Pirate's Price

by Lou Anders

  Have you ever been?

  No, that is a silly question. You must have.

  Don’t worry. I’m not implying anything. Merely that someone of your particular expertise must get around, and so how could you not be familiar with Takodana and, especially, Maz Kanata’s magnificent castle? Or I should say, her once-magnificent castle.

  And Maz’s castle! With her “no fighting” rules. I cannot tell you what a boon it is to be able to court so many new potential business partners in a place where none of my former business partners are allowed to shoot me! And for some reason I cannot fathom, a surprising number of them want to.

  But as I suggested, there is a downside to Maz’s rules. So many visitors from across the galaxy, from hardened criminals to bright-eyed explorers, and all arriving in such a variety of strange and wonderful ships. The temptation is too great.

  Let me ask you, could it be so bad to steal just one?

  Well, one day I did just that. I had gone to Takodana on business, but there she was, parked near the castle, the Millennium Falcon.

  Sure, it was my friends’ ship. But the Falcon, she has changed hands before. She would change hands again. Perhaps, I thought, it was time for a new chapter in her book. Oh, she was a little more battered and bruised than when I had last seen her. But she was still a magnificent vessel, and again I felt my heart go patter-pit, patter-pit.

  I took a step toward her.

  Was I really going to steal her? Maybe I was just going to borrow her for a while. Or maybe I just wanted to sit in that cockpit and dream a little dream. Who can say?

  Probably I was going to steal her. After all, I am a pirate, and if people are going to be leaving perfectly good starships lying about, who can blame me if I pick them up?

  But before I could figure out what I was going to do, someone spoke behind me.

  “Don’t even think about it.”

  Well, I turned around, and who should I see walking away from Maz’s castle but my old pal Han Solo and his big fuzzy friend Chewbacca.

  “Ah, Solo,” I said. “You are looking—” I paused a moment, searching for the right words. “Well, you are looking—” Solo’s eyebrow began to rise as I drew my words out. “Well, to be honest, you are looking like a more crumpled and crusty version of the man I met the last time. But I suppose the light that burns brightest burns out first, right?”

  He frowned at that, trying to work out if I had insulted him, so I quickly turned my attention to Chewbacca.

  “Ah, my Wookiee friend, it has been too long.”

  “That’s still not long enough, if you want my opinion,” interrupted Solo. “I warned you before not to mess with my ship.”

  “Who is messing? And anyway, your ship is a mess already,” I said. “But look at the time. I am meeting someone in the castle. So I will take my leave of you. Good day, gentlemen.”

  “Good riddance,” growled Solo. But I knew he was only joking. At least, I think he was joking. I’m pretty sure Solo didn’t mean those nasty things he said to me. He was such a kidder, that smuggler.

  But as I walked away, I heard a commotion behind me. I turned and saw two very large Dowutins looming up behind my friends. Each of them raised a stun baton. And then zappity-zappity, Han and Chewbacca fell.

  Well, Chewbacca had to be zappity-zappitied more than once before he fell. Ooo, ow, oh. I winced just watching him. But eventually he went down, too—like a tree in the woods.

  That was all very unpleasant and potentially dangerous for yours truly, so I ducked behind another spaceship and watched to see what would happen.

  And I saw a little Nosaurian wheel out a repulsorcart, and then the Dowutins unceremoniously dumped my two unfortunate friends onto its flat surface. Then they carted Solo and Chewbacca up the boarding ramp of a little G9 Rigger. And it took off into the blue Takodana sky. Bye-bye.

  Well, I felt very bad for Solo and Chewbacca, true.

  But then again, fate was clearly handing me the Falcon. After all, they couldn’t use it themselves—not anymore. It would be a shame to let it go to waste.

  So I crept on board, and I made my way to the cockpit. As I sank into the pilot’s chair, I just enjoyed the feel of the vessel. The smell of history came off every panel, switch, and button. Also, a little Wookiee stink. Maybe I would install an air freshener later.

  I whistled a jaunty little tune while I powered up the ship.

  And that’s when I felt the barrel of a blaster poking me in the back of my neck.

