Worth The Fight

by Rachael Brownell

  Leaning over the sink, white-knuckle grip on the countertop, Liam's head is down, his eyes closed. I take the opportunity to study him for a minute. The hoodie he was wearing earlier has been discarded, leaving him in only a pair of sweatpants. Not that I mind the view. His sweats are hanging dangerously low. If he were facing me, I'm sure I could see the outline of his abs and the cut of his hips. His happy trail, one of the only places he has dark hair on his body, I like to tease him about.

  All of it leads down to a part of his body I shouldn't be thinking about.

  It's the look on his face that concerns me most. He appears to be in pain.

  Did he have the same look on his face when we were in the dark in his room? I hope not. I hope I'm not the reason for the pain.

  I clear my throat, and Liam's eyes pop open.

  "What are you doing up?" he asks, releasing the counter and straightening.

  "I should ask you the same."

  Moving around him, tempted to rub my body against his, I reach into the fridge for a bottle of water, then crack it open and take a gulp.

  "Couldn't sleep," he confesses, keeping his back to me.

  "Me either."

  Silence envelopes us.

  I know what's on his mind. It's the same thing on mine. The same reason I've been tossing and turning for hours.

  The sun will start to rise soon. Maybe it already has. The concept of time has escaped me. Then what?

  It's Saturday.

  Normally, it's laundry day. We toss our clothes in together. Let them tumble around in the dryer and then fold them as we watch a movie we've seen time and time again. Talk about mindless things.

  Thinking about my underwear getting caught up with his has my skin burning like I've been set on fire.

  "Are you hungry?" he finally asks, leaning back against the counter but avoiding looking in my direction.

  "Not really," I reply over the loud grumble in my stomach.

  Where did that come from? I swear my body betrays me at the most awkward moments.

  "Why don't I throw on a sweatshirt and we can go get some food."

  "Liam . . ." I have no idea what I want to say.

  No, I don't want food. That would be a lie according to the sounds my stomach is currently making.

  "Nothing has changed, Cass. It's just breakfast."

  He walks away before I can respond.

  What he doesn't realize is things have changed. My eyes are open. I'm seeing things in a different light. Nothing he says or does will be able to change that.

  You can't unsee things.

  You can't unfeel things.

  Against my better judgment, I follow him. He's already in his room by the time I catch up to him. He's about to pull his sweatshirt over his head when he spots me walking through the door and stops, his hands above his head, trapped in the sleeves.

  His abs on full display. The tiny path of dark hair standing out against his tanned skin.

  "What?"

  Words are not my friend. Nothing I can say will be able to express what I feel right now. Nothing is going to change my mind. Most importantly, words will only stop me from what I'm about to do, and I don't know if I want that either.

  So I take advantage of the fact he's at a disadvantage. Of the fact his sweatshirt is halfway on and he can't use his hands right now.

  Pulling his face down to mine, I kiss Liam like I need him to breathe. I put every emotion into that kiss. Every ounce of fear, desire, and confusion. I want him to feel it all. To take it all away.

  To put out the fire that's burning inside me.

  To satisfy the urges that are building.

  His initial reaction is shock. The moment it passes, something crashes across the room. I instinctively turn to find the source.

  Our lips disconnect only long enough for me to see his sweatshirt has landed on his dresser, knocking over a picture frame. The picture inside of us from college graduation.

  Liam's pulling me back to him, closer to him. His movements are frantic and so are mine. His hands are everywhere, switching from tugging at my shirt to slowing down and caressing my back. His lips are not as gentle. They're devouring mine.

  When his tongue swipes across my lips, begging for entrance, I groan, the sensation too much to handle, and I feel him smile as his tongue darts into my mouth.

  Wrapping my arms around his neck, I pull him closer and closer until there's no air separating our bodies. We're connected. We've become one.

  This might be a decision I'll regret later, but at the moment, it couldn't feel more right.

  When I feel my thighs bump into the mattress, my stomach drops and I go still. He notices, slowly backing us away from the bed and pressing me against the opposite wall. Lowering myself to the floor, the tips of my toes sore from standing on them so I could easily reach his lips, our bodies slide against each other.

  My shirt against his bare chest.

  My exposed stomach against the unavoidable bulge in his sweatpants. I'd really like that to be pressed against something else right now.

  The thought no sooner passes through my mind than Liam grabs my ass and lifts me, holding onto my thighs tightly. I wrap my legs around his waist, and he gives me exactly what I want, eliciting a moan from the depths of my soul that separates our lips and echoes through his room.

  "Fuck, Cass," he says, breathless as he rests his forehead against mine. His eyes are closed as he breathes in and out, his chest brushing against my breasts.

  He's pressed against me. Against my core. But he's not moving. I can feel his fingertips digging into the back of my thighs in an attempt to contain his urges.

  "Move."

  "What?" he asks, slowly opening his eyes and searching mine.

  "Move. I need you to move." I'm practically begging him to give me what I want.

  He releases his grip on my thighs, and I realize he's misinterpreted my request. Quickly grabbing onto his sides, I pull him back to me, and another moan escapes me.

