Remember

by Patricia Shanae Smith

  “This whole thing is so weird to me,” I said, my head on his chest as he caressed my arm with his soft fingertips.

  “What is?”

  “You, me, this. I never thought it would ever happen to me. If it did, I thought Piper would have paid someone to do it.”

  “Oh, she didn’t tell you before the play? She did pay me,” he said as he hugged me tighter.

  I got on top of him, smiling. He grabbed my butt. No one had ever touched my butt. I wanted to be uncomfortable, but I wasn’t. He stared deeply into my eyes and moved my bangs behind my ear. He tried to kiss me but I backed away, and he smiled. We teased each other for an hour until he couldn’t take it anymore. He started taking off my clothes.

  “Can we go slow?” I whispered.

  “We are going slow…” He kissed me.

  It felt great but I was incredibly nervous. Now that my clothes were off, I was really anxious about my dad calling my name and having to get dressed fast. I kept looking at the door.

  “I can lock it…” He got up.

  “Wait. Let me just check on him really quick.” I put on pajamas and looked at Ethan before I left my room.

  “Were you just staring at me?” I asked.

  He nodded.

  I went to go find my dad outside passed out in the sleeping bag. I smiled at him. I went to get a fresh beer ready for him when he got up. I kissed him on the cheek and ran back upstairs.

  “How is he?”

  “Sleeping.” I jumped on top of Ethan and started making out with him again. In all honesty, I wanted to do everything with him. I wanted to give Ethan my all. I wanted it to be like the movies, but Piper told me it never would be. It was hard to have this confidence but be scared shitless at the same time.

  “You think you’re ready?” He climbed on top of me and grabbed my underwear, basically asking me to take them off.

  I shrugged. “I guess…” I whispered.

  “Why do you want this?” he asked me as he was grinding on top of me with his boxers on.

  “Because I like you and it feels good…I think…”

  “You think it feels good?” he asked.

  I nodded.

  He slowly put his hands on my thighs. At first, his hands were freezing cold, so my legs jolted.

  “You okay?” He smiled.

  “Yeah, your hands are just cold. Is this weird for you?”

  “No…is this weird for you?”

  “No,” I laughed. He slowly put his fingers inside me and I felt like I was getting stabbed to death. My mouth silently screamed. It hurt so badly. I grabbed his wrists.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “What the hell is wrong with your fingers?”

  He started laughing against my breasts. “Nothing.” He showed me his hands outside the covers.

  “Why did that hurt so bad?”

  “Because you’re a virgin. It’s okay. It’s normal.” He put both of his hands on my face and kissed me. I didn’t forget the fact that one of his fingers was just inside me. But his kiss made everything okay. He was so reassuring—I wanted to give him more, but if that was what a finger felt like, I didn’t want to know what the rest would be.

  “Are you?” I asked.

  “A virgin? No. Does that bother you?”

  “No. At least one of us knows what we’re doing.”

  “We don’t have to do this, Portia. I just…I don’t know. I’m really falling for you.” It was just like the movies. The way he was staring at me. I never wanted this moment to end, but I had to hurry up before my dad woke up and finished his beer.

  “Just do it…let’s just get our first time over with.”

  “It doesn’t work like that.”

  “If Piper could do it in twenty-six minutes, I’m pretty sure I can, too.”

  “How do you know she did it in twenty-six minutes?”

  “She had to be home in twenty-six minutes. I was outside in the car waiting for her and she said hold on, she hadn’t done it yet. I thought I was going to be waiting there for an hour.”

  “And she was out in twenty-six minutes?” He laughed and I did, too.

  “She wasn’t about to get in trouble again for the fourth time that month.”

  “Let’s beat her record.”

  After it happened, he had to go home. I lay in my bed and cried for hours. I wanted Piper right next to me. I needed her. When Piper had lost her virginity, she said she felt like a slut and didn’t want to be alone. She slept with me that night and cried. I laid next to her.

  I didn’t feel any of that with Ethan.

  He was great. My first time was perfect. I felt comfortable, but guilty as hell.

  I wished Piper had felt like this her first time.

  I wished she hadn’t died.

  I wished I had gone to the play, because if I had, I would have taken her to the after party.

  No one had to die that night.

  It was all my fault.

  Chapter 9

  After weeks of Ethan and me getting closer and closer, Dad finally started warming up to him. I understood why Ethan wanted us to get help. I didn’t like it at first, but he just wanted the best for me. I couldn’t get mad at that. Honestly, it made me more attracted to him.

  Tonight, my dad and I were both going over to Ethan’s and we were going to have a session with his father.

  “Why are you making me do this again?” Dad asked.

  “Was there anything Mom wanted you to do that you didn’t want to do, but you did it anyway because you loved her?”

  “You love that guy?”

  “I didn’t say that, Dad.” I blushed.

  “You love me, right?” he asked while pounding his beer.

  “You love me, right?” I repeated.

  “Let’s get this shit over with.”

