Aunt Daisy's Letter

by S J Crabb

  Finn is strangely silent which worries me a little and then he says quickly, “Of course, we’ll make it work.”

  There’s a slight edge to his voice that rings the alarm bells, and I start to worry. He didn’t sound so sure. Maybe he doesn’t want to see me when we’re at home. Maybe he does have another woman waiting in Kent who he devotes his free time to. Perhaps I’m just a bit of light relief, and he never intended on taking this any further than Provence.

  Suddenly, I’m not so sure about his intentions, which pounds my heart like a sledge hammer. As the realisation hits me, I swallow hard. How could I have been so stupid? I’m such an idiot and the word ‘fool’ was created in my image. I never saw this one coming and now it’s here I can’t deal with it. I’ve allowed my stupid heart to run riot and it’s done something I should have warned it about from the start. I’ve fallen for the annoying stranger and now I don’t know what on earth I’m going do about it.

  ♥30

  Despite my reservations, I actually love skiing. The fact we haven’t even made it out of the hire shop yet is of no consequence.

  “You look amazing but we really should be going now.”

  Finn looks like a desperate man, which is nothing to how the assistant looks. All around me is a sea of discarded ski suits, which is a great image for Instagram. Suits of all the colours of the rainbow are piled high and as I look at myself in the mirror, I congratulate myself on a job well done because I look as if I’ve done this a million times before.

  I managed to find an all-white ski suit which will look amazing against the snow. It has fur edging and silver trim, which makes me feel a bit like a spaceman, with an American flag embroidered on the arm. It fits well and feels nice and cosy. I am wearing my amazing fur hat and the ski boots I wore camping, although I think we’re picking up some proper ski boots along with our skis. My mirror sunglasses will top this look off perfectly and I cannot wait to get some great shots of me all suited and booted for my, ‘living my best life’ Instagram story.

  As I follow Finn outside, I admire him from under my lashes. He is looking so cool in an all-black ski suit and makes my mouth water every time I look at him. He is so… manly. Sort of rugged and outdoorsy and looks as if he could wrestle bears should the need arise.

  I am feeling quite good about myself and follow him outside into the crisp, snowy air, with a renewed energy. I now know why skiing is so popular, it’s cool in every way.

  We make the short journey to the nursery slopes and Finn patiently tries to explain how things work. It’s harder than it looks, and I lose count of how many times I fall over in the powdery white snow. However, he is always on hand with a strong capable arm to pull me up and dust me off, and as the sun beats down from the clear blue-sky, London seems a million miles away.

  We mess around on the nursery slope for most of the morning and then Finn says a little wearily, “Shall we grab some lunch and then maybe progress to the next stage?”

  “Great, I am feeling rather hungry as it happens.”

  We head to an amazing looking restaurant that overlooks the slopes and take a seat on the balcony near the edge. Finn laughs as I look around in wonder. “Impressive, isn’t it?”

  “It certainly is. I never thought being out in the cold light of day would be so magical.”

  “I know, it makes you feel alive, doesn’t it?”

  He smiles, and once again my heart beats a little faster. Finn is an incredibly good-looking man, and I still have to pinch myself that he’s here with me at all. Added to that, he’s good company, so I need to find out what his flaws are immediately because nobody could be this perfect.

  We order two glasses of mulled wine and some warm soup with crusty bread, and as the waiter heads off, Finn leans back and groans. “I’m going to miss this when I head back to work.”

  My ears prick up because this could be my chance to discover what he does for a living, so I say nonchalantly, “When do you have to get back?”

  “Another week but I’m dreading it already.”

  I nod in agreement because despite the fact I’m set on returning to my new role, it has lost a little of its shine since I met him. In fact, it’s the last thing I want to do, which surprises me and I know it’s because I’m enjoying myself so much with Finn.

  “What are you thinking?”