  "I need you to move closer. Against me, not away from me. I want more, Liam."

  There's a fire ignited in his eyes, and then he does what I ask. Slowly pressing me against the wall. Pressing against the most sensitive part of my body. Over and over again all while staring in my eyes.

  It's the most unbearable feeling. Being so close to release but not close enough. Needing more. Wanting more. Afraid to ask for what I want because I know he'll give it to me.

  "Cass. I can't. I'm going to. I, um."

  His broken sentences spur me on. He's as close as I am. I've had the same effect on him as he's having on me.

  And that knowledge has me falling over the edge. That and the slight shift in his posture that had him pressing on the perfect spot.

  "Oh, God!" I yell as the first wave hits me.

  "Fuck!" Liam says through gritted teeth as he presses his body against mine one last time, holding it there.

  A sheen of sweat is covering both of our foreheads. Our breathing is erratic, and I can feel his heart beating against my chest, in rhythm with my own.

  As our breathing slows, Liam gently lowers me to the floor. I hold onto his shoulders while his hands rest on my hips until I'm steady. We stay like this for a few moments before he lowers his head and presses his lips against mine.

  Gently at first. Pulling back and kissing me again, more intently. Then again, this time with more passion.

  Before I know what's happened, I'm off my feet again and pressed against the wall. We're right back where we were, and my need is beginning to build again. Liam's body has me trapped against the wall, and he's captured my lips.

  Pushing against his chest, he gets the message and pulls back, setting my feet on the floor.

  "I'm sorry," he says.

  "For what?"

  "That was intense. I shouldn't have—"

  "Given me what I asked for?" I ask, finishing his sentence.

  "Well, no. It's just . . ."

  "Yeah, it was intens
e. It was also fucking amazing."

  The words slip past my lips before I can stop myself. I'm obviously high on endorphins. There's no other way to describe the way I'm feeling right now. I don't think my body has ever reacted that intensely to anything or anyone.

  A slow grin begins to spread across Liam's face. A proud grin. But it's fleeting.

  "We should get breakfast. I promised to feed you," he quickly says, stepping away from me and retrieving his sweatshirt, standing up the picture frame that was knocked over in his haste to get it off.

  "In bed," I hear myself say.

  "What?" Whipping to face me, Liam once again has his sweatshirt halfway on and a confused look on his face. This time I let him pull it over his head before I attack him with my lips.

  He's going to take it off again at some point. I'll make sure of it. I prefer his toned abs pressing against me versus an old college hoodie.

  "Cass, this is going to lead to other things if you keep kissing me like that," he threatens, but it lacks the conviction I'm sure he was going for.

  "A girl can only hope," I retort, kissing him on the lips playfully.

  "You do realize I would do anything for you, right? Give you anything you want. Take care of your every need and desire. But if I do that, there's no turning back, Cass. Once I have you, I'll never give you up. Hell, we've only kissed, and the thought of someone else touching you has me want to punch things."

  "Possessive much," I joke, moving my lips along his jawline, continuing to pepper him with kisses.

  "Yes. When it comes to you."

  "Does that mean you don't want to have breakfast in bed?"

  "If you want to eat, we should probably do that in public. If you keep doing that, we may never leave the apartment again."

  "Promises, promises."

  Liam laughs, his Adam's apple bobbing against my lips.

  "You're going to get yourself in trouble, Cass."

  "I sure hope so. That's what I'm going for."

  Pushing me away and holding me at arm’s length, Liam smiles at me before loosening his grip and gently kissing me on the lips. His lips linger longer than necessary, barely grazing mine.

  More.

  It's the one word that keeps coming to mind.

  More of him. His touch. Of his lips. Of the feeling that builds inside me when his hands are roaming my body. When our bodies are pressed together in the most delicious way.

  The moment is killed when my stomach growls, demanding food.

  "Food first, and then I'll keep every promise I've ever made to you."

  Taking my hand, Liam pulls me from his room, my gaze catching the picture of us at the last minute. Donning our cap and gowns, Liam has his arm wrapped around my shoulder. We're smiling at the camera. Pure joy radiating from both of us.

  That was a magical day. One we celebrated together. And at the time, I didn't think there would be any other moment that could top the way I felt that day.

  Then I kissed Liam. The second time. And he kissed me back.

  Chapter Ten

  In all the years we've been friends, I've never been more aware of the way Liam looks at me. His stare is intense. Consuming. Overwhelming.

  And it's only been a few minutes since we sat down.

  Bringing the coffee mug to my lips, I blow across the surface of the cream-colored liquid in an attempt to cool it slightly while staring into Liam's eyes. He mimics my actions before taking a large sip.

  The tension between us is thick.

  There are a million and one things running through my mind right now. All of them about him, about what happened back at the apartment, and about what happens next. There's a sense of excitement coursing through my veins. Excitement for the unknown. The unexpected.

  Then there's the fear.

  That's even more overwhelming than the way he's looking at me. Than the way his thumb is caressing my palm, sending every sensation in my body into overdrive.

