The Pacifist

by Elin Peer

  You deserve to be loved fully, not just when no one is looking.

  As if Holger could read my mind and agreed with me, he licked my ear.

  In the loving and slightly silly voice I always used with my dogs, I muttered, “That’s right. I’m lovable, just like you are. I’m so happy we agree on that, my friend.”

  I was scratching Holger’s ear when my wristband chimed the melody of Jonah’s incoming call.

  This time, I didn’t even consider ignoring him. My friend had been in battle and he needed me to be there for him.

  CHAPTER 16

  Licking Wounds

  Jonah

  “Jonah.” The sweet sound of Mila’s voice was like a soothing blanket and I sighed with relief.

  “It’s over. I gave my speech.”

  “Yes, we saw it. You did good.”

  I was sitting by my desk in my apartment looking out the window where a group of birds sat in a nearby tree. “In a way, I wish the Council met in a physical building instead of virtual reality. It feels empty to sit here alone.”

  “Did they tell you what happens next?”

  “The discussion will resume in two days. Having a break gives everyone a chance to reflect on what was said today. I’m expecting a second round of questions on Friday, and after that they’ll vote on whether or not I can stay.”

  “What’s your feeling?”

  I placed my elbows on the table in front of me and let my hands carry my heavy head. “They want me out.”

  “But you could run for election again next time, couldn’t you?”

  “Yeah, but what would be the point? I’m a criminal in their eyes.”

  Mila was quiet for a few seconds. “My dad asked me to tell you that you can always come and live here.”

  “Thank you.” I gave Mila a small smile. “How is he?”

  “Good. He’s cracking jokes and flirting with my mom.”

  “And how is everything healing?”

  “Surprisingly well. He’s already moving around.”

  “And Khan and Pearl?”

  “They worry about you.”

  I gave another long sigh. “I feel like I’m disappointing them. Pearl helped with my speech.”

  “No one up here is blaming you for what happened. You’re right, the laws are too rigid.” The hologram of Mila that flowed in front of me showed her large expressive blue eyes. “I know this may sound funny, but in some ways, it reminds me of when I first moved to the Northlands as a child. Our teachers Kya and Archer had such different ideas about how we children should be raised. They always argued. She wanted to protect us from all harm while he wanted to expose us to danger so we could learn how to assess risk.”

  “But at least they were having a fair debate. I’m one Archer against a hundred Kyas.”

  Mila frowned. “Yeah, it doesn’t look good.” We were quiet for a few seconds and then she added. “I liked what you said about the romantics. That people used to call us softhearted and visionary.”

  “Thank you.”

  “And yet, Jonah, I don’t mean to criticize, but why would you bring a forbidden book and admit to breaking another rule?”

  “What do you mean? As a member of the Council, I’m allowed to read it.”

  “Yes, but you’re not allowed to bring it outside the archive, are you?”

  I was quiet.

  “Jonah?”

  Letting out a deep sigh, I groaned. “I’ve been so focused on my speech that I didn’t consider… I mean every person in that room is allowed to read it.”

  “Yes, but the rest of us aren’t and your speech was broadcast to the whole world. You know everyone is going to want a copy of that book now, right?”

  “I feel sick!” In a slow movement, I banged my head against the table.

  “Hey, don’t do that, your hologram just disappeared.”

  “Sorry. If you have your mood reader around, we could meet in VR…”

  “No, this is fine. As long as you keep your head up.”

  “I should have used the quote.”

  “What quote?”

  “It was a quote I found while researching and it just summed it up perfectly. It said, ‘Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.’”

  “Not bad. Who said it?”

  “A man called Benjamin Franklin who lived half a millennium ago. He was a politician who helped end a great war and form a nation.”

  “So why didn’t you use his quote?”

  I groaned. “I wrote and rewrote that speech so many times, Mila. I had another section about free thought being an illusion, but Pearl wasn’t sure about it, so I cut that part too.”

  “But if you liked that quote, why did you cut it out?”

  “Because I figured that the moment I mentioned his name it would lose power. They don’t want to listen to men. Especially not men who lived prior to the Toxic War.

  As always, Mila tried to cheer me up. “I liked your arguments about tolerance.”

  “You did?”

  “Yes.” She smiled at me. “Tell me how it went with Anne.”

  “Oh, right.” I blew out my cheeks and exhaled noisily through my nose. "She’s remorseful, but the mess she created is huge.”

  “She’s got quite a fan group up here, did you know that?”

  “Who – Anne?”

  “Yes. She’s been in the News a lot with pictures of her modeling in swimwear.”

  “But they don’t know her.”

  Mila smiled. “Almost two thousand men signed up to fight for me in my tournament and none of them know me either.”

  “Huh. I should tell her that.”

  “You talk to her?”

  I gave a small nod. “Yes. My mom is bringing Anne back into the family and insisting that what happened was a terrible tragedy that we need to put behind us.”

  “Your mom is a saint.”

  “Yeah, she is.” I thought about it. “It’s going to help a lot that we saw how horrible Anne feels about what happened.”

