Remember

by Patricia Shanae Smith

  “In a couple weeks. You have time, but not that much. Get this house together,” she said as she pulled out another cigarette. Thank God, that meant she was leaving.

  We were lying in my bed later that afternoon when I decided to tell Ethan about UCLA.

  “I’m taking a break from UCLA after this semester and our class.”

  “Well, when the baby is born…” he started.

  “I meant before.” I didn’t know how he’d react so I just waited

  “Like when? What do you mean before?”

  “We can’t afford it all,” I said.

  “But we talked about it…if I stopped going to SMC and I got this job. I don’t get it,” he said, sitting up.

  “I don’t either, Ethan, but, I mean, she’s paying for it. It’s her money, so, like, I can’t really argue. I’d rather keep this house more than anything.”

  “I’d rather you graduate from UCLA more than anything. You have one more fucking year. We can get an apartment, babe. You can get a job,” he said as he looked at me in confusion.

  “Yeah, yeah…no.”

  “You need to grow up, Portia, really fucking think about what you’re deciding to do.” Ethan sounded different, maybe not to anyone else, but to me, he was different.

  “I did think about it when I wanted to have an abortion. Because I knew we were going to be faced with decisions that I didn’t want to have to fucking deal with, but here we are,” I snapped.

  “We really need to figure this out. You’re going to have this baby in three months. I think we should see a professional,” he said.

  “Was that an idea from your father?” I asked suspiciously.

  “No, it wasn’t. I’ve just been thinking…”

  “About what?” I hated fighting with Ethan—but it kept happening.

  “Us. You. This family. It’s a lot…” he trailed off. There was something Ethan wasn’t talking about. I had been honest with him, but there was something Ethan couldn’t talk about with me.

  Ethan and I fought every single day leading up to the baby shower. I didn’t have the energy to clean the house, so Ethan did it—yet another thing we fought about. I felt so bad for my dad having to hear it all the time. He stayed in his room to avoid our fights. It was like he was scared to come out.

  “Daddy?” I brought him breakfast while Ethan was at work. It was the day before the shower and I was two seconds away from breaking up with Ethan.

  “Hi, buddy.” His room was a mess. Well, the house was so clean, this room looked especially messy.

  “Ethan is at work.”

  “The house looks really clean. He did a good job,” Dad said.

  “Yeah, I helped…a little,” I said.

  “You’re pregnant, baby. You don’t have to help. Sit down.”

  “I miss it just being us two. I love Ethan. I really do. I just wish we could go back to how it used to be,” I said.

  “I feel like we’re always wishing that for ourselves instead of appreciating what we have,” he said, and pulled me into his chest. I started crying. I was just so overwhelmed. At that moment, I didn’t want this baby. I didn’t even want Ethan. I wanted all of this to go away. Tomorrow, our house would be full of people. I’d never dreaded anything more in my life. I’d grown so much with my social issues, but I could feel all of them coming back. I didn’t want to speak to anyone. I didn’t even want to look at anyone.

  I slept all day and woke up at eight p.m. I couldn’t understand how that happened. I opened the door and peeked out into the hall.

  “Ethan?” I called. Dad wasn’t around. No one was.

  “Dad?” Nausea came rushing in hard. I ran straight to the bathroom. I was still so tired. I fell asleep on the toilet seat.

  “Babe? Babe?” I woke up to someone shaking me. I was so confused.

  “Oh my God. You’re okay. She’s fine. I’m so sorry. She woke up. She’s six months pregnant and I just found her passed out on the toilet but she woke up.” Ethan was on the phone with someone.

  “Who are you talking to?” I asked.

  “How do you feel?”

  “Fine. I just fell asleep.”

  “Okay…okay, thank you so much.” Ethan hung up the phone. “That was 9-1-1. I thought something happened to you,” he said.

  “Where were you?”

  “I was working and then I went to have dinner at my dad’s,” he said.

  “Ethan. It’s just been one of those days. I don’t want to fight. I want to go to sleep.”

  “I thought you were going to decorate the house today so you had less to do tomorrow,” he said.

  Shit. I’d forgotten. No, I didn’t forget. I’d fallen asleep. I didn’t want to tell Ethan I slept all day because he was going to think that I was drinking or smoking. I didn’t want to lie to him either, so I just didn’t say anything. I went straight to bed.

  “Are you drunk?” Ethan asked suspiciously.

  Jesus fucking Christ.

  “No, Ethan. Can we have one fucking night of us not fighting? I’m stressed the fuck out. I’m about to have a million and one people in this house tomorrow. I want to sleep,” I said.

  “I’m just wondering what you did all day.”

  “I can’t do this anymore, Ethan. I really fucking can’t. I really can’t deal with you anymore,” I snapped.

  “Oh, really?” he said sarcastically.

  “Tomorrow night, we’re reevaluating this fucking relationship. You can sleep on the couch or go back to your dad’s tonight.”

  He slept on the couch. I cried all night long. I couldn’t go to sleep after that. It sucked. I hated everything about my life. I missed Piper more than anything. I just knew she would be able to snap Ethan out of this funk. Whenever Mom and Dad fought in front of us and it became this huge family fight, Piper was the one who snapped everyone out of it by making everything about her, but it always worked.

