Christina

by Leanne Davis

“Does Mom? Does Mom ever wonder about her?”

  Dad lets me go and steps back to lean against his workbench. He rubs his neck. “No. I don’t think she does. But it’s not as cold as that sounds. I don’t think she can stand to wonder, or remember, or acknowledge what she gave up. But you have to understand, she was not well then. When she had—”

  “Natalie.”

  Dad nods. “Natalie, she was suffering from PTSD. She was all broken inside. Those letters you found and didn’t read? They detail it all pretty graphically. My perspective on what happened isn’t the same as yours. Okay? Your mom and I share a different view. My mission is to ease the effect it still has on your mom, now and always. Perhaps yours was to meet your other sister. That pregnancy was terrible for us, although it meant nothing to you. Do you see the difference?”

  “Yes, I see. Natalie seemed really cool. Even sophisticated. I mean she’s older, and she seemed extremely confident. She is—”

  “Do you think she is okay then?”

  I briefly consider her overall demeanor in my mind and nod. “I do. I think whatever and whoever raised her, she is okay. Normal. Or as normal as anyone really can be.”

  “I hope so. I always hoped that.”

  Silence falls between us. Gnats and dust float around the barn, caught in the sunset. “So, I guess there’s something between you and Max?”

  “Do you want to know, Dad?”

  He kind of shivers like I’m grossing him out. “No, but is there something to know?”

  “He’s my boyfriend.”

  “How?”

  “We’re in love with each other.”

  He closes his eyes. “Like grown-up kind of love?”

  “Well, it’s not the crush kind.”

  “But what about his, ah, you know, his touching thing. I mean… how…?”

  I see him flustering for the right words as his inability to comprehend sex and me in one thought practically overwhelms him. It makes me smile and almost take pity on him. “Adult to adult?”

  He takes in a breath. “I… okay, I guess. Adult to adult.”

  “Remember how you accepted Mom? For how she was and has to be? That’s how I accept Max. You don’t want to know the particulars, just as I don’t need to hear about yours.”

  “Oh.”

  “He deserves to be loved even if it’s hard and unnatural for him. Like Mom, right?”

  “I just wish that things were easier for you. Are you sure you feel ready to handle it?”

  “Anyone would have been easier for you than Mom. Do you want me to insult you by asking if you ever regret not finding someone ‘easier’ instead of Mom?”

  He pretends to take a hat off his head and tips it at me. “Point well made. And point taken. I just want you to have everything you desire in life.”

  “No one gets everything they desire in life.”

  He sighs. “Is this the grown-up you?”

  I wait, my eyebrows raised for what he’ll say.

  “She’s pretty intelligent. She’s pretty great, in fact. I love you. All the shit I give you is just because I love you so damn much.”

  I step nearer him and he easily scoops me up against him in a giant bear hug. The way Max has never done and might not ever do. Yet, that doesn’t upset me anymore. I can love Max any way he needs to be loved. Love is different for all people.

  “Can I go scare the living piss out of your boyfriend now?” he mumbles into my hair.

  I laugh and push against him. “No, you can come in and be nice to your nephew.”

  “My daughter’s boyfriend? I get to scare and threaten and…”

  I punch him in the side before he stops and grins. He puts his arm out to me and I take it before we head back into the house together.

  Max is sitting at the counter; Mom is cooking. He glances up, his gaze darting from me to Dad to the living room. Melissa and Emily jump up when they realize I’m there. They have no idea where I went. They were told I just took a quick vacation before school started. The drama of whom I went to see isn’t something they need to know. It would complicate their lives. Yet, I’m glad I know. I understand fully now what kind of people my parents are; and it’s made our relationship deeper and more real. I know they trust me with the truth now too. It’s painful, but it’s something they can’t undo for me. They have to let me accept it in my own way, and on my own terms.

  I wish something more happened with Natalie. I envisioned… a kind of instant connection with her. But there wasn’t any. There is, however, my wonderful family and they are all here. Max comes closer to me and glances at my dad.

  “So you’re the one, huh?” Dad says, glowering at Max.

