Necrophiliac's Honeymoon

by Paul Neuhaus

  “Pan!” I said. I couldn’t resist. I sprang forward and hugged him to me just as he reached the bottom cloud. “Am I dead?” I said. “If I was dead, wouldn’t I just go to the Underworld?”

  Pan raised one eyebrow. “If you were dead, you would just go to the Underworld. But then you’d turn right back around and walk out again. Rumor has it the Underworld is broken.”

  I made a tsking noise “Technically that’s not my fault. I had no idea I was a walking mustard gas grenade.”

  The satyr smiled. “I know that,” he said. “Also, if it’s any consolation, everyone in a position to dole out punishment knows it too.”

  I stepped back from him to take a look. He was pretty much as I remembered him, down to the “Don’t Blame Me, I Voted for Bush” t-shirt. And the complete lack of pants. “Why am I here? Where is here?”

  The satyr looked at the puffiness all around us. Were it not for the Greek countryside far below us, I could’ve easily been convinced we were on a Hollywood soundstage. “Think of it as a way station. A layover on the road to fucking off. Zeus sent me down to talk to you. He’s concerned. He wanted you to see a friendly face.”

  Huh. That didn’t sound like the Zeus I knew. The allfather is a lot of things, but paternal isn’t one of them. “That’s nice, I guess. On the other hand, does it mean he thinks he’s too good to talk to me himself?”

  My friend grinned. “He doesn’t think it, he knows it. He’s motherfucking Zeus.”

  “Okay, Okay. I’m just saying maybe he’s a little embarrassed by the whole curse thing.”

  Pan sighed and folded his arms in front of his chest. “Yeah. Right. I only just met the guy, but I can tell you he’s got a face like a stone wall. If he’s embarrassed about anything—which I don’t think he is—good luck getting it out of him. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have good news for you...”

  “I could use a little good news.”

  “The pithos is broken, and the Evils are back out in the world. Your curse is undone. You’d think he’d be super pissed about that, but it turns out Zeus has been talking to Hermes. For a while now. He understands you two maintain a relationship.”

  “We’re not fucking if that’s what he means.”

  “That’s not what he means. He said Hermes was kindly predisposed toward you. He put in a good word. Several, in fact.”

  I couldn’t help but smile. “Herpes is a good kid.”

  “Zeus said to say this...” Pan placed a hand on his chest, stood up straighter and adopted the most godlike tone he could. “‘I don’t have a habit of reversing my decisions or undoing my past deeds. My reputation as a hard ass is just as much a part of my persona as the lightning. Provided we keep it on the down-low, you may, if you choose, fuck off.’”

  I gasped. This conversation and this offer were so far off my radar, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Here I was being offered the very thing I thought that I wanted. The lobes of my brain went into immediate overload—not to mention conflict. What did I want? What did I really want? My life had changed so much in the last forty-eight hours. Mostly, for the worse, but not entirely. “Wow,” was all I could say.

  Pan giggled and tickled my ribs. I retreated from him, not steady enough in my take on this new input to engage in a full-on tickle fight. “Uh? Uh?” the satyr said. “You’re off the hook, kid! You’re free!?”

  I took two steps away from him, overwhelmed. Was this what I wanted? Should this be the road I took with everything that was going on back in the real world? If the offer had come two days before, I would have leapt at it, but now... I just didn’t know. I was still feeling the same existential angst, but it was diluted now with responsibility and, weirdly, engagement. The engagement was the part that surprised me the most. I wanted to see how everything was going to turn out with Medea and Orpheus and Connie and Amanda. Almost as though I was a spectator watching my own life unspool. Plus, there was Hope. Yeah, she’d driven me crazy for thousands and thousands of years and she was... She was what? Was she dead? Was she lost somewhere? Was she frightened? To leave that question unresolved felt like a shitty thing to do. Also, as much as I hated to admit it, I felt lingering responsibility for the Evils. I’d let them out in the first place and now they were free again. Then and now—even though I’d been tricked—I felt obligated to tie a bow on that particular package.