  I woke up to Ethan putting up decorations. I started helping him but didn’t say anything.

  “You hungry?” he mumbled.

  I shook my head.

  “Okay.”

  All these decorations looked disgusting. Pink pompoms everywhere. Pink tablecloths. Balloons and banners that said Welcome Baby Girl.

  Today was supposed to be a happy day.

  “What are you going to do today?” I asked, looking at the decorations. Ethan and I could barely look at each other. He was so focused on getting the decorations perfect when he knew I could care less how they looked.

  “Uh…I don’t know. Set this up. Hang out with some dudes from school.” He shrugged, still not looking at me.“I’m not dropping out of UCLA,” I said. I didn’t know for a fact if that was the underlying reason for all of our fights, but I did feel like it would help.

  “What about Susan?” he asked.

  “What about her?” I went closer to him and took the pompom out of his hand, forcing him to look at me. “This is our family. We’ll figure it out. Just you and me. But UCLA is something that I can’t just let go of,” I said.

  “That’s really smart of you,” he said, and snatched the pompom out of my hands. Nope, that wasn’t it. He still had this look on his face like he hated me. I really didn’t want him to leave me with all these people, but I also didn’t want to be around this version of Ethan.

  “I just want to make you happy,” I said.

  “I am.” He looked up at me after he hung up the last pompom. “Susan is bringing over the rest. I’ll see you later.” He started walking toward the front door.

  “Ethan?” He couldn’t leave me like this. I hated all of this.

  “What?” He shook his head at me.

  I started bawling. I sunk to the ground and covered my face. He walked slowly to me and kneeled.

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” I cried, not having any idea what I was apologizing for. I covered my face as I broke down but he grabbed my hands and wiped my tears.
He looked me in my eyes but was silent. He was literally torturing me. He pushed my head into his chest and held me. I could feel his heart beating. It was racing.

  “Everything is going to be okay.” He took a deep breath. I really wished I could believe him.

  “What’s going on with you and your dad?” I asked.

  “What?”

  “Tell me the real reason your father doesn’t want you to be with me and have the baby.”

  He stood up.

  “Ethan. Do not lie to me.”

  “He doesn’t think you are mentally healthy enough to be a mother, and he doesn’t think I am mature enough to deal with you and be a father.”

  Well, duh.

  “I didn’t tell you because it doesn’t matter. It is what it is. He doesn’t get that but he will. Until then, I am going to be stressed. You are going to be hormonal. We are going to fight. We are going to hate each other at some point, but I love you, Portia Willows.” He grabbed my face and looked me in my eyes.

  “I love you, too.”

  “And I am happy. I am happy with you. I want all of this and I am willing to struggle as long as I need to just to make this work.”

  I was so emotionally exhausted I needed to sit down.

  “Can you stop crying and enjoy this day…please?” He sat next to me and grabbed my knee.

  I nodded, wiping my tears.

  “I’m going to go now before people start coming. Just remember everyone coming loves you and they are your family, they’re not strangers. If you can’t handle it at any point, your dad is upstairs and you can call me.”

  I nodded and sniffed.

  He kissed my forehead and then my lips. I instantly felt calmer and better about everything.

  Within an hour, my house was crowded. I felt sick. An anxiety attack was coming on and I didn’t know what to do. All of my mom’s friends were touching my stomach, smiling at me. Ethan’s mom couldn’t make it down from Florida. Of course, I wasn’t going to invite Sarah. I couldn’t talk to anyone. My voice felt locked. I couldn’t stand their high-pitched chit-chatting bullshit. I was stuck. I couldn’t leave. I was the center of attention. I couldn’t even keep track of all the questions they were asking.

  “Do you have a name picked out yet?”

  “What cravings are you having?”

  “Has she kicked yet?”

  “When are you due?”

  “How often are you sick?”

  “Are you guys staying in?”

  “How’s UCLA?”

  “Are you getting a job?”

  “You’re so lucky to have Susan.”

  “Piper would have loved to have planned this.”

  “Your mom would be so proud of you.”

  “You look just like your mother when she was pregnant.”

  My hands got clammy. A migraine was coming on. My breathing started to get touchy. I felt like I kept skipping breaths and my vision became blurry.

  “I’m going to use the bathroom,” I said, and rushed out. I fell to the floor, closing the door behind me. I leaned back against it. Deep breaths. I should probably go check on my dad. He could calm me down. I took a couple more deep breaths and opened the door.

  Maddie was standing there. She scared the hell out of me.

  “Hi…” I said.

  “Are you okay?” she asked.

  “Yeah, just had to pee.”

  “This must really suck for you.”

  “Being pregnant, or this baby shower?”

  “Both?” She smiled and giggled. “That’s something Piper would say.”

  “Yeah, this seems like a party she would enjoy,” I said.

  “No. She didn’t like your mom’s friends.”

  I looked at her in confusion. But Maddie had said that so confidently. I never knew that. There was something about Piper that I didn’t know.

  “I didn’t know that.”

  “She didn’t talk about it that much.”

