Damaged Desires: A Frenemy, Military Romance

by LJ Evans

  “It’s better if we split you up.” His voice was calm, determined, insistent.

  “I’m just reeling from the fact that you have a home.”

  Nash looked uncomfortable. “It’s where I grew up.”

  This was equally impossible for me to think about. Nash growing up somewhere, playing games, climbing trees, and getting in trouble. There was no way I could imagine him as a child. A laughing, carefree kid. It wasn’t him. He could be flirtatious and charming. He could even play a prank, smirking at me or his teammates. But to see him with no worries, out playing with kids his age on the street…it just wasn’t computing in my brain.

  The idea of seeing this mysterious place where Nash had done this miraculous thing of growing from a baby to a man was too tempting. The ability to see it and perhaps understand him a little more. To see a part of him I was pretty sure he’d never shown anyone else, because neither Mac nor Tristan had ever mentioned him having family. It would be a piece of him only I had.

  I didn’t have the energy to analyze that desire. For me to hold a part of him close to me.

  “Where will Brady go?” I asked, looking back to the rest of the team, and I could almost feel the relief roll off Nash at my acquiescence.

  “I have a cousin with a summer home in Vermont. I’ll make some calls and see if we can stay there,” Lee said.

  Tanner didn’t look happy with any of it—another thing that was spiraling out of his control when his life had been so neat and tidy before. “I’m going to go call Garner. Let me know when we have a location, and we can make a plan.”

  Nash didn’t offer to assist with it, and I frowned.

  Lee looked at me and said, “I don’t want to announce anything until first thing in the morning.”

  “I’ll put the press release together and email it to you for your review,” I told him. “Did anyone happen to pick up my bag from the restaurant?”

  “Brady grabbed it. It’s over here,” Alice said, and she scrambled over to the formal dining room table and a chair where my purse was tucked away. I thanked her as she handed it to me and headed for the door.

  Brady met me there. He hugged me one more time. “I’m sorry I dragged you into this mess. If I’d known, I never would have asked you to come on board. Georgie is going to tear me to shreds.”

  I hugged him back. “You could never have suspected this. You take care of yourself and keep safe.”

  “Let Nash protect you, please. I’ll feel better knowing you’re with him.”

  God, letting Nash protect me was almost more than I could handle at the moment, but I nodded to reassure Brady.

  Nash followed me out of the suite and back to the elevator without a word.

  When the door opened, my feet stalled.

  Nash put a foot in the door, as he had earlier, and then looked at me with concern in his eyes. “We can take the stairs.”

  I shook my head, took a deep breath, and entered the box. I stood right by the door. Nash selected the button and then reached a hand for mine again. I closed my eyes, focusing on my breathing and the feel of his touch. A touch so gentle most people would never expect it from this tough, military man.

  “Tell me where you live,” I said, wanting to focus on anything but me.

  “It’s just across the state border in Georgia.”

  “I don’t think I realized you had family.”

  “I have an uncle,” he said.

  I opened my eyes, and even though he was looking at me, I could tell he was somewhere else. Somewhere in his past. Somewhere that didn’t bring a smile to his lips, like thinking of my home, my childhood, and my family usually did to me.

  It only made me more curious about the home he was taking us to.

  The doors dinged open, and I stepped out. I’d made it through two elevator rides without a complete meltdown. After the day I’d had, I would consider it a huge win. An enormous step forward. Someday, I’d be able to do it on my own, without Nash guiding me through, and I’d feel even stronger.

  As exhausted as I was, my day wasn’t over yet. I had a whole host of press releases and social media posts to schedule. I had to make a list of the VIPs and sponsors to call and start that process. So, when we got back to the hotel room, I set myself up at the desk and started to plow through it all as the afternoon dipped into the dark of night and the room became shadowed with lamplight.