  Suicide is much more complicated when you stop and think about how it will affect other people. The fact I could do that meant that maybe I wasn’t the suicide type. I took a step back toward Pan. And a deep breath.

  The truth is, I’d made up my mind as soon as I heard the proposition. It wasn’t a decision I was happy with, but nothing about it felt wrong. It was still hard to say out loud. “The dead are out of the Underworld, the Evils have escaped, and my pithos is shattered. Hope... and my other friends are in trouble. I guess what I’m saying is I need to go back and set things right.”

  Pan’s eyes widened, and his jaw dropped. “Huh,” he said. We both stood in silence for a moment. “I gotta say,” he went on. “I’m knocked for a loop. I thought you’d be ecstatic. What you’re saying... What you’re doing... It’s not very Greek. Our stories are raucous. There’s a lot of debauchery and fun. A lot of heroism for heroism’s sake. There’s also a lot of narcissism (which there oughta be, I guess, since Narcissus was one of ours), but not a lot of self-sacrifice. Not a lot of altruism.”

  I shrugged. “Believe me, I wish I was making a more selfish decision, but I guess I’m not.”

  Pan nodded. There was a twinkle in his eye, and I could tell he understood. “Be that way then. Go back. Set things right.” He bumped me with his shoulder and we shared a smile. Then he turned and started to go back up his poofy staircase.

  I smiled, but then I realized I needed to make something clear. I called out. “Hey!”

  My friend stopped and turned toward me, the ghost of a grin at the corners of his mouth. “Yeah?”

  “Tell Zeus this is all me.”

  He cocked his head. “All you? What do you mean?”

  “I mean this is my decision. I did this. I wasn’t tricked or entrapped. I did this because I felt responsible or I felt obligated or I felt generous. I’m not sure which. Either way, it has nothing to do with him hoodwinking a stupid girl.”

  Pan threw back his head and laughed. “I’ll tell him. It’ll be my pleasure,” he said. Then he turned and bounded back up.

  “Hey!” I said one more time.

  The satyr stopped one more time. “Yes?”

  “You’re good people, Pan.”

  He mimed tipping an invisible hat and went on his way.

  I woke up and, for a minute, I didn’t know where I was. Then, to my right, I saw the curtain separating me from the other person sharing my hospital room. I could hear their television though it was set low. Anthony Bourdain (may he rest in peace). Parts Unknown. Good show. I was lying on my side, so I got onto my back and sat up. There was no one else there with me in my partition. I didn’t know what time it was, but it felt really late. What did I want to do? Did I want to watch TV? Was I hungry? How was I feeling? I noticed for the first time, I was wearing a sling on my injured arm.

  I was feeling pretty good all things considered. My shoulder hurt a little, but I couldn’t complain much otherwise. I wasn’t hungry, so I decided to go back to sleep. As I settled in, on my left side this time, I noticed something: A new pithos sitting on my nightstand next to the plastic water pitcher. I reached out and touched it and it felt the same as the old one. I knew where it came from; it was a gift from Zeus. As quietly as I could, I said, “Hope?” but I got no answer.

  She wasn’t in there.

  I woke up again about four hours later and, this time, I wasn’t alone. I blinked a few times, rubbed the little booger things out of my eyes and there was Amanda Venables sitting in the uncomfortable-looking chair next to my nightstand. “Good morning,” she said. She was dressed more casually than when I’d last seen
her. Jeans, sneakers and a maroon crew neck sweater. Her legs were crossed, and she was holding a paper cup. “Did anyone talk to you?”

  “I talked to Pan.”

  She scrunched her face. “Do they have you drugged up? I mean did any doctors talk to you? Or nurses.”

  I sat up. For just a second, Amanda half-stood to help me, but she sat back down when she saw I didn’t need it. “No, no doctors. At least I don’t think so.”

  “They got the slug out of your shoulder. Looks like there won’t be any long-term damage. Although maybe you’ll be able to tell when it’s gonna rain. Here, I brought you a present.”

  She handed me a plastic Target bag and I opened it. Inside were a pair of jeans, a set of underthings, a pair of Converse tennis shoes, and a Gremlins t-shirt. “I had to eyeball it. I hope the stuff fits.”

