Necrophiliac's Honeymoon

by Paul Neuhaus

  Around us, the newly-returning dead were growing thick.

  Cerberus and the dragon had rolled the other way. Their frenzied fighting was kicking up a continuous spray of river water.

  I gritted my teeth, genuinely afraid for the first time. This could all come down to a matter of seconds. If the giant combatants in the river held one another in a stalemate and, if Medea could keep Connie and Amanda in check, the grate above Tartarus might soon be open.

  That thought gave me pause. We now knew what Medea was up to, but we didn’t really know why. She wanted to unseal Tartarus, but so what? What was in Tartarus that could possibly do her any good? The most famous resident of that place is probably a guy you’ve heard of. Sisyphus. He’s the guy that has to get up every morning, push a giant rock uphill all day and then have it roll back down on him again at nightfall. I was pretty sure Sisyphus was not what Medea was after but, then again, I’d practically given up on understanding the mean little woman’s motives.

  Then it hit me.

  What else is locked up in Tartarus?

  The Titans.

  A quick history lesson... The Olympians—Zeus, Poseidon, Hades, all those guys—they weren’t the first set of Greek gods. The first set of Greek gods were the Titans. Those bozos were led by an especially cruel guy named Cronus. At some point early in his reign, he was tipped that, if he had kids, they would work to supplant him. Sure enough, he and the Mrs. had themselves a brood and, remembering the prophecy, Cronus did the only logical thing he could: he ate his kids.

  You know.

  As you do.

  Here’s the thing, though: the kids—Zeus, Poseidon, Hades, et al—didn’t die. At the urging of plucky little Zeus, they cut their way out of Cronus and staged a hellacious rebellion. After it was over, they threw their pops and his peeps into Tartarus.

  Medea was working to release the Titans. But why would she wanna do a damn, fool thing like that? Because there was a power vacuum at the top. Most of the Olympians had fucked off and the stage was set for a new pantheon to take charge. Or re-take charge.

  But like I told Amanda not that long ago, Medea doesn’t do anything unless there’s something in it for Medea.

  She was planning to set herself up as leader of a new breed of gods. Woe be to the unsuspecting mortals of the modern age.

  It just kept getting worse.

  Right as I was about to sound a warning to Amanda and Connie, I heard an insistent keening from above me. Hovering there was Leon and he’d followed my instructions to the letter.

  He was carrying Pan’s magic pinecone.

  Once he saw that I was looking up at him, he dropped his cargo and it fell right into my hand. I gave the little guy a thumbs-up and tightened my grip on the object.

  Ten seconds later, I was gone.

  I’ll spare you the details of my second adventure inside the pinecone. Mostly, it was just a lot of running around and gathering. Finding and convincing.

  Things were pretty much as I’d left them in the main chamber. The dragon and the dog were still rolling around tearing at each other and Medea was still locked in a magic battle with Connie and Amanda. Amanda was on her knees and blood flowed from a cut on her forehead. She was still in the thick of it, though. Shooting blue fire from her hands.

  Fortunately, Medea wasn’t aware of me. As soon as I was sure I wasn’t going to get crushed by the fighting animals, I stopped and raised Harper Adcock’s Olympic rifle to my shoulder.

  Like I told Connie, I’m not great with firearms, but the distance was short, and the gun was perfectly balanced. I pumped a round into Medea’s side.

  The sorceress turned to me, trailing spittle, her eyes wide with rage.

  But it was already too late.

  I had two small figures at my side. Two children. They both carried spears. The boy ran forward first and threw his weapon. Its flight was true, and it entered Medea’s chest and came out through her back. She was shocked. Especially when she saw who it was that’d been her undoing. When the girl stepped forward and, without hesitation, threw her own spear, Medea’s expression was almost one of acceptance.

  Even she could understand poetic justice.

  The witch fell backward against the iron grate leading to Tartarus. The key fell from her hands and her wide eyes went dead.

  Connie and Amanda turned toward myself and the children, shocked.

  The dragon disappeared. Cerberus, suffering from mostly superficial wounds, stood up and shook the water off of himself.

  Thanatos appeared to my right. He and I made eye contact briefly, then he took a step toward Medea’s children. Knowing their job was done, they moved toward him as well. As soon as he laid his hands on their shoulders, they turned back into shades and went with him willingly toward the inner gate.

  “Was that—?” Connie said, meaning the kids.

  “It was,” I replied.