  "Tell me what you're thinking," he finally says, placing his mug on the table and wrapping both of his hands around mine.

  What am I thinking?

  That I want to climb in his lap and kiss him right now.

  That the way he's looking at me makes me feel special, like I'm the only person in the room, in the entire world, that matters.

  I'm thinking about how amazing he is. How he treats me like a princess and always has.

  The problem with all the good thoughts running through my mind is for every positive, I can find a negative. The negatives cause a chill to run up my spine.

  He's my best friend, and I may have just ruined that.

  I crossed a line with him, and that can never be undone. There's no going back after this. That I don't want to go back.

  My biggest fear, though, is that I might lose him.

  Without him in my life, I have no one.

  No one will be there to have my back when I need them. To laugh with me when I really want to cry. To hold me when the tears finally do come. To kick my ass when I need it or help me up when I fall.

  Losing Liam is not something I think I'd be able to survive.

  So the question of the hour is not what's on my mind, it's what am I willing to risk?

  Because at the end of the day, being with Liam is risking everything. Our friendship. My heart. My past and my future.

  I love Liam. I always have. As a friend. As my partner in crime. The person I call when I need to be cheered up or a shoulder to cry on.

  If I can't love him as more than that, I need to put a stop to this right now. If I don't, there's no way I won't screw up what we have.

  Because it's not a simple matter of what I want. It's not about how good he makes me feel and how much I care about him.

  "Cass, I can see the wheels turning. Tell me what has you shaking."

  Looking down to where our hands are joined, I see the slight vibrations. Taking a deep breath, I attempt to calm my nerves before answering him, but I don't get a chance.

  "I'm scared too. This is . . . it's a delicate situation. The last thing I want is to lose you, Cass. I'm not sorry about what happened. I wouldn't trade that moment with you for anything in the world."

  Me either.

  I want to say the words, but I can't find the strength to speak.

  "We don't have to do this. Things can go back to the way they were. You're still my best friend, Cass. You always will be. This doesn't change anything. I swear."

  He's backpedaling. He's afraid of losing me too.

  All I can do is nod at him as the waitress interrupts to take out order. Liam removes his hands from mine, and I feel the loss of his touch deep in my soul.

  Sure, he says we can go back to the way things were, but can we really? Because if I'm honest with myself, I'll never forget the way his lips felt against mine. The way I fit perfectly against his body. How loved I felt in his arms.

  I can't let go of how much I want him right now.

  "I can't go back," I blurt out when the waitress asks for my order.

  "I'm sorry. Can we have another minute?" Liam's asks the waitress who looks utterly confused before walking away.

  "I can't go back, Liam. I'm sorry. I don't think I want to."

  "Are you sure?"

  "No." My brutal honesty surprises even me. "This is scaring the shit out of me."

  "Cass, I think we should take a few days. Figure out what we both want. There's a lot to take into consideration, and there's no need to rush into something. I'm not going anywhere, and neither are you."

  Right. I'm stuck here. Living with him because I don't have anywhere else to go.

  "Okay," I mutter, wrapping both of my hands around my coffee mug when he reaches for me.

  If we're taking a few days, I can't touch him. I have to figure this out for myself. Figure out what I want. What I'm willing to risk.

  "Cass, I need to ask you something, and I want you to be honest with me."

  "Always," I reply on instinct. I've always been
honest with Liam.

  "Why?"

  "Why did I kiss you?"

  "Yeah. I mean, I know you're in a dark place right now. You were drinking. I know a lot of shit has been going on. If that's the reason, that's fine. But if there's something else, something you're not telling me . . ."

  His voice trails off, but I don't need him to fill in the missing words for me.

  He wants to know if I have feelings for him.

  "I don't know. I mean, yeah, things have been crazy lately. My emotions have been all over the place. The one thing that hasn't changed is you. You've always been there. I'm not sure if I did it because I thought it would ground me or because of something else. I know that's not what you want to hear, and I'm sorry, but it's the truth."

  "I don't think that's it at all. I saw the look in your eye, Cass."

  Fuck him for knowing me so well. For being so observant.

  "If you're asking me if I felt something, the answer is yes. I felt everything."

  He hesitates and then finally asks, "Was it the alcohol?"

  "No."

  He tries his best to cover it, but I see the relief as it washes over his face. I can feel the uneasiness in the air slowly dissipate only to be replaced by a sexual tension as we eat in silence.

  Liam holds my hand the entire ride back to the apartment, caressing my knuckles with his thumb, an ache growing inside of me. The need to kiss him threatens to cause me to break.

  It's affecting him too. He's gripping the steering wheel with his other hand, his knee bouncing while we wait for the light to change. We're only a few blocks from the apartment when my nerves kick into high gear.

  We're about to be alone again.

  Behind closed doors.

  Where anything could happen.

  And judging by the growing need inside me, something is going to.

  Climbing the stairs to the second floor, I stay a few steps behind Liam. The idea was to form a plan, but I got distracted looking at his ass.

  It's a nice ass. Perfectly round. Not too big or small. I bet it's firm too. It looks firm. Solid like the rest of his body.