Remember

by Patricia Shanae Smith

  “I fell asleep at two.”

  “Where the hell were you two last night?”

  “Portia’s room.” I looked at her.

  “Did he text you after I fell asleep?”

  “Right after you fell asleep. We talked till four in the morning,” she said dreamily. She got so ahead of herself she forgot that Dad was right there. She looked at Dad and her excitement turned to fear. I sat still in shock.

  “You are grounded. Phone. Now.”

  “Are you serious, Dad? He’s the most popular boy in school, but not, like, a jock. He’s in the drama department and he invited me to the mall today,” she whined. This boy was the reason she had joined the drama department, not knowing she was going to fall in love with acting. I was totally on Dad’s side with this one. Who had conversations at two in the morning? I didn’t care who he was in high school.

  “You’re never talking to this guy ever again in your life.”

  “Dad. No.” Piper freaked out and shot up.

  “Sit back down. You better delete his number from your phone and all the text messages before I learn his full name.”

  Piper sat back and immediately started crying. As much as I hated seeing Piper cry, Dad was right.

  “Portia, you’re her older sister. You were with her. You knew better than to let her do this.” He glared at me.

  I shook my head. “You’re right, Dad. I should have known better.” I glared at Piper.

  “Shut up, Portia!” Piper yelled. She felt betrayed. She stormed off to her room.

  Three Years Ago

  I had to figure out a way to spend enough time with both my dad and Ethan. I had two people in my life now, and I was struggling. How the hell did normal people have friends, coworkers, family, and Facebook friends? I couldn’t believe I was saying this, but I wanted to talk to my mom. Juggling people was her thing. I knew I loved Ethan. I didn’t want to tell him yet, though, or mention him slipping it out the other day. I was only allowing myself to love one person, but I knew it didn’t have to be like that.

  “Hey, kid.”

  I was studying for finals. I couldn’t wait to be done with school.

  “What do you want for Christmas?”

  “What do you mean what do I want for Christmas?” I frowned.

  Dad sat across from the table with a beer and slid me one across the table. “What do you want?” he repeated.

  “You never ever got us gifts. Mom just wrote your name next to hers at Christmas. You haven’t gotten me anything these past couple years, so why now?”

  “I want to get you something this year. We actually have something to celebrate.”

  “What? Piper and Mom aren’t back.”

  “No, but you have someone in your life. You made a friend. You didn’t let him fuck up your schoolwork. This year has been a good one, don’t you think?”

  “I don’t want to celebrate Christmas.”

  “Come on…we have to get back to normal.”

  “Oh my God, now who’s acting weird.”

  “We still have some time. Also remember, Ethan is definitely getting you something for Christmas, so be prepared to celebrate it anyway.”

  I looked down. I didn’t even think about that. I’d never had to get a guy something for Christmas before, especially one I liked. What did Ethan even want?

  Ethan and I were in the living room, legs intertwined. He was going off on some rant. I couldn’t pay attention because all I kept thinking about was what I was going to get him for Christmas. I’d also been feeling differently lately. I wished I could explain it better. I wished I could talk about how my head felt funny. I wished I could understand why I had so much energy. It was like I was happy, but I definitely wasn’t, because there was no way I could be happy without Piper. I did miss my mom, but I could definitely be happy without her. It wasn’t because of Christmas, either.

  “How are you feeling?” Ethan asked.

  “Why do you keep asking me that?”

  “I just asked you right now.”

  “You ask me every time you see me.”

  “Well, I got over saying ‘how are you’ because I know how you are, but I never know how you’re feeling,” he explained.

  “You should. You’re my boyfriend.” I’d never get used to saying that. I kissed him. I’d never get used to doing that, either.

  “What did you and your dad do for Christmas last year?”

  “What we do every day. Christmas was always Mom and Piper’s thing. Dad and I always just…participated.”

  “I hope I don’t offend you, but it seems like you and your dad are more alike and Piper and your mother were more alike.”

  “We were all pretty different. Piper was close with Dad just as much as I am. Mom liked Piper better than me for sure, though.”

  “So, no Christmas, really? You guys don’t get anything for each other?”

  “Does beer count?”

  “It does,” he said, and I smiled. “Only if you put a bow on it.”

  I shook my head.

  “You guys are more than welcome to come over to my house. My mom is coming down.”

  “That’s awesome. I know how much you miss her. I’m so excited for you,” I said. I was legitimately happy for him.

  “So, is that a yes? I would love for you to meet her.”

  “I would love to meet her, too, but not on Christmas.” I kissed him. “Please try to understand.”

  He nodded and kissed my cheek.

  A big part of me wished I could be that girlfriend who came over for Christmas, met the entire family, and talked about school, the future.

  I wasn’t there yet.

  It wasn’t fair. I could meet his mom and sister and he would never get to meet mine.

  My dad and I were up pretty late the night before watching Christmas movies, so we were both sleeping in, especially since this was the only day where everyone thought was okay to sleep in for as long as you wanted. But someone was banging on the front door.

  “Portia. Portia. What the hell?” my dad yelled. I had run into his room out of habit—I was scared.

  “Daddy. Someone’s at the door.”

