Trick of the Light

by Fiona McCallum

  ‘That’s what he said. He all but begged me to take the job. And I can’t stop thinking about it – in a positive way. It’s the only job I’ve been remotely interested in. And he’s offering fully furnished accommodation as part of the package, so it would have worked perfectly. Except for Dad. I can’t leave him.’

  ‘And even if it wasn’t too far to come back to visit, you’d need to stay focussed if you’d just started a new job. Trying to keep a foot in two places would be damned near impossible,’ Michelle said.

  ‘Hmm,’ Erica said, bringing the ad up on her phone. ‘Look at the gorgeous building. There’s a fully furnished flat upstairs. I could have rented this place out. It would definitely cover the mortgage – especially if it was fully furnished.’

  ‘Could you, though, I mean have strangers in your home with all your stuff?’ Renee said, gazing around. ‘No, sorry, not helpful.’

  ‘Honestly, I’m not attached to the house. Or anything much in here. Well, not really.’

  ‘Well, you wouldn’t be while it feels like a noose around your neck, I imagine,’ Steph said.

  ‘It’s the memories that are important and you take those wherever you go,’ Michelle said.

  ‘I would have been happy in something smaller from the start. But Stuart wanted to impress and, to be fair, he did have clients he needed to show off to, for want of a better term. I did see that it would be hard to convince someone you were successful and to invest if you lived in a hovel or drove a shitbox of a car. Though, of course I don’t know now what was real and what wasn’t. So, scrap that. Listen to me justifying Stuart.’

  ‘Well, you loved him. And you didn’t know,’ Steph said.

  ‘Yeah, giving yourself a hard time won’t achieve anything,’ Renee said.

  ‘So, this job,’ Michelle said thoughtfully, ‘would you take it if it were not for your dad?’

  ‘In a heartbeat. I actually think I’d be really good at it. And I love the idea of doing makeup for more noble reasons than pure vanity – though that would be just one part of the job, obviously. But it’s something Walter’s wife took great pride in, so he really wants someone who can focus on that, to some extent.’

  ‘That’s nice,’ Renee said.

  ‘Personally, I hate the idea of open caskets, but that’s just me,’ Steph said.

  ‘Me too,’ Renee said. ‘I prefer to remember them alive, not lifeless in a box surrounded by satin.’

  ‘The other frustrating thing with Dad of course is that he would bail me out in a heartbeat if he knew about all this. I’ve got control over everything, but wouldn’t ever take money from him.’

  ‘And that’s why we love you. Well, one of the many reasons,’ Steph said.

  ‘Yes, your honesty. And you don’t know how long he’s going to need it for, anyway,’ Michelle said.

  ‘No. Exactly,’ Erica said.

  ‘Without wanting to sound holier-than-thou, I do think it would serve you best to find a way out of it yourself,’ Michelle said. ‘I know it doesn’t feel like it and I don’t like to spout platitudes, but seriously, it’s true that what doesn’t kill us really does make us stronger.’

  ‘I agree,’ Renee said.

  ‘So, back to the problem with the job,’ Steph said. Erica kept her smile to herself at noticing how Steph had quite deliberately cut Michelle off and ignored Renee. ‘Does Uncle Arthur still know who you are, do you think? He didn’t know me when I visited last, but I have to admit it’s been a while since I dropped by. Dear old thing,’ Steph said, pensively.

  ‘Don’t you dare say he won’t know if I visit or not,’ Erica said, tears filling her eyes again. ‘Because I’ll know. And I don’t think for all the money in the world I could deliberately let him down. He’s been the best dad I could ever have asked for.’

  ‘God, Erica, what do you think I am?’ Steph said.

  ‘I’m sorry if what I’m about to say sounds heartless,’ Renee began, ‘I don’t mean to, but I’m trying to help. I’ve heard dementia patients light up at receiving visitors – any visitors. That sometimes it really is about the company as much as or even more than who it is. Because sometimes they get upset when they know they should know the person standing in front of them but can’t remember.’

  Erica opened her mouth to protest and Renee put her hand up.

  ‘Sorry, just let me get this out. Your dad would hate the idea of you visiting him when it means losing everything.’