  “Wow,” he replied.

  “I know.” Talk about your long-delayed closure.

  Cerberus stepped forward and sat down next to me. I scratched his flank. The Underworld was full of shades again. Amanda stood up and came over to stand next to the dog and myself. Meanwhile, Connie went to Medea’s corpse and picked the key up from the ground.

  We all went inside the secondary gate to the two thrones. We passed Thanatos on the way in. With his work complete, he’d gone back to Cigar Store Indian mode. With weary sighs, Connie and Amanda sat down. “What’s next?” I said to them.

  “What’s next? I guess we’re lord and lady of the Underworld.”

  I nodded. “I feel like it’s in good hands, if you wanna know the truth.”

  Streams of shades were going by us on both the right and the left. They were returning to their assigned neighborhoods. On the left, I saw Eurydice (her eyes downcast) and Harper Adcock. Weirdly, she still had on her nose splint even though she was a ghost. On the right, Medea’s two kids followed not too far behind Odysseus. Odysseus. Now there was a guy I would love to have talked to, but right then wasn’t the time.

  “You know,” I said, returning my attention to the new custodians. “It’s good that you both opted to take the crowns. You can have the same arrangement Hades and Persephone had. You can take turns leaving this joint and spending time on the surface.”

  Venables folded her arms in front of her chest and sat back. “It wasn’t like I had a choice. Either I became Queen of Hell or Death-y McDeath over there was gonna take my soul.”

  I smiled and called over his shoulder. “You hear that, Thanatos? You got a new nickname. Death-y McDeath.”

  We all looked at Thanatos. He didn’t turn, but he did extend his arm behind himself and flip us all the bird. We laughed.

  Connie looked first at me then at Amanda. “Listen to what Dora is saying, though, honey. You can sneak out and go shopping. You and Dora can get your hair done and look at shoes.”

  Amanda’s brow furrowed. “Hmm. I dunno...”

  Constantinides elbowed his new girlfriend and business partner. “Oh, lighten up, would you? Dora had to do some heavy improvising to get you two out of the pinecone. If I’d’ve been there, I might’ve murdered you too.”

  Venables sighed a heavy sigh and looked back at me. “Do you really promise never to murder me again?”

  “Scout’s honor,” I said, raising the three-fingered salute.

  Amanda held out her hand and I shook it.

  Epilogue - No Rest

  When I got back to the trailer, Hermes was waiting there for me. He had the pithos in his lap. “Hey! Holy shit! There you are!”

  “Here I am,” he agreed. He handed me the jug and I put it down on the desk. I plopped down next to him on the couch, exhausted. After I’d had my eyes shut for a moment, I opened them again and said, “If you’d told me everything that was gonna happen after you bailed me out of jail, I wouldn’t’ve have believed you.”

  He grinned from ear to ear. “I didn’t bail you out,” he said. “That was Medea.”
/>   I sat up, shocked. “She played you too?!”

  “Yeah, of course. She got me good.”

  “What happened?”

  He hesitated for a second, but then a fuck it expression crossed his face. It was an embarrassing story, but he was gonna tell it anyway. “You’re no doubt aware of my fondness for whores. I was in Vegas, doing the whale thing. High stakes Blackjack. Comped rooms, comped meals, the whole nine yards. Anyway, I’m sitting there minding my own business when in walks the classiest looking trick I’ve ever seen. We’re talking Aphrodite caliber. We got to talking, we got friendly, and she invited me out to...” He made air quotes. “’The Ranch’ for a kind of all-you-can-eat buffet. Since Zeus didn’t raise no fool, I had her in my beamer inside of ten, and we were driving out to the desert. We got to this Ranch of hers and, in the words of Motley Crue, it was girls, girls, girls. Only, after two days, I realized something was off. The girls were performing the exact same acts on me in the exact same ways. It was like they were animatronic fuck puppets. Most people would say, Who cares? Just roll with it, but it started to bother me. I guess my confusion and doubt broke the spell because next thing I knew, I was sitting naked next to some California cholla, and prairie dogs are watching me jack off. I figured it out immediately. There’s only one person I know who’s got that kind of whammy power. Medea.”

  “So, while you were engaging in ritual self-abuse somewhere near Henderson, Medea was running a scam on me and Amanda.”

  “‘Fraid so.”

  I shook my head, gladder than ever Medea’s sick ass had been taken out. “How’d you get the pithos out of Medea’s bubble?”

