The State Series Box Set

by M. J. Kaestli

  He guided her to the bed and lay down beside her, softly stroking her face. “Did you learn anything?”

  It was a good thing she was already crying; it made it easier for her to hide her true thoughts. The fact he asked her so quickly made her wonder whether the State really did cause Rowen’s heart attack to help her get closer to Ursa.

  “Ursa’s partner had a heart attack. She is devastated.” Freya knew full well that what she had said was not what he was really asking, but didn’t feel ready to tell him anymore, not until she strategized a plan.

  “Yes, I heard. It’s sad that he died so young.” He continued to stroke her face. “What did you guys talk about?”

  “Mostly Rowen, and a lot about Colin too. I think losing her partner brought up a lot of pain for her about Colin also. She has no one now,” she replied.

  “So she still hasn’t said anything about the rebellion to you?”

  His touch and his voice were so gentle, yet his intentions were terribly clear. He was trying to act sympathetic, and that he cared for her, yet his mind was only on the mission. And Victor said Colin was manipulative.

  “No. Do we really know for sure that she is even a part of it? What evidence do they have? I think she should have said something by now, don’t you? Am I doing something wrong?” It was the first time that Freya had directly lied to Lewis. This wasn’t holding back information anymore. She was entering a completely different level of betrayal here, and then the wisdom of Ursa’s words struck her. There would come a time when she would feel as though it was worth the risks. It had only been hours ago that she didn’t believe her statement, yet it was playing out before her eyes. She would do anything to protect Ursa, even if it meant committing treason herself. She was still not convinced the rebellion had the right idea, but was well aware that she was in a way supporting their cause.

  “No, I don’t think you are doing anything wrong. I am sorry. I should be more patient. I know better than most—these things take time,” Lewis replied.

  It had obviously worked. Freya’s intent at asking whether she was the problem was the only way she could think of to cast a web for Lewis. If she could convince him she was disappointed in her own performance, it might buy her more time. She still didn’t know how to transfer the information of the rebellion lying dormant into the State’s hands without implicating Ursa, but there had to be a way.

  Of course that was not the real plan—and Freya didn’t approve of the rebellions plan—yet colonization was a long way off. Perhaps she could work to convince these rebels such actions weren’t needed. They had over twenty years; maybe they could see the situation differently by then. If Ursa was able to introduce her to the right people, she could convince them that using force wasn’t necessary.

  She lay next to Lewis, he continued to stroke her back gently, and she nestled up next to him. Her mind raced, looking for the right thing to say, yet she kept drawing a blank. She closed her eyes, hoping if she looked tired he would not question her silence. After some time had passed, he leaned in and kissed her, and then said they should get ready for bed. It was the best thing she could do, to give herself more time to think, and so she got up, changed and slipped back into bed. When Lewis came out of the bathroom, she lay there with her eyes closed, curled up on her side. He didn’t try to talk to her again; he just let her be. In spite of all the thoughts swimming in her mind, she did manage to fall asleep.

  ***

  The greenhouse had a very different mood when she went back the following morning. Everyone stopped to console her and ask about Ursa. Ursa had been given the week off civil duty for bereavement, and Freya went to her apartment right after she finished at the greenhouse.

  Ursa looked worse than she did the day before. She obviously had not showered, and Freya wondered whether she was eating or drinking. Ursa looked happy to see Freya come in, but didn’t seem to have the energy to get out of bed to greet her.

  Freya was painfully reminded of when she lost Colin. Was this what I looked like to Chastity? Lying in my own filth, surrounded by a pile of used handkerchiefs, with a swollen face, and dead, dull eyes?

  She crawled into bed next to her and wrapped her arms around Ursa. Neither spoke. Freya knew all too well what she was feeling, but Ursa was not given the luxuries that Freya had been given.

  She could see it now, just how well she had been treated when Colin was taken from her. There was no medication given to Ursa to help her sleep, to help dull the pain. There was no nurse sent to assess her, no one to sit by her all day and night the way Chastity had stayed with her. Freya was the one and only thing that the State had provided to Ursa for her bereavement, and it was only for a few hours in a day.

  The injustice of it all started to come over her. Freya had only been with Colin for just under a year, where Ursa had Colin for most of his life, and her partner even longer. She had lost both of them now, and this was all she got? It just wasn’t fair. The State said that everyone was equal, but clearly that wasn’t true.

  Did I get special treatment because I worked at the State house? Or was it because I am a member of the Council? Did Victor feel some sense of guilt or shame at putting me in that situation? No, it couldn’t have been; he was building the perfect spy—he had his own motives that had nothing to do with her feelings. That was the difference. Ursa was just a common worker, and a member of the rebellion. Freya was a Councilmember, and although she didn’t know it at the time, quite valuable to the State.