  His question brings me back to the conversation and I shrug. “Same as you probably. I’m dreading going back, which has surprised me.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I have finally got everything I want. The fantastic job of my dreams and my life is heading places. With the job will come more money, which means I can probably afford to upgrade my living accommodation and start to enjoy life.”

  “Are you sure about that?”

  I look at him in surprise. “Of course, my pay will nearly double and I know of a great development that’s much better than mine where the rent isn’t too bad for London.”

  He shakes his head. “No, not the upgrade. I mean, have you finally got everything you want because I know I haven’t?”

  As I think about it, I can see he’s right to ask and sigh. “On the face of it I have. All I ever wanted was to be successful like my Aunt Daisy. She seemed to have it all worked out, and I thought she was happy with her life. I believed that success brought happiness and that once you had it everything else would slot into place. But…”

  I break off and look at the view and notice the strangest thing. A small child is laughing as they throw snowballs at their brother or sister, I can’t tell from this distance. However, their laughter carries across the space reminding me when life was a lot simpler. Their parents are taking photographs and laughing too, and as the sun beats down and reflects off the crisp white snow, I feel empty inside.

  Images of London in winter cloud my mind. The dark, dismal days are mainly filled with rain and depression. The commute to work, along with half the population, to an imposing building in the heart of one of the busiest cities in the world seems tiresome. Endless hordes of people that fill the day, from the train journey in, to the walk from the tube, crowd my personal space. Then there’s the noise from the traffic as I weave my way through the dusty streets that are home to the homeless who seek shelter in the brightly lit shop doorways as most people walk by with not a second glance. It seems a million miles away from the simplicity this day has brought. Deadlines, meetings and pressure used to drive me to succeed. However, the thought of returning to such a pressure cooker is causing me sadness, and as I look at Finn, I see the same misery reflected back at me.

  He reaches out and takes my hand and says sadly, “Next week I’m leaving for Berlin. I’ll be away for weeks, not really knowing when I’ll be back.”

  I make to speak, but he shakes his head. “Don’t ask because I can’t tell you. However, I can tell you, I don’t want to go. Like you, I’ve always been a slave to my profession. It excites me and the thought of doing a normal job used to fill me with fear. I love the uncertainty of what I do. The lack of routine and the excitement it gives me. I like the fact I travel and see places nobody normal would ever think of going. I love my life, at least that’s what I keep on telling myself, but now everything’s changed.”

  “How?”

  “Not how, why?”

  “Why?”

  He laughs at my confusion and smiles so sweetly I forget to breathe. His startling blue eyes twinkle in the most handsome face I have ever seen. He is looking at me with such a soft look it melts me inside and he could ask me anything right now and the answer would be yes. It probably always will be because I am fast realising that Finn is something good in my life and I would be a fool to mess this up.

  “It’s changed because of you, Adams. When you showed up in the New Forest with your wheelie case and determination to do things your way, my head has been scrambled. The more I heard, the more I liked you and even that crazy list of yours sparked something inside me that wasn’t there before.”
>
  Raising my hand to his lips, he kisses it softly and says, “You made me feel something I never have before. I wanted to spend time with you because you made me question the direction I was heading in my own life. Sitting around that camp fire discussing your plans, made me look at my own and they didn’t seem so exciting anymore. You see, Lily, when I’m with you - around you, I feel alive. When I’m not, it feels as if something is missing and I don’t like it.”

  My heart is beating so fast I may need an air ambulance, but I would even tell that to wait a minute because every word that spills from Finn’s lips is seized upon and held tightly as if it’s the finest treasure. Then I watch the light fade and he says sadly, “Life really sucks sometimes.”

  He pulls away and stares out across the snowy scene, and my heart feels heavy as I see him battling with something. The food arrives which breaks the spell and I wonder what he’s thinking because I know what appears to be at the forefront of my own mind – I don’t want this to end. I don’t want him to head off with no return date. I don’t want to go back to my old life without him in it and I don’t actually want my old life, even though it’s technically a new life in the making.