  I was really touched. “This is perfect,” I said. I undid the sling and took it off.

  “Oh, hey, should you be doing that? Maybe you oughta talk to the doc first.”

  “It’ll be fine. Turn away if you don’t want to see my ta-tas.” She turned her head and I pulled my hospital gown off over my head. (I’ll be honest, it wasn’t a move I should’ve made that early. It hurt like hell.) I put the t-shirt on without the bra (I’m not big on bras). Then I put on the panties and the jeans under my covers. Amanda had a pretty good eye for sizes.

  “I noticed you got a new jar,” the lawyer said.

  “Yeah, it should have the same functionality as the old one. But Hope’s not in there.”

  “Yesterday, when you got shot, you said ‘she’. Do you know who was up there in those rocks?”

  I threw my legs over the side of the bed and began lacing my shoes. “Oh, yeah. For sure. It was Harper Adcock. She bronzed in biathlon in the Olympics.”

  “Biathlon? Which one is that?”

  “It’s the one where you cross-country ski and then you target shoot. They use twenty-two caliber rifles.” I put the shoes on and stood up.

  “Apparently, Eurydice was handing us a line of bull about not wanting to see Orpheus again. It looks like she was in on the whole deal.”

  “Yeah, well, Orpheus seems to have that effect on people. Even as he was smuggling his wife out of hell, one of his exes was trying to off him.”

  “Harper might’ve pulled it off if she hadn’t stopped to shoot at you.”

  “I sympathize. I was the one that broke her nose. I’m sure she wanted to get us both.”

  Amanda put her empty cup down and the nightstand, gathered her purse and stood up herself. “What’re we into today?

  “What’re we into? You mean you’re not gonna take your chance and get off this crazy train?”

  “Uh uh. Not how I roll. I bought my ticket; I’m taking the while ride.”

  “Weren’t you doing this mainly to climb the legal firm ladder?”

  She shrugged. “Initially. Then my reasons got more complicated.”

  I did something then I never do. I gave her a friendship hug. A little, awkward friendship hug.

  Venables patted me on the arm and turned toward the door. “Easy there, killer. Don’t forget your jug.”

  When we got to the right floor of the parking garage, I saw the Firebird. “Hey, you got the window fixed!”

  “Thank Connie for that. Apparently, you owe him one eighty-five forty-nine.”

  “Okay.”

  “You wanna drive? You want me to drive?”

  I considered, rotating my sore shoulder. “I’m driving,” I said. “Hold this, would you?” I gave Amanda the new pithos. We got in, she on the passenger’s side, me on the driver’s. “Have you seen the news? Has there been any fallout from the Evils escaping?” I stuck the keys in the ignition, but I didn’t start the car.

  “I haven’t heard anything.”

  Another voice came out of the backseat, startling me. “I haven’t heard anything either. And I’ve been watching close.” It was Constantine Constantinides. “Some of those Evils have been stuck in your jug for centuries. You’d think they’d be eager to stretch their legs. But not a peep so far.” Then he noticed what Amanda had in her lap. “Is that a new pithos?”

  It wasn’t the right time for it, but I felt I was entitled to brag—and to exaggerate. “I had a little talk with Zeus last night.”

  Connie was suitably impressed. “He knows what went down wasn’t your fault, right?”

  “He knows.”

  “He knows but he stuck you with another jug, so you could start the curse all over again? Kind of a dick move if you ask me.”

  I smiled at him, pleased he had my back. “I’ll be sure and tell him you think so. No, he was gonna give me a pass. He was actually gonna let me fuck off. But I told him that wouldn’t feel right with the mess I left behind me.”

  Connie grinned. “You volunteered? That makes you either the nicest person or the dumbest I ever met.”

  “It’s probably somewhere in the middle,” I said. Then I noticed something. A vibe had changed. The order of the universe had shifted. “Wait. You two guys fucked, didn’t you?”

  Both of them turned beet-red and stammered over the top of one another.