  She had been so grief stricken, she never really thought about how limited the medication supplies were, that they should not be given out in a time of grief. Yes, there was the pills she had taken, those sounded common enough, yet the juice boxes she had—that was where it had gone so far above and beyond in proper rations. She looked around the room, trying to assess the situation. Was there any pills lying around? Had they given her anything to help with the grief?

  Ursa seemed to sense the change in Freya—perhaps it was her movement—and she looked at her. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. I was just looking…uh, have they given you anything?” Freya asked awkwardly.

  “Given me what?”

  “Like medication or something, you know, to help you right now,” Freya answered.

  Ursa gave a bitter laugh. “Of course not. Why would they waste medication on a grieving widow?” Ursa said, “Why do you think they would do that at my age?”

  Freya’s face flushed. She felt humiliated. It was not just that she had been given special treatment; it was partly that she needed it. She had fallen to pieces when others were strong, and this realization brought a feeling of shame over her.

  “What did they give you when Colin left?” The way she could read Freya so well was both comforting and terrifying at the same time.

  “A lot, actually,” she said, not able to meet Ursa’s gaze.

  “Well, that doesn’t surprise me. You are young, and an elite member of society, after all. They would make special exceptions for you,” Ursa replied.

  Freya then remembered Chastity telling her she also took medication when her partner was killed, so it wasn’t just her, but this action was most likely limited to a select few. Chastity was also a member of the Council, and part of the State house.

  “They didn’t do anything when Colin left either?” Freya asked.

  Ursa gave another bitter laugh. “They didn’t even give me time off my civil duty then. Cady had to send me home several times, but I was always expected to be there. All they gave me was that bloody letter, the one they claimed he wrote me, but I know he didn’t.”

  “They gave you a letter from Colin? I never got one.”

  “Yes,” Ursa said. “How convenient he didn’t send you one. Guess that would have gone against their plot to convince you he had left you. He didn’t write the letter, Freya. I know my son, and it wasn’t him. It spouted off some crap about opportunities, and hope for a better life for everyone. They probably wrote one
mass letter and sent it to all families with someone on the spacecraft. Colin would have said something about our fight; even if he had to write it in code, he would have said something more personal.”

  “How can you be sure?”

  “Freya, Colin wouldn’t break off ties with us because of you, and then turn around and leave. He wouldn’t—I know it. I know we said we were going to agree to disagree, but I know my son. He broke off ties to us to disassociate himself from the rebellion so the two of you could build a life together. If he had plans lined up to leave, he would have never stopped talking to us. There would be no purpose. He would have simply left things the way they were, and then sent me a letter telling me in code that he would fight when he got to the other side. He would have mentioned having a new partner, but he didn’t write that letter, just like he didn’t choose to go.”

  Freya’s eyes welled up with tears. So much of her had been at battle with this concept since Colin left. The very core of her being ached even considering it. Moving on with her life when Colin left was the hardest thing she had ever done. It had taken everything in her to believe the facts, believe the evidence before her. Ursa could be her undoing, as if she stood on the side of a cliff and Ursa was a strong breeze that could push her over.

  She needed to believe that Colin had never loved her; she realized that now. If Colin had never loved her, then what she was doing had a purpose. But if Colin was taken from her, then she didn’t really know who she was, or what she was fighting for. If the State had simply taken him and fabricated everything else, what did that make her?

  Who am I but a pawn in their game? How could I have ever taken Lewis into my bed, and lived with him, trying to expose the people who fought against injustice? She had come here believing what she was doing was for the good of mankind, but was it? Was there really even a threat? Freya had never once heard Ursa say the rebellion was trying to take down the dome. Was that even true? Or was it a lie the State had created to spread fear? If they really had taken Colin from me, why would they do that? What was their motive? Was it simply mathematical? Was Colin someone they needed on the other side and I wasn’t? Or did they do it specifically to me? Did they do it to build the perfect spy?

  “I don’t know what to think anymore,” Freya answered.

  “I do,” said Ursa firmly. “They took him—he didn’t want to go. Just like they killed my partner. It is all just a game to them; they know how to manipulate us to get what they want. We are nothing more than chess pieces. They took Colin so you could rise up in the Council. He was a distraction to you, something to keep you from focusing on your task at hand. Then they killed my partner, just because they thought it would make me confide in you. It is so simple, really. Our suffering is nothing to them, as long as it gets results. It doesn’t matter who they kill, or send away. They will never be able to crush the very thing that makes us human. We are not meant to live this way, and so there will always be those who fight, and they cannot ever stop that.”

  “But how can we live differently? We need the population control, and everyone has to work or there would be no food or water or air to breathe,” Freya exclaimed.

  “It doesn’t have to be like this. People could choose their own partners, their own civil duty. They could act for the common good without being forced. Yes, we all need to eat and breathe, but this could be done with people having choices.”