  I was just as nervous as he was. My dad was very unpredictable when it came to things like this. Mom never took him to any business functions or dinners because nine out of ten times he would embarrass her. Dad was a lot like me when it came to being quiet. I wouldn’t say it was anxiety, but it wasn’t his personality to talk with strangers about the weather or his kids. So, he would drink, and then he wouldn’t stop talking. Mom learned her lesson after the fifth time.

  I loved it because he got to stay home with me.

  “Can you walk any faster?” I asked as we crossed the street.

  “Nope,” he said, and walked even slower.

  I rolled my eyes and waited for him at Ethan’s front door. I rang the doorbell and then the rest was out of my hands.

  Mr. Torke opened the door. “Hi, Portia, Come on in.” I looked back at my dad and then looked back at Mr. Torke.

  “Hi, how are you? This is my father, Richard.”

  Dad looked so awkward shaking his hand. It was hard to watch. We walked into the living room.

  “Coffee? Tea?” Mr. Torke offered.

  “No, thank you.” Dad said.

  “Beer?” Ethan asked.

  “Yes.” Dad held out his hand.

  “Dad…”

  “It’s okay, I had a feeling,” Ethan gave him the beer he was holding. “You want one, babe?”

  “No, thank you.” I didn’t know much about relationships, but I did know it was inappropriate to day drink in front of your boyfriend’s parents. My dad didn’t care, whatever made him comfortable.

  “First…Portia, I want to talk to you, and your father can just listen,” Mr. Torke said.

  “Great. I’m really good at that,” Dad joked.

  I pressed my lips together and tried to fight off laughing but it didn’t really work.

  “Sorry, what did you say?” Mr. Torke asked.

  I looked at my dad to repeat it.

  “Nothing. Nothing, go on.”

  I shook my head. “He just said he’s a good listener. He’s not much of a talker.” I was incredibly nervous. My feet were firmly planted on t
he ground together. My hands were on my knees trying to stop them from shaking. Mr. Torke looked comfortable in his own home sipping tea. Ethan wasn’t in the room. I wished he was.

  “Just a drinker.” He laughed. My dad was acting like a complete fool—laying back with his arm on the armrest and the beer in his hand between his legs. He looked like he was about to turn the game on.

  “Dad, stop.” Now he was starting to embarrass me.

  “It’s okay. Ethan tells me you have a social anxiety disorder.” Mr. Torke turned his attention to me. I could tell he meant well, but he also thought my dad was crazy.

  “Social anxiety disorder? What the hell is that?” Dad looked at me as if he’d never heard that term in his life.

  “I just really don’t like attention, big crowds. I’ve always been like that. Right, Dad?” I wanted him to say something normal for at least a second.

  “Yeah…that’s the problem? I thought the problem was our grieving methods.” Dad didn’t know the whole truth about my issues because he couldn’t understand the whole truth.

  “We never thought that my social issues were issues. They’re just who I am,” I said.

  “I love you for who you are, always have. This is not a problem. They want to change you because he wants to…you know, take you out and do guy things…” Dad said, completely disregarding the fact that Mr. Torke was supposed to be the one talking.

  “It’s not like that, Dad. I can’t even go to school. I can’t do normal things. I just turned twenty and I’m nowhere close to being an adult, and that’s why they want to help me. They want me to be more independent and not be so scared of everything.”

  “And then what are you gonna do? Leave me.” I wasn’t expecting my dad to get so defensive about this. Suddenly, his demeanor changed. He sat up straight on the couch and turned to me.

  “No.” I put my hand on his leg to reassure him. I couldn’t even believe he was thinking this.

  “Just like your mother and your sister did. You want to leave our life for this. This fancy house. You want him to be your dad?” He pointed at Mr. Torke. This wasn’t fazing Mr. Torke at all. Mr. Torke was writing and sipping his tea. I guess he dealt with this all the time. I wasn’t even embarrassed anymore. I was hurt that my dad could think that.

  “Dad. Shut up.”

  “Portia. Portia. Portia.” I heard Ethan’s voice but I just drowned it out.

  “I’m going home.” Dad chugged his beer, threw it on the ground.

  “Dad, I’m sorry. They’re not trying to take me away from you. No one could ever do that. No one. Never. I am your daughter. But I want to be more than your daughter. I want to be more.” I grabbed his arm and turned him around. I was crying so hard. I didn’t care where we were or who was around.

  “For twenty years, you didn’t care about any of this. Boys, friends, outside life…” he yelled.

  “I changed.”

  “No, you didn’t. They changed you. I want my daughter back. Thanks for the beer.” He stormed out the front door, slamming it. I melted onto the floor of their living room and cried.

  “Portia, look at me. I’m right here…” It was Ethan, coming to the rescue. He put my head on his chest. With my head turned, I saw Mr. Torke, still writing.

  “What do you need right now?” Ethan cupped my face with his hands.

  “Can you take me on a walk?”

  “Of course.” He kissed my head.

  We walked in silence for twenty minutes. Our hands were locked but our arms were stretched out, putting distance between us. I was locked inside my own mind.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t think my dad was going to react like that,” I said.

  “What did he say?”