  “Not long after your little murder suicide thing, the bubble disappeared. It must’ve had an expiration date.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Do me a favor: Don’t ever tell Amanda that. I’ll never hear the end of it.”

  “Mum’s the word,” he said.

  I stood and put on my Gosh, it’s getting late voice. “Well, as much as I’ve enjoyed this little adventure, I need to sleep for the next four or five days.”

  He winced. “Yeah, well, about that...”

  I stopped and looked down at him, afraid to ask what I needed to ask next. “What? What is it?”

  He looked like he really didn’t want to tell me, but there was just no getting around it. “I understand you broke the original pithos...”

  “Not to put too fine a point on it, but I didn’t so much break it as have it snipered out of my hands.”

  “And the Evils all got out, right?”

  “Yeah. They scattered to the four winds.”

  He scratched his nose. “Have you wondered why all the Evils haven’t been running rampant doing their Evil shtick?”

  I didn’t like where this was headed. “Now that you mention it...”

  “They’re being held in check.”

  “Held in check? How?”

  “By Hope. She’s still alive and she’s doing her level best to keep the Evils contained. The thing is, she can’t hold out much longer. She needs help.”

  I didn’t even stop to think. I picked up my car keys and my new pithos and headed toward the door. Then I stopped and spun. I reached back onto the desk and picked up Pan’s copy of The Great Gatsby.

  Right before I slammed the door shut behind me, Hermes said, “Hey, can I crash here for a coupla days?”

  “Sure thing,” I replied. “But no whores.”

  “No promises,” he muttered.

  “What was that?”

  “Right. Of course. No whores.”

  I went out and headed for the Firebird.

  DORA WEIR RETURNS IN DIE, BRONY, DIE

  Click the text or the book cover below for a free copy of Angle of the Dangle - a prequel set in the world of Pandora Weir!

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  Also by Paul Neuhaus

  Company Town - Book 1 of the Quinn Henaghan Chronicles

  Magic! Monsters! Mayhem!

  All the things mousy Quinn Henaghan didn’t want in her life. But now, thanks to a long-hidden power, Quinn is fast on her way to becoming the world’s most powerful sorceress.

  Can she master her gift in time to save Los Angeles from the demon who’s been ruling it for a century?

  A paranormal adult romance thriller! In the tradition of The Dresden Files and Doctor Strange!

  Aeon of Horus - Book 2 of the Quinn Henaghan Chronicles

  A priceless artifact! A dark conspiracy! An approaching apocalypse!

  Quinn Henaghan is again embroiled in a situation not of her own making. Thieves, witch-hunters, demons and rival wizards all want a totem she acquired but didn't ask for. As she weaves her way through this collection of rogues, she learns the statue she holds is the only thing that stands between life as we know it and the total destruction of the earth!

  Urban Fantasy at its finest! In the tradition of The Dresden Files and Doctor Strange!

  Messiah of Burbank - Book 3 of the Quinn Henaghan

  Danger! Demons! Sex!

  Quinn Henaghan has a family now. She also has a new enemy, one far deadlier than any she’s faced before.

  Can the most powerful sorceress in the world defeat an ancient goddess hell-bent on destroying every magic-user everywhere? Can she protect the ones she loves from ruin and death?

  Read the senses-shattering conclusion to the Quinn Henaghan Chronicles to find out!

  About the Author

  Paul was born long, long ago in Cincinnati, Ohio. He had a normal childhood and did moderately well in school. When he came of age, he went to numerous colleges, starting with Ohio State University in Columbus and culminating at Kennesaw State College north of Atlanta, Georgia. That’s right: mid-college, he moved South where he indulged in fatty cuisine and intolerance for his fellow man. He received a BA in English which, sadly, benefited him little. Paul, in his early years, lacked a teacher’s temperament and professional writing jobs were few and far between. Undaunted, our hero returned to school where he received a degree in Computer Animation. For the next decade, he worked in the video game industry. During that ten year span, he relocated from Georgia to sunny Southern California. He also took a wife and — much to society’s regret — he produced twin offspring. In addition to his stint as an artist for games, Paul has also worked in fast food, retail, writing (some fifteen years after getting his English degree), video editing, and — most recently — teaching.

  Paul enjoys reading, writing, and watching movies. He is, to this day, shockingly intolerant of his fellow man.

  Visit Paul at www.paulneuhaus.com.