  “Could it really?” asked Freya. “People had choices before and look what happened to us! There were people starving while others lived in extreme excess. The environment was being destroyed even before the nuclear war, just to keep up the economy so people could continue to live in excess. You say human nature is to choose—well, too many people don’t choose for the common good. People are greedy. We can’t live responsibly on our own—it is not in our nature.”

  Her rant had left her short of breath. Never before had she had a conversation of this nature, this heated. She didn’t even know until now how strong her own beliefs were, but there it was. As much as she didn’t agree with some of the tactics the State took, she didn’t believe mankind could live without them.

  “I know that humanity has done some terrible things in the past, and that they are always going to be capable of doing the same things again,” said Ursa. “I still believe that we are capable of learning from the past and choosing something better with the knowledge we take with us. Yes, it was necessary for the State to take over when they did, and perhaps their tactics were necessary back then. But now—now it is time for change. Now we can all grow together, and shed living under this dictatorship. When the colony planet opens up, I guarantee you that the State will not loosen their power. I know it. They will keep things exactly how they are now; we will just have more space. Sure, more people will be able to have children, but they still won’t choose how many, or the partner who they could have them with. The State is intoxicated with their own power, their complete control over anyone or anything. Giving it up is not in their plans.”

  “But you don’t know that. No one knows what it will be like when that colony world opens up. There is no other way to live than how we do right now. But in the future, when we have that entire new world, there will be new possibilities. I think we need to have a little faith in the State. We need to see what kind of plans they have in store for us before we take drastic measures and innocent lives are lost.”

  “Freya, if we don’t act when we can, then we lose our opportunity. I am not willing to take that kind of a gamble to wait and see if the State suddenly develops a sense of decency,” Ursa said. “They took Colin from you—they took my partner too. They have no soul. They are just hungry for power, a power they will not let go of. We have a lot of time before the colony world is open to us. I am sure that long before that time comes, you will see the truth.”

  “What if I already see the truth?” Freya asked.

  “You are young, my dear. By the time you get to my age, you will see. There is only so much that they can take from you before you wake up. There is only so much evil they can display before you stop believing in them. You say that humankind isn’t capable of living for the common good? Well, that State is still human. There has never been a dictator in history who has been able to lead without becoming corrupted by power. You will someday see that it is not about the common good, just control.”

  “I think we need to agree to disagree again,” Freya said.

  “For now, yes,” Ursa replied. “There was no good reason to take Colin and leave you here. Someday when you are strong enough, you will ask why, and you will find your answer and see my side.”

  “You say that, but what if there was a good reason? We still don’t know for sure that he didn’t ask to go. But even if he didn’t, what if they felt like they needed him more over there than here?”

  “You say that like there isn’t plenty of other Security officers, Freya,” said Ursa. “And I am sure they could have used you as a gardener over there. You are one of the very few people who have gotten to work in a green space that is the closest thing to nature we have. Are you telling me that someone who worked in a regular greenhouse was more qualified to go?”

  This statement hit Freya hard. She had never thought for a moment about the type of work she did at the State house compared to other greenhouse workers. It was true; she had experience in what was the closest thing they had to a natural environment, and they didn’t send her.

  “You see it now,” Ursa said. “If Colin didn’t want to leave you, which I know with all of my heart that he didn’t, then there was no good reason whatsoever to separate the two of you. When he first left, I thought he was chosen because of you. I thought you were deemed a necessity to the project and so they sent him along for the ride. You should have been on that ship, Freya, more so than Colin. They wanted to keep you here, but they wanted to break you first. They took Colin from you, made you hate him, so they could play on your broken heart. In their minds, what could be more
appealing to you than to go and exact your revenge on his family? They underestimated you, Freya—they underestimated that no matter what they said he did, you couldn’t stop loving Colin. They didn’t make you hate Colin; you just started to hate yourself instead. You can’t be a spy if you don’t truly believe in the cause. They thought you would be filled with rage, and turn into their perfect weapon against us.”

  “They said you were trying to destroy the dome, trying to kill us all.”

  “Of course they did. They will tell you anything to control you,” Ursa said. “I have been involved in the rebellion for most of my life, Freya. I can’t speak for everyone. I am sure there could be some out there with different plans than ours. But I can tell you this: we have never once had the intention to destroy the dome. In the past, we had been trying to understand how the head of State is chosen, so we can infiltrate it. We want there to be a better leader. Yes, we have killed a head of State before, but we were not able to get the right person in the right place to give us the upper hand. The Council is so well protected, we don’t truly know who holds the power. We have found that killing the head of State does nothing; they simply replace them with a clone of the one they had before. We have lost too many good people trying. The rebellion hasn’t even given the State a real threat since the last head of State took power, yet they fabricate our actions to create fear in people like you.”