  “Hoooooon-doooooo Ohhhh-naaaa-kaaaa!” The voice was loud in my ear, drawing out each syllable of my name like it was Tepasi taffy.

  “There is no need to shout, Maaaaaaz Kaaaa-naaaa-taaaaa,” I said, doing the same thing with her name that she’d done with mine.

  And then that wiry little pirate was in my face.

  “It’s good to see you, my friend,” I said.

  “Don’t you ‘good to see’ me, Hondo,” said Maz. “What are you doing here? Get out of the captain’s chair.”

  “What am I doing here? What are you doing here? Tell me that.”

  “Rescuing my boyfriend,” she replied.

  “Your boyfriend?” Well, that startled me. I knew Han Solo was a ladies’ man in his day, but I just didn’t see it. But you know, it takes all types to make a galaxy go ’round. Who am I to judge?

  “Someone has been stealing ships right here on Takodana,” Maz continued.

  “Who would do such a thing?” I exclaimed. And I put both hands to my chest to show my shock and outrage—which at that moment, with a blaster pointed at me, was absolutely genuine.

  Well, she got right in my face then. And she stared at me, goggle to goggle. Which made me kind of nervous. Her little bitty eyes get quite big.

  “Only a fool,” she said. And then she added, “So, what are you doing here, Hondo?”

  “Me? H-here?” I stammered. “Um, well, obviously, I am rescuing your boyfriend, too.”

  Maz studied me a moment longer.

  “Well, I’ve got no time to argue with you,” she said. Then she sat in the copilot’s seat and began to flip switches and punch buttons.

  “Shouldn’t you be in Stranger’s Fortune or the Epoch Swift?” I asked.

  “Faster to take the ship we’re in than get mine out of the hangar,” she replied. “Take us up.”

  Well, that little orange lady is not someone I wanted to cross. So we lifted off.

  “Where are we going?” I asked.

  And then Maz produced a little blippy-blippy device and held it up for me to see. A tiny dot was making its way across a small screen. Blip, blip, blip.

  “I slipped a tracker into his drink,” she said.

  “Clever,” I said. “But how did you get your ship thieves to drink it? I didn’t think you knew who they were.”

  “Not them,” she said. “Solo’s drink. That boy will down anything I hand him. And a good thing, too. I asked him and Chewbacca to look into the ship theft for me, but he went at it with his usual subtle touch and got himself kidnapped. But as long as they don’t jump out of the system, we can follow. And I don’t think they’ll be jumping, since they’ve been running their operation right under my nose.”

  “Well, it is a tiny nose,” I said. Maz frowned at that, so I quickly lifted the Falcon into the sky.

  “Watch the trees!” shouted Maz.

  “Hey, it’s trickier than it looks,” I replied. “I’m still getting the hang of it.” And I clipped off the top of a tree as I spoke.

  Then I took the ship into a sharp curve so we passed right over the castle. Perhaps too tight a curve, as I may have grazed one or two towers. “Watch it!” yelled Maz. But on the upside, I got a glimpse of the flag of my old Ohnaka Gang flapping in the breeze coming off Nymeve Lake. Did you know my flag flew on the castle? It did. But no time for nostalgia. We were on our way.

  “So what were you doing here, Hondo?” asked Maz as I followed the route of the blippity-blip.

  “O
h, just coming to see you, for old time’s sake,” I said, hoping she would not question me further. “And isn’t this fun? Two pirates to the rescue of two smugglers! But tell me more. How exactly did you and your, um, boyfriend get mixed up in this?”

  “I’ve been hearing murmurs of a new gang called the Hackjackers,” said Maz. “Word is they’ve been stealing starships and breaking them down for parts. Now, I don’t make it my business what others do in their own territory, but they’ve had the nerve to steal ships from right outside my castle. So I asked Han and Chewbacca to pose as buyers and sniff them out.”

  “And they went and got kidnapped,” I finished. “Or in Chewbacca’s case, Wookiee-napped, I should say.”

  Maz harrumphed at that.

  “This is going to be a long trip if you don’t start appreciating my sense of humor,” I said. But as it turned out, we didn’t have far to go.