  ‘I’m sure –’

  ‘So, how about we set up a roster to visit him while you get yourself settled? It’s not ideal, I know, but it’s something. I, for one, would be happy to visit at least once a week.’

  ‘I would too,’ Michelle said.

  ‘And me, three,’ Steph said.

  ‘Really?’

  Steph, Renee and Michelle nodded.

  ‘Oh, you guys are the best,’ Erica said, a rush of emotion engulfing her. The reality was her dad hadn’t called her by name in well over six months. And if he was capable of understanding her situation he would absolutely give his blessing for her to go – just like when she’d headed overseas all those years back. He’d say, ‘Go, go sort yourself out. Take all the time you need.’ After, of course, offering his advice and financial assistance. So, yes, the reality was that Erica was probably placing too much responsibility on herself. He was in a great facility with wonderful caring staff. Yes, he loved receiving visitors, but as much as it hurt Erica to think it – most likely it hurt her more than it ever would him – who visited was probably less important than whether someone did at all. Renee was probably absolutely right. ‘You’d do that for me – for my dad?’ she said, blinking back tears.

  ‘Of course. I’ve actually been thinking of looking for some volunteering to do now the kids don’t need me to ferry them about,’ Michelle said. ‘I’d love to visit him and help you out.’

  ‘I know it’s a hard thing to contemplate, but perhaps think of it as an option. At least a temporary one,’ Renee said.

  ‘Think about it, Erica. They’re right; it’s not perfect, but it might be a way for you to be able to take the job, if you really want to,’ Steph said. ‘And also, this place is pretty low maintenance and will be fine shut up for a few weeks, right?’

  Erica nodded.

  ‘And we can do drive-bys and collect your mail and check on everything the days we see your dad, too – it’s not far out of the way for any of us – right, Renee and Michelle?’

  ‘Yep, totally,’ Renee said.

  ‘Absolutely. Not a problem at all,’ Michelle said.

  ‘And you can give me a key, so I can come inside and make sure all is okay while you get settled. I’m happy to mow your lawn and take any pot plants home to look after for the time being, too – and I’m not completely useless in the garden. So, whatever you do, don’t let your dad or the house or the logistics stop you doing something for yourself.’

  ‘You guys are amazing.’

  ‘Nope. We’re just friends helping out another friend in need,’ Michelle said.

  ‘And we’re happy to because – one – we love you, and – two – we know you would do the same for each of us in a heartbeat,’ Steph said.

  ‘It sure sounds doable to me. What do you say, Erica?’ Renee said.

  She stared into her mug and then nodded. ‘I think you’re right. Thank you. You guys are the best.’ Saying thank you seemed so inadequate considering what they were offering. But they were right about one thing: she absolutely would be doing the same in return for any of them. It was all so much less daunting than if she’d been sitting there trying to nut it all out herself.

  ‘And as for dealing with the immediate stress, I think you need to have my Daphne come and stay for a few days. She’s the best tonic,’ Michelle said.

  ‘I’d love that, actually. Would you mind? I have to admit I’ve been missing Boris since he left. Which is really strange since I’m not a pet person.’ Erica smiled at the thought of Michelle’s red kel
pie coming to stay.

  ‘Never underestimate the power of a pet demanding your attention to focus your mind, not to mention the lowering of stress levels.’

  ‘That makes sense – I’ve felt so alone, and that’s added to my stress. Girls, I’m so grateful. I’m … excited. Can’t remember the last time I was. Right now, a change feels like just what I need. I’d be working, too, obviously, and all the technical funeral training would be provided. Other than that it’s mainly customer service and being organised.’ Erica stopped, aware she was babbling. But she was excited. Finally, she could see some light rising over the quagmire that was her many problems. She couldn’t wait to ring Walter.

  ‘All right up your alley,’ Michelle said.

  ‘I think so.’

  ‘So, here’s what I reckon,’ Michelle said. ‘Phone this Walter guy back, accept the job – but point out you’ll both need a probation period of some kind, seeing as you’re making this deal without even having met. Then spend today and tomorrow packing enough for a couple of weeks and chilling with Daphne and drive up to Melrose on Monday.’