  “Then open it.”

  “Ethan never bangs on the door like that, he always calls first. Can you open it?”

  The banging continued. Dad struggled getting out of bed.

  “Look out the window, yell up who it is, and I’ll tell you if it’s okay to open it or not,” he said.

  “Okay.”

  “I’ll get dressed.”

  Waking up like that, I’d completely forgotten that it was Christmas. I opened the window blinds and saw Grandma with gifts in her hands.

  “It’s Grandma.” She was knocking again. It felt so early in the morning, but it was already noon.

  “Don’t open it.” Dad yelled down. I opened the door anyway.

  “Hi, Grandma,” I said, surprised.

  “Merry Christmas, munchkin,” she said, and threw herself at me.

  I closed the door, walking into the dining room to put all the gifts down. She looked around the house. It was a mess. I could have sworn I’d just cleaned.

  “I missed you so much,” she said, and hugged me tighter.

  “We missed you, too.”

  “We?”

  “Yeah…Dad’s upstairs. We just woke up.”

  “It’s noon, baby. I heard you got a boyfriend.”

  “From who?”

  “You know, around. Where is he?”

  “With his family across the street.”

  “You’re not over there?”

  “Nope. What’d you get us?” I went over to the gifts, hoping one of them would work for Ethan. She started looking in the kitchen to see if we were stocked up on food. We were.

  “Are you still in school?”

  I nodded as I started opening the gifts. One of the bags had three books in there. I picked them up and
read the titles aloud.

  “I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye?”

  “You’ll love that book. We just read it in our book club,” she said.

  “Cool. What’s this one? Living When a Loved One Has Died.” I didn’t even read the title of the third book.

  “Grandma. It’s been over two years. think we’re fine, but I appreciate it. I’ll read them anyway.”

  “Good. Sweetie, I’m so proud of you for staying in school, taking care of yourself, making friends. I never thought it would work out this long, but here you are…”

  “I told you…what is this?” I held up another package.

  “Just homemade cookies, tea, organic, healthy stuff,” she said, and looked around. It was really awkward.

  “Do you want me to get Dad?”

  “No…”

  “Well, I’m going to open up the rest with him…like a real Christmas.”

  “I wish I could have seen you last year. I wasn’t feeling too well.” She sat down on the couch. Was it bad that we hadn’t even noticed that Grandma hadn’t come by? She used to come over every Christmas when we were kids. Her voice was more somber than usual.

  “Are you dying, Grandma?” I honestly was joking.

  “No, honey, I’m not going anywhere.”

  I sat down next to her and she put her hand on my thigh.

  “Good.”

  “I was thinking I could stay here for a few days.”

  Fuck no.

  Hell no. There was no way. Dad would never allow it. I texted Ethan to call me whenever he had a chance. I doubted he would, though. He was probably having the time of his life with his mother. I didn’t say anything to her but I did get up to make her a cup of tea.

  Grandma made us dinner. It was nice to have a home-cooked meal—a real home-cooked meal that wasn’t chili.

  “Thanks, Mom. This was great.” Dad was done with his plate before Grandma took one bite.

  “Yeah, it was. You should come over more often,” I said.

  Grandma didn’t respond to dad.

  “Have you ever thought about getting a job?” she asked me.

  “I’m going into my junior year at UCLA. I don’t know how I’d be able to manage a job and school,” I said as I finished my plate. There was a knock at the door.

  “Now that’s Ethan.” I smiled at Dad.

  “Probably with a Christmas gift. Maybe you could give him one of these books,” he chuckled.

  I opened the door and I wanted to jump in his arms, but his arms were already around another woman. My mouth dropped. She was beautiful. She didn’t look like how I expected her to at all.

  “Portia, this is—”

  “Hi!” I couldn’t help myself. I just stuck my hand out. She shook it. They both had bags full of stuff. There were a dozen roses in Ethan’s hand. I didn’t even register that. I was still staring at his mom.

  “Wow, you’re the girl I’ve been hearing about for all these months. In the flesh,” she said. She didn’t look like any other mother I ever seen, more like a hot teacher. Makeup was great but not too much. They had the same icy blue eyes. Her hair was dark brown and down to her shoulders. She was wearing a Christmas sweater and Ethan was wearing a red flannel. My smile was so big. I didn’t think it was possible to be this happy meeting someone else’s mother.

  “It’s so nice to meet you,” I said. I helped them with the bags.

  “Here, Merry Christmas.” He smiled.

  I grabbed them and tears filled in my eyes. I took a deep breath.

  “Portia, don’t be rude. Invite them in,” Grandma said, but the house was a mess.

  “Sorry.” I moved out of the way and guided them in.

  “I don’t usually have…uh…” I didn’t know what to say.

  “Ethan has told me all about you,” she said.

  “You must be the boyfriend.” Grandma went over to Ethan.

  I could puke right now.

  “This is my Grandma,” I said, and Ethan hugged her. He had the hugest smile.

  “Merry Christmas, you guys.” Ethan told all of us and looked over at my dad. My dad nodded to him. The four us were chatting while my dad just sat at the kitchen table drinking. There was a lot of chatting and laughing. I couldn’t believe any of this. I felt weird after five minutes.

