The entire drive home I was worried that everything Sasha insinuated wasn't real. That Liam didn't love me. That everything happening between us was only lust. That the decision I had made was wrong because the risks outweighed the rewards.
Hearing the pain in his voice at the thought of losing me confirmed everything I already knew. Everything I wanted to believe but refused to let myself.
Self-doubt is a bitch.
It's also part of life.
And I have a tendency to focus on the bad instead of the good. To see the darkness instead of the light.
It's not something I do by choice. I wasn't always like this. My parents’ death took its toll on me, and it took a long time before I could see any positive in a world that would strip a teenager of her entire family in one night.
But I want to see the good.
I want to focus on the positives instead of the negatives.
And it's going to start now. Because I only have one shot at this, and I don’t want to screw it up. So I need a minute to compose myself. To get my thoughts together.
Confessing my love for Liam isn't going to be easy, but I can do it. I want to. I'm ready to take a chance on a life with him that has us crossing the boundaries of friendship. Because at the end of the day, there's no one else I'd rather take this leap with.
And when I walk into the living room to find him pacing back and forth, wearing a pattern into the rug in front of the couch, I know I'm making the right decision. Because he cares as much about me as I care about him.
"I love you," I start, my words bringing him to a stop facing away from me. "It scares the shit out of me, and there's no telling what will happen, but I know that if there's anyone in this world that I'm willing to risk everything for, it's you."
Turning to face me but not moving any closer, Liam stares at me in surprise.
"I didn't run away from you. I ran away from what I was feeling. I was scared shitless of losing you. I still am."
"You'll never lose me, Cass. I've loved you from day one, and I'll never stop loving you. I can promise you that." Taking a tentative step toward me, he continues, "This isn't going to be easy, we both know that. You're the only person I've ever truly let in. The only person I've ever wanted to know me. I've always been honest with you, and I always will be."
I want to argue with him. To tell him he has lied to me. That he kept his feelings to himself. Right now none of that matters because he's standing in front of me, looking at me with hope in his eyes. And all I want to do is kiss him.
So that's what I do.
Chapter Thirteen
We're taking things slow.
Slower than I'd like.
According to Liam, it's necessary. I get it, I do, but if he's going to walk around without his shirt on all the damn time, I'm going to lose my patience with how slow things are going.
Basically, he's going to get jumped.
It's amazing to me that less than a week ago, I was scared of this. Of the way I feel for him. Of ruining everything we had and losing him. Because that's the furthest thing from my mind these days.
Probably because he's shirtless. Again. And all my brain can focus on is finding out what's hiding below the waistband of his low-hung jeans. Of licking the curves of his abs. Popping the button on his jeans with my teeth. Riding—
"Cass." Liam snaps his fingers in front of my face.
Caught. Again. Staring at him. Admiring the view. Swooning. Call it what you want, I feel like a cat in heat.
I've never thought about sex this much in my life. Not with any of the guys I've been with. None of them got my motor running the way Liam suddenly does.
It has to be the fact I can't have him.
You always want what you can't have, right?
"That's it," he says, unwrapping his arm from around my shoulder and pushing off the couch. "I'm putting a shirt on, and we're leaving the house."
"Why?"
"Because I can see your thoughts, and as much as I'd like to give you what you want, we both agreed to take things slow. You're making that hard when you look at me like that."
"I'd rather make something else hard," I mutter quietly to myself.
"What?"
"Nothing."
Liam decided to take the week off work so we could spend quality time together. And we have. We also haven't left the house for three days. We've watched every movie we could agree on. Cooked meals together. Talked about anything and everything.
Cuddled.
Made out like horny teenagers.
Slept in his bed every night, me wrapped in his arms.
But we haven't gone beyond that.
Our clothes have stayed on the entire time.
I'm not the only one it's getting to either. I caught him sniffing my underwear the other day. Literally sniffing them.
It was his turn to switch the laundry and bring in the clean load to be folded. I went to see what was taking him so long, and he had my favorite pair of underwear up to his nose, his eyes were closed, and he was breathing deeply.
I wanted to laugh, but it kind of turned me on. Instead of calling him out on his weakness, I backed away slowly and went back into the living room to wait for him. I'll tell him I caught him one day. It's too good of a story not to share, but the moment has to be perfect.
Liam returns wearing a polo shirt, and I'm sad that his amazing body is hidden but excited to visit the outside world for a change. All the sexual tension that has been building between us is suffocating. Maybe getting out will be good for us.
It can't be bad, right?
"Ready?" he asks, looking at my bare feet.
"Where are we going?" I slip into my sandals, then Liam offers me a hand to help me off the couch.
"I was thinking we could grab a bite to eat at the bar and then maybe stop at the popcorn store down the street so we have a snack for movie night tonight."
We're debating what movie to watch as the elevator slowly descends. Liam makes a smart remark about not being tricked into another chick flick, so I smack him lightly in his abs. It's enough to spark the fire inside me, and when I look up, I see the fire burning brightly in him as well.