  ‘Sounds like a good plan to me,’ Steph said. ‘And then if you like it and decide to stay, come back and deal with the house and anything else you need to take up there in say a fortnight.’

  ‘You won’t need to worry about a thing back here for at least a few weeks,’ Renee said.

  ‘Absolutely. We’ve got this and your back, Erica, and darling Uncle Arthur’s,’ Steph said.

  ‘How did I get so lucky?’ Erica said, shaking her head in wonder. ‘Thanks for dropping everything to come around. I really appreciate it, and I feel so much better.’

  ‘Well, remember that, missy,’ Steph said, waggling her finger but smiling gently at Erica.

  ‘Yes, you’re never alone,’ Michelle said.

  ‘Exactly. You left it too long, Erica. There are ways around everything if you can clear your mind enough to see them,’ Renee said. ‘I really should get going, if that’s okay?’

  ‘Of course. You go. I’m fine. Thanks again, Renee.’

  ‘I’ll head off, too, and go and get Daphne for you. Be back soon,’ Michelle said, getting up.

  ‘Perfect. Thanks, Mich.’ Erica hugged Renee and Michelle and remained with Steph, who’d got up but remained by the dining table at the back of the house while the others made their way down the hall.

  ‘Now you’re absolutely sure you’re okay? And you’ll be fine on your own?’ she said.

  ‘Yes, thanks,’ Erica said. ‘And, really, I don’t have any choice.’

  ‘You could come and stay with me for a bit.’

  ‘But I’ll have to be alone again eventually. And I love you, but I’m not sure how we’d go living together.’

  ‘True. And it is good to slay the demons.’

  ‘I think you’re all right – that I’m just under too much pressure. I’ll work my way through the list. Having a plan already is making the stress slide off me. And I’m sure having Daphne will help too.’

  ‘Good girl. And seriously, I’ll lend you the money if you want to get the possum catcher in to take a look. Though it might have already gone. I haven’t heard anything since that bump earlier. So maybe that was it making its way out,’ Steph said, cocking an ear and looking up.

  ‘Yes. Hopefully.’

  ‘So, you’re fine if I head off?’

  ‘Yes. Thanks so much.’

  ‘Always. And, remember, just one step at a time.’

  ‘You sound like Renee.’

  ‘You know, when I first met her, I thought she was a little, um, all over the place. Not quite flaky, that’s the wrong word, but … But she’s actually really smart and switched on. And really calm to be around. Maybe you should have her move in instead of Michelle’s dog.’

  ‘Maybe I should. I’m actually looking forward to the companionship and distraction. If I could stay here and sort out the money situation, I’d certainly be seriously considering getting a dog. No offence.’

  ‘Why would you say that?’

  ‘Well, you’re a cat lover.’

  ‘It’s not a competition, Erica. I prefer not to have to go out in the rain or wind and walk if I don’t want to, so a cat suits me better. And I love that cats aren’t as clingy as dogs. And I say this from a place of love, but I think right now – after all you’ve been through – that some adoration and unconditional love would suit you best. You deserve that.’

  ‘Well, we have to get our shit together first.’

  ‘Yes, you go and get sorted. Call if you need me.’

  ‘Will do.’

  ‘Have fun with Daphne,’ Steph said with a wave as she headed down the steps.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  After walking Steph out and watching her leave, Erica returned to the dining room table to start properly putting her life back together. She paused at Mackenzie’s door, her curiosity trying to make her go in and see if the bathroom blind was open or closed. Regardless, she was sure the light – moonlight or sunlight – couldn’t beat strongly against the window from under the eaves. But she couldn’t make herself turn the handle. Anyway, Steph had looked in and would have said. Could it be that she had a ghost? If so, could it be Stuart? For a moment she yearned for that to be the case. They hadn’t talked about what came after death – he hadn’t believed he’d die. She hadn’t either. But neither of them bought into the heaven and hell rubbish and agreed that organised religion generally was all about control through fear and the oppression of women. She silently asked Stuart to send her a clearer sign if it was him lurking about in the house, then rolled her eyes and shook her head at her ridiculousness and turned away from the door.