  Her blippy-blippy thing led us to a small mountain. We hovered above the barren rocky crest. There was nothing below us but rock, vines, and scraggly bushes.

  “Oh, well,” I said. “It looks like they got away. At least we tried.”

  “Take her down,” said Maz.

  “Down? But there is nothing there.”

  “Down,” Maz repeated in a tone that really didn’t leave a lot of wiggly room for argument. So down we went. I landed the Falcon in a small glen beside the mountain.

  Then Maz reached into a storage container, and what did she pull out but Chewbacca’s bowcaster.

  She held it up and gave me a look that was far too enthusiastic for my tastes. I mean, the weapon was nearly as large as she was!

  “You know, Maz,” I said, “you should really be careful with that. I’ve seen it in action, and it packs quite a kick.”

  “I’ve seen it in action, too,” she said. “But there’s nothing like a bowcaster when you want to make a good first impression.”

  “With a weapon like that, very often no one gets a second impression,” I said.

  “Let’s go,” she said.

  Now, I was frankly insulted when Maz made me disembark first, as if I really would have left her there and flown away. I would have, but it still hurt to have her thinking so low of me.

  And then we were walking through the woods.

  “You know,” I said, “I am more of a desert person myself. All the little creepy-crawlies in the forests give me the jeebie-heebies. But there is no denying this is a pretty planet you have here.”

  “You just see that you do your part in this rescue,” said Maz, “and I’ll let you visit it again.”

  Oh, ho-ho, that Maz is a kidder. She was kidding, right?

  But soon our humor dried up as her blippity-blip led us to a sheer stone wall.

  “My dear Maz,” I said, “there is nothing here. Your doodaddy device is obviously malfunctioning. I see no choice but to return to the castle, where I would be happy to raise a drink with you in memory of those two brave pilots who were lost this day.”

  “Don’t be such a quitter, Ohnaka,” replied the little orange lady. Then she began pushing and prodding at the rock wall.

  “Aha!” she said, and she gave a particular stone a twist. Suddenly, a section of the rock wall slid away, revealing a tunnel into the mountain.

  Maz turned around and gave me an I-told-you-so look. Then she ducked into the darkness of the tunnel.

  I hesitated to follow her. I had a feeling things would get unpleasant where she was going. Whereas, I could still return to the ship and fly away in the Falcon if I were quick enough.

  “Step it up, Ohnaka!” Maz shouted at me from the darkness.

  Well, that settled it. There was no crossing the orange lady—not when she had a bowcaster.

  With a last, longing look at the Millennium Falcon, I walked out of the Takodana forest and into the mountain.

  I hoped I would walk back out again. But that was far from sure.

  “Maz, you know this is crazy,” I said as I followed her into the darkness of the tunnel.

  “Since when have you let that stop you from doing what you want?” she replied.

  “You raise a good point,” I said. “But is this what I want?”

  “Yes,” she said emphatically. “Han and Chewbacca are your friends. Or so you’ve told me repeatedly.”

  “Friends, yes,” I said. “But my sweet mother always told me, never let friendship get in the way of a good profit. I think she said the same thing about family, too, actually. She did swindle me out of quite a lot of money.”

  “Is profit all there is to you?” said Maz, snorting.

  “Not at all,” I replied, stung. “There is also eating and sleeping. Also scheming. And sometimes a little dancing.”

  “Dancing, huh,” said Maz. “Well then, you can shake a leg. Quit dragging your heels, and let’s go free my boyfriend.”

  Boyfriend. I still didn’t see that, but I followed the determined orange lady through the tunnel. Still, I was happy she was taking the lead. And as we got deeper into the darkness, I did drag my heels a little more.

  Suddenly, we saw four red dots shining ahead of us.

  “What’s that?” whispered Maz. “Are those lights? Sensors?”

  “You check it out,” I said. “I’ll wait here and cover you.”

  Maz made an adjustment to the lenses of her big goggles. Then she peered into the darkness as if she could see better and walked straight forward.

  “Maz, I don’t think—” I started to say.