His lips are on mine before I can process what's happening. My body is trapped between the wall of the elevator and Liam. His hands hold my face while he devours my lips.
There's nothing gentle about this kiss.
It's needy. Passionate. Sexual.
And I want more. More of him. Of his body pressed against me. Of his hands on my bare skin.
I vaguely hear the sound of the elevator doors sliding open when Liam removes one hand from my face and begins pressing buttons. The elevator is moving again. Upward this time. Taking us back to the apartment.
When the doors slide open this time, Liam lifts me, and my legs automatically wrap around his hips and my arms around his neck. He walks toward the apartment, our lips never breaking contact. When we reach our door, instead of going inside, he presses me against it and slows down his assault on my lips.
"Cass, I want you so much, but I really think we need to stop here. We're not taking this slow. Hell, we skipped ten steps by living together before dating. I don't want to screw this up."
I get it. I do. If there's anything we've agreed on since taking the plunge, it's that we want to do this right. Slow isn't working for us, though. It's making both of us do crazy things.
"Liam, I swear to God, if you don't take me inside and put us both out of our misery, I will never forgive you. You act like we've known each other for five minutes instead of twenty-six years."
I expect him to smile at me. To laugh at my words, not that I was joking. I really do want him to reconsider taking things slow.
Neither of those things happens. Instead, he silently unlocks the door, pushes it open, and carries me inside to his bedroom. Neither of us speaks as he slowly undresses first me and then him. Once we're both in only our underwear, I finally find my voice, which is surprising consid
ering the bulge he's unable to hide through the fabric of his boxer briefs.
"This changes everything," I say, attempting to keep my nerves at bay and my eyes focused on his.
He only nods and takes a step toward me.
"There's no turning back."
"Nope," he replies as he places his hands on my hips and gives me a light squeeze.
"Are you sure you're ready for this?"
I'm asking him the question I should be asking myself. Because suddenly I'm not sure I am. I know I want him. I know I love him. I know a lot of things, but I'm not sure I know if I can handle what happens next.
"This is a moment I've been thinking about for a long time, but I'm not ready. I'll never be ready. There are moments in life you can prepare for and moments you can't. This isn't a moment you can prepare for, Cass. This is one that surprises you when it finally happens. One that causes a sense of panic to settle in the middle of your chest because you've hoped for it for so long and, now that it's finally here, you are scared out of your mind that you're going to screw it up.
"But we won't. And if we do, we can always try again. So, no. I'm not ready for this, and neither are you. I pictured this as a special moment. There would be candles and flowers and everything you see in those damn movies you've been making me watch. But at the end of every scenario, there's only one thing in common. The two most important things. You and me. Together. And here we are."
Fuck!
I'm not sure if he was trying to make me feel better or feel bad. I'd love all those sweet things, but all I really want is him. He's all I need.
A week ago, being with him never would have even crossed my mind, and now it's all I can think about. I stare at the TV screen, pretending to watch whatever movie we've put on, but my mind is somewhere else. It's imagining every possibility. Every scenario. What the next day holds, the next week.
Where we could be a year from now or ten years from now.
I've tried to reign in my thoughts. To keep from getting ahead of myself and taking things one day at a time.
It's not working. My imagination is running at warp speed with no signs of slowing down any time soon.
Liam runs his hands up and down my sides, his thumbs brushing the underside of my bra and the top of my underwear. I know he's waiting for me to answer him. To reply to his statements.
"What if," I begin because I have no idea what to say, yet stalling seems like the only option. "What if we make it a point to plan this. For both of us to put in the effort to make it everything we want it to be. To make it as perfect as possible. Because, yeah, we could screw it up and try again, but honestly, we only get one shot at our first time."
"We can do that," he replies quickly, his hands continuing to roam my body. "When were you thinking?"
Good question.
I was thinking right now, but I just killed that option.
"We have Sasha and Kevin's wedding tomorrow, so what about the day after? Sunday night."
"I think I can wait that long. How about we go on a real date. We leave the house, go to dinner, maybe find something fun to do after."
A real date. With Liam. I never thought about it. We've gone a lot of places together, done a lot of things. Sometimes in groups and sometimes just the two of us. We've probably been on a hundred dates over the years, but we never called them that. We were just hanging out.
Will this feel the same? Or now that we've given in a title, will it be different?
I'm thinking the latter.
Everything else between us has changed. Not all in a major way, but still, things have changed. I feel it.
I'm just as happy to see him every morning as I was before, but now I look forward to having coffee with him. I look forward to waking up next to him instead of running into him in the hallway. I'm more aware of my morning breath in case he wants to kiss me.
And I'm definitely more aware of when I shave my legs.
"I like it," I finally say, pushing up on my tiptoes and pressing my lips against his.
"Now I just have to make it through tomorrow," he mumbles against my lips.
When I pull back and give him a curious look, he only smiles at me.