  “I would love to meet her one day.”

  “That could be arranged. We’re having dinner with her tomorrow. Wanna come?”

  “I wish, but it’s too far. Why don’t you bring her with you the next time you come?”

  Talking with Mila had made me feel much better. “I really missed this. Talking with you about things.”

  She looked down but smiled. “Me too.”

  “You’re my best friend, North Star, you know that, right?”

  Mila gave a small nod.

  “I mean it. I love you and I know how lucky I am to have you in my life. These past weeks you’ve been quiet and it’s been hard for me. Don’t ever disappear, please.”

  Mila blinked her eyes fast and sounded rushed when she spoke, “Jonah, I’m sorry, but my mom is calling for me. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

  Her hologram faded and left me missing her already.

  While talking with her, I’d received fourteen unanswered calls from family, friends, and colleagues on the council. Pearl had called too.

  Getting up, I walked over to my bed. I wasn’t physically tired, but my mind was exhausted from the pressure I’d been under, and except for Mila, I didn’t feel like talking to anyone.

  Sitting on my bed, I saw that the birds outside my window had flown away. A heavy feeling in my chest accompanied the question in my mind, Now what?

  I’d given it my best today, but it would take a miracle to win them over. In two days, I would most likely be a former Council member with no plan for my future.

  Every word of my speech ran through my mind. Juliana’s words about romantics being naïve and fragile bothered me. Mila was a romantic and I’d enjoyed reading the forbidden book too.

  With a sudden burst of inspiration, I went to get the book and returned to make a recording of myself reading it to Mila. She had been engrossed in the book before she left and I thought she might
appreciate listening to more of it. If nothing else it would give me a distraction from my own problems and the emptiness I felt inside.

  “I told you not to come, it’s too dangerous.”

  “I’m a risk taker.” He moved a little closer. “Why do you look so scared of me?”

  “I’m not scared. It’s just that…” When I didn’t finish my sentence, he joked:

  “That my handsomeness is overwhelming. I understand.”

  “You’re much taller than I expected.”

  “Funny you should say that, because so are you.”

  “Me?”

  “Yes, I imagined you the size of a child.”

  “Why in the world would you think of me as a child?”

  “I never thought of you as a child. Only that you would be small as one. It’s what I’ve always been told. That women on this side of the border are short like children.”

  “Well, I suppose that depends how big your children are.” I leaned my head back to take in the full size of the large Nman in front of me. “I have no problem imagining that you were my size as a child, but then you’re male and I’m female.”

  His smile grew. “I’m very aware of that fact.”

  After reading two chapters, I closed the book and looked up on the ceiling with a sudden epiphany. My idea of a hugging booth could work. I just needed to make a few adjustments.

  After my next Council meeting, I would go to the Northlands and explain my plan to Khan. After this week’s poll numbers, it was clear that he was under pressure and needed all the help he could get to win the election.

  Pearl, Khan, Mila, and their entire family had shown me kindness, and now, I finally knew how I could repay them. I might not be able to save my own seat on the Council, but I wasn’t powerless.

  CHAPTER 17

  No Means No

  Mila

  It had been eight days since my dad’s operation and every day, I’d promised myself that today I’d tell my parents about my decision to drop out of the tournament.

  A few times, I’d begun saying the words that I’d rehearsed in my head a thousand times, but every time, I’d backed out and changed the subject.

  With only three weeks to the tournament, my mom and grandmother had insisted that today we should go over all the details for my wedding.

  My appetite was nonexistent and I’d hardly slept at all. By ten a.m. I was shaking from nerves.

  Just get it over with.

  My right hand touched the wristband on my left hand for the umpteenth time, and I wondered if my urge to call Jonah for a confidence boost would ever go away.

  Taking deep breaths in through my nose and exhaling through my mouth, I walked up and down my floor. Loki, the smallest of my dogs, kept tripping me up because he stayed too close to my feet. Holger lay on my bed with his big drooping eyes following my movements.

  “Don’t give me those eyes. It’s not like I want to break my dad’s heart or cause any trouble. I know he and my mom have been excited about this tournament for as long as I can remember.”

  Holger’s face remained unchanged.

  “It’s my life, Holger. You get that, right?”

  This time the Great Dane lifted his head with interest and I placed a big kiss on his snout. “Thank you. Good talk.”

  With the determination to not let anything stop me this time, I walked out my door to find my parents and tell them.

  I found them in the basement gym where my dad was doing rehab with a specialist.

  My mom was glowing with pride when she saw me. “Mila, honey, come see what your dad can do now. Magni, do it again, I want Mila to see it.”

  My dad was wearing shorts and a t-shirt that was drenched from sweat. “I can do squats.”

  “You can?”

  “Yes.” In slow and precise movements, my dad held out his arms and squatted down five times. “I’ve already done eighty. It feels good to feel my thighs burn again.”

  “Wow, Dad, be careful that you don’t overdo it too soon.”

  “Wanna see what else I can do?”