  Max nods. “Seems so.”

  “I don’t like knowing about the one. I can’t just dislike you either, because you’re my freaking nephew! It’s a little confusing.”

  “No, it’s quite confusing. But just so we’re clear: Christina and I were never cousins.”

  Dad nods. “I see that now.” His tone is glum and sounds kind of annoyed. I laugh and let go of my dad with a kiss on his cheek.

  “I’m going to take your hand now,” I whisper to Max. As I wait for his response, I lead him into the living room.

  One last night here. Tomorrow, we’ll move me into my dorm. It won’t be the perfect start by any means. I’ll be two days late for classes, but all in all, it’s not a total disaster. Real life, as it turns out, isn’t perfect or planned, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

  Sitting down with Max, his hand in mine, we exchange a look, a smile, and an entire conversation. A heavy weight lifts from my chest. Family is kinda great, even if sometimes, it’s a pain in the ass. Family is the antidote to all the scariness and pain and unknowns that lurk in the world.

  And when you get to pick your own family? That makes it pretty fucking incredible. Just ask Max.

  Epilogue

  ~Max~

  LIFE IS NOT EXACTLY how I planned it. I stand up when I hear my name being called. I find myself again clad in a four-pointer hat and gown, this time in black. I extend one foot onto the stage that is purposely set up in the campus gym.

  “Maximillian Richard Salazar, BS Physical Education and School Health Major.” The announcer’s voice echoes through the crowded gymnasium. Surprised? Yes, my name is longer than just Max; and yes, I actually earned a college diploma. I have a Bachelor of Science degree from Central Washington University. Now I legally have the credentials to teach physical education for grades kindergarten through twelfth. I chose it because of its physical focus. It’s interactive, too. Without ever touching anyone, I can work out and demonstrate the correct way to perform the exercises. I like to show others. I continue working out at several gyms in the area, while carefully avoiding the Long Valley Athletic Center. I also pursue more classes in self-defense and the martial arts. When forced to pick a major, it seemed like a good fit for me. I was kind of shocked actually. I never dreamed that in college I could pursue the stuff I enjoy doing and learning about. Five years ago, never would I have chosen that field but things change, including your perspectives. I possess the necessary requirements for any public and even private school as a PE or health and hygiene teacher. It’s kind of… surreal for me. I’m employable. Unlike my father, I can honestly claim, I am not a criminal. Or a fighter. Or a gambler. Or really, anything at all that might be considered shocking.

  If I were a nobler person, I might have pursued a case against Bruce or Simon. Or possibly tried to have their illegal fighting events shut down permanently. But I ended it by simply never again going to that gym. No one came looking for me either. I guess, in my heart, I decided if people want to fight that way, and others are willing to watch and gamble on the fights, they all have the right to do it. It seems like a pretty victimless sport to me, as long as the fighters choose to be there. The difference for me is: I choose not to be there. Christina still disagrees with me, and thinks the whole place should be shut down. I don’t care what happens
to Bruce or Simon, but I still think of Tanya sometimes. She was a good person, and the first one who accepted me in a way that even Christina couldn’t. She first turned me on to working out and made me like the gym. She introduced me to what my life’s interest would eventually become. I try never to mention or admit my fondness for Tanya to Christina, however.

  Taking another step and then another, I politely receive the diploma from a woman who is wearing a blue and black gown, and a black four-pointer hat. She’s the president of the university, I think. She smiles as she hands me the dark blue document. It’s empty, of course. It’s just the cover, which states the university name and logo. My personal degree will be mailed in a few weeks. But nothing detracts from the excitement and disbelief in this moment for me. I am graduating college! Unlike my high school graduation, this one means everything to me. I glance around and feel almost dizzy. There is a little, tiny section up in the bleachers where some people are screaming and cheering. For me. It’s my family, of course. I know that. I turn and grin towards them, doing a fist bump in the air. Other grads politely clap with the audience as the next name is called, and the ceremony continues. I remember to keep walking straight to the other end of the stage as I make my way back to my seat in front of the stage. After I sit down, I can only stare at the case that will soon hold my real diploma.

