She went straight to the track, without consulting the monitor for her exercise schedule. There was no warmup; she simply began to run, at a faster pace than ever before. Still, it wasn’t enough. She was sure if she could run faster or harder, it would somehow simmer down the burning feeling inside, but her breathing was already struggling to keep up with the pace of her hostile jog. The monitor on her shirt began to beep, warning her to slow her pace. Without looking around or even thinking, she tore her shirt off and threw it on the ground, running even harder. Every muscle in her body was burning, and her lungs were on fire, but she kept running, pumping her legs as fast as they would go.
Freya’s pace finally broke, as her body was unable to outrun her mind. She stopped and hunched over, gasping for air. A new sensation began to manifest in her gut, and she hurried over to the sink just in time to empty the contents of her stomach; it wasn’t much, but instantly she felt better. She wiped her mouth, turned the water on to rinse out the sink, and took a little drink. She managed to catch her breath and, for a moment, actually considered going back to the apartment. That foolish thought only lasted for a moment, though, because she simply wasn’t ready. Instead, she went back to the track, as she still had plenty of frustration to work out. This time, a more moderate pace was necessary, one she was more physically comfortable with. The rhythmic contact of her feet somehow cleared her mind and soothed her, numbing the anger and hurt that had overwhelmed her in the doctor’s office.
“Don’t get me wrong. I’m enjoying this new look on you, but you should probably put your shirt back on,” Colin shouted from the side of the room, holding her shirt out in front of him
She jogged over to him, grabbed the shirt, slipped it back on, then continued with her run. When she ran around the track again, he was still standing there.
“You know, when you took your shirt off, they almost sent a medic,” he said as she got closer. “They thought you dropped dead or something.”
She continued past him, without giving him a glance. Can’t I even have this time to myself? she thought. Why did they have to send him, of all people? He’s the last person I want to see right now. She continued, hoping he would leave, but those hopes were quickly dashed when she came back around the track again and saw him standing there.
Colin watched silently this time, saying nothing to her as she passed.
Freya continued another pass, desperately wishing there was someplace she could go, someplace that was just hers, where she could be alone. At that thought, she noticed how fatigued she was getting, and was pretty sure she couldn’t possibly do another lap. To her disappointment, Colin was still there. This time, instead of just seeing him out of her peripheral vision, she looked at him. He looked scared, almost the same way he had looked on their first day together, when he had asked her to come into the bedroom. She slowed to a walk, partly because she couldn’t run anymore and partly because she wanted to prolong what she was sure was an inevitable conversation with the partner she didn’t want.
When Freya walked off the track to get water, he followed her over to the sink and waited silently for a moment.
“Hey, are you okay?”
She said nothing and looked away, wiping the sweat off her face.
“You’re kinda scaring me. I need to know you’re okay, or I won’t be able to go back to work.”
At that point, Freya realized if she didn’t say something, he would go to the apartment with her, and she wanted what little time she had left to be alone. “I just felt like a run. I don’t see what all the fuss is about.”
He nodded, looking defeated, then turned and left her there.
Freya grabbed a towel and dabbed it against her sweaty skin. She walked back to the apartment and hopped into the shower. The hot water felt amazing on her fatigued muscles. She soon lost focus on washing and simply stood there, absorbing the heat. The thought of water rations briefly passed through her mind, but she did not care. They may as well take water from me, she thought. They’ve taken everything else. A feeling of hopelessness started to overcome her. The State had made it very clear: There was an expectation of certain behavior when Colin returned later that day. She had heard the threat loud and clear. Her job at the State House hung in the balance of her actions that very night, her willingness to meet Colin’s needs, as part of her State-mandated coupling. At that moment, Freya broke a promise she had made to herself. She curled up in a ball at the bottom of the shower and cried until the water was shut off. She stayed like that, all hunched up, until her body shook violently, both from the cold air hitting her damp skin and her sobbing.
Finally, she got out of the shower and toweled off. She left her clothing on the floor, wrapped herself in a towel, and crawled into the warmth of the bed. She didn’t have the strength to get dressed, and she didn’t see the point. Her fate had been set; it was out of her control. She just hoped the torture would end quickly. She continued sobbing into the pillow until exhaustion took over.
She awoke to Colin saying her name, quietly and repeatedly, gradually raising in volume. She opened her eyes and saw him standing by the bed, with a plate of food in his hand. She rolled away from him, clutching the blankets up around her face.
“Freya, you should eat something. I can just leave it here if you want to be alone,” he said, placing the plate on the bed.
“I’m not hungry. You can have it,” she snapped, her voice cracking with emotion. As hard as she tried, she still couldn’t hold her tears in, and she began to sob quietly again.
“Please eat. I’ll leave you alone for the rest of the night if you’ll just eat,” he pleaded, his voice also dripping with emotion.
Surprised that he was so upset, Freya turned slightly to look at him, with tears still running down her cheeks.