"What has you worried about tomorrow?"
"You'll be wearing those damn shoes again. The last time you wore them, I couldn't help but stare at your legs all night long and wonder what it would feel like to have them wrapped around me. Now that I know how amazing that is, I'm going to have a hard time keeping my hands to myself."
His confession is adorable and causes me to laugh.
The shoes in question are fantastic, don't get me wrong. Three-inch black heels that clasp around my ankles, bringing me closer to his height, but I still fit under his chin. My favorites. And the thought of him having a hard time keeping his hands to himself because of them—
Shit!
My laughter fades as I realize I won't be wearing those shoes tomorrow.
"That's a bad idea," I state firmly, taking a step back.
"What's a bad idea? The heels?"
"If you're going to be all over me, yes."
"What's the problem with that?" he asks with a smirk, closing the little bit of distance I've put between us. The mattress presses against the back of my knees when I attempt to match his step.
"No one knows about this," I explain, motioning between us.
"And you don't want them to?"
"It's not that at all. I just don't think a wedding is the best place to announce it to everyone. Especially if the way we announce it is by groping each other on the dance floor."
Pressing lightly against his chest, I take a seat on the bed and scoot back. Liam grabs my ankle, pulling me to him. Positioning me the way he wants me, he crawls between my legs, placing his body as close to my center as possible and leans in to speak his mind.
My hands instantly go to his shoulders, ready to wrap my body around his, but that's not in the plan. That would lead to other things. Things we just decided to put on hold for a couple more days.
"I don't care who knows or how they find out," he whispers into my ear before nibbling on the lobe. "I'll happily hire someone to skywrite it if you want."
His lips move down the curve of my neck and up my jawline.
"As far as I'm concerned, it's no one’s business but ours."
Kissing the corner of my lip, I smile when I realize he's turning himself on as much as he's turning me on. His arms are beginning to shake from balancing his weight so he doesn't crush me beneath him. His resolve’s weakening as he presses against me.
"The only people whose opinion matters are in this room right now. So if you don't want me to hold your hand or kiss you tomorrow, I won't. Just know that I don't agree with it."
His words are sealed with a kiss, and then he pushes off me, standing and adjusting himself at the edge of the bed.
"You're a horrible tease, you now that?"
"I do. So are you. You should probably put some clothes on if we're going to wait this out a few more days."
I flip Liam off as he tosses my discarded clothes at me, then slip them back on. He's doing the same but leaves his pants unbuttoned and disregards his shirt.
If I thought him without a shirt on was sexy and distracting, the fact the only thing holding his pants up is the bulge he's still sporting might just be the death of me.
"I promised to feed you, and I like to keep my promises."
Extending his hand to me, Liam pulls me off the bed and out of his bedroom, never releasing his grip. As I slip into my shoes, Liam buttons up his pants and pulls on a T-shirt he left hanging over the back of the barstool. We're out the front door and in the elevator moments later.
The ride down is quiet as is the walk around to the entrance of the bar. Once we're inside, I finally break the silence.
"Can you order me a diet? I need to use the bathroom," I lie.
What I really need to do is take a look at myself. It occurred to me when we rounded the corner a
nd a breeze blew that my hair might be a mess. My makeup could be smudged.
People might look at me and think we just had a roll in the sheets.
The thought alone heats my cheeks.
Liam nods as I release his hand and walk down the dark hallway in search of a mirror. As soon as I cross the threshold into the bathroom, I'm relieved to see I look rather put together in spite of recent events. My hair is a little wild, but I tame it with my fingers, pulling it back into a ponytail.
Happy with my appearance, I exit the bathroom and go in search of Liam. The table he normally likes to sit at is vacant. Glancing around the mostly empty bar, it takes me a minute to spot him, but when I do, my heart drops and my stomach begins to churn.
He's talking to the girl who was his date to my wedding. The same girl he left at the church when he rescued me. She looks irritated, her arms crossed over her chest. If her breasts were any bigger, they would pop out of her low-cut tank top.
Not a problem I have. My chest is far from flat, but my boobs aren't big enough to threaten to spill out of my top when I cross my arms either.
Their encounter is short, and before I realize it, Liam is standing in front of me with a devious grin on his face.
"You look mad, Cass. What's wrong?" he teases.
"You tell me. She doesn't look happy with you."
"She's just jealous, that's all. You have what she wants."
"You're full of yourself today, aren't you," I state with disinterest as I head toward the table that now has my diet soda and a glass of water waiting for us.
"Not at all. That's what she said. She saw us walk in together, saw us holding hands, and assumed I left her for you."
"But that's not what happened," I reply defensively as I take a sip of my soda.
"Does it really matter? I was honest with her from the beginning that I was in love with someone else. She knew it was you the moment she saw us together."
He's said it more than once this week, and I'm sure he'll say it again. He's loved me for a long time but was waiting for his chance. Patiently. Hoping that one day he might be able to be more than my friend.
Worth The Fight Page 11