  Back in the kitchen as she sat down in front of the to do list she’d put together with the help of Michelle, Steph and Renee, she acknowledged how much stronger she was: as cliched as it was, it really was true that a problem shared was a problem halved. Or if not halved, then certainly made more manageable. She found it hard to believe how insurmountable it had all seemed before – though the fear of the light and noises had helped blow everything out of proportion, combined with lack of sleep. Really, right now to prepare for Melrose she’d only need to pack some clothes. Everything else could wait for a few weeks.

  If Melrose worked out, she could rent out her house. And if it didn’t, perhaps now she’d got her head around downsizing – leaving – then that’s what she should do regardless – buy a small place to rent out until she needed it and put whatever was left over straight into super. She was solely responsible for her old age now and had better start consciously planning ahead. Maybe if there was a purpose in everything, like Renee said, the reason for the job being so far away – whether it worked out or not – was to get her to physically simplify her life or at least consider the options. Who wasn’t to say that everything was part of a bigger, better picture – the landscape of her life, her future? Renee had once said that sometimes things that happened to us weren’t actually about us, that sometimes we became collateral damage while the universe sorted someone else out. Maybe we’re all connected and if we are then the good, bad and ugly impacts all of us. Maybe it’s my time. And maybe to soar I need to embrace the changes, let go of some things and trust. Because the alternative wasn’t serving her very well, anyway. She picked up her mobile and dialled.

  ‘Hello, Walter speaking.’

  ‘Hi, Walter, it’s Erica Cunningham speaking.’

  ‘Hello, Erica, it’s lovely to hear from you. I hope you’ve decided to come up and give country living a go. Though, sorry, no pressure.’

  ‘It’s okay. I have, actually.’

  ‘Oh, that’s great news.’

  ‘So, the job’s still available?’

  ‘It’s right here waiting for you.’

  Erica really liked Walter’s gentle down-to-earth voice.

  ‘So, what are you thinking? When should I expect to see you?’

  ‘Will it work if I drive up on Monday? This Monday
– in a few days?’

  ‘Of course. You’d be welcome to stay or just visit – stay a few nights in the flat and get a feel for things before fully deciding, if you like. I’m happy to leave that entirely up to you.’

  ‘Walter, that’s very understanding and lovely of you, but I really don’t think it’s fair on you if I don’t commit from the outset. So, count me completely in – though obviously we haven’t even met yet, so if it turns out to be a bad fit, we could address that together, couldn’t we?’

  ‘Of course we could. Oh, that’s great. Thank you for being so decisive. We have the three-month probation to fall back on if necessary, but yes, in the meantime if anything comes up, let’s just talk. I’m sure we’ll get on famously, Erica. Now you’ll have quite a drive, so should we say noon? We could have lunch.’

  ‘Great. Thank you so much, Walter.’

  ‘No, thank you. I really appreciate you taking the leap of faith. And I’ll do all I can to help you make the transition and to know it’s the right choice.’

  ‘Well, see you Monday.’

  ‘All the best. Travel safely.’

  Erica sat back and took an inventory of her thoughts and emotions. Her hands were shaking, but more, she thought, with quiet excitement than outright fear or trepidation.

  I’ve got this. She stared at the last item on the list, which had a question mark next to it: Call or text Mackenzie and Issy. She really didn’t want to tell them anything until she knew for sure she would be staying in Melrose. She liked to think she’d feel right about being there, but couldn’t be certain. And was it best to wait until everything was decided, especially regarding the house, or put the girls on notice? Of course to tell them this bit meant divulging everything. Didn’t it? She couldn’t do that in a text, and phoning them would certainly cause them to worry. You couldn’t exactly say, ‘Hey, I’ve decided to move to the country,’ and leave it at that. There would be questions. God, this part of it was still a mess. Her friends hadn’t had any suggestions for getting around it beyond saying the right way and words would come to her. Maybe Daphne, by distracting her, would help. Renee was always saying not thinking about something was usually the best way of coming up with a solution. Or meditation. Erica wasn’t really sure how to meditate. Yes, she’d sleep on telling Mackenzie and Issy.