Colin, caught off guard by her emotional response, turned away. He was not crying, but his eyes were moist, almost as if he was on the verge of tears. “Am I really that bad?” he asked, still unable to make eye contact with her. “I mean, I know you expected to be with someone better, but do you really hate me that much?” He let out a sigh and moved over to the window, keeping his back to her.
Part of Freya felt a little guilty. Colin wasn’t completely terrible, and she even occasionally enjoyed his company. If things had been different, she might have tried to comfort him or reassure him, but at the moment, she didn’t want to be anywhere near him.
“Would you have reacted differently if you found out you were coupled with a doctor or scientist? Would that have made you happy? For a while, when we were getting along, I thought I could make you happy, but now I’m starting to think differently.”
“No,” Freya said, her voice cracking again. She lay there for a moment, searching for the right words. As unhappy as she was with the coupling, it was also unfair to Colin. She needed to find the strength to tell him the truth, because he deserved at least that much. “No, it wouldn’t have made a difference. I didn’t want to be coupled with anyone.”
Colin, shocked, turned away from the window and stared at her.
She rolled back onto her side, unable to look at him.
“Oh!” He rubbed his face, walked over to his side of the bed, and sat down, keeping his back to her. “I never woulda… Wow. I never even thought of that.” He paused, then said, “I don’t know how I missed that one. I guess there are smarter people out there after all.” He lay back on the bed, looking at the ceiling, with his hands folded on his stomach. “Well, at least it makes sense.”
“It does?”
“Yeah. Now I understand why you’re so immune to all my charm and good looks.”
“Don’t feel bad. The State missed it, too, apparently. You’re not as dumb as you think, Colin.”
“Wow. That’s a pretty big thing to miss, huh, not just some little oversight? So, your whole life—like, for as long as you can remember—you’ve always been attracted to women?” he asked, as if sorting through his thoughts out loud.
Freya turned to him i
n protest, momentarily forgetting her nudity, and pulled the blankets back. She secured them under her arms while she sat up.
“Can you stop teasing me? Geez,” he whined. “First, I see you today in nothing but a bra, and now you’re naked in my bed, telling me you like women. The least you can do is put on some clothes when you tell me that.”
“I don’t like women!” Freya nearly yelled in protest.
“Nope, too late. My mind already went there…and I kinda like the concept,” he said, with that arrogant grin starting to spread across his face.
“I don’t like females, Colin. Why would you say that?”
“What do you mean, why would I say that? Who else wants to go into independent living, Freya?”
Freya’s face fell as she remembered her mother’s statement about them having good reason to put people in independent living. Are people like that the only ones who end up there? she wondered.
Her emotions must have been written all over her face, and Colin could read her like a book. “What, you didn’t know? What do you think independent living is for?” he asked, shaking his head. “That confirms it though.”
“What?”
“If it’s not that, it must be me. You’re upset you were coupled with me,” he finished, with a little less humor.
“No, Colin, it’s not that…and it’s not that I like females. I just wanted to live alone, and I thought it was a real option,” she said with a shrug, not knowing how to explain herself.
Colin rolled onto his side, supporting his head on his hand. “So, you’re telling me, you are upset we were coupled because you would rather live alone, like you did when you were going to school?”
Freya could not think of anything to say, any other way to explain it, so she just nodded. When he said it like that, it did sound kind of silly, yet it was how she felt, and she could not change that.
Colin rolled back over and looked up at the ceiling. He lay there for a moment in silence before blurting, “Well, I think you’re a total weirdo, and… Well, I guess I’m sorry then.” He didn’t look at her when he said it, but his apology sounded genuine.
“Why are you sorry? You didn’t choose this anymore than I did,” Freya said, convinced that he was as much of a helpless victim as she was. She knew he deserved to be paired with a woman who wanted him, and the doctor was right about him being kind and special, in a way. Freya regretted that he was stuck with her when he could have been placed with someone who would have made him happy.
“I’m sorry. I really am.” He let out a deep breath and tried to explain. “I did have a choice. They called me in before they talked to you, Freya, and… Well, they asked if I wanted to be recoupled, with someone else, and I said no. I’m sorry for that.” He couldn’t look up at her. “I didn’t know how you really felt. I always assumed you’d warm up to me in time, like other couples do. When I saw you running on that track today, so angry and upset, I started to doubt it for the first time.” He got up from the bed and walked to the door. “Please put some clothes on and eat your meal, Freya,” he said, then left the room.
She got out of bed, her mind spinning. Why did they do this to me? They told me I could not be uncoupled, but Colin had a choice. Why didn’t I? Why does the State give more liberties to males than females? she thought, her rage quickly returning. Or maybe he’s just lying, saying things to try to make me have a change of heart or something. With those bitter thoughts on her mind, Freya grabbed some free time clothing and slipped it on, grateful that he had given her some privacy to get dressed. She looked down at the plate of food and wondered if she could possibly eat it and keep it down.