  While I worked, I tried sipping at the ginger ale Nash had given me earlier, but my stomach wouldn’t tolerate it. I headed for the restroom once again, frustrated more than embarrassed now. I was so freaking tired I just wanted to put my head down and sleep for a week. When I came back out, Nash looked me over from head to toe again, but I ignored it as my phone buzzed.

  TRISTAN: I’m so glad Nash is there with you. Are you okay?

  “You told Tristan?” I asked.

  He nodded. “I didn’t want her to worry about where I was at.”

  Tristan and Hannah and their frenzied dog were his family, even if he hadn’t mentioned them upstairs. Tristan relied on him. He cared for her. I had to remember those things when my body decided it would very much like a repeat performance of the disastrous poker night. Except, that night hadn’t felt disastrous. It had felt perfect right up until the next morning when I’d become a regret.

  ME: Will be. I’m sorry to keep him from coming back to you.

  TRISTAN: ** fall out of chair laughing emoji ** Can you please keep him a little longer? He’s driving me to the brink, and I don’t want to ruin our friendship. Darren would have hated that.

  ME: You’re more than friends.

  TRISTAN: I almost just gagged. Don’t imply there’s anything remotely sexual between Nash and me. He’s more the brother I never had. But just like a lot of siblings do, we’re going through a rough patch right now.

  I wasn’t sure how to respond. Relief that my actions hadn’t done anything to hurt her or Nash or a relationship I’d imagined. Wariness because using her as a shield to protect me from what I felt for him would be gone if there was nothing there between them more than familial love. Fear because my emotions for Nash were complicated and because we were both pretty screwed up people who could easily hurt each other.

  TRISTAN: Truth is, I need a break from more than him. I need a break from everything that reminds me of Darren, including this town we grew up in. I’m going back to New York to stay with my grandma for a while.

  ME: What about Molly?

  TRISTAN: I’m taking her with us. We’re leaving tomorrow.

  ME: Will you let me know when you get there?

  TRISTAN: Will do. And Dani, be gentle with him. He’s hurting, and he doesn’t believe he’s worthy of forgiveness or love.

  Love was definitely not something I could think about. Not with him.

  But the reminder that he was hurting, that Tristan was hurting, brought into perfect clarity how ridiculous I was for my episodes in the elevator. I hadn’t lost a husband. I hadn’t had to pick up my best friend’s bloody body to bring back to his family. I’d been kissed and grabbed and hit. I’d had a few nasty words flung my way. It wasn’t anything compared to their losses.

  I turned to watch him as he sat in the armchair, flipping through his laptop with a frown on his face. His guilt was still rippling off him in waves. Not only for what had happened today, but also from what he’d said to me earlier about not deserving the Silver Star. He’d been the reason any of them had come home. He’d been the reason families had bodies to bury.

  “What are you doing?” I asked him.

  “Going through the personnel files again.”

  “Do you really think it’s someone on the team?” I asked, my heart sagging at the thought.

  “Not sure yet. I do know there was no way she was in that restaurant today.”

  I didn’t argue with him because I certainly didn’t want him to feel more responsible than he already did.

  He closed h
is laptop. “I feel like we’re missing a piece, which just reinforces the need to split up.”

  “Won’t it put Brady in a worse situation?” I asked, worry coursing through me.

  “If someone from Brady’s group is involved, and they want us to believe it’s Fiona acting alone, they’ll have to take a step back while he’s in hiding. Otherwise, it’ll just expose them more and have us deep-diving into everyone’s lives.”

  It was all too much to think about on top of everything else I’d been through. I was exhausted. Emotionally. Physically. I wanted to step away from it all as more than just a survivor. I wanted to be resilient and strong. But right now, I needed sleep, and hopefully, when I woke in the morning, I’d truly step out from the ashes and start again.

  Nash

  STILL BREATHING

  “I've been running all my life.

  Just to find a home that's for the restless,

  And the truth that's in the message,

  Making my way, away, away.”