  A grin split my face. “Hold up. I didn’t say there was anything wrong with you fucking. If you wanna fuck, go ahead and fuck.”

  “Gee, thanks,” Amanda mumbled.

  “Yeah. Maybe we just felt like it, okay?”

  “Okay, okay. I was just acknowledging the eight-hundred-pound gorilla.”

  Venables coughed, more than eager to change the subject. “Where’re we headed?” she said.

  I started the car. “We probably can’t fix the problem of the walking dead, so we’re gonna table it.” I turned back to Connie. “Amanda told you what happened in the Underworld, right?”

  Constantinides nodded. He and Venables looked at one another. Finally, he said, “I got a buddy who knows one of the Furies. He talked to her this morning. She said Stephanie and about half the staff all fucked off. The Underworld’s got no management. For the time being, anybody who dies can just un-die themselves without interference. I guess that goes for not only the shades that escaped, but new people too.”

  I shut my eyes and took several deep breaths. Serenity now, I thought to myself. “Okay,” I said. “That’s fucking terrible news, but I don’t think there’s anything the three of us can do about it. We gotta keep our heads down and our eyes on what we can do. You told us before, back at the motel, Orpheus’ number one priority will be consummating his marriage on the anniversary of the ceremony. What day is it?”

  “The fifth,” Amanda said.

  “That means we’ve got two days to catch up with him and stop him from doing the wango tango.”

  Connie leaned forward a bit. “I’ve got people at LAX, Long Beach, Ontario and John Wayne airports. They’re watching for Orpheus. None of them have seen him yet. They’ll spot him if he tries to make a break for Greece.”

  I put the car in gear and eased us out of the spot. “Okay, it’s gonna be a busy day. Let’s get rolling. ‘Course you guys have already been rolling, am I right?”

  “Shut up,” Amanda said, covering her face.

  As we pulled out of the parking lot, I made wah-wah pedal porn music with my mouth.

  As we drove through the streets of Burbank, we passed several Immigration and Customs Enforcement vans. They were rounding up the toga’ed dead. Who could blame them, really? Until you’ve got a firm hand on where a bunch of refugees from Animal House came from, you should get them off your streets. Funny thing was, the officers looked just as confused as the recently-dead. Thankfully, what we had on our hands was not a George Romero-esque infestation of implacable zombies. It was more of a None of Us Know What’s Going on, and We Don’t Want Any Trouble kind of invasion.

  The best kind to have.

  Basil Economides wasn’t expecting us. That was a good thing since it gave me the opportunity to put the fear of gods into him. As soon as we walked in, I said to Dru,
“Beat it, kid. Take a break.” He started to protest but saw the look in my eyes and immediately thought better of it. He gathered up his hoodie and got the hell out of the office. As soon as he was gone, Basil came into the lobby, saw who it was and tried to spin on his heel. I said, “Basil!” so loudly it startled not only the healer but my two friends.

  Economides stopped in his tracks and reluctantly turned. “Look, I can explain,” he said.

  Amanda and Connie sat down on waiting room chairs, content to let me do my work. “Hold that thought,” I said. “Let me go ahead and fill in the obvious bits and then you can fill in the whys and wherefores. The other day, when we came to you, you were just a link in an elaborately-planned chain. Medea gave us something—something not quite as deadly as hemlock—knowing we’d panic and come here. Once we were here—and unconscious—you put something into our bodies. Something that’d react to the rains in the Asphodel Meadows. How do I know this? Because Medea does poisons and poisons only. The whole turning us into walking, talking knockout gas was outside her expertise. That means she got you to do it. She got you to do it either because you were down for whatever her cause was or because she threatened you. Which one was it?”

  He bowed his head and said something too quietly for me to hear.

  “What?” I said. I hadn’t entered in a patient mood and I wasn’t getting any more laid back as time wore on. “Speak up, goddammit.”

  “The second one. It was the second one.”

  “How did she threaten you?”

  Basil sighed and pulled a chair away from one of the walls, so he could sit down. “At first she talked about how there was a new day dawning and I ought to make sure I was on the right side of history.”

  “What does that mean? A new day dawning...”