  Then something furry leapt at us from the shadows.

  It had a wide mouth full of sharp teeth.

  Its jaws opened wide.

  But it did not eat Maz. The wiry little pirate ducked and rolled backward, and the jaws snapped on empty air.

  When I had recovered my composure, I saw what it was she had so narrowly avoided—a nexu!

  Maz approached to within centimeters of its mouth.

  “It’s on a chain,” she said.

  The creature glared at us with each of its four eyes and growled and growled, but Maz was right. It couldn’t reach her. It was straining at the end of a large chain hammered into the rock wall. But if Maz had been even a half meter taller, she would have been gobbled up before she could have rolled away.

  “That’s it,” I said. “Time to leave.”

  Ignoring both me and the snarly beasty, Maz turned in a circle.

  “Ah,” she said. “The passage doubles back here.”

  I followed her, being very cautious as I passed the nasty nexu. Sure enough, another passageway led back around, just before the limit of the creature’s reach.

  “Clever,” said Maz. “You can’t see the way until you walk past it. But if you don’t know about the nexu, you walk too far and get eaten.”

  “Clearly, whoever lives here doesn’t like company,” I said. “So maybe we should turn around.”

  “Hondo Ohnaka, if you turn around now, I’ll skin your hide and fly it as a flag over my castle next to the Ohnaka Gang one,” she said.

  “Well, if you are going to put it that way,” I said, “I guess I could stick around a bit more. After all, I am very fond of my hide. I am attached to it, you might say.”

  Maz did not respond to my joke, but after a little while, the passageway widened into a large cavern, the far wall of which had been worked smooth and set with a large metal door.

  Two guards stood there, a human and a Twi’lek. There was no use in hiding—we had been seen—so I gave them my best smile and walked up.

  “Hold it right there,” the Twi’lek said. “What’s today’s password?”

  “Ah, the password,” I said. Then I waggled my fingers in front of their faces.

  “You do not need to know the password.” I spoke slowly and calmly.

  “Yes, yes, we do,” said the human guard.

  “No, you don’t. You do not need to know the password,” I said again, and I waggled my fingers some more. “You want to let me enter. You will tell me that I can go
about my business.”

  The Twi’lek blinked at me, then he spoke to his companion.

  “I think he’s trying to use a Jedi mind trick on us. Are you trying to use a mind trick on us?”

  “That depends,” I asked. “Is it working?”

  “Not so much, no,” said the Twi’lek.

  “I don’t see a lightsaber,” said the human guard. “Don’t you know you have to be a Jedi to do that trick?”

  “Well,” I replied, “I have had so many dear friends that were Jedi. I was hoping maybe some of their jumbo mumbo had rubbed off.”

  “Hey, if you don’t have the password,” said the Twi’lek, “then you’ve got bigger problems.” And he started to unholster his blaster.

  “Time for plan M,” I said.

  “Don’t you mean plan B?” the human replied.

  “No,” I replied, “I mean plan M. For Maz.”

  Then I stepped aside, and behind me, the guards saw Maz Kanata holding up Chewbacca’s bowcaster.

  “I’d be worried if I were you, boys,” she said. “I don’t actually know how to work this thing.”

  “Why should that worry us?” said the Twi’lek.

  “Because I’m trying to remember if it’s possible to set bowcasters to stun, and I don’t think that’s the case.”

  After that, the guards saw the wisdom of setting aside their blasters and letting us tie them up. Sometimes a good bowcaster is better than a mind trick.

  Then we slipped through the doors.

  And there they were.

  Han Solo and Chewbacca.

  They were suspended in the air, their arms up, like puppets without any strings. And all around the room, I saw many unsavory ruffians. But that was not the center of our attention. There were a host of spacecraft there, and droids were busy tearing them to pieces for their various parts and components.

  “This is the chop shop,” said Maz. “Right here on Takodana.”

  “Let’s be very quiet,” I said to Maz. “They haven’t noticed us yet.”

  “No one operates a chop shop right under my nose,” said Maz. And then she yelled “Arrrrrrrrrrr!” and charged forward with the bowcaster.