  We all went to sit in the living room. I gestured at my dad to join us, but I could tell he didn’t want to.

  “One minute,” I told them. I ran over to him.

  “What’s wrong?” I whispered.

  “I’m going upstairs. The game’s about to start.”

  “Ethan’s mom is here. Don’t you want to meet her?” I looked over at them. Ethan’s mom looked at me in confusion and then looked at Ethan. Ethan put his hand on her shoulder and looked down. I turned back to Dad.

  “This is all too weird for me, buddy. I guess I need to read one of those books Grandma got you, because I’m not ready for all this. Christmas. Not without my other daughter and my wife.” He was broken to the core. I felt so bad for moving on. I knew he was going to try to drink fast enough before the pain started. I hugged him. My eyes were watery. Half of me wanted to disappear with him and the other half wanted to join them in the living room.

  “I’m going to get them out of here. Grandma won’t stay, okay?”

  “I don’t think you can control it. I know that woman. She’s my mother,” he said.

  “I love you.”

  “I love you,” he said. He hugged me and kissed me on the forehead as he headed up the stairs, waving to Ethan as he went.

  “And hey, Dad?”

  “What?”

  “Merry Christmas.” I put a big smile on my face and traced it with my fingers.

  He just shook his head.

  Later that night, Ethan and his mom left. Grandma decided to walk them over, which didn’t make any sense, but I didn’t care. It got her out of the house—hopefully for good. I went upstairs to check on Dad.

  He was out cold. I plopped down on the bed next to him. I was upset he fell asleep so early, but not even five minutes later I was out as well. Talking and socializing was definitely exhausting.

  “Sweetie…sweetie.”

  I woke up to Grandma calling me. I was still in Dad’s room. I turned over to see if he was still next to me, but he was gone.

  “Grandma…”

  “I made you breakfast,” she said.

  “I thought you left.”

  “No. Ethan is downstairs. We want to talk to you.” I was so tired.

  “Grandma. It’s eight in the morning. Where’s Dad?”

  “Um…” She looked flustered “I made him take a shower like he’s seven years old,” she said.

  “I don’t even remember the last time he showered.”

  “Get yourself together and let’s go downstairs.”

  I went downstairs. Not only was Ethan there, but so was his dad. I should have listened to Grandma and made myself look presentable.

  “What’s going on?”

  “We think it’s a good idea for you to move in with me across town,” Grandma said.

  I giggled. I stopped and then giggled again, and then I giggled again waiting for someone else to fucking giggle. Who was “we”? And what made anyone think I cared?

  “You’re serious?”

  “Babe, hear me out. Your grandmother tells me that this family can thrive on selling this house. If we get it together, you move in with her. I’ll still see you every day. You can afford to graduate from UCLA.”

  “UCLA is not cheap, and neither is this house,” she said.

  I couldn’t say anything at all except laugh.

  “Portia, this is your life.” Grandma stepped closer to me.

  “Exactly. This is my life. What do they have anything to do with my life?”

  “We’re willing to help. I know a lot of realtors for this area,” Mr. Torke told me.

  “
Susan wants to help you as well.”

  “Grandma. Excuse my French, but fuck off. All of you.”

  Her eyes widened as she stepped back.

  “Dad. Dad?” I ran up the stairs.

  “What’s going on?” He came out of his room.

  “They want us to sell the house. Is it really that bad? Are we really falling behind? I’m not living with Grandma or Susan and I’m damn sure not selling this house.” As I realized everything they were saying, I started to panic.

  “Stop. Stop. I’m going to fix this. Right now. Stay up here.” He grabbed me. Looking into my dad’s eyes always calmed me down. I took deep breaths and leaned against the wall and screamed in my head. How could they take this house away from me? I knew there were adult decisions that needed to be made, but why now? Why on Christmas?

  “Everyone out of my fucking house right now. How fucking dare any of you come in here on Christmas and act like you care about my daughter with these gifts and sulky looks. Ethan, you should know better. You know my baby better than any of them. Get out of my house. Now,” Dad yelled.

  That wasn’t how I’d imagined he would handle it. He came back upstairs. His nostrils were flaring and he was breathing heavily. I’d only ever seen him get this mad at Piper. I looked up at him, wide-eyed.

  “Did they leave?” I whispered.

  “Give them an hour.” He sat down against the wall next to me.

  “So, we’re just going to sit here and wait?”

  He nodded.

  “We’re hiding in our own house,” I said.

  “At least it’s still our house.” He kissed my shoulder and got up.

  “Go do your schoolwork.”

  Chapter 11

  Present Day

  “When did you start getting sick?”

  “Which time?”

  “After the accident.” Elizabeth was flipping through her files.

  How did she have so much paperwork on me?

  “Like a cold? Or really sick?”

  “When did you realize there was a serious problem?”

  “It wasn’t until after Christmas,” I said.

  “What did you think it was?”

  “I had no idea. Ethan blamed my lifestyle. It felt like he was trying to convince me to change for years and me getting sick was a big fat ‘I told you so.’ Speaking of, can I have a cigarette?” I was cold. I was scared. I just wanted to see my dad.