A knock came at the door. “You decent?”
“Yes. You can come in.”
Colin walked back in, carrying a second plate of food, one he had already began to eat. He once again closed the door and sat down on the bed. “Eat,” he said in a slightly commanding voice.
She pulled the plate closer to her but didn’t touch the food. “I just don’t understand why you would want to stay here. You had a choice, but they told me the coupling cannot be undone. How is that fair?”
He looked hurt, as if the revelation that she wanted out stung him. He kept his gaze low, not meeting her eyes. “They said they recognized that I was trying to make things work…and that if they separated us, it would be you who would take the fall. They blame you for this not going as expected, Freya.”
He grew silent for a moment, and Freya wasn’t sure if he was waiting for her to speak or if he was simply trying to come up with the rest of what he had to say. She opted to keep quiet.
“I didn’t want you to get in trouble for noncompliance. Besides, like I said, I figured you just needed more time. I didn’t think things were that bad between us. I didn’t know how desperately you wanted out, so much so that you’d be willing to give up your civil duty at the State House and possibly face imprisonment over it.” He turned back to his food and began eating again.
A heaviness landed on her chest. She was trapped; she could only stay with Colin or risk her freedom and possibly her life. As much as the thought of physical intimacy with Colin completely terrified her, it didn’t sound as bad as imprisonment. She knew what she had to do, but it still made her feel sick to even think about it. “Well, I guess if I have to choose between you and prison, you’re the lesser of two evils.”
“Wow, Freya. I feel so honored.”
Freya was too angry to apologize or comfort him in any way. With acid in her voice, she said, “Well, I guess you’ll get your way after all. I have to stay here with you, and the State has made their expectation of me crystal clear. Frankly, I don’t understand why you bothered to make me get dressed.” She pushed the untouched plate of food to the side and sat back against the headboard, crossing her arms.
Colin stood to get a better look at her. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Don’t tell me you don’t know,” she said in a huff, clenching her jaw even tighter. “I have been ordered to copulate with you, or else I will be removed from my civil duty. They did neglect to mention the part about prison though.” She struggled to hold back tears again. “Go ahead. I won’t stop you. I can’t. I have no choice,” she said, as the salty rivers stubbornly rolled down her cheeks.
Colin’s face fell, and he stared at the floor, obviously unaware of what had been communicated to her. “No,” he said as he sat back down on the bed. He pushed the plate of food back to her. “Please just eat something.” He curled up and rested his head on his knees. “It won’t be like that, Freya.”
She realized he was not going to stop trying to force-feed her, so she finally conceded and ate her meal in silence.
After she finished, Colin took both the plates out and returned with two glasses of water. He lay down on his side of the bed, being careful to keep plenty of distance between them. “So… What do you want to play tonight?” he asked, scrolling through his tablet.
Freya was startled by his routine request. They could not play games, because the State would be watching and listening for other activity. For all she knew, even their tablets were being monitored.
“Not in the mood for games, huh?”
“We can’t, Colin. They’re probably watching our tablets, and if they see we’re on them instead of…” she said, unable to finish her sentence. “I don’t want to lose my position, and if we have to do it, I’d really just like to get it over with.”
“No, Freya.” Colin refused to take his eyes off his tablet.
“What do you mean, no? I could be arrested tomorrow or at least removed from duty. Just do it already.” Her heart rate began to elevate. Not only was she being forced to do something she didn’t want to do, on a strict timeline, but now Colin was being difficult about it. For a moment, she wondered if he wanted her to get arrested, as that would be one simple way for him to be rid of her.
Colin turned off his tablet and put it away, then turned to look at her. “You were told that you
have to comply, but I was not. The way I see it, if we are questioned about it, you can honestly say you ever so kindly and compliantly offered, but I refused. If it will make you more comfortable, I’ll be happy to go in the other room, to make sure they have their video evidence.” He got up and opened the door, then gestured for her to step out with him.
Freya remained on the bed, her jaw dropped, wondering why he was so willing to do it.
“I told you already, Freya, I’m not in the mood tonight. Geez! Stop throwing yourself at me. It’s embarrassing,” he said, loudly enough for surveillance to pick up.
Freya shook her head. “Why would you do this?” she whispered. “Why, Colin?”
Colin closed the door but stayed near it. “I already told you why. I think you’ll come around to my adorableness in time, and you’ll start to like me, especially now that I know you don’t like women,” he said, giving her a smirk. He laughed a little at his own joke, then sat back down on the bed. “I don’t want to just take you because it’s my right to do so. I want you to want me—or at least to not burst into tears at the thought of it.” After a slight pause, he continued, “I can’t believe a psychologist would try to force you into it, that they would threaten you like that. She knows full well you’re not ready.”
The State Series Box Set Page 13