  I looked down. I didn’t want to go back to the party.

  “Did you have to use the bathroom?” I wondered why she was still talking to me.

  “No. I was just checking on you.”

  “Oh. Thanks.”

  “You want to take a break from all this and talk?” she asked.

  I didn’t say anything.

  “I know talking is not really your thing.”

  “No, no, no. I’d rather just talk to you than everyone in there.”

  We went out the back and sat on the steps right outside. It was such a nice day. We should have had the shower out here. Our backyard looked so deserted. Sitting there with Maddie reminded me of all the times they would play out there, or Piper and I would play out there. We had a swing set and a trampoline. We had to sell them in a yard sale years ago, but looking out at the lawn, I could still tell exactly where they were.

  “Wow, dude…I don’t know how I would deal with all of that. I don’t even know how Piper would deal with all of that,” Maddie said after I told her how I have been feeling about this pregnancy and the fighting with Ethan.

  “I just can’t believe I got myself into this position in the first place,” I said.

  “Love. Love has this effect on people. It cures a lot, but it also causes a lot.”

  “I just want my old Ethan back.”

  “You’ll get him back. This is just a battle you guys have to get through—and you will, because you love each other.” She sounded like a fucking Hallmark card. She didn’t remind me of Piper because Piper would have given me real advice instead of something I could have read on the internet, but being around her energy made me feel like a normal twenty-year-old.

  Chapter 17

  The next morning, the house was a mess. What was the point of cleaning the house just to make it messy again? Some decorations had fallen. Cups and plates were strewn all over the place. The dining room table was filled with gifts. Ethan was making a fresh cup of tea. I didn’t even know where to start.

  “Do you work today?” I asked as I plopped down at the table. I started looking through all the gifts.

  “Nope, it’s Sunday.” Ethan sat down at the dining room table.

  “You want to help me open these gifts? It could be fun,” I asked.

  He nodded.

  “Can you give me a kiss?” I wanted to see if we were still good. He took a sip of his tea and scooted his chair towards mine. He grabbed my chin and kissed me. I sighed, tilting my head back.

  “What?” he asked.

  “I was really scared it was going to feel different,” I said. I took a sip of my tea, not taking my eyes off of him.

  “Why would it feel different?” He moved my bangs behind my ear and kissed near my cartilage. I put my hands in his hair and rubbed my thumb across his cheekbone.

  “Because you’ve been on edge and distant. I feel like I’ve been losing you. I miss you. I love you. I just want you back.” I grabbed his face and he kissed me back. “I guess this is what a real-life relationship is like, huh?”

  “I didn’t realize you felt that way. I didn’t know how much it bothered you. Arguing sometimes is healthy.”

  “Not every day,” I said.

  “It wasn’t just you. I’ve been so stressed at work, babe. I actually have a lot of responsibilities.”

  “I believe you. I want to help. I’m here for you. This is what girlfriends do. Just because I don’t do your homework for you anymore doesn’t mean I can’t help you with real life.”

  “Thank you, babe, that means a lot.” He kissed my cheek.

  “Let’s open these gifts…”

  Ethan and I got our groove back while we were laying out all the baby clothes and toys. Opening the gifts made me realize this was happening.

  This was really happening.

  I was actually having a baby.

  “You know normal pregnant girls open these gifts at the baby shower,” he said.


  “And apparently people play games at baby showers,” I said.

  “You didn’t do that either?”

  “Nope. Everyone just talked and talked and talked…but I had a good, long conversation with Maddie.”

  “Really?” He was more shocked than I would have thought.

  “Yup.”

  “What did you guys talk about?”

  “She told me something about Piper I never knew before. She didn’t really get along with my mom’s friends. Overall, I was fine by the end of it.”

  “I knew you could do it.” He smiled.

  “So, I’ve been thinking, we need to think of a name.”

  “You have one picked out.”

  “How did you know?” I asked.

  “Because I know you, and as much as you didn’t want this baby, I know you think about it late at night.”

  “I was thinking Pyper, but with a Y instead of an I. We could call her Pypes for short?”

  He was silent.

  My heart stopped. I tried to tell myself it wouldn’t be a big deal if he didn’t like it.

  “I think it’s beautiful…just like you,” he said, and kissed me again. It was a lot of kissing for how we’d been these last couple weeks. I straddled him and started kissing him more and more. He picked me up and I laughed.

  “Stop it. You can’t carry me—I’m so fat.” I hopped out of his arms, then grabbed his hand and guided him upstairs. He slapped my ass.

  “I missed you,” he said.

  I turned around. He grabbed my waist and ran to my bedroom, closing the door and throwing me onto the bed.

  Present Day

  “Do you remember delivering Pyper?” Elizabeth asked.

  My face was swollen and my eyes were clogged with dried tears. It felt like I wasn’t real. Like I wasn’t there at all.

  But I had to be there to find out what the hell was going on with me. It felt like my baby was being taken from me all over again. I couldn’t put my head around why. I didn’t remember her being taken from me the first time, so how was it possible to know what that felt like?

  “This isn’t about what I did or what my dad did. Is this about me and my sanity?” I whispered. I didn’t have the energy to talk any louder.