  Thinking of the crumbling Château not a million miles away, I feel a tug on my heartstrings as I realise it’s just a temporary place to stay. Soon we will pack up and return to normality, and the excitement of the past few days will be just a delicious memory to think about on the train journey to work, or when the lights go out at night. Real life will interfere and crowd around the memory of when life was simple and there were no responsibilities.

  As the tears build behind my eyes, I discover that unlike Aunt Daisy, I would ditch my plans in a heartbeat. If only he would ask me.

  ♥31

  When I wake the next morning, it’s with a mind crowded with memories. After lunch we headed off for a mammoth snowball fight like the children we watched so avidly. We skied and I discovered a new passion as I felt the thrill of speeding through the powdery white snow beside a man who is fast becoming everything to me. Then we ate in a romantic bistro overlooking the mountains, and as the candle flickered between us, I fell in love with Finn a little more.

  By the time we returned to the Château, I knew in my heart I had everything I wanted in life holding my hand so tenderly.

  Last night we kissed and it was different from before. More serious with extra feeling, yet with a desperation that is becoming increasingly obvious. Soon those kisses will be goodbye kisses and the magic will be broken. Real life will interfere and cast its shadow over the magic we have created. We will go our separate ways and just have the photos to remind of us of when life was perfect in a very imperfect world. Our surroundings were far from perfection but at the same time couldn’t be more so. Inside is a raging torrent of conflicted emotions, and the whole thing is making me feel so emotional. I don’t want this to end – us to end and there is nothing I can do about it.

  With a heavy heart, I set about getting washed and dressed for the day, and when I venture into the kitchen; I see Finn working on his iPad.

  He looks up and smiles. “Morning gorgeous, I think you caught a bit of a tan from all that fresh air yesterday.”

  I had noticed my new accessory and smile happily. “Yes, it appeared to agree with me. Maybe my skin was shocked at receiving some actual fresh air and sunshine, it absorbed it quickly like a greedy kid in a sweetshop.”

  Shaking his head, he snaps his iPad closed. “You’re a strange one, Lily”

  “Says you.”

  I grin and he pours me a mug of coffee. “So, what shall we do today?”

  I sit beside him at the table and sip my coffee thoughtfully. “Maybe we should head to the town. I would love to see the little shops and we could do with a few supplies.”

  Smiling sweetly, he salutes. “Your wish is my command. As soon as the builders arrive and I’ve made sure they have everything, we can go.”

  The sound of the lorries arriving, remind us we are here to do a job and Finn jumps up. “Speak of the devil, I won’t be long.”

  He heads off, leaving me feeling unsettled. After our conversation yesterday, things seem a little forced now. It’s as if we are just waiting for this to end and can’t enjoy ourselves knowing that we only have a few more days left.

  My phone buzzes with a notification and I pounce on it eagerly. Maybe I just need to get back to normal and these feelings will pass.

  It’s a message from Heidi and I laugh at the picture she’s sent of her and Thomas taken on what appears to be a beach in paradise.

  “Hey, babe, just checking in with my bestie. Look at my view; I’m guessing you’re a little jealous right now. Anyway, I have news and you are not going to believe this. Thomas and I have decided we aren’t coming home. Well, we are coming home but only so we can sort things out and pack for an around the world adventure. I know you won’t believe it but this trip has changed our lives and now we want more. I hope things are going well with you and the gorgeous Finn. Who knew there was more to life than knitting? Speak soon, we’re back next week and can catch up then. xoxo”

  Heidi’s message has unnerved me. What’s going on? Suddenly, life is changing at a break-neck speed and I can’t cope. It’s not as if I have many friends, and it looks as if I’m about to lose my best one. I’m feeling so low right now because it appears that everyone is doing amazing life-changing things and leaving me behind.

  Then again, I have everything I always wanted – don’t I? Editor- in-chief of a successful magazine is nothing to be sneezed at and surely many would kill to be in my position – Joseph Maltravers for one.

  No, life is changing for all of us and this is just a shift onto bigger and better things – isn’t it?