  “I don’t know how he could ever think I would stop being there for him and leave him like Mom and Pipes. I would never do that. He’s so used to me being there twenty-four seven. He was never the man of the house, Ethan. He was never the one bringing in the income and making sure everyone was okay. Mom did all of that. Dad literally just loved us, and Piper and I never had to question that like we did with Mom. We all kind of took care of him, as fucked up as that sounds. I’m the only one now. He knows that, so he thinks…I don’t know…”

  “I can take care of him, too.” He took a deep breath and looked over to the right side of the sky.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  “I don’t know what I was thinking with my dad, you know. I guess I’m jealous. My dad and I don’t have that kind of relationship.”

  “Well, your relationship with your father was probably like mine with my mother.”

  “Yeah, I guess I’m really close with my mom and it sucks being away from her.”

  “We should really stop being sad over things like that. We have people in our lives who we care about and who care about us. Not a lot of people get that, you know?”

  He smiled and nodded. We kissed.

  The next morning, I had to get up at seven because I had a test. After I was done, I felt good about it, but I still felt shitty about my father. I decided to learn how to make him a really fancy breakfast by watching YouTube videos. We had all this food in the house, but neither of us used it because we didn’t know how to cook. YouTube made the recipes look so easy—but they weren’t. I was making a mess. It wasn’t easy at all. I was trying to make French toast but I didn’t understand how they were making the eggs a part of the toast.

  They were going too fast.

  I did the best I could. That was more than enough for my dad to enjoy it. I took the tray up to his bedroom.

  “Daddy?”

  He was out cold. He had a mostly empty six-pack spilled all over the side of his bed.

  “Huh…”

  “Dad, get up, you spilled beer everywhere.”

  “I spilled beer? I thought I drank it all.”

  “I made you breakfast,” I said.

  He kissed my forehead. He smelled disgusting. Cleaning up his mess, I realized I was over it. I was over this life. I wanted him to put in more effort—help clean the house, not drink so much so we’d have money for real things.

  I was starting to sound like my mother.

  “I’m going to wash these,” I said as I was forcing him out of the bed to take off the sheets.

  “Let’s watch a movie,” he said.

  “I have a lot of stuff to do today, Dad. The house is a mess. The kitchen is a mess, and then I have to go to the store.”

  “Okay…can we watch a movie after?”

  “Sure.” There was a part of me that felt guilty about changing. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t even understand when it had happened. I loved spending time with my dad, and maybe I wasn’t doing it as often as before, but I had to take care of myself and the house. We couldn’t both get away with acting like this. I could never tell him that, though.

  I was complaining to Ethan via text. He made me feel good about wanting to clean up, but it still sucked having to do it every day. It was moments like this where I really missed my mother.

  Ethan met me at the store later that day.

  “How’s it going?”

  “I’m exhausted.”

  “You finish your homework?”

  I nodded.

  “You cleaned your house?”

  I nodded.

  “Well, I think it’s time for you to have some fun,” he said.

  Fuck. I told my dad I would watch a movie with him later.

  “You want to watch a movie with my dad and me?”

  He shrugged. “Will he be okay with that?”

  “Yeah, he’s going to fall asleep in the middle of the movie, I promise.”

  He smiled, kissing my forehead.

  When we walked out of the store, a man said to us, “How’s it going?” nodding as he went to go inside.

  “Good, how are you?” I asked, barely looking at him.

  “It’s a beautiful day today.” he said
as he walked past me.

  “It is.” I grabbed Ethan’s hand as we started to walk home.

  “Holy shit,” Ethan said.

  “What?”

  “You just talked to him.”

  “Are you mad? He’s just a random guy, just saying hi. He was nice.”

  “No, babe, you just talked to him. You never talk to strangers.”

  I hadn’t even noticed. A few months ago, I wouldn’t have even looked at this guy and kept walking.

  Who am I?

  Present Day

  “How long are we going to be doing this?”

  “Do you have somewhere to be?” she asked.

  No, bitch, I thought. I want to see my fucking Dad. I want to know why my fucking kitchen has blood on the ground. I need to get back to clean it up.

  “What do you want from me?”

  “I want you to tell me what happened.”

  “I told you what happened five years ago. I don’t remember what happened five minutes ago. I just want to see my dad.” I started crying again.

  “Portia, I need you to understand that if you walk me through what happened five years ago, then I can help you remember what happened five minutes ago, or more importantly, last night.”

  “Am I in trouble?”

  “Yes, you are, but I’m trying to help you get out of it. I can’t help you get out of this if you keep repressing memories.”

  “I don’t know what that means.”

  “How did you get your dad home from the hospital?”

  What did that mean? If I were in trouble, that meant I did something bad. I didn’t even talk to people or get involved in anyone else’s life. How could I be in trouble? This was Ethan’s fault. I didn’t know what he did, but he was the one who should be getting interrogated, not me.

  “Where is Ethan?”

  “With his father at the hospital…”

  “Great, he can be with his father, but I can’t be with mine.”

  Wait? With his father at the hospital?

  The baby, the blood, Ethan.

  He was there. Daddy was, too.