  Performed by Green Day

  Written by Armstrong / Pritchard / Wright III / Slack / Spiller

  Dani came out of the bathroom in a pair of cotton shorts so tiny they barely covered her butt cheeks and a tank which almost showed as much as it hid. They were clearly pajamas of some sort in a print almost childlike. Cupcakes and unicorns. Things I’d never associated with a grown woman before.

  Dani lay down in the bed where she’d slept earlier. Her eyes were so tired they looked bruised. When she closed her eyes, I got up and turned off the lights before sitting back down in the chair. I slouched, resting my neck on the chair back, staring at the ceiling.

  I was pretty sure I wouldn’t sleep.

  Not with Dani in the bed in front of me in almost nothing. Not with Dani needing protection from some obsessed maniac. I’d already locked every single lock on the door and checked the windows. The vents were far enough away with a weave on the grate small enough it would be almost impossible to slide a scope through. It was overkill. But my mind had been programmed to think this way, and the worst thing you could do was to take your enemy for granted.

  My thoughts from earlier swirled through me again. None of the notes had been signed. Nothing truly tied the attacks back to Fiona. Images of our time at the restaurant replayed in my mind. Every inch. Every face. Every body. There’d been five men from the detail there. The super twins, two I barely knew, and Tanner. Tanner was an asshole, but I was pretty sure that was just because he hated me taking over and showing him his failures. It had nothing to do with Dani, but then again, this had started with Brady, and I wasn’t sure what any of their relationships had been like before Dani and I had come on board.

  “You don’t have to sleep in the chair,” Dani’s voice broke into my thoughts. “You can sleep on the bed.” Her eyes were closed, and her voice sounded slow, slightly slurred as she started to fall asleep.

  “I’m good,” I told her.

  “I’m not contagious. I don’t have cooties. You can’t catch Dani cooties from sleeping in a bed with me and clean sheets,” she said, her lips quirked up at the corners like she was smirking at me even half asleep.

  My lips quirked a return answer, even as the truth settled in. I already had Dani cooties. There were all kinds of Dani cooties crawling under and over my skin. And damn if those cooties weren’t enticing enough to make me want to forget reality, a promise to a dead brother, and promises to myself about my job and relationships. It made me want to forget everything but the skin of the woman who smelled like sunshine and honey and a childhood I’d all but forgotten about.

  A childhood spent at a home I would be sharing with someone for the first time in my adult life. I’d never taken anyone there. Darren had known about it, but he’d never seen it firsthand. Not once. It wasn’t a place I chose to spend my time. I hadn’t been back in three years, even when Maribelle had begged.

  Guilt hit me at thoughts of Maribelle.

  While I watched, Dani’s smile softened, followed by her entire face, until I knew she was asleep. The slow rhythm of her chest against the sheets was like a timepiece waving in front of my face, hypnotizing me, pulling me under until my eyes closed, and I let myself doze off. A few minutes of surrender before I’d be on high alert again. At least, until I got her somewhere safe.

  When I woke, the room was still dark, but since we hadn’t shut the curtains, I could see the sky turning a deep midnight blue instead of the black shadow it had been. My eyes went right back to Dani. She was in the exact same position she’d been in when I’d closed my eyes a few hours before. She’d been exhausted, her body and mind worn out, the emotions that had coursed through her almost as draining as the ipecac syrup.

  I took a quick shower, and when I came out, she was sitting in the desk chair at her laptop again. She had her long, dark waves pulled over one shoulder, baring her neck on the side closest to me. Her eyes were trained on the screen, but since I’d opened the bathroom door, she’d pulled her shoulders back, straightening, showing no cracks in her veneer.

  I wanted to kiss the soft flesh facing me until she let the veneer fall away. Until she was reaching for me and my body and forgetting everything else but her and me and the way we moved together. Instead, I did what I was good at. I boxed up those emotions and slammed them into the footlocker deep inside me.

  “How do you feel?” I asked.