  Finn heads back not long after he left and smiles. “Done, let’s get out of here before they find anything else to complain about. I need some Lily time now.”

  He grins, and then I see the concern in his eyes as I struggle to look excited. Heading across, he lifts my face to his and says softly, “What’s up?”

  Struggling to shake it off, I laugh nervously. “It’s nothing, just me being a little selfish.”

  “In what way?”

  “It’s my friend Heidi.” I sigh and say with a little break to my voice. “She’s found true love and is taking it around the world.”

  I have to laugh at the confusion on his face and lean against him, loving the way his arms automatically close around me.

  “She met that guy at the masked ball, Thomas, remember?”

  He nods. “Vaguely, I had other more important things on my mind.”

  Snuggling into him, I sigh again. “Well, they’ve fallen madly in love and are now off to see the world together. I suppose I’m being selfish and just thinking about what that means for me and not her. Does that make me a bad friend?”

  “No.”

  “You sound so certain but I’m not so sure.”

  He squeezes me a little tighter. “It’s natural. You’ll miss her and if you weren’t bothered, I’d be more concerned.”

  “You’re a wise man, Finley Roberts.”

  “You know it.”

  He pulls away a little and smiles at me so tenderly it brings tears to my eyes. Looking concerned, he says with a worried voice, “What else?”

  “I suppose it’s the last straw, really. First Aunt Daisy died and I thought that was the worst thing that could happen.”

  “Well, death is pretty bad.”

  “I know but then Sable told me she was leaving.”

  “And that was worse than your Aunt dying?”

  I laugh softly. “Of course not, but in a way, part of my life ended when she told me. You see, I have always feared her a little but have the utmost respect for her. She’s ruthless but fair, and I don’t think she’s ever made a bad decision in her life. I suppose I’m worried I’m not up to the job of filling her shoes. What if I fail? What if the magazine loses readers because of my incompetence? What
if I murder Joseph Maltravers because I’m likely to do that within the first hour?”

  “Who the hell is Joseph Maltravers?”

  “My deputy editor. Sable thinks he’s perfect but I’m not so sure.”

  “Then fire him.”

  “I doubt it will that easy. No, I’m not really sure I’m ready for this, Finn and added to it all…”

  I break off and squeeze my eyes tightly shut to try and stem the tears that are never far away.

  “What?” His question hangs in the air and I wish I could bat it away rather than face it but the silence that accompanies it demands an answer. For a moment I hesitate because I’m not sure I want to open up the can of worms that is festering inside my heart but Finn is not a man who backs down easily and he pulls my face to look at his and I see the urgent glint in his eye as he waits for the answer. For a moment, I think of something else to say – anything but the real reason my insides are tied up in knots that will take a miracle to untangle. The concern in his eyes threatens to destroy me and I say almost fearfully, “I don’t want to leave you.”

  As the words make it out into the open, I close my eyes. There I've said it, laid out my foolish heart for him to do with what he will. I’m not sure I dare open them because I might not like what I see, but his voice has such a command to it as he says. “Look at me, Lily.”

  I open one eye only, as if scared of what I might see, and to my surprise he is grinning like the Joker in Batman. I open the other in surprise as he shakes his head and looks so happy, I wonder if he heard me correctly. Then he pulls me tightly and devours my lips in a kiss so explosive I forget to breathe. He explores every inch of my mouth with his and fists my hair as he ignites a sudden flame of passion inside me that Felicity and James would be proud of. I have never been kissed like this before. It’s so primal, so intense and so sexy I’m about to lose my mind.

  When I think I already have, Finn pulls away and the look in his eyes makes me hold my breath as he says, “I feel the same. I’m dreading leaving you, and it’s been on my mind for several days now. The thought of going back to my usual life is not a pleasant one. I don’t know how this has happened, but I have fallen hard for your strange little ways and the annoying way you have of making everything crazy seem normal. You are the person I’ve been looking for Lily Rose Adams and if you feel the same, we can work it out.”