  “Sure.”

  Bending forward, my dad planted his palms on the floor and raised his legs in the air. Doing handstands had always been a signature workout move for him and to see him find the balance with his new arm and legs made me almost tear up. Panting hard, he was putting most of his weight on his right arm and only supporting with his new arm. He didn’t look as secure as he used to but he managed to stay on his hands for ten seconds before he came back to stand on his feet.

  I clapped my hands with excitement. “That’s amazing, Dad. I’m so proud of you.” I wanted to hug him but he shook his head with a large grin.

  “Don’t, sweetie, I’m soaked in sweat. You just wait and see, soon I’ll be walking on my hands again.”

  “How long have you been working out today?”

  “A few hours.” Magni threw a nod to his physical therapist, who was packing up some equipment. “I want to go harder, but Mr. Careful over there says we need to be patient.”

  I gave the man a grateful smile. “Patience isn’t my dad’s strongest skill. He likes to push himself.”

  He nodded. “It will serve him well. He’s already ahead of schedule.”

  “Of course he is.” My mom was sitting on the edge of the boxing ring with her legs swinging. She patted the spot next to her, gesturing for me to join her.

  My smile stiffened a little and I fiddled with my hands as a nervous energy spread in my body. “Actually, I wanted to talk to you both about something important.”

  The physical therapist took the hint. “It’s fine. I’ll see you tomorrow morning at the usual time.”

  My dad raised his artificial hand to show he had heard the man, and walked over to get out a ball of water bubbles. “Are any of you thirsty?”

  “I’m good,” I said even though my throat felt dry.

  “What’s up?” My dad popped a few bubbles in his mouth and swallowed.

  “It’s about the tournament.”

  That made him turn and give me his full attention. “What about it?”

  “I’ve… I’ve decided that… ehm… that…” It was as if an internal barrier stopped me from finishing that sentence. All my life I had focused on pleasing others and it was impossible to speak words that I knew would cause pain to my loved ones.

  “Mila, are you okay?” My mom frowned and came to stand next to me.

  “Maybe it’s better if we go somewhere to sit down,” I suggested.

  “Vanilla Bean, what’s the matter?” My dad had a worried expression on his face.

  Just say it!

  “There’s no good way for me to say this.” My whole body was shaking and all instincts told me to change the subject or stay quiet.

  “Say what?” My mother came over to place a hand on my shoulder. “What’s going on sweetie?”

  Gathering my courage, I rushed out the words, “I can’t go through with the tournament.”

  There it was, out like a wrecking ball aimed straight at their hearts. My body was tensed up with fear and I closed my eyes expecting a huge wave of anger to come back at me.

  Instead I heard my mom chuckle.

  Opening one eye, I stared at her. Maybe she hadn’t heard me.

  “Mila, dear, it’s just nerves. Don’t worry. That’s normal.”

  I cleared my throat. “No, Mom. I really don’t want to be in a tournament where someone might get hurt because of me, and I don’t want to marry a stranger either.”

  My parents exchanged a long look.

  “I’ve made up my mind,” I emphasized. “I’m not doing it.”

  “You’re serious?” My mom’s light laughter was long gone.

  “Yes, I’m serious.”

  My dad’s face was already red from the workout, but he looked like he was about to explode. “How long have you known?”

  My right foot touched my left and I looked down.

  “Mila, do you have any idea what this means
? The amount of planning that has gone in to this and the number of fighters and spectators who are coming to town for this event? Not to mention the significance this tournament holds for our country. Khan’s campaign to win the presidency is already under pressure. Your tournament was going to be his chance to show everyone that he’s not selling out our culture. For fuck’s sake, Mila. Canceling it isn’t an option at this point.”

  Guilt weighed me down but then Raven’s voice came through, reminding me, You are stronger than you think, Mila. I raised my head and faced my parents. “I knew you would be upset, but isn’t it better that I tell you now instead of on the day of the tournament?”

  My mom touched my forearm. “Mila, I think you’re making a big mistake. Your dad is right. Too much is on the line.”

  “Mom, I’m not like you. I didn’t dream of a tournament since I was a little girl, and I don’t have a secret crush on the strongest man in the country.”

  Laura looked more shocked than angry, but my dad couldn’t stand still. “This is a fucking disaster.”

  I’d always hated conflict and seeing my parents this upset made me physically ill. My heart was racing, my mouth was dry, my stomach felt like someone had tied all my intestines into knots. I was a peacekeeper and it was my nature to make people feel at ease.

  It would be so easy to give in and go ahead with the tournament, but a conversation I’d had with Jonah months ago played back in my head. He’d argued that I needed to be better at setting my boundaries with people. In my mind I recited the pointers I could remember from that conversation,

  I’m allowed to say no.

  I’m allowed to disagree with others.

  I’m allowed to look out for myself.

  I’m allowed to feel whatever emotion I feel.

  Others are allowed to feel whatever emotion they feel.

  Their feelings and reactions are not my responsibility.

  I don’t have to defend my right to set my boundaries.