  I am a college graduate.

  I never really pictured this moment actually happening. It feels so much bigger than me. It feels more momentous than I can even comprehend. That wasn’t supposed to happen to me. But it did. I twist around and scan the audience. I need physical contact. I need to be grounded to truly know this is real. My breath stops when I spot her.

  Christina is sitting next to Derek and her mom. She is watching the stage. She doesn’t sense my eyes on her yet. She claps for the next grad. I keep staring at her. Finally, her head scans the area and she finds me. Her mouth lifts in a small, soft smile. She waves her hand and I wave back. “Proud of you,” she mouths. I think she says that, at least. I smile back.

  They are all there. My parents. My brother. My sister-in-law. My girlfriend. My aunt and uncle. My other cousins. They are all sitting there as my people. My support. The people who made this possible for me. My parents paid for it. Christina well, hell, she made me human and taught me how to participate with others. She made me learn to grow up, and motivated me to want more from life. To please her, I strove to be my best. Maybe I finally figured that out.

  The ceremony ends after a few more words and inspirational passages. Music plays. We all throw our hats up, and finally, I escape. The floor of the gym is suddenly flooded with a sea of families and friends. Bodies crush me, as I push at them and they at me.

  I don’t freak out however. I simply step carefully aside, crawling my way through the human obstacles until I spot Christina’s beautiful head below the average heads of the crowd. She sees me and a huge smile brightens her face. She rushes up to me and I stop. Bracing myself, I let her throw her arms around my neck while her entire body presses against my torso. We kind of rock on my feet, from the unexpected velocity with which she hits me. She finally leans back and lets me drop my lips on hers in a small kiss. She smiles like I’ve plugged her in and lit her up when she says, “Congratulations, Max.”

  I feel a blush heating my cheeks. It’s just so much. Overwhelming. The thick crowds of people. The noise, chaos, and voices of so many well-wishers. The bodies closing in around us. I shut my eyes and tighten my hands around Christina’s waist. She is here. I concentrate on her body heat being next to mine. On her calming presence.

  I ignore the feeling of something heavy as an elephant trying to sit on my chest. I breathe in deeply and open my eyes to stare into the serenity of hers. “I’m glad you’re here.”

  “Me too. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be today.”

  We celebrated her college graduation two years ago when she got a bachelor’s degree from Eastern Washington University. Her major, as planned, was Communication Disorders. She is only two more quarters away before she completes her master’s program in the same major.

  She is a perfect fit for it. My speech therapist kind of transformed my life. I mean, really, she is the only reason I learned to talk well enough to consider staying in school. If I hadn’t fixed my unintelligible speech, I would have gone nowhere. I could not have let myself go anywhere. So yeah, it was pretty huge and important. And Christina is that smart and compassionate that I know she will make a real difference for some other Max Salazar. I realize now, we all have a God-given right to speak. Even little babies learn how to talk. When you can’t communicate with others, it totally changes your life. You don’t know what you’re supposed to be, or how you’re supposed to act with others.

  To date, our relationship has not been easy. We’ve spent years apart, and years commuting between our respective schools and through deluges of homework. But nothing good is easy to attain, or at least, that seems to be the main lesson of my life.

  In two more quarters, after she graduates, we’re taking a whole year off. Both of us, before we start our chosen careers. We’re going to travel. Our parents nearly hit the ceiling when we came up with this plan a year ago. How could we pay for it? What about working? Why? Mainly, they wanted to know why were we doing this?

  Our reason for doing it is because Christina never wanted an ordinary life. She wanted much more. Experience will provide her with more. Before we settle down and figure out how to handle all the adult stuff, we’re going to satisfy our curiosity. We’re going to travel down to see my brother and his wife for a while, then just… discover things. Including different states. Christina has a huge list of historical sites she wants to see. We’re only in our early twenties and in no hurry to settle down. We’re committed to each other, although we plan to eventually settle down near our parents. But for now? We want to live. Learn. Experience. Be crazy. Be spontaneous. We both have the college degrees and secure job plans.

