be made.
“Get the fuck on with that crazy ass bullshit, man! Lately, everything that comes out of your fuckin’ mouth be sounding so damn crazy!” he voiced.
I could tell that I’d pissed him off with what I said. That much was obvious in the way his eyebrows were furrowed mixed with the flexing of his jaws, down to the way that he was holding the keys that were in his hands.
“It’s not crazy ass bullshit! It’s the fuckin’ truth. Forget it,” I said, not even having the strength to argue with his ass anymore.
My head was pounding, and all I wanted to do was shower, crawl in my bed, then call it a night. I quickly got out of the car, grabbed my purse from the back seat, and met Miami on the porch. I used the spare key that I had to get into my grandma’s house and let us in. All the lights were off inside the house except for the lamp that she had on in the living room.
While Miami walked to the back, where I’m pretty sure he went to check on Maya, I went to my bedroom that I liked to sleep in whenever I came over. The moment I got inside the room, I turned the light on and set my purse down on the dresser. I found some pajamas and undergarments then went into the bathroom to take a quick shower.
I had promised myself that I would stop crying because I knew that my baby would feel everything that I felt, but I couldn’t control my emotions, so I broke down. I felt like I was losing everything. I hated this place that Miami and I were in right now. In just a week, I went from having a man who worshipped the ground that I walked on to having a man who I felt like was only still around and tolerating me because he knew that I was pregnant. In the back of my mind, I honestly felt that if I weren’t pregnant with Miami’s child, he would have already left me because there wouldn’t have been anything for him to stick around for.
I stayed in the shower for about another twenty minutes because I decided to wash my hair while I was in. Stepping out, I reached for my towel to wrap around my head while I pulled another on my body. I went over to the sink to do my nightly skin routine, and then I brushed my teeth. Once my pajamas and everything was on, and the towel was off my head, my damp hair lay freely as I walked out of the room to check on Maya.
She was a couple of doors down and scared of the dark, so she chose to sleep with her room door open while there was a night light inside as well. I could smell Miami’s cologne upon walking in, so that let me know that he’d been inside there. The window in Maya’s bedroom faced the driveway. When I looked out of it, I saw that his car was gone, which assured me that he’d left without even telling me goodbye.
I walked away from the window and went over to Maya’s bed. She was lying on her back, sleeping so peacefully. The mom in me cringed when I saw that my grandma had let her go to bed without putting her scarf on her head to protect her braids. A part of me wanted to wake her up just to put it on, but I didn’t bother her. I leaned my head down, kissed her forehead a couple of times, and walked away from the bed. I didn’t leave her bedroom door wide open like how it originally was. Instead, I cracked it.
I heard the TV blasting from my grandma’s bedroom, although her double French doors were closed. That let me know that she was up. I could hear Steve Harvey’s loud ass voice on the TV, so I knew that she was in there watching Family Feud, which was one of her favorite shows.
I knocked twice, and when I heard her tell me to come in, I pushed the door open. There she was, sitting up in the middle of the bed, cracking up to her favorite show.
“Did he come in here before he left?” was the first thing that I asked.
“You know he did. How are you feeling?” she questioned, although I was quite sure that the look on my face pretty much told it all.
I had bags under my eyes from lack of sleep, and I felt like my eyes were always red, due to me crying all the damn time. I just all around didn’t look happy.
“How you think I’m doing, ma? That man doesn’t even love me anymore,” I complained, and she looked at me like I was crazy as she waved me off.
“Girl, please! If you ask me, that man loves your ass too much. You and I both know that he’s only acting this way toward you because he’s dealing with his father being sick,” she told me the moment I climbed in bed with her and made myself comfortable.
She always had it so cold in the house at night, just like how I had my home, so I found myself lying down with the covers pretty much over my whole body.
“Then why is he pushing me away like this? When I lost Vonte, that’s when I needed Miami the most, and he wasn’t even my boyfriend at the time. Why is it that when women hurt, we need to be around love, comfort, and support, but when a man is hurt, it’s the total opposite, and they would rather be alone?” I questioned like she could speak for every man and woman on earth.
“I wish I knew the answer to that, Shae. Everybody deals with the sickness of a loved one differently. Your father was the same way years ago when your mother died. He pushed everybody who tried to be there for him away. You still gotta love them and still somehow try to be there for them, although they act like they don’t want you there, but trust me, they do. Take it one day at a time with him. It’s still fresh. He kind of just found out about his father’s cancer,” she let me know, and I nodded.
“Would you have ever guessed that Daddy and Mahogany’s mom had messed around
?” I quizzed.
She released a sigh right before she got the remote and paused the TV.
“Never in a million years. That was a blow to me as well. Her and your mom had a relationship like you and Mahogany. When you saw one, you always saw the other. Your mom would be over my house pretty much every day because, for whatever reason, she was in love with your crazy ass daddy,” she said, followed by a laugh, making me laugh too. I always loved to hear stories about my mother, especially since I never got the chance to meet her. “She was glued to his hip, the same way you are with Miami. I wasn’t for a bunch of girls being at my house, but from the beginning, I supported what your parents had, although they were young. Your mom was so mature for her age, and I felt like that’s what my son needed, so I didn’t mind her coming over.
“I was a little disappointed when I found out that she was pregnant with you because they were both still young and babies in my eyes, but it wasn’t my call to tell another woman what to do with her body, so I had to accept that I would have a baby on the way. It broke my heart when your mother died because I thought of her as my daughter too.
“Literally, a year after that, her mother, which was your grandmother, died from a massive heart attack. She never got over the death of her daughter, which is why when Vonte died, I made it my business to be there for you because I didn’t want you not be able to cope with life after that because she sure didn’t. As far as your mother, Shae, I’m just as disappointed in him as you are. This wasn’t the type of secret that he should have kept. I could see if he and Mahogany’s mom had sex once, and that was it. Okay cool, you can take that to the grave because we all have some dark skeletons in our closet that we’re not comfortable with addressing, but a child was conceived out of what they did. A child that he pretty much watched grow up. If Mahogany decides that she doesn’t want anything to do with him, I can’t fault her for it. She has every reason in the world to be mad at him,” she said, and I nodded my head in understanding.
Down With the King of the South 4 Page 2