  She glanced over at me, then away, and then her eyes came back, taking me in from the top of my wet, dark hair down to my tactical boots. She assessed me in the way I often did her. Weighing. Classifying. Trying to pinpoint the thing about her that was driving me insane with need.

  “I’m actually starving, but I’m not ready to put food into my stomach yet,” she said. “You aren’t in cargo pants.”

  I looked down at the jeans I was wearing. They were worn and comfortable.

  “I do own civilian clothes,” I said with a half-smile.

  “This might be only the second time I’ve ever seen you in them,” she said, turning back to her screen with a hard swallow that made her throat move up and down. It was good to know she was struggling against desire as much as I was. I wasn’t the only one waging an internal war.

  After spending an hour on the computer and her phone, breaking Brady’s disappearing act to the world, she got ready for the day. Every time I heard a noise in the bathroom, all I could see was her naked frame in the shower all over again.

  Her perfect curves. Her perfect skin. Her perfectly kissable lips.

  Mac’s name lighting up my screen reminded me of exactly what he’d do to me if he knew where my thoughts had gone.

  “Yeah,” I said.

  “What’s going on?” The demand in Mac’s voice was both expected and humorous until my thoughts went to Dani vomiting in a bathroom stall.

  “What do you know, and what do you need to know?” I asked.

  “Damnit, Nash. You went down there to protect them, and now Brady is canceling concerts and disappearing. What the hell is going on?”

  The bathroom door opened, and Dani emerged in the white sundress she’d worn for about a minute the day before. It made her tanned skin stand out as if it were glimmering with fairy dust in the half-light of the hotel room.

  “Dani hasn’t told you?” I asked, surprised.

  She froze and then started waving her head and her hands in a wild “no” fashion.

  “Told me what?” Mac asked.

  I sat down, running a finger along the scar that was hidden under my T-shirt.

  “She was―” The phone was ripped from my hand.

  “Mac, stop pestering him. He has a job to do, you know,” she said, flashing a wink at me. At least she was more herself this morning.

  I could hear Mac’s tone but not his words. He clearly wasn’t happy.

  “Look, we just need to stay low for a little while until the police catch up with her.” She paused to listen. “Yes, there were so
me more incidents. Enough to have the Otter suggesting everyone run for the hills.” She eyed me like I’d done something completely horrible, like killing a butterfly. “No, I’m going to stay low for a while along with Brady. Don’t worry. Honest, we’ve got a Navy SEAL looking out for us.” Mac must have said something sarcastic, because her lips twitched. “Ha. Good one. Hug Georgie for me. We’ll talk later. Love you, Squirter.”

  She winced at the nickname, hung up, and handed me back my phone.

  “Sorry. I just don’t want them to worry,” she said.

  It wasn’t my place to get involved, but I couldn’t help saying, “Mac’s going to be upset and hurt when he finds out.”

  “You promised to never speak of it. Remember, I’ve got the goods now. I’m sure I’ll be able to dig up that cadet calendar without too much effort.”

  I chuckled. It didn’t bother me, but I was fine with letting her think it did if it made her feel better about yesterday.

  ♫ ♫ ♫

  By the time we made it down the stairs, checked out, picked up a rental, and got out of Tallahassee, it was midmorning. While I drove toward Thomasville, Dani took calls, responded to emails, and commented on social media posts. She hadn’t stopped since she’d woken up.

  She had to be tired and hungry after yesterday, but you’d never know it. She was acting almost as if nothing had happened. As if it had been a bad dream I’d lived through alone. Reality ripped at my guts.

  I hadn’t protected her.

  That one thought was a harsh bellow in my brain that had been on repeat since yesterday.

  It wouldn’t happen again.

  We were a few miles outside of Thomasville when I took a turnoff I knew like the back of my hand. Nothing but the green of farmland and a wave of wild trees surrounded us. It felt almost like nothing had changed until we drove over a newly repaved road instead of the potholes and cracks I’d known from childhood. Proof it had been too long since I’d been back.