  But for today? We want to simply appreciate being young and in love and getting the chance to do that.

  Most relationships are their best at the start. The blushing, awkward first stage where your hands are all over each other all the time. Especially when you’re only nineteen and you are together. But for us? It’s only gets better. We spent a lot of time consulting my therapist and figuring out ways to touch each other. Who else has to learn how to hold his girlfriend? No one but me. I have to. It was humiliating, frustrating, and just freaking weird. Why Christina was so accepting of it, I still can’t fathom. But she always blew it off as no big deal, just another thing that we had to tend to. She treated it like any other class and her clinical attitude helped me face it with her.

  There just isn’t one easy cure or therapy for my problem. It’s ambiguous and unusual. She spent a long time warning me before she held my hand or kissed my cheek. I still have definite parameters. I still have issues too, but compared to that summer when we graduated high school? We’ve come easily as far as a couple as I became as a model student. Pretty freaking far.

  Her mom gives her a lot of support too. The issues her parents faced were very different from ours, but she finds strength in them. If her own parents could overcome their issues, she is willing to do whatever work it takes to overcome ours. Her dad’s acceptance of her mom, strangely turned out to be her reason for accepting me. I wasted a lot of time and energy wishing I were different, or better, and feeling guilty for making her work so hard just to be with me. Once I let those feelings go, however, and concentrated on accepting myself as I was, and letting Christina accept me too, things actually started to improve greatly.

  The power of her unconditional acceptance encourages me to accept myself. I didn’t get this way by accident. Terrible things were done to me as a kid. I still have scars from those days; but I also have someone who loves me despite all those scars. I am still healing, but I feel a whole lot better.

  Now? We hug. Each morning we wake up toget
her, I know she’ll kiss me goodbye; and each evening, she kisses me goodnight. She still respects the limited but more elaborate boundaries I have to insist upon. They’re ridiculous, I know, and we’ve gotten to a place where we accept them as… ridiculous. We get to be together. I receive her love and she receives mine, warts and all.

  We heard from Natalie about a year after we visited her. To this day, it wasn’t the sister Christina found that eventually made me so grateful for her unannounced trip to San Francisco. No, it wasn’t that at all. Had she not chosen to seek Natalie out, I might not have ever come looking for her. I might not have had a family. Parents. Cousins. An aunt and an uncle. Worst of all, I might not have Christina.

  I kiss her forehead before letting her go. I see Lindsey making a beeline for me. She has tears in her eyes and Noah is following close behind so I prepare for more hugs and tears. I squeeze Christina’s arm, letting her know I have to let her go. She lifts her eyes to mine and we exchange a smile that conveys everything we feel. That’s how we’ve always spoken to each other. Thank you. I need you. I’m so glad you’re here. I’m proud of you. And mostly, I love you.

  With one smile, we exchange all that. I think it’s pretty fucking epic! Some couples can spend an hour cuddling and talking without having half the connection, honesty, love or emotions we exchange. Yep, I finally learned to recognize that one look between us. As Christina says, that one look is worth a thousand words, and gestures, for other people.

  But right now? I owe my family some time. I need to smile more often and let them hug me. It’s not what I need, but what they need. I can give them that now, finally. I can be for them, what they need: a son, a brother, a nephew and a cousin.

  Still, I reserve the best of me for being Christina’s boyfriend.

  And, really, isn’t Christina always right? She grins at me when I start hugging Lindsey and Will slaps my back. Derek is beaming at me with his arm slung around his wife, Olivia. Yeah, something big and good shifts in my heart. Love. Family. Together. Future. Hope. Derek and I never had that growing up. We finally do. And honestly? We freaking deserve it! We share a look then, and tears actually fill my eyes. Derek nods. He gets it. The unbelievable concept that a Salazar just graduated from college. We are both still here. We are alive and well and thriving; and most of all, we are loved. We are not fighting, or dealing drugs, or doing time in jail, or hurting anyone. We’re loved and cared for by many; and we are both so much better than we ever were told we could be.